View Full Version : Knowing myself
After enduring 2 weeks in CT and Mass, I am certain of who I am now. Apparently I didn’t get the “it’s every person for yourself and tough do do that you live 2000 miles away” memo. I never thought in a million years greed would be the one thing that entered my family’s life.
I went home to attend a memorial for my Mom and was astounded at how greed and entitlement reared its ugly head. My sister and brother in law basically cleaned out my Mom’s townhome, leaving my dad with his clothes, the books in a huge mess and a few pictures on the wall. Also, 2 sets of old dishes. Everything else was cleaned out and by cleaned I mean taken to my sister’s house. I was very angry at first, as I know my mom kept some old jewelry, having 2 sets of wedding rings herself, a full canister of JFK half dollars from the 1960-70’s, photographs, a few antique family pieces around the house and the green metal box, which contains all of their personal information like SSN cards, the wills, mortgage, etc. ALL GONE!!!
I was so angry. Who goes in and cleans out the good stuff and leaves my dad in a state of chaos with the rest? Who are these people? Were we not raised in the same household? Same values? Same expectations? And the kicker was I was told that…wait for it…since I have not been around, I don’t get the check marks in the boxes for helping out, so I guess there is some system or record keeping of who did what, which the sum equals one part when the division comes. Have I lost y’all?
I was beyond livid for a few days but I didn’t like how it made me feel. It was just stuff. I decided to let the anger go and let karma and life deal with it. I realized I am not angry over the stuff per say but the way I was treated. Stuff is stuff, no matter it’s worth. I did acquire some of the older photos of my family so my son has some history but other than that, we walked out with nothing. I really didn’t expect anything because I thought we were being honorable and waiting until my dad passes to do this.
I have learned give people things now, don’t hoard, don’t become greedy and live a happy peaceful life. It was definitely a huge chapter in my life that I have now closed for good.
I am able to move on. I know who I am and I know what I want. VERY clear on that now and it's nice to know I was always headed in the right direction. Maybe I just needed a push or to see what I did so I can accept it with full gratitude and peace.
What astounds me the most is that your dad is still alive. It's his house. They had no right. If they left him without furniture and basic items to live by, this can be reported to adult protective services as elder abuse. And if they took anything against his will that isn't needed for basic living that too is abuse.
My thoughts exactly Tammy. It's disgusting. He does have some furniture and the basics but who the heck cleans out a house like that? I would have left the stuff in one of the closet, packed up and taken out the stuff he doesn't need, like the 3000 books.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-23-14, 11:47am
You said in the box with papers there were WILLS. Wills state the deceased's wishes and are upheld by the courts. They cannot just take like that. I know the first upsetting thing is how you and your father have been treated, by family even, and that is the primary hurt. But secondly, if the will did not state they were to come and take whatever they like, then they have broken the law and it can be addressed. I worked for 13 years for attorneys and saw this over and over. If someone died, (most especially without a will), then grown adult children would come in the office and fight over pots and pans! It was disgusting. It happens, sad to say, it happens. Why does death bring out the greed in a person? I have never understood this vulture like mentality, but it is certainly alive and well. It there is indeed a valid will you have recourse.
iris lily
8-23-14, 11:59am
OP, how cognizant and functional is your father? His financial papers are his and he needs to take them back. The rest of it--he may not care if they took stuff, he may have said it's ok.
These things do bring out the worst in siblings, but not always. When DH's mother died there was a gathering of her children at their house (with his father there) and they went through lots of stuff--to take and to toss. But their father was there the entire time, assuring them that it was all ok to take the stuff. Someone mentioned pots and pans above--I asked DH to snare his mother's cast iron skillets, if they were ready to be given up and if no one else wanted them. I got them! Use them every day.
DH's family event of division of stuff went very well, there were no obvious arguments about the "stuff" and his father's estate is now set up in a trust where everyone knows how it will be apportioned. But that said, there is still craploads of stuff on his family farm that will have to be divided or sold.
