Going From Socially Apathetic to Socially Agorophobic?????

[SiouzQ.]

I know I have posted about this in the past, but I really am wondering about myself, yet again. On one hand, if I don't think about it too hard, I am pretty happy just doing my thing, going to work, going to the gym, and working on my side business making jewelry. But that is all I do....really. I rarely, if ever go out anymore and do anything else, let alone with other people. I try to get myself to an open mic at least once every two weeks, and in my head I make future plans to go out and see my friends play but by the time the particular evening rolls around, I just don't want or like to leave the house anymore. I can easily blame it on my work schedule, but I think it is more than that. It's almost turning into an avoidance thing, even though I feel like I am missing out on some fun things going on out there. I used to thrive on going out when I smoked and drank a lot and played music. I am most definitely out of that "latent teenage phase" that happened in my forties. It is just so easy to talk myself out of making the effort to do things. And I NEVER make plans with anyone (I think it is so I don't have to be accountable to someone). And I never invite anyone over either.

If I look at myself from outside of myself, I think I am pretty weird, but also very independent...which most of the time is fine. I like who I am now. I do have two close friends (a male friend and a female friend, both married, but not to each other. I don't get to see either of them very often because of their respective family obligations). I have many casual aquaintances from the music scene, and I get along with people at work for the most part, but I am very cut off from any sort of real intimacy with other people. I haven't been in an intimate relationship with anyone in many years either. I know I have a lot of walls built up from stuff from my past ~ a failed marriage and having a kid who had several years of harrowing addictions (BTW, she is doing great right now, working part-time and in school). There is a part of me that is emotionally kind of dead; I know it intellectually but don't know how to change it, or if I even want to change it. I think I still have some mild form of PTSD, though it gotten better since my daughter has been on a straight and sober path. Recently, a lot of memories from my long ago marriage are coming up, which is weird considering I have been divorced for 21 years (but I had to co-parent all those years with my mentally-ill ex-husband). I have been through a lot in the last 25 years, and have come out stronger for it, but at the rate I am going, I worry that I am going to end up being a crazy cat lady or something! I already talk to myself, a lot...

I just can't figure out why I continually cut myself off from a lot of life that is going on out there. I feel like I can't blame it ALL on working at Wholefoods and its crazy schedule, though it is a great excuse to get out of things....

[SteveinMN]

Toward the end of my corporate career, I was very hesitant to get together with anyone. Making plans (a commitment) was tough as some days (ok, most days) I just wanted to get home and sit on the couch recovering from the day. Which left the weekends for chores and family stuff. Going out? I wasn't much interested, though DW pushed joint commitments and I almost always enjoyed myself at those more than I thought I would. I did dread the thought of attending social engagements and, being a guy, getting the expected, "So how's work going?" question (to which I replied, "It sucks. Any other questions" -- on the inside.) Capital-I Introversion didn't help. So I totally get where you are now, SiouzQ.

Maybe it helps to think of this as a stage in your life. Yeah, you do work odd hours, and that has an impact on being able to commit yourself to fixed appointments. You do have a side job which takes some time (but which you enjoy and which brings income). You mentioned here long ago that when you chose to cut down on smoking and drinking, it likely would have an impact on your going to the club so often as it was not so supportive an environment. So maybe this is just what life is like right now. It does have its pluses at the moment.

On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to get screened for depression -- even if it's one of those quizzes on a trusted medical Web site. Reliving the deep past, avoiding people, and no longer enjoying what you do or doing what you enjoy are warning signs. Better to know...

[shadowmoss]

You both described my life right now. Work is at least temporarily better, but I have no social life because of the hours I work. I'm ok with that. I chose nights/weekends because it got me away from the politics at work (work when the bosses aren't there). I figure about the time I get comfortable with this, something major will change again, so I'm not worrying about it. I'm taking this time to get some loose ends tied up as in going through all the stuff that has been packed away for so many years, going through my clothes since I am now a decade older than when I bought most of them and a lot don't quite fit in the same way, and other things like that. I am also having the flashbacks of things all the way back to my childhood that I wish I could have handled differently and that can be unsettling. I'm just trying to go with it, but I find myself just stopping in my tracks and taking deep breaths sometimes when a situation from long ago jumps into my train of thought.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Maybe find something social you can commit to and go regularly. Odd hours shouldn't prevent it since there always seem lots of meetup etc. groups for people who don't work the standard hours. Of course inconsistent hours will, if the hours are completely different every week, then committing to something regularly becomes impossible obviously. And if work exhausts one entirely then work days are probably not good. Maybe your just not into your old forms of socializing: seeing musical acts etc.?

So you could go to your group or groups, for example say there are a group of people who meet regularly to walk on saturday morning so long as it's social - and of course it doesn't have to be morning groups :), and you do that, groups you have committed to, not just an occasional thing but a very regular commitment, and then the rest of the time whatever, you can see the friends you really like seeing when they have time, introvert, work on your craft business, and chores, maybe date or maybe not that's personal, etc..

