View Full Version : To be a bridesmaid - or not
A good friend of mine is getting married (to my former boss) mid-Sept. This will be her third marriage and his second. We have been friends since 7th grade and I was her Maid of Honor at her first very very elaborate wedding when we were around 18. I did all the stuff a Maid of Honor traditionally does (and hated it all!) and also had the dreaded ugly dress, along with the huge flower covered floppy hat, with enough bows, ribbons, and poofs to make Scarlett O'Hara proud. Her second wedding was just a simple beach wedding in Hawaii and a big reception at home afterwards. This third (and please God, final) wedding will once again be a huge elaborate affair held at a country club. Her 18 year old daughter will be the Maid Of Honor but she has asked me to be a Brides Maid. She will be doing all those pre-wedding brides maids and girlfriends things like many parties, Vegas trips, spa weekends, etc... As a Brides Maid I would be expected to not only go to all those things, but help plan them and also contribute to the costs to pay for them as well as for myself, for the dress and all of that. Not only that, but I didn't even plan to go to the wedding as I had planned to be far away on a long road trip by then (just waiting for the plates and tags for the new vehicle before I can head out again). So now I need to decide to I want to support my friend and just bite the BM (i.e. Brides Maid - not the other :-)!) bullet or bow out graciously - of both being a BM and the wedding itself. Opinions?
How is this even remotely your style? I mean, I can understand making an exception for exceptional situations, but this is not that. You've been there and done that (1st wedding.) Piling on costs to do it all again--really?
Bow out in a graceful way, that's what I would do.
Gardenarian
7-11-14, 2:55pm
If it were me, I wouldn't do it. That's not an invitation, that's like being drafted for crying out loud.
Uggg, third wedding and they want a big affair? I bet she is doing it because the 18 year old daughter has convinced her. I would bow out.
You have a great excuse in your already planned trip
Yes, definitely bow out this time. You have a good excuse in that you already have a planned trip.
I can't imagine such a big deal for a 3rd wedding!
awakenedsoul
7-11-14, 5:47pm
I wouldn't do it, either. It sounds way too expensive for my budget. I'd probably give them a card and a box of truffles from Trader Joe's...
I think that if you can afford a big and lavish wedding for your third trip to the altar, then you can afford to pay for everything, all the expenses for the bride's maids, and hire a whole bunch of people to do the party planning, the stupid trips and all the rest, so that no one has to spend for all that stuff for the third time. Lordy.
I have no idea what kind of person she is, but all of that sounds particularly selfish. Just saying.
I would ignore what you think about the proceedings and bite the BM. If she is still a good friend then I would do whatever makes my friend happy on events like this. Yes there are limits, but you are not talking about anything crazy.
If she is not really a friend anymore then take a pass.
What is the value of friendship?
rosarugosa
7-11-14, 8:23pm
I would bow out, and I probably wouldn't even be all that gracious about it, but that's just me. Or send Yossarian in my place :)
Yes, I would send Yossarian. If she was really a good friend, and really "got" you, she would know this is so not you, and not ask/guilt you into participating. You did enough.
I am usually a real softie when it comes to stuff like that, but I have to say, you've BTDT with her. New wedding, new bride's maids. That's that.
PS. If you are leaning towards feeling guilty, send her a card.
Thanks for the replies guys. Yep, sending Yossarian in my place sounds great - just save me a piece of cake (the only reason I'll actually go to a wedding). Of course the BM dress will be pink so not sure that's his best color :-)!
Well, after reading the responses here and taking time to think things over this is what I decided to do: LIE! I'll just tell her that I had already made plans to travel with my cousin back east for the rest of the summer and I couldn't change those. So I wouldn't be able to commit to being a BM, and probably wouldn't be back in time for the various "girls outings" but that I will try to make it to the wedding (Sept 6th) as a guest. If I am around (I really do have plans to be gone) and want to go to the wedding, parties and trips, I can without having to do all the work and fuss involved with helping host those (something I would hate and dread much more than the expense). And by saying I already made plans with the Cuz, she can't get too hurt if I turn down being a BM. .
