View Full Version : My kid's got the gimmees--and it's driving me nuts!
Despite the sweet, sensitive nature of my five year-old son, he is prone to "the gimmees." I know that I go through these phases, too, and struggled more with it when I was young. I feel inept at dealing with his desires and explaining that he can't have everything he wants all the time and that toys aren't the most important thing in the world. I've been talking with him about gratitude and our faith and how important it is to love people/pets/the environment etc., but this morning he was sobbing into his cereal (literally!) because he wants a Star Wars Lego set that costs like $80 which he saw at Barnes and Noble. He's never been one to even ask for things when we visit toy stores for "fun" (this isn't my idea of fun but hubby and kiddo like to do it).
Any suggestions or ideas? And when is too young to introduce real facts about how the rest of the world lives? I don't want to traumatize him but this morning I was so frustrated, I finally said, "you know there are kids in the world that don't have a SINGLE toy! Or even enough to eat. And you have plenty in the other room and your belly is never hungry . . . ) not my best parenting moment but I'm so annoyed by this consumeristic attitude. :|(
Teacher Terry
5-5-14, 4:57pm
When I was raising my kids they only got "things" at xmas and birthdays, graduation, etc-no exceptions. Once they realized that this was a firm rule they stopped asking for things. It is tough being a parent but now it is only a fond memory:~).
Do I understand correctly that your husband took your 5 year old son shopping and did that "for fun" with the idea that they would look and not buy? Is this how he saw the cool Star Wars legos?
If that's the case, I say: that's is not "fun" and is cruel and unusual punishment for a 5 year old. For god's sake. It's hard enough when children see things on tv and at the home of their friends.
He is only 5 years old. He will get it eventually, but mom, help him by reducing the number of exposures he has to really cool things that he will not be able to buy.
Gardenarian
5-5-14, 6:46pm
My dd was (and sometimes still is) like that as well. I realized after a little while that she didn't really expect to get something, she just liked to ask. I remembered that when I was a kid I would go to the hardware store with my dad most Saturdays. I would always ask for a penny to get a gumball, and he would never give me one. I didn't expect it, and I wasn't disappointed. It's just a game kids play.
Now if kids start throwing tantrums over things, it's time to have a real talk. Five is not too young to understand the difference between wants and needs - most kids figure out pretty soon that sweets are a special treat, and that you can't have them at every meal. I'm pretty soft as a parent, but I'm pretty miserly when it comes to things like toys. (And sweets, too.)
ApatheticNoMore
5-5-14, 7:02pm
Do I understand correctly that your husband took your 5 year old son shopping and did that "for fun" with the idea that they would look and not buy? Is this how he saw the cool Star Wars legos?
If that's the case, I say: that's is not "fun" and is cruel and unusual punishment for a 5 year old. For god's sake. It's hard enough when children see things on tv and at the home of their friends.
+1 I mean if the 5 year never stepped foot in a store ever I guess it would be overprotection the other way, as going to stores and buying stuff is a practical part of life. But JUST FOR FUN in a toy store? Yea ... Did dad get "toys" for himself? (or books or whatever at Barnes and Noble - toys still but for older people)
Any suggestions or ideas? And when is too young to introduce real facts about how the rest of the world lives? I don't want to traumatize him but this morning I was so frustrated, I finally said, "you know there are kids in the world that don't have a SINGLE toy! Or even enough to eat. And you have plenty in the other room and your belly is never hungry . . . ) not my best parenting moment but I'm so annoyed by this consumeristic attitude.
But that's not introducing facts, that's using the fact of misery in the rest of the world (factual as it may be) in order to acheive ends that are basically entirely unrelated. The fact that one is typing on an computer/phone/ipad/etc. that was probably produced by slave labor is likely more connected to misery in the rest of the world than a 5 year old's wants (ok the toys may or may not be responsibly produced (doubt they are as bad as the computer factories) but that's a different conversation). A lot of blame could be cast in a lot of directions for the fact that the politics of the world are all messed up, one could even indict most of adult humanity for the situation if they wanted to, but the one thing that is certain is it's definitely not a 5 year olds fault, they really are innocent.