That is the problem. I wasn't around and they never asked me. I know why my mom had and it makes me sick to my stomach that my family is this way. My dad has been through chemo, so he has some memory loss, the loss of his wife of 50 years and learning to live a new life by himself. His distractions were their in to take everything. I am not up to fighting it. I have seem MANY families pulled apart and a lot of hate. I am a very calm and zen person and do believe this will all come back to bite them. My brother in law is no help. He is the most greedy, everyone owes him type of person I have ever met. They couldn't make a sound decision between the both of them. They have to live with themselves. I will say this and please no one be offended. They are HIGHLY Religious people, which makes me laugh because they are the most non religious acting people I have ever met. They have everyone fooled. Even during the memorial, the Pastor said we should not make like about the things but rather about the people. I looked straight at them and they would not make eye contact. It's disgusting but they are making these choices.
Here is the kicker- we went to MASS to see my husband's side of the family. He lost his brother 6 weeks after my Mom passed. The 2 remaining brothers are now settling everything 50/50, even getting into friendly fights because they didn't want to appear greedy. THAT is how it's supposed to be done. Upfront, truthful, fair, clean split- no finger pointing, no check lists, no I deserve this or that, no questioning decisions. 50/50. Period.
It's not about the stuff. It the principle of it. Greed is ugly.
GreenMama, I am so sorry that you experienced this. This may be a battle that you have to take on, however.
If your dad is vulnerable, he can be abused very badly, emotionally, financially and physically. Who else will care for him? Who will pay for his care? I would definitely look into elder abuse advisors, the state of the will and who is the executor or this family member will believe and act as though there are no checks and balances.
iris lilies
8-23-14, 1:26pm
GreenMama, I am so sorry that you experienced this. This may be a battle that you have to take on, however.
If your dad is vulnerable, he can be abused very badly, emotionally, financially and physically. Who else will care for him? Who will pay for his care? I would definitely look into elder abuse advisors, the state of the will and who is the executor or this family member will believe and act as though there are no checks and balances.
Yes! And when you are doing this, make it about business. You can do that! It's not about your hurt and payback and any other emotions taking place inside you.
The law, your father's rights and care of him, those are the issues that need to be addressed.
My brother is the executor and he is just as bad. Who do I go to? I don't live there. I am 2000 miles away. I don't think there is anyone I can trust.
iris lilies
8-23-14, 1:43pm
My brother is the executor and he is just as bad. Who do I go to? I don't live there. I am 2000 miles away. I don't think there is anyone I can trust.
In your original post, you mentioned only a sister. If your brother is officially in charge and you are 2000 miles away, there's not a lot you can do without spending a lot of your own resources to monitor the situation.
I will gently offer the idea that, generally speaking, siblings who live by mom and dad "get more stuff" than siblings who are far away. I see that with my brother, I see that with DH's brother. I am perfectly ok with that. DH is perfectly ok with it. There IS a trade off in that siblings who are local take on a burden of care for the parents that those of us miles away do not.
Any "real" assets need to be divided up equally, but the little stuff, not worth the sweat. My brother took my mom's car long before her assets were officially divided. It didn't bother me, and he even asked me if that was ok with me after taking it, being the good guy that he is. To me a car isn't worth arguing about unless it is a red roadster of European make, and my mother's little old lady car was not that.
As far as family photos, ask your sister if she will copy the ones you want. Or if you can have them to have copies made for everyone. That's what I did. I can't tell if you were interested in your mother's jewelry due to value or sentiment. But if it's the value, rest assured that it is unlikely that it's worth much. (But I do understand that for you, newly unemployed, a few hundred or thousand dollars is real money, so this complicates matters.)