P.S. If any of you remember, she is the friend who wanted (and got) the $14,000 engagement ring, and took out a home equity loan to buy herself some new boobs! Ah, big spenders, big bucks, big boobs :-)!
catherine
7-11-14, 10:28pm
P.S. If any of you remember, she is the friend who wanted (and got) the $14,000 engagement ring, and took out a home equity loan to buy herself some new boobs! Ah, big spenders, big boobs :-)!
Interesting how different we can be. I think about someone like her--I am SO FAR removed from her life--needing a $14k ring, going into debt for ... well.. a frivolity. Meanwhile I struggle while debating whether to buy the $10 box hair dye or the $8. (wish I could go "au naturel" but I'm still in the work force and over 60, so I have to buy all the work time I can, at 8 bucks a box)
But diversity--that's what makes the world go 'round.
Interesting how different we can be. I think about someone like her--I am SO FAR removed from her life--needing a $14k ring, going into debt for ... well.. a frivolity. Meanwhile I struggle while debating whether to buy the $10 box hair dye or the $8. (wish I could go "au naturel" but I'm still in the work force and over 60, so I have to buy all the work time I can, at 8 bucks a box)
But diversity--that's what makes the world go 'round. considering we grew up in the almost identical situation (single divorced working class parent (mom) in pretty impoverished circumstances) our values turned out very different. She choose to get married at 18 to an older guy to get out of her situation and make a better financial life for herself, and I choose to join the service to achieve the same goal. She is very fixated on "being taken care of" by men (she's never been alone for long) and expects the man to not only lavish her with everything, but provide a certain lifestyle as well (being very beautiful and young looking - looks just like Shakira - helps getting guys to do that too). She doesn't understand my strong desire to be self supporting and live frugally when I can "get" a man to support me and lavish me as well. Oh well, different strokes., She is very sweet and nice and a womnderful person, just a very old school way of thinking.
Also, she was the woman I mentioned who, after she bought her boobs and a new car ($40K SUV) on her HELOC, making her new payment over $4K/month, she lost her job and almost lost her house as she hadn't made payments in almost a year (and she was still supporting her 2 teenage kids) but her new guy stepped up and bought her house back for her on a short sale. He took out a HELOC on his own home (where his 4 teenage kids lived - his former wife had died a year earlier), bought her place and then deeded it back to her. Basically rescuing her. They plan to live there once they are married. Hmmm. maybe there is a method to her madness!
catherine
7-11-14, 10:54pm
Basically rescuing her. They plan to live there once they are married. Hmmm. maybe there is a method to her madness!
I have a really good college friend who married a guy and was probably married to him for about 15-16 years. I knew she was doing ALL the heavy lifting in the relationship. He was a laid back guy, and she commuted over an hour to her job in New York, and she'd come back on the train, and walk in the house at 8:30 and he'd be sitting there waiting for her to feed him.
When she called me to tell me they were divorcing the resentment was oozing out of the telephone mouthpiece.
A year or so later she called me to say that she had "retired" from her job at a very prestigious marketing consultant agency, and was marrying someone she met at work who had done VERY well there.
I've been to her house on several occasions--or should I say, I've been to two of her many houses--she has a house in Key Largo, a townhouse in Greenwich, CT, and an unbelievable home in Waverly, RI. She hosted a college mini-reunion there, and 5 couples were there and we each had our own bedroom with it's own en-suite, which she had decorated herself. It was UNbelievable.
But I am going to be perfectly honest. Despite my debt situation, and the fact that being a "good provider" is not DH's strong suit, I do NOT envy my friend, who bought the security she needed with her freedom. She follows her husband around, volunteering for charity boards, and being Martha Stewart for his social circle. I really would not want to be her. Honestly. Feeling I had to live up to this standard of living, and entertain all the hoity-toity Blue Bloods in the Northeast and just go along because my husband has these long, long purse strings.
