Speaking of gift giving...

[Geila]

I'd like to get some perspective on this issue, which is slightly different than Blackdog Lin's - thanks for that post Lin! I've been mulling this over and your post this morning was very timely :)

I normally gift my sibling's children $100 for their HS graduation (a check made out to them, so I know they got it because they cash the check). To date, I have not received one single thank you note, even an email, or a mention of it when I see them a few months later. No thank you from their parents either. I have a niece who has been gifted for: HS graduation, wedding shower, wedding gift, baby showers, baby bdays, her bdays, etc. No thank you's, not even a quick email when items have been mailed directly to her. This niece is having her third son in a few months and I'm thinking, no more gifts. She has tons of stuff from her older boys for the new baby, and they are not in financial need, at all. The children are showered with gifts from both sets of grandparents.

However, in my family, gift giving = caring. So I know that there will be some hurt feelings initially. Not a big deal, except I don't want to come off as a total hardass. I also don't want to justify/explain myself. I did that when I opted out of Xmas, and it was eventually accepted, but not fully embraced, which I'm fine with and assume they can make the connection. I'm thinking if she sends a baby announcement I can send a congratulations email and call it good. Would that come across as callous? I care about my niece, but I'm kind of done with that whole thing. Any feedback, ideas, thoughts? Feel free to be very honest, I have a thick skin and am genuinely looking for how this might look from someone else's point of view.

[rodeosweetheart]

I would not send anymore gifts. A congratulatory email would be nice. I cannot believe how many new parents expect people to be showering them with gifts from the Amazon registry. I do not like this trend. Seems very mercenary and materialistic. When my niece stopped sending thank you notes, I stopped sending gifts. She probably makes more money than I do, anyway, and has no interest in me as an aunt, so. . .

[Teacher Terry]

I would not continue to send gifts when I did not even get a thank you. That is really terrible. When my kids were little I taught them to write thank you notes & I mailed them.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

That has been a peeve of mine for a long time. No thank you's! What is it that people expect a gift but they don't expect that they need to acknowledge it in any way? I have actually had times when I have asked "did you get the gift I sent you" - and I get a reply of "oh, yeah. Thanks." Or something to that effect - but I had to ASK! If I have sent it by mail or by another person to drop off I would at least like to know it reached the person it was intended for. I have cousins that I continue the cash in a card for their birthdays, but when they started having children I did not start anything with the next generation. There is a limit.

[awakenedsoul]

I can't believe you gave all of those gifts and never got a thank you! $100.00 is a lot of money! I think a card or email in this case would be fine. Since you opted out of Christmas, maybe they'll make the connection. I only give gifts to my parents now. I used to give gifts to my nephews, but my SIL had all of her wrapped wedding gifts in their spare bedroom for a year, so I stopped. She's a hoarder, and I don't feel right buying them anything. Plus, she used to give me like 20 things when I gave her 1. (something that I could afford...) It was awkward. The whole gift thing can get weird.

My parents enjoy the hand knit socks, alpaca blankets, and crocheted cotton pot holders that I send them. They call me as soon as the package arrives, and are very appreciative. Sometimes I send baked goods, too. But, if someone doesn't respond, I don't continue.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'd give a gift if I wanted to give a gift and not if I didn't pretty much. But though I sometimes express my caring for people with gifts, gifts aren't love to me (time is). And if I simply loathed shopping for gifts I wouldn't do it. And I probably wouldn't give gifts to people who already have more stuff than they can deal with (horders and those who are already getting a ton of gifts from others yea) or those who I knew never used the gifts. Afterall what are my unused gifts contributing to then, just more destruction of the planet? >8)

Thank you's - there are probably times I've been the bad person who didn't send thank yous. There was a friend of the family that sent stuff to all their grandkids, children, and then kids of friends of the family etc.. I wasn't even related. They sent cards with encouraging scribbles and checks for EVERY birthday, HS graduation etc.. I sent them a few thank yous, not always. But the gifts were appreciated. Oh there were probably a few checks that were never even cashed. And yet the gifts were appreciated. Yes uncashed checks can be appreciated, she was a wonderful woman, generous, joyful, always wanted to spend time with everyone and their kids and grandkids etc., died just short of her 100th birthday. Oh don't give gifts to leave a @#$# legacy either, I doubt she did. I'm just saying, stuff isn't always obvious, including what is and is not appreciated.

[catherine]

I'd give a gift if I wanted to give a gift and not if I didn't pretty much.

That's what I'm thinking. I'm of the "detach yourself from the results" school of thinking. I would be annoyed if they were chronically clueless about common courtesy, but I wouldn't let that determine whether or not I continued to give.

That's not to say you should keep giving profusely.. maybe now it's time to cut back or whatever, because families get bigger and it gets very expensive and time-consuming to attend to every event. But I don't pay that much attention to getting thank you's. I tend to be disorganized and, so like ANM, I'm sure there were times I forgot the thank you, or had the kids write one and I forgot to mail it or whatever.

In fact I'm so grateful for email because now, I drop a note by email and tell the giver very candidly that I'm prone to forget thank you's so I hope they forgive the casual email, but I don't want their generous gift to go unrecognized.. I'll send a "real" thank you later..." So if I DON'T send the "real" thank you, I feel I'm covered at least.

[Teacher Terry]

I think emails are fine but if that people consistently do not even do that as a "Thank You" I would be done. I guess I am more black/white on this issue.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

In fact I'm so grateful for email because now, I drop a note by email and tell the giver very candidly that I'm prone to forget thank you's so I hope they forgive the casual email, but I don't want their generous gift to go unrecognized.. I'll send a "real" thank you later..." So if I DON'T send the "real" thank you, I feel I'm covered at least.
I'm fine with email, at least the person has acknowledged they got a gift from you. It is the total disregard that bothers me.

[Lainey]

watergoddess,
In the circumstances you describe, I'm in agreement with your proposed decision: send a congratulatory card or email and call it good.

[Blackdog Lin]

What Lainey said. One, or even two, unacknowledged gifts I could handle, but over and over? Nope. I would send a $2.00 card from now on and call it good. You have commemorated the event and sent good wishes - that's all that seems necessary for such ungrateful people.

[iris lilies]

My family doesn't give gifts. DH's family is really really into cards on all occasions but less so for stuff and gift money. Everyone in his family, all nieces and nephews, ALWAYS send TY notes.

[Geila]

Thanks everyone! I had been feeling bad about it, but no more. Congratulations note it is. And thanks to those who shared similar stories too. At least I'm not the only one this has happened to. Wishing you all a wonderful day :).