awakenedsoul
8-23-14, 1:49pm
GreenMama,
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's shocking how people behave in these situations. When my older brother died, my two younger brothers and SIL went to his apt. the day he died, and put everything in storage. He didn't have a will, so my parents technically inherited his valuables. They let my brother and SIL keep everything. He had something like 8 expensive electric guitars, a paid off SUV, all kinds of amplifiers and equipment, an expensive bike, surfboards, and all kinds of high end electronics. I didn't want his stuff, (we weren't close,) but I know that he didn't trust or like my SIL, and she took total control. It made me sick. I don't have anything to do with them anymore. I visit my parents separately. I put my home and valuables in a trust, so that if I die, they won't be able to do the same thing. My brother and SIL have six vehicles. I told my parents the other day. "Too bad you gave the SUV to my brother and SIL, I would have bought it from you." (My car just died.) But, I would want a compact, fuel efficient car, anyway. Still, the inequity stings. They have done other things, as well. When my mom was on life support, they came over, took her car, and started driving around in it. During that hospital stay, SIL said, "We want your parents' house." (It's worth almost 2 million dollars.) It's in a trust, but it just sickens me how she is able to take, take, take and win. She has the only grandchildren, and so my parents do things her way.
My father offered to give my my bother's Ipad. He sent a sweet email saying that it was a really nice one, if I'd like it. I thanked him, accepted, and then my mother decided to give it to my 2 yr. old and 4 yr. old nephews. I have a computer, but it still sickens me, the favoritism and inconsistent behavior. I've documented it for the future.
Anyway, sorry to put so much of my own story in this post. But, I know the feeling. It's sad what death brings out in people.
Well the plot will thicken. I took care of my Dad's parents for 5 years while in college and working. I did not receive anything. I did it because that is what you are supposed to do, help. I am not interested in anything because of the value. It's the fact of taking something and literally lying and hiding it so I won't "get it". It's the act that I find disgusting. I never thought in a million years this would be MY family doing this. We come from long line of money/estate disputes and I guess the line continues. Makes me realize how badly I want to change things for my own little family.
I took some pics I wanted, maybe a shoe box full. I am going to make copies and send them back to my dad.
I am not worried about being unemployed. I have always taken care of myself since I was 18. It's really not about the money. It's the principle.
iris lilies
8-23-14, 2:07pm
The musings below are not comments directed at GreenMama, the OP. I intend this as just general musings.
Part of this issue is how do we view stuff, a burdon, or an asset? I dread the day that DH's father dies, it will be a huge crapload of "stuff" to dispense with. And sure, much of it will be worth real money, some SERIOUS money. Our garage and basement is already full to the brim and I plan to walk DH around our properties here before he goes to his father's house, just to have him carry a visual image of what little space we have to store more stuff.
I also think that we never get out of that childlike view of our parents as having riches. Their "stuff" may be imbued with more import than it really deserves.
My brother's wife got lots of my mother's antiques when my mom was moving and giving things away. But my mom was even handed in offering me the items she though I'd might like, and I wanted very few of them. What's cool is that my Sister in law has a bedroom in her house devoted to antique things from my mother and her auntie. It's nice to go into that room and "sit a spell" as my grandmother would say, taking in the old family pieces, but then being able to leave them, I don't have to dust them! haha.
Here's a funny recent story in DH's family. His very capable and trustworthy sister is the chief trust officer for their father's estate. Their father is still alive and working on the family farm. This sister staged an estate sale, helping her husband sell off her husband's father's estate in the same town. Her father in law and her own father were close friends. At that estate sale, her own father bought a box of plumbing tools because "they were too cheap to pass up." Now everyone is laughing because she knows she will have to sell that same box of tools again at her own father's estate sale and they will be exactly as he bought them since he doesn't do plumbing any more.
iris lilies
8-23-14, 2:10pm
...I am not worried about being unemployed. I have always taken care of myself since I was 18. It's really not about the money. It's the principle.
]Yes, I can see how it's shocking. Sadly, I think that this kind of thing is more the norm than the other way of open, honest interaction. I'm sorry that your sister's sneaky, underhanded behavior shocked you. I guess she's shown you who she really is.
I so totally understand. My dad died last month. He though he had left everything in a good state with a trust and even allocation. However, due to ill will between family members, things get out of control and bad feelings emerge. I am trying to convince my brother that his health is worth more than the small amounts some are arguing over. He needs to let go.\
When the $$ become more important than the people and the good will, the world is out of balance.
