i don't know how to title this.....maybe ask for help when you need it?

[Blackdog Lin]

It was just the nicest thing today, and something that got me thinking.

We have some casual friends, see them every few months or so, they are a much younger couple than us, but we all really like each other. (their lifestyle is now where ours was 15 years ago: kids in high and middle school, busy with their jobs, involved in all sorts of school activities.....). Busy people. Nice people.

And she calls me today to tell me that she's had some serious health problems the last month, been in the hospital for 6+ days, it was serious.....I was glad that she called to let me know. And then of course during the conversation I said something like let me know if there's anything I can do to help, and you know, EVERYONE you say this too always says oh it's fine, we're doing okay, don't need a thing. And bless her heart, she said well, you are such a cook, and we always love what you fix when we're at your house, and maybe you could bring a meal by 'cause Joe (her DH) is kinda overwhelmed by having to work all day and then take care of the meals and the housekeeping and the errands and the kids.....

And I'm going hallelujia. A concrete and definite something I can do to help. So DH and I came up with a couple of meals we could do tomorrow and we'll drop off tomorrow evening. And I have a plan to drop off something the next every 3-4 days, once I find out the kids' pickiness tolerances.

And I'm thinking, all the times I've asked "what can I do to help?", and get the same old Midwestern stoic "we're fine". And I feel useless.

People, if you're needing some help, and someone offers it, MAKE A SUGGESTION. It's a win-win situation. You get the help you need, and your friend gets the satisfaction of providing said help. Quit being a Midwestern stoic self-sufficient person, and quit being afraid to ask for the help that would.....help you during your bad times.

[bae]

Well said!

[Gardenarian]

Yes. I feel so useless when I know someone is hurting - yet I hate to just barge in. I'll try to remember this when I need it in the future!

[ejchase]

I so, so agree. SO true and so rarely said.

[Simplemind]

On the flip side I will say that often people are overwhelmed and thinking of suggestions is just one more task. I have a couple of Midwest friends who taught me a lot when my mother died. They just did. There would be a knock on my door and a grocery sack of essentials handed over. There would be a knock on my door and an offer to take my dog for a walk, I could join if I wanted. I would come home to find my lawn mowed. I didn't ask for many of the kindnesses done for me but there were times that I wept with gratitude. They either suggested to do the things they were great at or they just did what they thought needed to be done. It was the first time I had been in need and I thought back on all the times I had said "let me know if you need anything". I always meant it and left it at that and was never asked. Now I just do.

[ctg492]

I am the worst person ever for accepting any sort if help. I knew I really needed help in the last 8 months. I had neighbors offer help, offer to help with my dogs or have me over for a dinner. My answer was always thanks , but I am ok.
Why are we so programmed to do it ?

[catherine]

That is so weird. I just woke up a half hour ago. I had a very clear dream in which DIL (who is Brazilian and comes from a very tight, sharing community) told me I need to ask for help more often, and I said, "I'm fine." And she said, "Do you need money?" and I said, "No, I'm fine" and she said, "Do you need help cleaning the yard?" and I said, "No, I'm fine." And she was shaking her head.

IRL, she and my son share EVERYTHING--cooking, cleaning, baby care, you name it. And she is definitely not above asking him for help. DH is not bad with sharing at all, but I never ask him to do stuff. When he helps it's on his own initiative.

As I was just walking in the house with the dog I was wondering what gets us stuck in feeling we are above needing help? I am getting involved in groups that promote sharing, and the sharing economy, and yet I'm more than willing to share on the outbound side but not on the inbound. Hmm..

Between DIL in my dream and the OP, maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something...

[awakenedsoul]

When I was about nine, my mom was sick for a while and the neighbors were incredible! My dad was overwhelmed with four kids age 10 and under and a full time job. The other moms arranged between them to drop off casseroles on different days. One lady took me to my dance classes each week, with her daughter. Another gave me tennis lessons, (she taught,) and drove me with her. She also took me to the library and had me check out books each week. They were so nice! It was really considerate and caring. I never forgot it.
That's nice that they appreciate and enjoy your good cooking...

[Simpler at Fifty]

I am living this now. DH was diagnosed with Carcinoid syndrome in March and we learned this week it is in his liver. We asked our neighbor to take our dog when we travel for tests and chemo. They love him and offered to take him whenever and for as long as necessary. People I work with sent a care package with a FOOD magazine, some candy, wine, a VISA gift card, dog treats and a toy and book with poems about Hope. All things I never would have asked for but were just what we needed at the time.

To those that do not want to 'just barge in', please barge in. If someone is not up for company they will tell you. Just do things for people. We do not know what we need most days.

[catherine]

I am living this now. DH was diagnosed with Carcinoid syndrome in March and we learned this week it is in his liver. We asked our neighbor to take our dog when we travel for tests and chemo. They love him and offered to take him whenever and for as long as necessary. People I work with sent a care package with a FOOD magazine, some candy, wine, a VISA gift card, dog treats and a toy and book with poems about Hope. All things I never would have asked for but were just what we needed at the time.

To those that do not want to 'just barge in', please barge in. If someone is not up for company they will tell you. Just do things for people. We do not know what we need most days.

Thanks for the advice, Simpler. I never know what to do in these situations, and this is very good to know. And many ((((((hugs)))))) to you. I wish I were close enough to you to barge in..