Need Alone Time

[Sad Eyed Lady]

I am wondering if most women feel this need for alone time? DH and I have been married 40+ years, no children - just the two of us. We are both retired and still have a great marriage and relationship. Yet, I NEED alone time. He doesn't seem to be this way so much, and this made me wonder if this is a woman/man type thing. Do women crave time alone more than men? I might add that DH is also a very inside kind of person. He is a reader, a writer, and not one to go out to piddle around with an automobile, or work in the yard, etc. So most of his activities are inside. I know there are some wives who may go through a whole day and barely see their spouse even thought he is home due the things he enjoys being outside the house. We have actually had discussions about this, more than once, and while DH is very understanding, and makes an effort to do differently, he falls back into the same routine after a few days. We have a nice little library just a couple of blocks away, so that is a place he can frequent, and does. He goes to a walking track most days, so that's good. It's just getting him out the door to do these things! In fact, it seems that morning is the preferred time I want alone. I feel guilty, wanting him out of the house, but even just an hour or two alone makes me a whole different person. Something I can't really explain, but it is there - a part of me and who I am.

[Miss Cellane]

I don't think this is necessarily a man/woman thing. I think some people just like being alone more than other people.

In your case, maybe some sort of compromise is possible. Half the time, he leaves the house, and you, alone for an hour or two. The other half of the time, you leave the house to find your alone time. This means that both of you will be shaking up your normal routine, instead of just him.

So three days a week, you head for the library or coffee shop or just take a walk. And three days a week, he leaves.

Or if mornings are your preferred alone time, can you get up an hour earlier than he does and spend that time by yourself? If you have a sunroom or a porch or a deck, you could move there, and be by yourself for an hour.

[razz]

I need an hour at least every morning to sort out my thoughts and find the peace for the day. DH used to leave me to it as he noticed that my disposition improved with it and deteriorated without that private space.
It actually got to the point that he relaxed in one chair and simply was very quiet with his eyes closed so that I felt complete peace in my chair. It was a quiet contentment both ways but it took a while to get to that stage.
I also got my space when I walked the dog for an hour approximately each morning.

[Float On]

I need alone time.....and a lot of it.
I go on a personal retreat almost every year where I get three days away by myself - I rent a cottage on a big ranch about an hour away. I completely recharge.
But I need alone time on a daily basis as well. Personally I'd rather everyone else leave the house and let me have quiet at home for 3 hours.
There are times where I'm just desperate to have the bed all to myself and so I ask my husband to sleep in the guest room.
There are times where I really don't want a hug from anyone (personal space people).
This may also be why I love my kayaks. I go by myself most of the time - paddle hard and find a quiet cove and just float around by myself.

[TxZen]

I tend to be a loner even though most people think I am a social butterfly. :)

I enjoy myself when I am out but then I need a lot of downtime and some alone time at home to recover. I take very long walks and can putter around the house. Everyone knows not to just show up unannounced because I won't answer the door. I need my space- even from my precious boys. :)

Hubby does things like taking our son to the movies or the pool so I can veg for a little while.

[awakenedsoul]

I think it's common for women to need more alone time as they age. I've read it as a symptom of menopause. I think that it's actually healthy for spiritual growth. Could you make a place for yourself that is yours alone in the a.m.? I spend a few hours a day on my porch. It's cool, shady, and peaceful. I live alone, so it's different. But, when I lived with a man, I liked having time and space to do yoga and meditate every day. You know how some men have man cave? Maybe you need a woman cave... I hope you find a solution. Your husband sounds really sweet. Maybe he's a homebody...

[ctg492]

I need my time. Hubby needs his time. Back I. The day, I used to follow him around on Saturday or Sunday. What do you want to do? What are you doing? Oh boy those days are gone! Every so often I read one of those feel good stories in the
news on someone's passing. How they never spent time apart from spouse. I kinda think, I doubt it or poor them!

