View Full Version : thought dd was smarter than this
DH was running errands this morning and pulled up behind a familiar car at a stoplight. It was dd but she did not see him. He was going to tap the horn to say hi but observed that she was smoking a cigarette and just held back. This has come as an absolute shock to both of us. I guess we never really know what our grown children are up to but this is just so out of character that it is hard to grasp. This is a young woman who normally displays a lot of common sense and fortitude. Makes me start wondering about who she really is. How would you process this? I wish he had not seen her at all.
iris lilies
9-18-14, 10:31am
DH was running errands this morning and pulled up behind a familiar car at a stoplight. It was dd but she did not see him. He was going to tap the horn to say hi but observed that she was smoking a cigarette and just held back. This has come as an absolute shock to both of us. I guess we never really know what our grown children are up to but this is just so out of character that it is hard to grasp. This is a young woman who normally displays a lot of common sense and fortitude. Makes me start wondering about who she really is. How would you process this? I wish he had not seen her at all.
Ugh, so sorry you as dad and mom had to learn this. You are still right that in many respects she's got common sense and fortitude, just not in this one case.
Oh gosh, that's tough.
I would probably bring it up and say that I know it's an adult decision but we'd just like to know if it is something you are trying out or something you are committed to doing. We'd also like to know how long you've been smoking and how you hid it from us all this time.
It is something I tried a little in high school and then I started observing adults I knew. Those that smoked looked older and had dull hair and skin and rougher voices. It just wasn't something I was willing to do to myself so quit about half-way through the only pack I ever bought.
Do you support this daughter financially at all? If so, I'd probably reduce support equal to what she is spending. I can't remember how old your daughter is, sorry.
ToomuchStuff
9-18-14, 10:39am
How old is she? Is she on your insurance? If she isn't a minor, since she is doing the risks, she should be the one paying for it and you should let her make her own mistakes (can't stop that). You want to get the point across, if she is still being covered by you, ask her for her cancer stick ignition source, so you can burn the check you were going to send for the insurance.
Life is a learning experience and you learn some from bad as well as good.
catherine
9-18-14, 10:40am
Yeah, all of my kids have dabbled in smoking, unfortunately, and they all did their darndest to keep it from me. Because my mother died of emphysema, and I spent my childhood putting anti-smoking literature in her Pall Mall drawer, they know where I stand on smoking.
DS#1 smoked as a teen but quit several years ago. DS#2 is the "reluctant smoker" who toggles between getting a nicotine fix from his cigs and his Nicorette. (He always stocks up on Nicorette before I visit). DD smoked American Spirit at one time but she's smoke-free now. And DS#3--I was surprised not too long ago to learn that he occasionally smokes with his friends. His GF smokes, so that's an unfortunate influence on him. Given he's my worry wart child, I'm really surprised he's picked it up at all.
It is totally weird to see your own children smoking, especially if you never knew that they did, or if they do a great job hiding it. I hate it with a passion, but what can do when they're adults?
I am the mom of 2 1/2 smokers. I don't think my son does but I know he has. Both girls were raised on super healthy and vegetarian food, have asthma, and started smoking at 15. It was a long process to accept this, I even went back to smoking for a year or so in the middle when everything in life was so stressful and it is very powerful on the brain. I made my peace by seeing that they all have anxiety issues and the chemicals in cigarettes are not good but do affect those things. And being grateful now and then that it is not a drug use issue, although I am sure there is some of that they did keep hidden from me.
The things that get people and keep people smoking don't make sense to the rest of us all. There is something that is part of this you will probably not ever know and she may not know either. It still is shocking to find out the kids are really at times different than we see them,
ApatheticNoMore
9-18-14, 11:02am
Life is a learning experience and you learn some from bad as well as good.
if it doesn't kill you. Of course some things are relatively harmless that way, but with smoking it pretty much always does kill you (prematurely I mean), it just takes awhile.
catherine
9-18-14, 11:07am
if it doesn't kill you. Of course some things are relatively harmless that way, but with smoking it pretty much always does kill you (prematurely I mean), it just takes awhile.
I agree. There are some learning experiences I'd much rather not have my children learn the hard way. Anything that creates a physical dependence and sucks you in spite of your best intentions is one of those. Cigarettes is the prime example of that. Even alcohol consumption is more voluntary for most people. But nicotine addiction is a whole different animal. Once it has you in its grip, it's a powerful force to be reckoned with.
Well...at 31, dd is very much a self-supporting adult and has been since 18 so this is entirely her decision to make. I can't judge because I smoked off and on from 14 to 45. Apparently addictive behavior runs in my family since both of my parents were never able to kick the habit and died early because of it. I can normally tell just by looking if a person drinks or smokes; I noticed that dd just doesn't look as healthy as she used to but I chalked it off to working too much. I am one who very much respects any individual's privacy so this is one I will just have to ignore and hope that she comes to her senses sooner rather than later. Anguish...