Such times bring out the worst and sometimes the best of people. We found out just how greedy and mean spirited our sister in law really is by watching her browbeat my brother when he tries to be kind and thoughtful.
awakenedsoul
8-23-14, 2:30pm
I paid my accountant, (who's also a tax attorney and estate attorney,) for an hour consultation. I told him what had happened, and that's why I put what I own in a trust. He recommended it. He said that there is a lot of this going on in this economy.
I also thought that my brothers and I would divide things equally (someday, down the line,) and without any animosity. But, with this SIL, everything has changed. The woman my brother dated before her went to jail for forging a check to herself for $2,000. from my parents' checkbook. Maybe it's just me, but I do like to see justice.
I read a book on trusts. They said that it's usually a in law that causes the problems, not one of the siblings. My mother has given me some beautiful jewelry now, saying, "Here's this, so SIL doesn't take it." My SIL is wearing my mom's engagement and wedding rings, and my mother is alive.
I'd be interested to hear your family history on this, greenmama. My mother's BIL did the same thing with my grandmother. Winner takes all attitude, when she wanted things divided evenly between her three children. They did give my mom her wedding ring. On my father's side, my cousin went to my aunt's, moved in when she had liver cancer, and got her to leave everything to him. She was very wealthy. My father received nothing and they had been very close. She specified that she wanted each of her nieces and nephews to receive $10,000. and my cousin kept it. It's a real lesson to me. I'd like to hire a professional to handle my estate. For now I have a friend in charge.
Crazy eh? I know in time, things will work out. I do have a contact for a nurse who visits my dad 2x a month. I will investigate via her what is really going on. My sis and bro in law are the worst. Always have been. They have never paid their way or even offered. They will get theirs in due time. Just wait. I will post when it happens. :)
I refuse to be bitter or upset. It is what it is because they think no one has noticed but I believe me, people have. There are people who steer clear of my family on purpose and then those who showed up with their hands out wide to get something from them. My brother is the same way with wrangling my dad into these money deals.
I really am ok. Just pissed that it had to happen this way but all the things I have seen over the past 20 years or so and no one believed me has come to light now. Patience IS a virtue.
The history on my Dad's side was pure greed anytime someone passed. It was all about money and things and we had Aunts/Cousins who I have not heard from since I was 3 because of a fight over a freezer. Seriously? A freakin' freezer. My dad's brother was taking money from their parents long before they ever passed away and they sat there like angels in church as well. I just couldn't live with myself. I don't even like having these pics here too long. I will get them copied and sent back ASAP.
My mom's side was a little better. They did split fairly but some people thought they deserved more.
I just don't treat anyone like that. I have always been responsible for myself, my mistakes, I take my licks and keep going. Maybe all of this has shaped me that way and I would be a great study for some psychologist some day.
Oh and once last kicker for y'all- there was not one pic of myself or my husband on the walls in the whole house. Not one. My sister systematically removed them from the house. There is just one recent pic of my son. I would say my sister is in about 75% of them and then random cousins with their kids. Yes, my family in messed up. I can't make this up.
iris lilies
8-23-14, 2:45pm
OP, sounds like you have your act together, and you'll come out just fine on all of this. It's just as well that you live 2000 miles away, eh? :)
Sad Eyed Lady
8-23-14, 2:53pm
If you do want to pursue a legal avenue, I would start by calling the county attorney in the town your Dad lives in. If there is a will, he can advise you who to contact if not him, and see what comes of that. Otherwise I would think being far away from those people that have caused the problem is a definite bonus!
Ok..one more rant. :) The reason for me being so far away and gone all the time is I was military who then married military. They hold that against me. You don't even know how often I invited them to come visit us. We moved every 18-21 months for the past 16 years of my life. Talk about a slap in the face!!!
And yes, I prefer to be this far away. There is a reason why when hubby retired we stayed in Texas.
I am so sorry, not just for greenmama and awakendsoul, but for anyone who has to go through people losing sight of family when dealing with things.
