Friendship etc.

[frugalone]

I was just reading Margene's thread about aloneness, relationships, etc. and some things struck a chord with me.

As some of you may know, I work a "second shift" in a library, which makes it very hard for me to have activities outside of work. I'm in grad school (yes, I did quit, but went back after four days, long story), married, have pets and have a low level of energy. Often I feel lonely and wish I could go to lunch or for coffee with a friend.

However, I think I like the IDEA better than the reality. Some of you may remember that I was in a book group for nearly 20 years. We get together about once a year now, or I might have a very rare lunch with a member. One of the members (who I have literally not seen in YEARS) has suddenly decided to invite all of us over to her house this weekend. I started out feeling enthusiastic about it, but now I'm like, "Meh. I don't wanna go." Maybe it was the email that said "if you don't mind my messy house, nosy kids or cat hair." I live in a messy house, I don't like kids or cats. So I'm thinking of opting out.

At this point in my life (age 50), I wonder what place friends really play. I did enjoy a conversation with someone from my master's program this afternoon; it really put me in a good mood. But some friendships, I may have outgrown. My spouse is my best friend. I'm also close to my sister tho we mostly communicate online.

Does this make sense?

[Simplemind]

My husband had predominately "work friends" until he had his stroke and lost the ability to work. Those friends dried up pretty quickly. He understood why but I think it still hurt. So here we are two years later and I am his best and pretty much only friend. That is a lot of eggs to put in one basket. Granted, you are working outside of the house so you are still able to bring something fresh to your relationship with your husband. Jump to when you retire and it is just the two of you, jump to something happening to him. I think you see where I am going here.
You don't have to have friendships that demand a lot of your energy. It is nice to touch base with people outside of the work environment so they know you have a pulse. Better yet, so you show you care that they have one. I have met a lot of great people through volunteer work and we are brought together by a shared activity that we enjoy. I would go to this group meeting because it doesn't sound like they get together that often. You can always leave early but I'm betting that once you get out the door and participate you will enjoy yourself. Low energy can often be another name for depression. I've been there and it often took me a lot to get out of the house but once I did I was always happy that I had put myself out there. Give hubby a break and widen your circle. ((hugs))

[SteveinMN]

I think it makes sense. Life is not constant; our circumstances and our needs change. The same applies to our friends. A friendship which may have been great for both parties for years may change to the point at which there's no common interest anymore.

I'm not the kind of person who has many close friends. I'm perfectly OK with that. I don't have to be everyone's friend. I feel fine drawing the boundaries in which I interact with people -- aware at the same time that friendship sometimes demands time and energy that I don't want to spend (but do).

Consider a wider circle of friends at different levels. There are people I keep up with periodically on Facebook and Linkedin; I'm somewhat connected with their lives and can ask them how work is going or if they have a recent picture of their cat/dog. Who knows when/if those relationships may blossom some day? They don't all have to be talk-every-day or lunch-every-month friends.

[jp1]

I would agree with Steve. I've got a few really close friends who have been close friends for decades, none of whom live in the city we now live in. I've got an assortment of not as close friends who do live in this city, but that's entirely because SO is more outgoing than I am and has actively sought them out. I enjoy the time we spend with them and we enjoy many of the same activities but I never seek out any of them outside of activities with SO and them all together and SO handles all the arrangements. And then I've got an assortment of facebook friends that I keep in contact with that way and maybe a visit if they (or I) travel to the city that they (or I) live in. These are mostly friends from high school and college. I enjoy keeping up with them in this casual way but if we lived in the same city we'd probably not be any closer than we currently are.

I'm an introvert with an extrovert style job. (that I love and am good at.) I'm also making frequent trips to my hometown to deal with my father who is in hospice care. Between those two aspects of my current life I don't have a lot of energy to dedicate to an active social life. For my current life situation the perfect sunday only involves me, my cat, a good book to sit on our deck and read, and SO making a nice dinner on the grill. Other people aren't required for that perfect day. The level of closeness I have with my friends from each category is about the right amount for me. Every once in a while I have to reign in SO when he starts making too many plans. Or I just gracefully decline and he goes off by himself with our friends to do stuff.

[larknm]

DH and I together don't have friends we see, just ones I write to, though we did before (25 years ago). I miss it a lot. He doesn't.

[Tussiemussies]

I don't have many friends right now due to some disabilities I have. I would like to have two very close friends, I am an introvert also and can spend some time with people and then need a break.

Frugal one, I think you are looking at who you are and just weeding out what is really right for you ...