The thing that concerns me in this is that you no longer see your daughter as smart, you don't feel as if you know who she really is, and that you wish your husband had not seen her.
Would you rather hang onto your rosy notion of who your daughter should be, or would you like to get to know her as the person she really is? If she smokes, that's not her defining characteristic. She's a person who smokes, not a smoker who is automatically devalued as a person and whose intelligence is automatically downgraded.
My adult daughter smokes. I would like her to stop, because of the health risks - but she knows all about those and smokes because her partner and peer group are all smokers, because she likes the taste, and because of the ritualistic actions associated with smoking. I love and admire my daughter. In fact, I would like and respect her even if she were somebody else's daughter! She's intelligent, funny, has made a good job for herself (self-employed), very capable, clear-sighted, and supportive of her friends. There comes a time when parents have to step away and look at their adult children simply as adults, as other people - and here I'd stress both "other" and "people". In short, the umbilical cord has to be cut...
Why not take this as an opportunity to start getting to know your daughter?
E-cigarettes would seem to be the answer for people who are intent on self-medicating. You can adjust the nicotine--to zero, if you like--and they have many fewer chemicals, no super-heated smoke, tar, etc. I've never tried them, but they strike me as a giant step forward. If they don't blow up in your face, that is.
catherine
9-18-14, 11:36am
Would you rather hang onto your rosy notion of who your daughter should be, or would you like to get to know her as the person she really is? If she smokes, that's not her defining characteristic. She's a person who smokes, not a smoker who is automatically devalued as a person and whose intelligence is automatically downgraded.
...
Why not take this as an opportunity to start getting to know your daughter?
Gee, I didn't take the OPs post as indicating that her DD has fallen off some kind of glass pedestal at all!! I'm sure she is 100% in tune with all of her daughter's fine qualities. Speaking for myself, it's just a surprise to see a different aspect of a person and experience it as a disconnect for a short period of time. Doesn't mean I think one iota less of my children in any way and it definitely does not devalue them as people.
ApatheticNoMore
9-18-14, 11:44am
Oh I silently roll my eyes when coworkers at work are still obsessed with their college aged kids getting good grades and lining everything up career wise etc. (it's not like an occasional worry, it's nearly a daily monitoring their kids with some even though their kids are doing ok). It seems like the cord should have been cut.
But the anguish from seeing someone you love smoke, is just watching someone you love self-destruct (if it was shooting up heroine it wouldn't be different just that tends to kill a person quicker). But there is usually very little one can do (with any substance unless the person wants to change), what I do do when I must is harden my heart (years of drug addiction and now cig addiction have made it what I must do with some).
t's just a surprise to see a different aspect of a person and experience it as a disconnect for a short period of time.
I think this is the reality of the situation. It is just uncharacteristic of what I have known about her.
I will clarify my personal belief however that smoking is a stupid choice, whether it is my daughter or anyone else. It does not lessen her value to me - I am just concerned.
Also wondering why she feels the need to not be open about it since she is about most other things.
I felt equally upset when her fiancee bought a big mean motorcycle...knowing she would be riding it...I just try not to think about it.
I think this is the reality of the situation. It is just uncharacteristic of what I have known about her.
I will clarify my personal belief however that smoking is a stupid choice, whether it is my daughter or anyone else. It does not lessen her value to me - I am just concerned.
Also wondering why she feels the need to not be open about it since she is about most other things.
...
My guess is she doesn't welcome your input. (For the record, I quit smoking 35 years ago.)
awakenedsoul
9-18-14, 5:27pm
pinkytoe,
When I saw the title of this thread, I thought your daughter had gotten into some sort of trouble. Once I read the OP, I thought, "Oh, she's just smoking..." To me, it's not a big deal, but I'm not a parent. Most of the men I've dated have been smokers, and they were really talented, intelligent, exciting people. We all deal with stress differently.
I understand your disappointment. I can see why she didn't tell you, since you think it's a stupid choice. It sounds like you get along really well, otherwise. I've tried to give up coffee 20 times, unsuccessfully. So, I see this as a vice, and I have my own. I think it could be much worse. She sounds like a great person...
Given her age, I wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't say anything to any other adult smoking. Since you're her mother, I think it's even more important not to, too loaded plus if she's doing it at all to differentiate herself from you. If she ever brings it up, I wouldn't tell her I already knew.
Gardenarian
9-20-14, 4:49pm
Oh, I'm so sorry. Quitting smoking was so incredibly difficult for me; I really hate to see young people starting.
Maybe it was just a fluke? Can you talk about it with her? Maybe she's seeing someone who smokes...
I think the e-cigarettes (vapes) seem like a better choice. I still miss smoking, 25 years after quitting.
Once my girls turned 16, I backed off to the advice if requested stage, most of the time anyway. They watched their dad smoke and disliked it.
I am trying to figure out what the real concern is for you and I believe that it is seeing another hidden side that others may see that disappoints rather than smoking per se.
Your child is an adult that lives on their own let them make their own choices without all the judgement.
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