I guess if one actually wanted to introduce facts about how the rest of the world lives, you could do one of those "adopt a child" (not really adopting a child obviously) things of donating money to some poor child in another country. Or you could probably do volunterring in your own community (maybe there is some that would be ok for a 5 year old), because poverty isn't only overseas. But unless you really truly had the lego money budgeted for charity (and was it really truly honestly budgeted for charity, or was it budgeted for bills or something? :) bills are a very different factual discussion) , it's unrelated to the legos and whether or not you buy them. So you can try to teach global (or local) empathy, but if would probably work best if it had nothing to do with getting or not getting toys.
It's tough being a kid. Maybe he'd be satisfied with Legos bought at a thrift store. I doubt the equivalent of "Eat your vegetables; children are starving in (fill in the blank)" will impress him. It never moved me. I was happy to grow up and be able to buy the stuff I was denied as a kid, but I doubt counseling patience will be very satisfying, either. Does he get money on birthdays or at Christmas? Maybe he could save up for longed-for toys, and thus learn they usually promise more sizzle than they deliver.
I agree with Teacher Terry. Just don't give him any expectation that he is "entitled" to stuff.. and I also think that IL's comment follows up on that--just don't bring him to stores! If you do, you can try what Thich Nhat Hanh told some young students when they visited a store: he told them that just because the stuff was for sale, they didn't have to own it--they can enjoy it by looking at it. At the same time, I think 5 is too young for that kind of philosophizing.
And to that point, I agree with Jane that telling him about toyless kids in other countries is not going to do anything. Nothing. At five, he's only thinking about his own immediate gratification.
I say: 1) don't take him to stores, and 2) in the words of Nancy Reagan, Just say no. He'll get it eventually. In fact he might get to the point that my own kids did when I bought them tube socks at Walmart and they stood in line profusely exclaiming "Mom, thank you SO MUCH for these socks!" (That was a little embarrassing, but at least they weren't throwing a temper tantrum in line like I've seen some kids do)
iris lilies
5-5-14, 9:20pm
This is bothering me.
WHY does anyone in your family go shopping for entertainment? I can see so many things wrong with that to name a few:
1) builds consumeristic expectations in your children--they have feelings of denial if they can't get all of that bright shiny stuff, those feelings may translate to orgy spending far beyond their means when they are adults
2) this parental behavior legitimizes "shopping" as a value for a worthwhile life
3) time could be spent so many better ways, it boggles my mind--outdoor hiking or just walking, science and art museum visits, go to the Library and park play grounds, sit-down games such as board games, etc. So. Many. More. Places and Things to do.
WHY does anyone in your family go shopping for entertainment? I can see so many things wrong with that...
I have to say, I agree with this. It's almost like bringing a drunk to a bar just to look at all the bottles of liquor on the shelf.
People go to stores to buy things--that's the purpose--so your son probably sees other people lined up buying stuff and is trying to figure out why he can't do that. It seems almost unreasonable to expect your son to react differently.
JMHO... see if you can tell your DH that exposing your son to things he can't buy is making it hard on you as a parent.
This is bothering me.
WHY does anyone in your family go shopping for entertainment? I can see so many things wrong with that to name a few:
1) builds consumeristic expectations in your children--they have feelings of denial if they can't get all of that bright shiny stuff, those feelings may translate to orgy spending far beyond their means when they are adults
2) this parental behavior legitimizes "shopping" as a value for a worthwhile life
3) time could be spent so many better ways, it boggles my mind--outdoor hiking or just walking, science and art museum visits, go to the Library and park play grounds, sit-down games such as board games, etc. So. Many. More. Places and Things to do.
I don't get it either - but to play devil's advocate, maybe that's what dad got to do when he was a kid? I remember my parents - they made a lot of activities available to us, they loved us kids, but they had absolutely zero skills as far as playing or interacting with a young child. Some parents don't do that role well, or don't do it well for certain ages.
Fortunately I grew up back in the day before malls were commonplace, so my family never went shopping for entertainment. That doesn't mean that I didn't get dragged along to stores when shopping was necessary, and then I looked at toys.
