Was I rude?

[snowwolf]

Hello there, I would love to hear from some of you as to what you would say to an in-law who asked if I wanted them to start a collection of a specific type of toy for my young child. I try hard day in and day out to simplify my family's life with respect to our routines, material items, etc. I'm sure that is why I was asked first if starting a collection would be okay. I responded with a "no thank you, I would really prefer not to have a collection for him because...you know me...I am always trying to keep things simple and having lots of things to store or find room for is really stressful for me." I was being honest and was very nice about it. However, my husband thinks it is rude for me to tell my in-law that I would rather not have a collection started for our child and that I should just accept these things that other people want to do for our children. This is stressful for me to even think about! I think collections that a child has to eventually deal with him/herself are difficult eventually because I honestly do not know one person who doesn't struggle with whether to keep collections that someone has collected for him/her because of the "sentimental" attachment to that person's memory.

Was I wrong to be honest? I certainly was nice about it and my in-law's response was a simple "Oh, that's fine. Just thought I would ask first!"

Thank you in advance....

[frugal-one]

No ... not at all. It was nice of the in-law to ask you first! I still have my DS's collection of Christmas ornaments that neither of us want. They probably are worth something now but who cares. Something else to deal with.

[Float On]

I think your in-law was wonderfully observant to ask. Sounds like the in-law "gets you". I'm still trying to get my own mother to "get me". I think 1/3 of the things I declutter every month are things that she passes along to me because she doesn't have any more room herself.

Welcome to the boards!

[razz]

First off, I am not sure of the age of your little one so it may impact my response.

I agree with you to a large point with a little 'but'. While you may feel and express gratitude for the respect and consideration of the inlaw for asking first, may I suggest that a collection of appropriate items might be really good. The inlaw was trying, as I try, to find a way of giving acceptable and suitable gifts that ease the decision of gift-giving. My DGS loves his skylander http://www.skylanders.com/trapteam collection, for example, but I leave that to his parents to work through as they know what, when and how much is right and enough. It is all age-dependent, IMO. The kids love sharing ideas with other kids for what to do with these.

With DD and DSIL's suggestion, I have given this 10 year old DGS a sturdy toolbox to which I will add a new quality tool every Christmas and he knows this but not what it might be. He will then have his own set of good tools when he becomes older and more handy. May I suggest that you again thank them for their courtesy and consideration for asking and then offer an idea or two that might be suitable for your child, your space etc., and keep that set idea aside for them. It might be some good books, a series of legos in small increments or kits, a suitable puzzle or creative kit each year that will change as the child ages and the older puzzles can be donated elsewhere later but your child will see this as a series.

It is a good way to involve the inlaw in the choosing by discussing the options with your DH so that you can continue to have good discussions with both DH and inlaw as the child ages and the needs change as they will without developing clutter. You are not saying a flat no but offering what might work over the years. I agree that collections of beanbag babies or hot cars do become a nuisance to manage and dispose of later.

Hope that helps.

[rodeosweetheart]

Hi, nice to meet you!
You write,
"This is stressful for me to even think about! I think collections that a child has to eventually deal with him/herself are difficult eventually because I honestly do not know one person who doesn't struggle with whether to keep collections that someone has collected for him/her because of the "sentimental" attachment to that person's memory.'
This is certainly a legitimate way to feel, but this is more about your feelings than either the child's or the grandparents. Why not suggest the grandparent keeps the collection for the child and the child can play with it/enjoy it/admire it/learn from it/ whatever when visiting the grandparent.

Or sell it someday if it is of value, and the child might be able to do something else, like make a downpayment on a house, if grandparent selects some freakishly valuable collectible.

Or leave the issue of dealing with "sentimental" attachment to the child, when grown, since it is the child's memory of grandparent, and not your own.

I cherish my memories of my grandparents and wish they had started a collection of something for me; I think it is a lovely sentiment, and why do you have to keep it? Why not have the grandparent keep it?

Just an idea.

[Aqua Blue]

My mom was a minimalist in a tiny house with 4 kids. We got things from her parents(which she screened ), but she always refused things from my paternal grandmother, saying whatever it was would take up too much room. I resented my mom. There was also a emotional wall with my paternal grandmother. I wonder what the relationship would have been like if my mother wasn't so controlling. If this is a preschooler you probably can get by with it, if it is a school age child I would reconsider. YMMV

[sweetana3]

I think you both handled it well. Their asking ahead of time, your providing an appropriate response. Good communication. "Collections" can often be useless things kept just to have a grouping of something. Tools, books, age appropriate toys are usually not what people ask about when talking about "collections".

Seems the grandparents might need some ideas of what might be useful or helpful for the child. Suggest what you are comfortable with receiving. Often experiences are great unless the grandparents are far away.

[awakenedsoul]

snowwolf, I don't think you were rude. Welcome to the forum, by the way! I don't know if your MIL lives nearby, but if so, what about lessons or an outing as a gift? My aunt used to take my brothers and I to see the circus for our birthday present. We'd go out to eat a meal and have a sundae at Farrel's first, and then enjoy the circus. We loved it! She also took my mother and I to see Broadway shows as a gift. Those are such great memories. Because of that exposure, I ended up becoming a performer in Broadway tours. My mom gave my nephews swimming lessons for their birthday. They don't need any stuff, and their parents can't afford lessons. To me, that's something that will last a lifetime...

[Dhiana]

I think you both handled it well. Their asking ahead of time, your providing an appropriate response. Good communication. "Collections" can often be useless things kept just to have a grouping of something. Tools, books, age appropriate toys are usually not what people ask about when talking about "collections".

