View Full Version : How to help someone lose weight
I have 2 adults in my inner circle who are about 40 lbs. overweight. No underlying physical cause, just over-eating. Both are unhappy but have only made half-hearted attempts in the past year or so to get serious about it.
I never criticize their (or anyone's) food choices, nor do I mention their weight. I also know it's not my issue, except that my love for these 2 people makes me sincerely want to help them. I myself could lose 10 lbs so I am not by any means a perfectionist on this issue.
Question: has anyone ever had any success with gently assisting someone to get to a healthy weight and stay there?
No I haven't. But to be honest I haven' really tried unless asked for my input first. I think that's the only way someone won't rebel against advice and view it as nagging instead (even if it isn't). I generally try to encourage people to be happy with themselves at whatever size they are and just to live life and do things they love. Sometimes encouraging self-love is the first step towards them wanting to be more active and involved with things, and wanting to lose weight and get fit so they can participate.
Yes - take them for short walks, then longer walks, then more challenging hikes in the woods, start slow, do it regularly, and don't fret about goals to begin with.
Yes - take them for short walks, then longer walks, then more challenging hikes in the woods, start slow, do it regularly, and don't fret about goals to begin with.
Good point Bae. I do that also, just kind of hang out and try to do active stuff with them rather then more sedentary stuff. And try not to have food as the main focus either when you get together - or try to make it healthy foods . Of course all of that is dependent on whether a person is interested in doing those things. If not, then I really don't think anything someone says or does will work. Also some people respond to different types of input even if they do ask for help. Some like gentle positive encouragement, others like the drill Sargent pushing them (think Jillian Micheals from The Biggest Loser).
For one thing, cooking for them is a great motivator. Make delicious meals from fresh, low cal ingredients.
I never criticize their (or anyone's) food choices, nor do I mention their weight. I also know it's not my issue,
As somebody who was 40 pounds overweight for years, I'd say you were on the right track here. I can't tell you how little it helped when I was overweight to have people give me their gentle suggetions. I did lose the weight eventually, but I did it in my own way and in my own time frame. I really believe self-initiated change is the kind of change that sticks.
I have a lot of addicts in my life, so I go to Al-Anon. The basic suggestion at Al-Anon is that when you are tempted to "help" someone else with their issues, look at your own instead. What might you work on improving in your own life?
I know the question above came from a loving place. Just my two cents.
I am dealing with this with dh and the only "tactic" I have is to lead by example. He knows I am adamant about fitness and practicing healthy habits and eats what I prepare and walks with me even though he'd rather sit on the couch. Eating consciously - he is good about that but has never been one who likes to exert himself, ie exercise. In the end, it is up to him, ie the owner of the body. I refuse to nag although every once in a while I will comment on the very handsome fit men who run by:)
ApatheticNoMore
7-10-14, 12:09pm
I like the walking/hiking suggestions. Alright that's because there is little in the world that makes me happier than good company while walking in nature, so I might be biased. Also so for me it's joy based, trying to resist eating or eat healthier when they are unhappy anyway isn't. Not saying it's impossible, but much more difficult.
You can express your sincere concern, even that might be a form of encouragement depending on the person, but I tend to agree that's not much you can do to make them change. Whatever conflicts you experience that make you eat when you shouldn't etc. or any other conflict (postpone cleaning the garage for two years, I don't know), they are THE SAME or at least I always assume so. It's the same psychically, although the intensity of it does seem to vary. There are various psychological modalities that might work (not for you to use on them of course, but that might work if they explored them), but it's not always quick or easy.
The basic suggestion at Al-Anon is that when you are tempted to "help" someone else with their issues, look at your own instead. What might you work on improving in your own life?
this seems beside the point. I mean it might be good advice for a compulsive busy body or helper type who is always trying to help/save others or someone who tries to save others compulsively to escape focusing on their own problems. But if one is concerned for another person's health because they care about them/love them (and this can be a very genuine emotion - someone you love shoots heroine, smokes two packs a day - something that very well might mean premature death and much suffering - and one can't help but be aware of this), repressing that emotion and shunting it into compulsive focus on self seems weird. It seems as much an escape from emotional reality as anything. Better even to be sad, express it to them if it's appropriate, not if it's not, and accept that you can try to help but they do make their own decisions - and that's is the sadness there.
catherine
7-10-14, 12:16pm
As somebody who was 40 pounds overweight for years, I'd say you were on the right track here. I can't tell you how little it helped when I was overweight to have people give me their gentle suggetions. I did lose the weight eventually, but I did it in my own way and in my own time frame. I really believe self-initiated change is the kind of change that sticks.
I have a lot of addicts in my life, so I go to Al-Anon. The basic suggestion at Al-Anon is that when you are tempted to "help" someone else with their issues, look at your own instead. What might you work on improving in your own life?
I know the question above came from a loving place. Just my two cents.
+1
Nicely said, and I've had enough experience also trying to "help" people with addictions to know that trying to get them to be or do what you think they should be or do, without their asking you, is time that can be better spent just appreciating them for who they are, as they are.
Tussiemussies
7-10-14, 8:27pm
Sometimes a psychlogical reason for having a lot of weight on is for a feeling of protection whether it be mental or physical. I can see this in myself.....do agree with Catherine and the poster she quoted.
Maybe you can turn your walks/hikes into a goal. Say, like doing a benefit walk for a cause. They may not be motivated to help themselves, but will walk to help others.