[Sad Eyed Lady]

Having time in the morning hours before he gets up isn't going to happen. I am not a morning person, and he is up by 5:30, so he already has a few hours before I am up and about. On the other hand, he does go to bed earlier than I do so I do have some time then, but it's not the same as starting my day in a quiet way. Miss Cellane noted that we should kind of "take turns" being out of the house, but, (I didn't point this out earlier), I am much more of a "goer" then he is, so I am out quite a bit and there again he has some hours alone. I am so close to how Float On described herself; that time alone is a real need. When I worked I would go out to lunch alone usually, maybe drive to the city park and just sit in the car and read for an hour if it was chilly out, or sit at a picnic table if it was nice. When DH is out I tend to get in a better mood and am glad to see him when he comes back - after I've had that space alone at home for just a couple of hours. And, awakenedsoul , he is really sweet and a homebody. You're right.

[Float On]

I am so close to how Float On described herself; that time alone is a real need. When I worked I would go out to lunch alone usually, maybe drive to the city park and just sit in the car and read for an hour if it was chilly out, or sit at a picnic table if it was nice.

The other day I grabbed a book and went to one of the parks by one of the lakes and found a bench. I was hoping for a little alone time to read and drink my cucumber/lime infused water. Not one but three different fishermen stopped to chat and ask me about my book. Inside I was screaming "I'm trying to read...move along" the trout must of not been biting very well. I ended up in my car. Not what I had intended.

I read over what I wrote again and thought "that sounds really introverted" and I'm not. I pour a lot of energy into people and activities, I just really need my time too.

[SiouzQ.]

The older I get, the more I crave being alone, though I do like to know that there are people nearby sometimes in the background, if that makes any sense. I loved my 16 day road trip all by myself and can't quite imagine sharing that amount of time and space with another person, 24/7. I think really it would freak me out.

[awakenedsoul]

Katherine Hepburn said that people should get married and live next door to each other. That always made me chuckle. Sounds like a guest house would be nice...

[CathyA]

A couple years ago, I finally started to deal with my sleep disorder. When DH and I were sleeping in the same room, his pager would go off, the dog or the cat would bug me, him talking in his sleep would wake me up, etc., etc., etc. He kindly offered to move into DD's room, after she left for college. It's been WONDERFUL!!! He goes to bed around 8 and reads for awhile, and I go around 10 to watch TV. He doesn't watch TV. I keep my door closed now so the dog doesn't bug me...the cat died. :(
But I'm quite a loner, and I have to say, having this time and space alone is so great! I think more couples should feel that it's okay to have your own room.

[Songbird]

I need alone time in the morning and now that we are both retired we've managed to work this out to both our satisfaction. Our cabin is tiny, so I hang out in our bedroom drinking coffee and reading. I'm a very quiet person in the morning. DH on the other hand wakes up raring to go, so he eats breakfast and then takes our dog for a long walk every morning. We're all happy with this hour or more apart - me, DH, and the dog. :)

Sometimes I long to sleep in my own bed alone, but DH sees that as a bad thing for our marriage....

[meri]

I need a lot of alone time. Fortunately I get up super early every day so I am able to get couple of hours of quiet time every day even though we live three people in a one bedroom apartment. I also run and cycle a lot and I count that as alone time as well, I hardly ever go with someone else and I value every minute of my quiet mornings and long runs and rides / well, oftentimes it's the same thing as I head out for a run or ride at 4AM either to commute to work or to get some fresh air and movement before everyone else wakes up and I usually still end up having enough time to clear the kitchen, prepare breakfast and start cooking weekend lunch all by myself without feeling that there is someone else demanding attention.

Sometimes I feel selfish but than ... if I don't get my alone time I just get all grumpy and regard every interaction even with family members as a duty rather than joy. My husband is very outgoing and social person and it took him a while to get used to the fact that I actually do need my alone time and that his company is not missed. Now he lives his social life and I live my 'lonely' life and when we do meet at home we leave it all outside and have energy and actually look forward to spending some valuable time together as a family be it talking and playing games or just sitting in the living room and reading each our own books or doing some chores.

I don't think it's male/female thing. Maybe some of it is inherited and some part might be just patterns seen growing up. Both daughters are social butterflies just as their parents are. I am a loner just as my grandfather and father. My dad's nickname was The Lone Wolf or Akela. Guess there still is a lot of that 'the wolf's kid' I was when I dragged behind him when he took me with him on weekend rambles and who said see you next time and didn't even bother to wave goodbye to the disappearing motorbike when he was leaving.