Also, the moment I turned 16 and got my driver's license, I drove to the local mall to spend Saturdays just looking at stuff. Not even socializing with friends, just reveling in the freedom of being nearly an adult with some money in my pocket. And then for the next few years I went shopping rather a lot, spending my mother's money on clothes.
But the moment I became responsible for my own roof and car and groceries--I didn't do much shopping in malls at all. My own money is something different from her money, haha.
rodeosweetheart
5-5-14, 10:09pm
Where we live it is so cold, I have seen many people using the local Big box book store for entertainment, and the big mega grocery store as a place to get out and walk around. I think the climate has something to do with it up here, that shopping becomes a way to get out of the house and see people, if you are not hardy enough to do something socially acceptable like snowshoeing.
I can't be outside in the cold air without doubling over and coughing and gasping, in pain, so we started walking in the mall this winter to get some exercise. Much cheaper than the Y, and you'd be surprised how walking around something day by day curbs the impulse to shop. I noticed that when I worked retail--what attracts us to buy tends to be the novel stuff, the stuff we have not seen.
So in a funny way, maybe your husband is innoculating the child against being consumeristic. It's probably far-fetched, but it works for some people.
Do you have a yard? 5 is the perfect age to plan a garden and start growing plants in the window in anticipation of spring.
Personally my "recommendation" is to say "Oh well." Disappointment is part of life, and fostering a non entitled kind of mentality is a parental obligation (in my opinion. In fact, I feel it's a vital one). On the other hand it is HARD when it is your child. So, perhaps a date in the future when he can receive this? A birthday? Holiday? Or some way to progressively attain it? Chores and saving money? Save and match? (he saves, you match the amount) Collecting cans? Cans and bottles here have a .5 cent redemption value. That adds up. People even ask for them on Craigslist. Maybe saving with a chart to watch progress towards the goal?
mschrisgo2
5-5-14, 11:21pm
I agree that it's really hard for a 5 yr old to see things they really want and not be able to have them- he's just a little too young to really grasp the "window shopping" concept. Best just not to take him for a while...hmm, like, about 2 more years...
That being said, when my daughter was young, she only got toys for Christmas and birthday, and I'd buy something to play outside with- swim fins, skates, basketball, tennis racquet- on the last day of school.
By the time she was 15 and had babysitting money, designer clothes were just coming on the teen scene and she wanted them badly. I gave her the money I would have spent for her clothes and she added her own to make up the difference for the high priced, and usually poorer quality, designer clothes that she wanted. Didn't take very long at all until she became a very careful shopper.
ApatheticNoMore
5-5-14, 11:50pm
It's almost like bringing a drunk to a bar just to look at all the bottles of liquor on the shelf.
well I was thinking it was like a child equivalent of "leading on" or "teasing" ...
My personal opinion is that taking a kid shopping for fun is just plain wrong. Not only because of the overwhelming teasing side of the thing but it's also setting an example of spending "family" time.
When our daughters were younger, they were never given any toys or other stuff they wanted ("oh but EVERYBODY has that!") just like that. They got that as birthday and christmas presents. Sure it did happen that they were disappointed that they had to wait but they knew that when we promise they will get their dream toy for christmas, they will get it.
Sometimes we spent some time doing stuff like drawing the toy they wanted and making that drawing into a certificate that would say something like: This is a certificate for the blonde Barbie doctor that Dear N. will get for christmas 2008.
Kids also got a bit of money allotted every Saturday before weekly shopping in a supermarket (worth of a small candy bar or a cheaper popsicle) and they could choose what they want to buy for that. They focused on their choice of weekly treat and did not whine that they want this and that because they knew they only get one thing and they can choose whatever they want within their spending limit. They also learned quickly that not getting anything one week means that money add up and they can get something more expensive the next week and that some things are just too expensive or not worth it.
It was more difficult to stick to this regime with the younger daughter who is in her mothers custody because she gets a bit more spoiled spending-wise there than we would like to and also my husband tends to feel like he should 'make up' for something when she is with us. But I think we did fairly well teaching bot daughters that it's not about stuff we can buy them.
They are both in their teens now and tend to compare to other kids and follow some fashion trends but we can see that what seemed to be difficult when they were young is paying off now at least sometimes.