Seems the grandparents might need some ideas of what might be useful or helpful for the child. Suggest what you are comfortable with receiving. Often experiences are great unless the grandparents are far away.

+1

[bae]

I don't think you were rude at all, unless you delivered the message impolitely.

[flowerseverywhere]

I don't think you were rude. If they asked they must have figured you wouldn't like it.

I am making a scrapbook of sorts for each of my grandkids

it starts with pictures of their grandparents as kids( the other grandparents were very cooperative) with stories about where they lived, things they did as kids. Up to when mom and dad grew up then met, got married etc. then some baby pics of them, where and when they were born. I started these when each were born. I have script and pictures as well as drawings in the books for each of them. They talk about vacations, favorite toys, all kinds of things.

I know now how much fun my sibs and I have looking at the old family pics and I think when they are adults this might have meaning for them. Now a set of teacups, or something like that, not so much.

[Simplemind]

I think it was very thoughtful of them to ask if you minded a "collection". I think your response was equally thoughtful and honest without being rude. You didn't say no to gifts you said no to a collection. Most collections are displayed and can become a pain in the behind. When asked a similar question years ago I suggested experiences or lessons. It ended up being lessons and music has been the greatest gift in his life. I also thought it was great that there were toys and the grandparents house that stayed there and he looked forward to playing with them there.

[Selah]

Call back and say, "why yes, thanks for asking. Come to think of it, I AM starting a collection for my child, as a matter of fact. But it's not toys...it's a stock portfolio which you are more than welcome to contribute to! We keep it online so it doesn't take up any physical space, and doesn't need to be dusted!"

[goldensmom]

I don't think you were rude, and as <bae> said, as long as you were not impolite. By asking, your in-law gave you the decision to make and you made it. I have an in-law who decided that I should collect something that she liked and for 25+ years I have received an item for this collection for Christmas and my birthday. I've asked her politely to stop but apparently not sternly enough so I just take them and get rid of them because I don't care for the collected item, I won't store them and I am not a 'display' things person.

[OwlGirl]

I don't know if anyone mentioned this already, but I suppose it depends on if your child actually wants whatever his uncle wanted to give him. I think it's good you said no because it would have stressed you out (and believe me, my in laws stress me out by constantly giving me stuff that I just don't want or need then I feel bad that I don't use it). But what I can imagine happening is that the in laws will get really attached to this collection, and perhaps more so than your child. That can stress out your child, too, because they won't want to disappoint his family.

I think that there are things parents should lighten up on, and believe me, I get it and its so frustrating being a parent sometimes. But also, if your kid is not interested in receiving these toys for a long time to come, then why do it. Sure, a toy here and there would be great from the in laws, but perhaps a whole collection is going a bit far.

I feel like I need to stand up to my in laws a bit more. It's just hard to do without the husband (or me) feeling like I'm being mean (even though I don't think it is).

[Float On]

What Selah posted (on my laptop I can't quote people, sorry) is exactly what my MIL did. All the grandkids lived over 1000 miles away. When children were born she invested $5000. She said "I'm too far away to know what clothes or toys they already have and I'm more interested in their future than things". I'm so glad she did that because as our business failed we have nothing to offer to help our boys with college but they each have around $35,000 headed into their Sr year of high school.

[ToomuchStuff]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZRvHbHxr-k
They asked, and you were blunt and truthful, then it is their problem. Better that, then them seeing it in a garage sale, shortly after and being hurt about wasted money and time.

[rodeosweetheart]

What Selah said. This is what I did for my grandson, and a year in, his portfolio is up 11%.
I'd rather buy him Disney stock than Disney toys.

[bae]

Mr BAE, I don't mean to be rude, I really don't.

Sure you do.

[mtnlaurel]

Mr BAE, I don't mean to be rude, I really don't. But couldn't you post one of your huuuge photos, instead of a simple written response? Just Curious. Not trying to be rude. Thanks!

Packy, the gig is up.
You are not clever, you are not cute.

Please stop.

[Tiam]

Hello there, I would love to hear from some of you as to what you would say to an in-law who asked if I wanted them to start a collection of a specific type of toy for my young child. I try hard day in and day out to simplify my family's life with respect to our routines, material items, etc. I'm sure that is why I was asked first if starting a collection would be okay. I responded with a "no thank you, I would really prefer not to have a collection for him because...you know me...I am always trying to keep things simple and having lots of things to store or find room for is really stressful for me." I was being honest and was very nice about it. However, my husband thinks it is rude for me to tell my in-law that I would rather not have a collection started for our child and that I should just accept these things that other people want to do for our children. This is stressful for me to even think about! I think collections that a child has to eventually deal with him/herself are difficult eventually because I honestly do not know one person who doesn't struggle with whether to keep collections that someone has collected for him/her because of the "sentimental" attachment to that person's memory.

Was I wrong to be honest? I certainly was nice about it and my in-law's response was a simple "Oh, that's fine. Just thought I would ask first!"

Thank you in advance....

Oh, no. Not at all. I think Parents should have the final say over their children's gifts.

[snowwolf]

I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond! I really appreciate your thoughts on this....and some of your suggestions. I have since talked with my in-law and point blank asked if my response offended her and to my delight she laughed and said "oh not at all! I sort of thought you wouldn't want me to start a collection, so that is why I wanted to check with you." It was my DH who made me think I was being too harsh and somewhat rude.
Thanks again everyone -- really appreciate it!

[awakenedsoul]

Good for you for asking her directly. Glad to hear it all worked out. It's nice that she checked with you first.