I really like the way my mom's family handled grandma's estate. All 10 kids each took one thing and everything else was put in the auction. If someone wanted something they bid on it including the house. All the sale procedes were then divided equally. In my dad's family there was a little more friction and his sister ended up with most everything. He wasn't bothered by that but there has never been a great relationship between him and his brothers/sister.
I am also very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes it's mind-boggling, how greed pops up in families. I have not had that, luckily. In fact, as I've posted here before, I consider it a great blessing that when my mother died, her worldly belongings fit into one bag for Goodwill, and one cardboard box of memorabilia and personal effects. There was nothing for me and my brothers to fight over, and I hope we wouldn't have.
As it is, my MIL left DH and BIL a paid-for house, which is a burden in its own way because it's jointly owned by DH/BIL, but BIL lives in it. It kind of handcuffs us in another way because BIL can't afford to buy us out, and we would never kick him out. It's amazing how a blessing can wind up being a curse.
GreenMama, it seems that you have gained insight in the course of this bad experience, so at least you have that.
Do what I am doing and get rid of most things in the way that you choose through decluttering/gifting etc, have a clear will with joint power of attorney for finances/personal care and then enjoy peace of mind (I hope) for both yourself and the family tension. The parents create the situations and the siblings have to live with the sad consequences which makes for a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings.
awakenedsoul
8-23-14, 8:07pm
I am so sorry, not just for greenmama and awakendsoul, but for anyone who has to go through people losing sight of family when dealing with things.
I really like the way my mom's family handled grandma's estate. All 10 kids each took one thing and everything else was put in the auction. If someone wanted something they bid on it including the house. All the sale procedes were then divided equally. In my dad's family there was a little more friction and his sister ended up with most everything. He wasn't bothered by that but there has never been a great relationship between him and his brothers/sister.
They did that with antique furniture from a ranch that was owned by my dad's side of the family, and it worked very well.
It's the secrecy that's upsetting, especially when you live far away and have to travel quite a distance. I just would never do that, if the situation were reversed. I diapered, fed, bathed, and walked these boys to school. I never expected it.
GreenMama,
My SIL has been that way with photos, too. Since she had her kids, she's got like 50 photos of them in my parents' main living area. Now she wants to do a family portrait. There are no photos of me in that main room. But, my mom is cray about her grandchildren, and I don't worry about it. It seems like part of the elder abuse, though. The influence...
She also has my brother tell them things like, "You said you would pay for the grandkids private school," when they didn't. I hear it after the fact, and it's really disturbing. My brother used to be very good with money. Now they are totally overextended.
Your family history was interesting. It's weird to see the patterns in these situations.
What is weird to me is who the heck are these people who claim to be my siblings? I guess true colors are showing.
Over the years, I had to clean out several family houses and could not believe what people would fight over or just hoard so no one else would get it. My grandparents had things since the depression but a lot of it was either ruined from not being taken care of or just broken. My dad's brother and SIL came one night, without notice and took things like broken lamps, all the crucifixes and religious items and some dirty old linens.
Now my Aunt did it the right way. When her husband passed, she lived on her own for the rest of her life. She moved from a large home to a condo in the city, selling everything but 2 large paintings and taking only her clothes, jewelry and 3 pieces on antique furniture with her. She had a massive yard sale and used the proceeds to buy her new stuff for her condo. Her kids were furious when she sold everything but it was after the fact, as she never told them. She didn't want them fighting with each other over the antiques and what nots that she had. She specifically wrote who got what in her will for what was left and worth anything and the stuff she recently furnished her condo with is going to a donation center. She is a spit fire and I love it!!!
After seeing multiple pics of trips to NYC, Boston, Yankee Stadium and all over, with my sister and bro in law in every one of them, I got the idea that the are using them. As I said, they will have to live with themselves.
iris lilies
8-24-14, 12:12am
...Over the years, I had to clean out several family houses and could not believe what people would fight over or just hoard so no one else would get it. My grandparents had things since the depression but a lot of it was either ruined from not being taken care of or just broken. My dad's brother and SIL came one night, without notice and took things like broken lamps, all the crucifixes and religious items and some dirty old linens...