Nah, despite my debt, I really think I'm freer than she is.
Oh and I just had to throw this out there - recently, as I mentioned here, I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for quite awhile because we were on different pages as far as early retirement, travels, etc... He wanted to work 20 more years and never travel or move out of SoCal, or experience other things (he was very happy in his life) and I wanted someone who was free to go and do and be work free as early as possible. She adored him (he was a great guy) and thought I was crazy as to why I broke it off even though I explained it. Her response was "but he wants to work another 20 years! That means he can support you and buy you stuff!" Huh? Yes that's what I want in life, someone to buy me more stuff :-)!
iris lily
7-11-14, 11:13pm
...Nah, despite my debt, I really think I'm freer than she is.
I have often thought that being comfortably middle class is the freest sort of life one can live. The theoretical you has enough money to do what you want to do but one doesn't have to meet those expectations of Society. Theoretical You can hide in a low middle class neighborhood and live the Millionaire Next Door life. Or Theoretical You can buy a Tubleweed house and travel cross county, or can spend 10 months a year in a Buddhist retreat. Whatever. It offers a lot of choice.
I have a really good college friend who married a guy and was probably married to him for about 15-16 years. I knew she was doing ALL the heavy lifting in the relationship. He was a laid back guy, and she commuted over an hour to her job in New York, and she'd come back on the train, and walk in the house at 8:30 and he'd be sitting there waiting for her to feed him.
When she called me to tell me they were divorcing the resentment was oozing out of the telephone mouthpiece.
A year or so later she called me to say that she had "retired" from her job at a very prestigious marketing consultant agency, and was marrying someone she met at work who had done VERY well there.
I've been to her house on several occasions--or should I say, I've been to two of her many houses--she has a house in Key Largo, a townhouse in Greenwich, CT, and an unbelievable home in Waverly, RI. She hosted a college mini-reunion there, and 5 couples were there and we each had our own bedroom with it's own en-suite, which she had decorated herself. It was UNbelievable.
But I am going to be perfectly honest. Despite my debt situation, and the fact that being a "good provider" is not DH's strong suit, I do NOT envy my friend, who bought the security she needed with her freedom. She follows her husband around, volunteering for charity boards, and being Martha Stewart for his social circle. I really would not want to be her. Honestly. Feeling I had to live up to this standard of living, and entertain all the hoity-toity Blue Bloods in the Northeast and just go along because my husband has these long, long purse strings.
Nah, despite my debt, I really think I'm freer than she is.
UGH That life would NOT make me happy at all. Actually makes me cringe. But I can see how other's would like it (as my friend does) and in some ways they are able to enjoy helping someone else be able to achieve their work/career dreams (spouse) by being there to take care of all those social chores. I can also see how someone like my friend would find security in marriage. She didn't have a lot of opportunities and, having come from a very unstable, always on the edge of poverty and homelessness, kind of background as a kid, finding that security probably felt like a God send. I know it was for me but I preferred self reliance rather then dependence as she prefers. She does work (but will quit after she gets married) and has been really successful pulling herself up by the boot straps without anything but a high school education. If the economy and housing market hadn't tanked, or if she hadn't been such a spend thrift, I think she could have continued to be very successful. But even in her success, she always wanted (and expected) a man to take care of her in a fairly high style. She'll get that now and will be joining the likes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" in that country club lifestyle like your friend. Hmmm....maybe I should stay around and be one of her BM's - be nice to have a few country club friends :-)!
rodeosweetheart
7-12-14, 6:16am
If being a bridesmaid gets you a spot as a BF on RHOOC, I say go for it--I would get cable to watch you on that show--you could be there financial wakeup call, since they seem to always be on the verge of bankruptcy. That would be neat.
Otherwise, I think your plan about traveling and coming back from the wedding sounds much better.
