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View Full Version : Thought I'd be set free, but I'm miserable now........



CathyA
9-10-14, 10:12am
Maybe this will pass in a few days.
I earlier posted about taking 4 bags of my kids' clothes to the local Caring Center. I sort of got rid of stuff with reckless abandon yesterday. My kids are now mid-late 20's and I've had these boxes in a closet for years and years and I was tired of them taking up so much space.

Well, when I first got home yesterday after taking the stuff, I was fine. But as the day went on, I started thinking about a couple of the items that I probably shouldn't have gotten rid of (just little things like 2 of DS's shirts and a sundress of DD's that she probably only wore a couple times.

This morning, I was obsessed. I've tried and tried to talk myself out of feeling a tremendous sense of loss, but it wasn't working. So I drove back to the Caring Center and everything had been put away/moved. I walked through the place, looking, but I couldn't see any of it. They are really stacked to the gills with stuff........in and out of boxes.

Well, I drove home sobbing. How stupid is that???!!! I still feel awful.

This HAS to be more than just giving up a few of my children's clothes. Everything is "human" to me. I grew up in a fairly un-loving home, and I think I gave life to inanimate objects very early in life, just to have someone/something to love.

I'm trying to learn from this experience. I just can't feel this way every time I have to give something away. I'm not sure how to approach it. Yes, I still have my children. Yes, I have alot of their things in pictures. So why am I feeling panicked about having "lost" a few things? There are so many worse things in life!! And this happens almost every time I donate anything. It's like my brain starts trying to think of something to feel loss over.

It doesn't help me to think of some other child wearing this stuff. I know it should, but it doesn't help. I fear this is much deeper than I can even understand. Sometimes, it gets really old being CathyA!

Mary B.
9-10-14, 10:30am
CathyA, this sounds so difficult. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I'm trying to think of something wise to say, but it seems I have nothing of the sort. I know for myself sometimes changes feel like new beginnings, and sometimes they feel like losses, and that feeling can apply to the same change in different moments.

pinkytoe
9-10-14, 11:34am
A few years back, I had a garage sale trying to get rid of all the deceased relatives things I had acquired. I don't even recall what many of them were save for a quilt my mother had loved that I let go for $50.
To this day, I feel a pang of regret and I don't even know why since I never liked it that much. Emotions are mysterious things but maybe you just aren't ready to "let go" as you'd like to be. Baby steps...

frugalone
9-10-14, 1:05pm
CathyA, big hugs!!!

First, congratulations on taking this step.
Second, emotions are emotions...it's not wrong to feel the way you do. I'm sorry you are hurting. It's not "stupid" to feel the way you do. "It is what it is," as my sister often says.

Please be kind to yourself.

Teacher Terry
9-10-14, 1:23pm
I would just experience the emotions because then hopefully you will be able to feel better. I think the more you donate the easier it will get. It gets to be more of a habit but takes about 3 months for a new habit to really stick. I think you are right that this is much more about your past then these particular things. Be kind to yourself.

catherine
9-10-14, 3:01pm
Well, I drove home sobbing. How stupid is that???!!! I still feel awful.

This HAS to be more than just giving up a few of my children's clothes. Everything is "human" to me. I grew up in a fairly un-loving home, and I think I gave life to inanimate objects very early in life, just to have someone/something to love.



I just want to tell you that I understand your feelings, because i have had the same experience giving up things. I also have a stronger-than-usual emotional reaction to getting rid of things. I remember when it was time to get rid of an old sofa we'd had for years. It was old and dirty, but it was next to our piano and my former dog used to put his chin on the arm of the sofa and listen to me playing the piano, and so when we got rid of it it really took my "heart" (as opposed to my head) a while to get over that loss.. I felt a lot of anxiety over that small change in my everyday life. It's a strange feeling--the anxiety that comes from that kind of loss. When I was a kid, at Christmas, I cried over every tree that came into our house and then onto the curb.

So don't feel stupid! My childhood also was compromised in the love department in some ways (Love was there, but alcohol kind of messed with the transmission.) Maybe there is a connection there.

I agree with the others--just trust that you will work through those feelings and allow yourself to take time to let it all go.

(I am really glad we got rid of that sofa, BTW)

danna
9-10-14, 4:00pm
Hi there CathyA

Tears are not always a bad thing, I think it is sometimes a way to release the pain of loss.
Your childhood, your children growing up are all losses of one kind or another....maybe it is just your way of
grieving these things.
We don't just grieve the death of people we grieve for a lots of things, and changes in our lives.
These are my thoughts not a professional's...............

Alan
9-10-14, 4:15pm
I wouldn't feel bad about your feelings. Those items you donated were a slice of your children's life and I'd be willing to bet each item takes you back to a cherished memory. I know that things are just things, but I'm not in favor of eliminating special things and memories from my life (says the guy with a local newspaper dated September 1st, 1978 to commemorate the day my daughter was born, along with several large boxes of memorabilia associated with her).