Oh! There's so many better fun things to do with a 5 year old child than to take them shopping! Like - go to a park, go roller skating, walk the dog, build a fort in the backyard, make some artwork together, play ball, ride bikes, play kid boardgames, make and bake cookies, dig and plant in the garden, etc. These are the things I did with my kids and more, when they were little. Get your DH to do other things with your child besides shop for "fun". Not a good example for the kid at all.
Do get him something he really wants (within reason) for his birthday and Christmas. I don't believe a kid needs to do without all of the time either....
Whew--that's a lot of responses. Thanks everyone for weighing in: I should clarify that we don't tend to shop for entertainment (since we are an outdoor-type family we spend most of our fun time outside) but every so often we go to "the big city" to visit Goodwill or run errands and my son, who went to Toys R Us once when he was three, remembers his visit and asks to go look at things. He's never asked to buy things there, except the times when he's saved his own money for a particular item. I think for he and his dad it's like visiting a museum or art gallery--they don't ever buy things, just look and play with the items that you're allowed to play with and then leave, happy as clams.
I did mention the "if you really want this item you can save your money and buy it." And normally this works like a charm. But for some reason this time it didn't. It's difficult to put limits on things like window shopping/looking at Star Wars things online when I'm not the one participating. It's not up to me to control what my husband does with our child (though after I mentioned the breakfast breakdown to my husband, a light did seem to go on). And our son knows that when he's with me we don't tend to do those things because I plan other activities for us.
Anyway, thanks for the suggestions and YES Rodeosweetheart--that's exactly the case. There are only so many fun things a family can do when the weather is below zero or it's freezing rain. We play board games, we make crafts, we play hide and seek, we read together, we bake together, etc., etc., but sometimes after weeks of crappy weather, we go to the city and wander around stores. Weird, but true. And we don't buy anything. Weirder but still true! :)
My kids "gimmee-itis" almost completely disappeared when we instituted an allowance system that is almost completely out of sight. I set up online accounts for them at our credit union in the US, and told them that from that point on any "extras" they wanted would need to be purchased by them from their saved allowance money and birthday/Christmas money, etc. I think that was around about when DS was 8 or 9 and DD was 5 or 6. They each get their age in dollars deposited every Friday. At this point they both have over $2000 each in their accounts. DD has hardly touched hers. DS has used some of his for major purchases that we weren't willing to fund because we felt they were not necessary at his age -- a fancy gaming laptop and a smartphone. We paid 2/3s of the base cost for those items (what it would have cost for a more basic model), he had to cover the difference from his savings.
My daughter is still the one with much more of an impulsive streak. But most of the time when we are in a store and she asks for something, she decides she doesn't want it when I tell her she'll have to pay for it herself. Sometimes she buys it anyway, and often that turns out to be a mistake because it typically doesn't live up to expectations. But that is actually helping her learn something, too, so it isn't a complete waste.
Some days kids just have an "off-day" too and respond totally out of character. Heck, I do that and I'm 47.
I remember saying "sorry I can't do that" a lot but I also put it into perspective for them because at 4 and 5 they really didn't understand that there was a huge difference between a $5 Ninja figure and a $80 Lego kit. We did go get a new little toy almost every week because I rewarded the boys for their patience (they grew up in their car seats for hours upon hours traveling to and setting up at art shows - a $5-10 reward was well worth it in my thoughts and they were always well behaved in the truck or at shows). I remember several times saying "that is way over our limit, that Lego kit is like 8 weeks worth of the small $10 kits or 16 weeks worth of Ninja figures. We'll have to wait 8 shows or 16 shows in order to budget for that. That they understood.
Love this idea, Ihamo! Thanks for sharing
Quick update: My son continued to save his money over the last several weeks and then sold some of his Thomas the Train engines which he isn't playing with anymore to purchase (drum roll) THE LEGO SET of his dreams! I'm curious to see how much he actually plays with it but he is PSYCHED and I'm proud of him for getting creative and continuing to work toward his goal. Now to put together the darn thing...it has over a 1000 pieces. Guess I know what his dad and I will be doing tomorrow afternoon. :)
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