That sound like DH's grandmother's stuff. She was very poor, didn't have much of anything, but the relatives descended and took all of the cheap geegaws. No one wanted her old, blackened kitchen table.
So DH took it home and stripped it, and it's beautiful oak, the kind with super heavy legs and it weighs a ton. It's our breakfast room table.
gimmethesimplelife
8-24-14, 1:23am
GreenMama, interesting in your original post you should mention Massachusetts. I had a relative pass on in MA back in 1987 and I could not begin to believe the greed of the relatives involved....very ugly. I was so put off by it that I have not crossed the Mississipi River since then - other than once for a trip to Georgia. What's interesting too is I have so tuned out that part of the country that back in December 2012, I had a friend offer me R/T tickets anywhere I wanted to go to on SW Airlines for free as his free tickets with their Rapid Rewards program were about to expire and he wanted someone to use them. It didn't even occur to me to think of the NE - didn't even cross my mind. I am grateful that provided that my mother precedes me in death, I won't have to deal with anyone in regards to her stuff - it's just me as far as next of kin. I'm still amazed at what I witnessed back in 1987 after this death, and I wish I'd never flied out there to see it. I've never spoken to any of these relative again, either - they let me know where I stand with them and better I learned sooner than later. But it's so ugly to deal with. Rob
Just to present a different viewpoint. While we are still having issues with one relative, when Dad died he left 20 gold maple leaf coins. The four beneficiaries sat around a table and divided them up. Then when there were some silver coins found, my brother divided them into four boxes. Sealed the boxes and had someone else decide on who got each box. I thought that was very considerate and simple.
That one act (of many at this time) showed me that deep down my brother was raised right and has a good heart. He has his blind spots but we all do. Dad would be proud.
When I left for the military, I left about 3 bins of stuff at my mom's. At the time, she had given us a few small items and because I went from a new duty station, school and 9 month deployment, I told her I would come pick it up post deployment. Those bins disappeared and as much as I hate to talk about people who have passed, my mom was part of the conspiracy. She and my sister acted dumb as to where my stuff was. So this goes back many, many years.
I realized early on in life my family thought they could hold something over you by dangling money or things in front of you. I have no desire for such a relationship that comes with conditions.
My husband's family is in MASS and we are good with them. I just don't like the long flights and being exhausted all the time when we travel, especially with a small child. I will never live up that way again, ever. Just being up there, I cannot afford it, I do not like the cold and I would miss too many things about Texas that I so love. :)
awakenedsoul
8-24-14, 10:22am
It's good that you've found the right place for yourself. I'm finding that I get a lot more exhausted when I travel to visit family, too.
sweetana, I enjoyed your story. It's nice to hear that there are families where things are dealt with in a fair manner. I believe all of that stuff comes back...karma.
Rob, Sorry to hear that there was so much greed in your family's situation. It can be shocking.
It's made me very glad that I paid off a very small house, have but well made furniture, and that I am building my retirement savings for the future. I think the main reason my family members have acted this way is that they were banking on that inheritance to pay for their very expensive homes.
As my brother in law said to my son, "All these antiques and my collections are my retirement." WOW!!! Good luck with that.
ApatheticNoMore
8-24-14, 11:27am
I think the main reason my family members have acted this way is that they were banking on that inheritance to pay for their very expensive homes.
yea probably, they don't know how to take care of themselves no matter what (a very small amount of starter money can help with that :)). No inheritance, well it would have been nice, I can take care of myself. Never able to retire because the stock market crashes and and you have no inheritance, and they eliminate Social Security? Fight it. But one also knows one can work as long as one can be hired. Unemployed? It's very difficult but unemployment doesn't usually last forever .... (granted that fear can be very real if one is say over 50). Siblings seem to get everything (true in my family), yea that's just how they are psychologically, only SQUEAKY wheels ever get any grease, it's messed up but ... some people's personalities are just fixed and can't change (it's not that it's not enraging, it's just that it's not changeable). Can't afford an expensive house? It would be nice, there are other acceptable means of shelter (and I don't mean a cardboard box :)). It's not that one must be happy about it, it's just by a certain point you've rehearsed all worst case scenarios anyway!!! :) And so one doesn't pick a fight with siblings just to save the expensive house etc..