CathyA
9-10-14, 5:01pm
I really appreciate everyone's replies! I just have real problems sorting out the importance of things, because I love them all (all the pieces of clothing). I was trying to be practical........but I should have put the clothes into bags, and just kept them by the door for a couple days. I made the decisions, then ran them off to the Caring Center. I guess I was afraid I'd lose my resolve.............which I sort of did!

One thing that was funny, was that I take pics of all the clothes/toys I give away (to remember, but also for tax purposes....(even though the tax deductions are miniscule). I was looking at them today, and realized that there were many things I've given away that were precious to me........and I probably would still have every single thing, if I hadn't tried to be reasonable about what all I keep. As I was looking at each picture of clothing I had donated in the past, I found myself whispering "Ohhhh.....I loved that!", over and over, with each item. But I had forgotten about them..........so hopefully I'll forget about this most recent pain of separation, and look at pictures in the future and just enjoy the memory.

Danna........you are absolute right. There seem to be losses of all types all the time. I am an older parent.........I'm almost 65 and my children are 25 and 27. I guess I'm really sensing the passage of time and maybe I focus that feeling on material things and try to stop time.

catherine.........We're very much alike in regards to having stronger-than-usual reactions to getting rid of things. I'm dreading trading in my car! It's getting old and decrepit. But it has been with us for so long, and we have enjoyed it so much..........
When I was young, if something broke, I would keep it in pieces in my dresser. I didn't want it to get lonely if I threw it out!

DH is worse than I am about keeping things (so I guess we're double trouble!). For years and years we had his grandmother's couch on one end of our living room. It wasn't comfortable at all. I tried to ignore it for so many years. haha Then.....when the cat started using it for a scratching post, I told DH it just had to go.

Life marches on, whether we like it or not. And I DON'T like it! ;)

Well......I have to confess that our Caring Center has another little thrift shop, besides it's free-to-the-needy shop. Some of the clothes might have been moved there. So...........I will check that place out, and yes, I might buy a few things back gladly.
I would like to just work through this.........but heck, if I can get one of DS's little shirts back, I'll do it in a second. :) (Then a few years from now I'll struggle to get rid of it again). If I only had a few mementos, it would be different........but I have tons of things.

My house definitely doesn't look like a hoarder's house. But I consider myself a mild hoarder, in that getting rid of things is one of the hardest things I have to do. But I really do try to do it.

Thanks again everyone. Your words have been very comforting.

Sad Eyed Lady
9-10-14, 5:21pm
I think if you do find a few things that you donated and can get them back it will help you feel better, and still have gotten most of the stuff out of the house as was your original intention. I have posted here about my struggle giving up my faithful old Toyota Echo after all these years, (it was a 2000), and getting a new Prius C. Although I like and enjoy the new car, last night I said to DH "I miss Sally" (that was her name BTW). And I do miss that car, terribly. But, I like the new one, and I know that "Sally" has a good home and will be lovely cared for and better taken care of mechanically than I could have done.

Also, I see we are near the same age; I will be turning 63 in October. I don't remember being this way at all when I was younger. I was the proponent for "Change is good" and still believe that to a degree. I could move with abandon - throw everything in boxes and hit the road. Move to a different apartment, a different state, change jobs - whatever and I was fine. Now, I am sentimental over most things.

pony mom
9-10-14, 9:36pm
Why not visit the place you donated the clothes once a week or so; if the things are there, buy them back. If you never find them, there's nothing you can do about it and at least you tried.

I always believe that things happen for a reason. If you get them back, then you're meant to keep them. I'll bet that if you found them, once you looked at them in the store, you'd probably sigh and put them back.

I too put emotions onto inanimate objects. They are just "things", but how do they feel when they're discarded? Lately I've had to throw out a few things (favorite shoes, old riding helmet) that I had trouble parting with; I had my mom get rid of it and not tell me when. So much easier.

Tammy
9-10-14, 11:52pm
The sense that inanimate objects have feelings, emotional attachment to objects, and the naming of inanimate objects .... These are various signs of anxiety disorders, specifically OCD.

Whether that knowledge helps with coping, I'm not sure. If it's part of a larger cluster of symptoms, an SSRI might help.

Gardenarian
9-13-14, 3:11pm
There's this great quote:
"Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life Missing is just part of moving on."

I think this applies to things, too.

I'm making some hard decision in clearing out stuff, so I'm taking photos of some things. I hope it helps me avoid regrets.

CathyA
9-13-14, 5:19pm
Having pictures has helped me alot Gardenarian. It's a good compromise, and doesn't take up nearly as much space........(unless, of course, you have tons of shoe boxes with pictures in them like me.). haha

Songbird
9-14-14, 8:26pm
CathyA, I had so much trouble going through and getting rid of my 3 adult kids stuff when we downsized to move here into our little cabin. It was beyond hard, but I kept only the most special things and it all had to fit in one small crate container. I managed to do it after speaking with my kids and realizing there was very little that they actually wanted me to keep... They had already taken their most cherished items when they moved out and so all the rest was up to me to decide what mattered most. It boiled down to a few sentimental items from their births, a couple dolls, some photos, some elementary school artwork, and a couple very special tiny dresses. It wasn't easy, that's for sure, but I don't feel any regrets now. My load is so much lighter in this little place. Only the important stuff is here...