I hated all that stuff when I did it in the 70's and can't imagine doing it again. But, as Yossarian said, sometimes you sacrifice to be a friend. I have a friend who came to both of my weddings and I am really honored that she stuck in there with me, all these years, and so touched that she was there for me both time.
If being a bridesmaid gets you a spot as a BF on RHOOC, I say go for it--I would get cable to watch you on that show--you could be there financial wakeup call, since they seem to always be on the verge of bankruptcy. That would be neat.
Otherwise, I think your plan about traveling and coming back from the wedding sounds much better.
I hated all that stuff when I did it in the 70's and can't imagine doing it again. But, as Yossarian said, sometimes you sacrifice to be a friend. I have a friend who came to both of my weddings and I am really honored that she stuck in there with me, all these years, and so touched that she was there for me both time.Yeah I can drive up to the fancy mcmansion in my 14 year old truck, wearing my grubby thrift store duds, no make up, and hair in a pony tail and I'd fit right in with TRHWOOC! Maybe I represent the REAL RHWOOC.
I agree it's nice to be able to support a friend and that's something I would like to do - but the whole hoopla surrounding her up coming wedding is just something I don't want to deal with. She has her daughter (who asked for and got a $500 Coach handbag for Christmas) and other friends who love that kind of stuff so she'll have tons of help. My dilemma now is do I even go to the wedding or not. I had planned to be on a road trip long before that and not be back then (aiming for late Oct or early Nov to come back to Cali) and can't fly back because I'll have the dog with me. Didn't think it would be a big deal to her if I wasn't there but now I see that it is. Oh well, I'll deal with that when it gets closer.
I think it's more supportive to avoid siding with a friend's weakness--I'd avoid the lying about it too, as if I were really wanting to go.
Like most of the other responses I think you made the right choice. As a guy i'm lucky that I'm not likely to be asked to be a bridesmade, but with gay marriage becoming legal in state after state we do occasionally get invited to weddings. Thankfully none of our friends have opted to follow the marriage industrial complex model of turning a wedding into a months long self-indulgent ongoing event like so many of my straight acquaintances do. There hasn't even been a bachelor party to go to. Most of our friends, all middle aged, middle class guys like us, have opted for modest quiet ceremonies with at least two just being courthouse ceremonies followed by a nice lunch somewhere for the few attendees.
Yep, sending Yossarian in my place sounds great....
took out a home equity loan to buy herself some new boobs! Ah, big spenders, big bucks, big boobs :-)!
My guess is friends of yours would be fun, but...
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l182/Ecksarelle/ThisThreadisworthlesswithoutPics.gif
rodeosweetheart
7-12-14, 7:15pm
My guess is friends of yours would be fun, but...
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l182/Ecksarelle/ThisThreadisworthlesswithoutPics.gif
I want pictures of you in that first wedding with the pink dress, Spartana.
ToomuchStuff
7-13-14, 12:43am
You already had plans and non refundable things are paid for (political speak for the vehicle), so I wouldn't worry about it.
From your description of her, and the "big deal", is sounds more like she wanted you to be a BM to help finance/pay for stuff and would be disappointed at not getting some expensive gift, more then the company.
Never know, he may get wise and bow out before she gets into him more.
My guess is friends of yours would be fun, but...
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l182/Ecksarelle/ThisThreadisworthlesswithoutPics.gifYes I do think you'd like her :devil: but sorry...no pics! Rodeosweetheart, the first BM dress was baby blue (and I probably do have a photo somewhere in the depths of my computer) but the new will be pink - which is actually my favorite clothes color - and probably more mature then the Gone With The Wind meets Little Bo Peep thing from the first wedding. Well I'd hope so at least.
Well I thanked her for the "honor" (and I really was touched) but turned it down with my excuse/lie/partial truth (I really will be gone soon and maybe not back by then) and she was a bit hurt but OK with it all.
Let her know you'll participate in her 4th wedding since it's a recurring event. Third wedding should be minimalist.
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