I refuse to nag although every once in a while I will comment on the very handsome fit men who run by:)
Ouch! That would hurt! I battle my weight and I would be crushed if my DH commented on all the fit women he sees..... :(
Lainey, I think joining your overweight friends in exercising would be very helpful. I'm thinking long walks and swimming to start with. Maybe adding in light weight training eventually. Yoga is good too.
Personally, I eat a very nutritional and calorie conscious diet plus exercise daily and still I struggle with getting those last 20 pounds off. I think losing weight is a more complicated matter than some think. When I look around at my family and my ethnic heritage I can see that I was never meant to be really thin. I wish there was more acceptance in our society of different body types....
Thanks for all of the feedback. I should clarify that I don't live with either of these people, they are not even in my neighborhood, and I don't see them except a few times a month at most.
But I was thinking of saying I was going to join Weight Watchers and seeing if they wanted to participate with me. If they declined, then it's just status quo but I'll still keep the door open if they decide on their own to make a change and want my input.
There is so so so much info put there, in everyone's face on healthy eating and exercise. The money spent yearly on products to help is staggering. Yet there are so many overweight people, that like everything not all absorb the info.
Better even to be sad, express it to them if it's appropriate, not if it's not, and accept that you can try to help but they do make their own decisions - and that's is the sadness there.
I definitely feel sad about the lifestyle choices many of my friends and family have made, and I suspect many of them feel sad about a few I have made as well. Sigh. It's hard.
Thanks for all of the feedback. I should clarify that I don't live with either of these people, they are not even in my neighborhood, and I don't see them except a few times a month at most.
But I was thinking of saying I was going to join Weight Watchers and seeing if they wanted to participate with me. If they declined, then it's just status quo but I'll still keep the door open if they decide on their own to make a change and want my input.
For whatever it's worth, if they have told you they are unhappy with their weight, this plan seems to be a good way to reach out without being intrusive.
And kudos to you for dealing with the extra pounds you want off. I've heard great things about Weight Watchers.
I actually did have this sort of success once. A lovely woman who used to be a co-worker of mine was very oveweight and very unhappy about it. At the time I was about 10-15lbs overweight myself. So I said I was thinking of joining the gym near to our office, and would she like to be my gym buddy?
It was awesome to have somebody to work out with, and we both lost some weight. She's not slim now, but slimmer than she was, but more importantly she is much fitter and happier.
We no longer work together, but we keep in touch, and based on her facebook pics I think she looks great.
I think this is the sort of thing though, that if she had rejected my offer to be her gym buddy, I would have left it at that. You can't make somebody change if they are not ready to do it.
I avoid trying to get other people to do what I want them to do. If I were to try to get people to lose weight, the health angle would be a cover for my negative feelings about overweight bodies.
Also think carefully what you mean by "over-weight" and "obese".
http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2014/07/16/overweight-americans-have-the-lowest-risk-of-premature-death/
iris lilies
7-20-14, 9:37pm
For whatever it's worth, if they have told you they are unhappy with their weight, this plan seems to be a good way to reach out without being intrusive.
And kudos to you for dealing with the extra pounds you want off. I've heard great things about Weight Watchers.
Weight Watchers is a relaly good program. Whenever I am serious about losing weight I jump on that bandwagon. It's sensible and mainstream and it covers all aspects: eating, appropriate recipes and portions, group support, etc.They sell silly food products that no one needs, but those are easy to ignore.
Interesting stats.
Well, I had the talk with one of the two about joining WW together, and we've agreed to move ahead with it. The goal is overall better physical health, although the appearance angle is part of it too because this person wants to look for another job next year. There's no denying that, all things being equal, there is prejudice against job candidates who are considered obese vs. a slimmer candidate.
That's great Lainey. I've head great things about WW and they seem to have a pretty high success rate. The fact that they are happy to go (and you going with them as support) will likely mean better success since it's harder to fall off the wagon when you do it with others. Even if they don't lose a lot of weight, I think the self confidence they gain from feeling more in control and pro-active about their lives will be greatly beneficial in all aspects of life and careers.
iris lilies
7-22-14, 10:32pm
If you all are going to Weight Watchers, you can share cooking ideas, plans, and recipes. You can cook for each other actual dishes. That's one reason why WW with a friend is fun.
WW is great if you go to meetings, listen, and implement all the good ideas for lifestyle change they give. It isnt all about eating or not eating. I went for about 9 months last year and lost 40 pounds. I have kept it off and still need to lose more but am doing it with those lifestyle changes my myself right now. I feel it was really worth the money.
Make it easy and choose the closest meeting. If you dont hit it off with the instructor, try another one.
I would focus on leading by example, with exercise and healthy eating. I'm not sure you can do anything else. I have a coworker who wants to lose weight, she says, but this week - she bought two Costco sized boxes of Haagen Dazs ice cream bars, and ate 3 in 45 minutes.
Also, be careful about weight and health. You know, I hate to admit this - but after 40, this weight is STUBBORN. I seriously have to be perfect and keep my calories at 1500 per day to lose ANYTHING. It's frustrating. So, even though I eat healthfully and exercise regularly (I meet both the US recommendations for exercise and veggie/fruit intake), I'm 20 lbs overweight.
Let this be a lesson to you ladies: don't go having babies after 40!
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