[Songbird]

I have a few, very good old friends, that I've kept in contact with for years, but rarely see due to distance. I'm ok with that though as I'm an introvert and very content to spend most of my time with my DH - he has always been my best friend. We know when to give each other space too. We're both retired now and our day is structured so we have both quality time together and quality time apart. I enjoy my quiet time reading, gardening, cooking, etc. He has his hobbies too that take up his time. We socialize some with our new neighbors, so that has been fun, although I wouldn't call them good friends, at least not yet. We spend a lot of time with our adult kids and grandkids too. At the age I am now having a close friend to do things with just isn't as important as it was when I was much younger... Most days I'm very content to hang out with DH, our dog and our 2 cats. :)

[TxZen]

At 40, I am enjoying the few close friends I have, which if I am honest, is less than 3 or 4. I spent the weekend with some friends from my military days and then at a b-day party for my son's classmate. The mom was a little over anxious to be my best friend. I came exhausted and frustrated from both. I enjoy being with hubby and my son and our dogs. I like being home or even when I go out, being by myself. I took myself out to lunch, read a book and enjoy a ride through the country. I used to be quite the social butterfly but would find myself exhausted after such an outing. I now realize I am an introvert who does not mind being alone. I am also an introvert with an extrovert job, so I get enough stimulation from just working and enjoy coming home to just my family.

[Tenngal]

how many of you make a committment to a social engagement and then start dreading it just before? This happens to me more than I would like. The more people in your life, the more drama comes with them. We have a manager who invites us to her home several times a year and we all dread going. Strange thing about it is that we have a good time once there. Guess we feel pressured to go.

[kib]

Friendship is one of those things that always trips me up. I get too close, then I back away. I imagine that I've hurt the other person terribly and feel very guilty about it and then wind up avoiding them even more. I'm never entirely sure if this 'terrible pain' is just my own ego talking. So .... I feel vaguely ashamed for not having close friends, like I ought to have them and it's all my fault, when in reality I'm perfectly happy just puttering around in my own life. I'm trying to be a bit more constant but restrained with the people in my life now, but that uneasiness stays with me ... oh, I turned down so and so's last two invitations, it's obviously my move now, I like her ... I don't feel like getting together ... I should ... I don't want to ...

[SteveinMN]

how many of you make a committment to a social engagement and then start dreading it just before?
Been there, done that. Still doing it, in fact. Not always -- when my comfort level is higher with the people with whom we're socializing, it's much less prevalent.

Fortunately for me, DW is an introvert as well. So for most events we establish a minimum expectation of how long we're going to stay and a signal we can give each other that's something on the order of, "I'm dyin' here -- can we leave?"

[Karma]

Why not go? Sounds like you can use some social interaction and if it doesn't work out you can mark the group off your list. Last time I got to where I was being a loner and didn't think I needed friends it turned out that I was depressed. I don't do well on meds but sought after some alternative therapy that really helped.

i also found people that I was more well suited to at a meditation group. I did ditch my book club though. :)

[pony mom]

You may not want to go to this event, but I'm sure you'd enjoy it if you did. Even so, it's only a few hours of your time. And maybe you'll make a connection with one person that will turn into friendship. Many times I'm in the same situation and have a nice time. Sometimes, I know right off the bat that I don't want to go and don't.

I have one friend that I see and do things with occasionally. It helps that we enjoy the same things, but there are things she likes that I don't, and vice versa. This is where I become a bit selfish with my time, because I only want to do things I like. See, selfish. Most of my free time I spend with my horse, which is my absolute favorite thing to do. There are things I can go out and do on my own (movies, plays, etc) so I'm not missing out on anything because I have no one to do them with.

Guess I'm a bit of a loner and value my free time.

[Teacher Terry]

Larkmn: that post sounded a bit sad. Is there something you can do to develop some couple friendships?

[iris lilies]

We have such a wide circle of acquaintances in our neighborhood that friendships develop within it. I think of it as being kinda like the group dating that kids do now (and truth be told, always HAVE done) so there is no real pressure for people to become our close friends. We see them often in the big group, and then if we "click" we do things together.

Yet, that old bugaboo time as well as laziness and ennui has kept me from entertaining. I've met 2 people over he past 6 months that I've wanted to socialize with and there's another person who I've not invted places. Really, when I retire, I will have more parties.

[Spartana]

I have various separate large groups of people I know and do things with on a weekly bases (mainly play a specific sport with or do a specific activity with different groups of people). Some I only see for the activity and that's it. Some have evolved into friendships outside of our activity and we get together to socialize and do other things. I also keep in contact with some old friends from high school or work but only a couple are really close friends I get together with all the time (again, mainly because we have a shared activity) but the rest aren't close friends any longer and we see each other rarely - a few times a year. I would say my sister is bestie and current BF comes in a close second as I've know him as a friend for a long time now and we would remain good friends if we quit seeing each other . I'm also an introvert and needs lots of time alone. Since I'm retired and live alone and travel alone I get tons of that.