[Selah]

I need my alone time or else I go bat-crap crazy. Usually, that just involves me diving into the bedroom, pulling the blinds down, and jumping into bed. I don't necessarily sleep, or read, or watch tv---sometimes I do some or all of these things, but on many occasions I just breathe quietly and try to calm myself. I call it "resting," but really, it's a mental rest from talking and from external stimulation that I need, more than getting sleep.

I've also noticed that since DH is a loud snorer on most nights, I've gotten more firm about just getting up and going to sleep in the next room. DH doesn't like it, and would prefer it if I tried to fall asleep before he did, so we could sleep together and his snores wouldn't bother me. But I can't fall asleep quickly...I need to read a bit first, whereas he falls asleep and starts sawing logs the minute his head hits the pillow, so it doesn't usually work out that way. I've noticed that whenever I sleep in the other room, I do wake up feeling more rested, regardless of the number of hours of sleep I have, than I ever do when I sleep with DH. I think his snoring is disturbing my sleep, even if I do manage to "sleep through it." It's a shame...DH already had surgery to stop his snoring, but it didn't work--he really does snore terribly! :(

[Alan]

I've also noticed that since DH is a loud snorer on most nights, I've gotten more firm about just getting up and going to sleep in the next room. DH doesn't like it, and would prefer it if I tried to fall asleep before he did, so we could sleep together and his snores wouldn't bother me. But I can't fall asleep quickly...I need to read a bit first, whereas he falls asleep and starts sawing logs the minute his head hits the pillow, so it doesn't usually work out that way. I've noticed that whenever I sleep in the other room, I do wake up feeling more rested, regardless of the number of hours of sleep I have, than I ever do when I sleep with DH. I think his snoring is disturbing my sleep, even if I do manage to "sleep through it." It's a shame...DH already had surgery to stop his snoring, but it didn't work--he really does snore terribly! :(

Your husband and I have much in common it seems. My wife says that I'm one of the finest snorers she's ever had the misfortune to meet. Of course, I dispute that as I've never heard myself snore. After about 35 years of being poked and prodded multiple times during the night, I finally moved into the guest room as sort of a self defense mechanism.

I must say this has turned out to be one of the most satisfying moves we've ever made in terms of marital harmony. I now have the opportunity to read to my heart's content, utilize blankets and pillows as I see fit and turn completely sideways in the bed if I so desire. It feels like freedom!

Oh, and we've established a rule that each of us is welcome to come and visit whenever we want, as long as we're awake....

[Float On]

Sometimes I long to sleep in my own bed alone, but DH sees that as a bad thing for our marriage....

Actually it's quite good. I want to hear more about your small cabin.


Alan, I have one aunt who ended up recording her husband one night so he could hear just how loud and disruptive his snoring was. He also spontaneously shouted out words at times, apparently a very active dream life. That was all it took for him to agree that separate bedrooms might be the only way to keep the marriage intact.

[mira]

I don't think it necessarily has to do with gender, just disposition.

DH and I both need time on our own to do our own things. I get up earlier than he does, so I get time in the mornings (weekends) to read in bed or watch some saved-up programmes on TV. He goes to bed quite a lot later than I do, so he gets that time alone to play video games and watch the programmes he likes. He's quite a homebody though - I'd really like it if he did something outside of the apartment every so often so I could have the place to myself! He gets plenty of time to himself in the apartment when I go out with friends/work colleagues.

However, DH is the only person I can be around for ages without eventually feeling tired and cranky... I guess it's because there's not that pressure to be constantly talking to one another (neither of us are phenomenal talkers). After a long day at work with colleagues (as lovely as they are) and customers, I need to be able to carve out some time where I don't feel pressured to come up with something 'interesting' to say.

[Marion]

I have always needed to spend several hours a day alone to recharge my batteries, it's as vital for my survival as air, water and food.
This is probably one of the reasons why I am childfree by choice, it would drive me crazy to have to deal with children 24 hours a day.
I feel it's a great privilege to be able to have this alone time.

[Spartana]

I have huge amounts of "alone-time" and really really relish that. Being single and living at least part of the time alone, and choosing to do almost all my travelling alone, is something I really enjoy and need. I can pick and choose when I want to be with people (friends, family, BF's, strangers), or not. Best of all worlds!