ToomuchStuff
8-24-14, 11:33am
I don't agree that splitting things is always the way to do it, but I have seen several different circumstances, which may make one understand.
The family that all the kids went out and made good and would send their mom (dad died the day after retiring), money, except for one who did misc jobs, to raise his kid, while staying close to help out his mom. (the family decided most of the money and stuff should go to him, for the years of taking care of her)
A couple of families, where due to violent members, they were disowned and left out.
One where while the family members would talk, they had grown so far apart due to religion, that they had their estate auctioned (the auctioneer stepped in and asked if anyone objected to him giving the family, the family photo's, and several people said if he didn't, they would bid on them to give them to the family so their was no problem. No one objected)
One, where everything was auctioned to pay for settling the estate. The father tried to kill the kid, and their was still a standing restraining order, when the county called the kid and told him he was responsible as the next of kin.
I agree with the comment about surprise being a bad thing. That surprise, coupled with feelings of having ones stuff, makes them still be around, seem to go hand in hand. Dealing with mortality a head of time, I think lessen's the blow while making sure everyone knew the intentions.
Families are so funny this way. My mom's family consisted of 8'kids. The youngest took care of my grandma for the last decade of her life. She was diabetic and blind so my uncle lived in her basement with his wife and 2 kids and did everything to take care of her. None of my other aunts and uncles lived close by. After she died my mom and three of her siblings gave my uncle their 1/8 of grandma's house, figuring that he deserved it after caring for their mom for so long. The other three insisted that he buy their shares, so he had to take out a loan for 3/8 of the value of the house. I didn't hear this story until 20 years later. Mom asked me to guess which ones and I was able to immediately tell her which of my uncles and aunts did this. It was the three that we rarely ever saw. The other four and my mother were all very close. I have no idea whether the division existed prior to grandma's death but it certainly existed after and lasted through the deaths of all of them.
Thankfully my sister and I aren't that way. I don't expect any issues to arise when dad passes. He recently decided to stop driving and gifted me his car (a 13 year old honda with only 19k miles on it). Sister and I agreed that we would just adjust our inheritances (we're the only beneficiaries in his will) once he passes away to account for the value of the car. I can't imagine expecting to do it any way differently.
Your father should Call the police. There is no way that is okay.
I am very sorry for your father and for you. This is beyond shocking and it definitely sounds like elder abuse.
My father was a lawyer, so he knew what all can happen with wills. In his will, he instructed his 3 kids to draw straws to pick things from his home, and then once we'd each picked, we kept the same order for picking the next things and so on. It was a really good idea, but greedy sister and brother didn't speak to each other for 2 years over a set of silverware.
A friend's mother died and the father, still living in the home, was considered "snooping" when he went into parts of the home. He was only in his early 70's and will live there a long time. They also took all the mother's money--she was in a culture that doesn't usually do wills.
I think the best we can all do is do everything we can think of to work with the fact that death brings out the worst and most competitive and oldest gripes in some relatives.
Wow such a sad story.
When our son and (now) daughter in law decided to get engaged, he asked us for a family stone for the engagement ring. We had a few to choose from (DH is an only child). What he chose for the engagement ring turned out to be NOT a diamond - of course, after he had committed to buying a setting which was only worth store credit. Long, long and not happy story was that he came home (Minneapolis) for Christmas and we went to a local jeweler with another stone which they put into his setting (cost $30!!!) and it all ended well.
We have the non-diamond. They have a lovely diamond set in a sweet setting. And one less thing out of our house.
When my dad died - followed by my mom one year later - I only felt relief as far as "stuff" went. And I think we were all in the same place as far as the memories we held close to the heart were the most important inheritance we would carry on.
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