[Aqua Blue]

I'm very much an introvert and like Marion it probably played into not having children. I'm ok with people and had a job that was very full of people, but to recharge I need alone time. I have just spent the day alone, just me, no phone calls, actually I haven't heard a human voice all day and it has been nice.

[fidgiegirl]

I think it's a basic human need, but one I'm just recognizing because I ain't getting it right now. :) Since little one has come along I am either with him or DH or both all.the.time. I'm very extroverted so I think I never noticed it before because I was getting enough alone time just driving to work and working at work. But now that I'm not getting it, whoo boy . . . look out. Someone upthread said it nicely, it turns familial interactions into a feeling of obligation rather than joy. I need to find a kind way to tell DH what I need. I've started by saying I need "mama time." He is supportive when I put it like that. That has been a better way to frame it for him than "alone time." He takes it very personally if I have said it that way in the past. Also, I find I have to leave the premises to truly get this time. If I stay home, just when my mind is immersed in something DH shows up and wants to chat. 95% of the time I am happy to chat about anything and everything, but in those 5% of moments I am not too happy to be interrupted!!

[jp1]

The other day I grabbed a book and went to one of the parks by one of the lakes and found a bench. I was hoping for a little alone time to read and drink my cucumber/lime infused water. Not one but three different fishermen stopped to chat and ask me about my book. Inside I was screaming "I'm trying to read...move along" the trout must of not been biting very well. I ended up in my car. Not what I had intended.

I read over what I wrote again and thought "that sounds really introverted" and I'm not. I pour a lot of energy into people and activities, I just really need my time too.

That doesn't sound introverted to me. It sounds more like you were being interrupted by people while you were trying to read a book.

But also keep in mind that being an introvert, at least a moderate introvert, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't enjoy people and activities. it only means that you find interaction with people to be energy consuming and alone time to be restorative to your energy levels. Extroverts are the opposite. Personally I'm a moderate introvert, yet I am thriving in a job role that involves lots of external meetings, giving presentations and such. I have, however, noticed that most weekends I now want to pretty much stay home, sit on our deck and read books. Before I took on this role at work we used to socialize a lot more on the weekends.

[pinkytoe]

Read an article just the other day which of course I can't find now about some psychologists' study on this topic. Their research showed that the proliferation of busyness and device attachment boils down to mostly one reason - many people in these times cannot stand to be alone with their thoughts. It literally made some of the study participants feel like they were going crazy.

[Karma]

How about just close a door and tell him you want to meditate? Or you could go outside with your tea. I would hate it if my husband wanted me to leave the house so he could be alone when I didn't want to.

[Gardenarian]

I do hear this more from women than men, tho that's not exactly scientific :)

I need lots of alone time. I need time to read, to create. I have my little writing office set up in our laundry room, which has a door.

I also feel that it is hard for me to get stuff done around the house unless I am alone. There is something very freeing and invigorating about having the house to yourself. When I'm working on projects - say, landscaping, hanging curtains, or repainting - Dh will continually offer comments and advice, which I find irritating.

Still, my room is the one everyone gravitates to - dd, the dogs, dh. That's nice, but it's also why I need to escape.

I have had a lot of alone time this summer and have never felt so creative. I'm deeply introverted, but I still need people in my life. The "two house" marriage sounds about right to me!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Read an article just the other day which of course I can't find now about some psychologists' study on this topic. Their research showed that the proliferation of busyness and device attachment boils down to mostly one reason - many people in these times cannot stand to be alone with their thoughts. It literally made some of the study participants feel like they were going crazy.

I literally feel like I'm going crazy IF I DON'T get time alone with my thoughts. Like at least a day a week.

[Rosemary]

I need a large amount of alone time. When everyone is home I can get it by working in my garden or going for a walk or bike ride. I maintain a very early waking schedule, which helps... I'm a lark and DH is a night owl, so we each get our quiet times at opposite ends of the clock. That time is essential for feeding my creativity and for helping me to process things. I feel very unsettled when I don't get enough of it. After a couple of hours with a group of people anywhere, I always need some time alone to recharge.