Obviously it's no use for an introvert to commit to a half dozen groups a week or something so they have no alone time when their brains are wired to need it, it's about balance. And of course noone has to stick with a group of people they don't like or anything, ideally it jells. It's just if its a spontaneous choice to do something or not that day, then spontaneously if might be very likely to be not - for an introvert. Especially after a long hard week is finally over - yea we'd all do more if we worked less, but back to reality. So that's why I suggest commitment, not willpower, commitment. Maybe a group of guitar players that meet regularly or something would work - choosing a group all depends on what one likes. And the point isn't EVEN to make friends though it has a decent chance of happening, or to find mr right - prob better luck on dating sites. It's an end in itself. I tend to think being part of social groups isn't a relationship that is emphasized in this society especially if one isn't a regular church goer etc. - romantic relationships obviously are emphasized, and families, and friendship is to a much lesser degree. But I think it can meet deep human needs when it works well - I don't think it always does. Obviously if the group strikes deeper chords in one it might more so, like artistic groups if one has any artistic inclinations, or volunteer or groups working for social change if one is motivated in that direction

I'm writing this on a Saturday night, clearly have nothing better to do either :~)

disclaimer: by social groups I mean like most meetup groups etc.. I don't mean: consider joining a cult. I will not be held responsible for anyone here joining a cult :~)

[SiouzQ.]

Sunday morning thoughts after another cozy night alone watching The Walking Dead ~ it's hard for me to sort out what part of this is my natural introverted self and what part is possibly something else. Where I work (Wholefoods deli counter) requires so much positive upbeat energy, all day long there (which I can do, and really well, I must add) that by the time I get home I really want to have no part of being around people. Or it's the effort required to go out that gets me stuck - I gotta clean up, get dressed in something better than a natty old T-shirt and jeans, get in the car, drive downtown, find a parking spot, etc etc. It's the details of it all that I get stuck on. Plus, by the time I get out of work (usually around 2 or 2:30pm) run errands and such, I get home finally and the thought of leaving the house again, even for an early-ish thing, is just not going to happen because it makes the day so long. And then I got to get up and do it all over again. Lately, instead of all morning shifts, they've been throwing in some mid-shifts as well (12-8pm), followed the next day with an opening shift, which means I get home and pretty much have to go to bed right away in order to get up at 5am.

@Shadowmoss - I also have thought about that idea that this is just how my life is at this juncture, and it doesn't have to be or won't be this way forever. Mid-fifties, entering the "change", being truly on my own (my house mate moved out two months ago and I haven't decided when I want to look for a new one). So I got the place to myself and that makes it so easy to retreat from everything. I think I like it a little too much for my own good though. In my mind I want to interact with others but the effort it takes is something that seems to be escaping me.

I don't feel like dating or trying to date either, at all. I really love my freedom right now. The last guy I dated really wanted more out of it than I did, so I had to end it. I haven't been that interested in any one else since then, as I feel like it is "me" time for the first time in my life. I just think I have a real problem with balance (I'm a Libra) and it always gets really skewed one way or another. Years ago I used to go out four of five nights a week to play music or hang at the bar because I had a work schedule that allowed me to do so and I could actually sort of still exist on four or five hours of sleep. Man, those days are so long ago that it seems like I was a completely different person. I can barely drink one beer before I want to go to sleep!

I kind of feel like I am just waiting for the rest of my life to begin, like I am in a holding pattern right now. I think I am kind of bored with my life here in Michigan and feel like I am ready for the next phase, which will probably involve moving to New Mexico. I am working on the steps needed to do that eventually, working on my art, making contacts out there, saving money, getting out of debt, and helping my mom. A big reason I feel like I need to stay here is that I am the only kid that still lives in town; my mom will be 83 in January and she has been needing more of my help. I have made a commitment in my mind to stay here and help take care of things as she needs. So who knows how long that will be though? In the meantime, I doubt I will quit Wholefoods. It's a stable job, I get good benefits and paid time off (by next June I will have accrued enough PTO to be able to take almost 4 week long road trip)!

But I do need to work on the here and now, I realize that. And it has to be one day at a time, as I never know how much precious energy I will have to spare. And IT IS ALL ABOUT ENERGY, REALLY. This next week is going to be pretty hard, as I work six days in a row, starting today at noon. I have next weekend off (I haven't had two days off in a row for over a month now). I have a jewelry trunk show next Sunday that I have to finish getting ready for. I think after that I will allow myself to take a little break from production and really, really try to make plans to get together with some of these long-lost people. JUST DO IT (not over do it though). Then I get to drive to St. Louis on New Years Day with my mom for my niece's wedding. So that is something to break up this routine I am in (though the thought of having to be sociable for four or five days straight is a little scary to me right now). I'm sure it will be fine though. I am one of those introverts that can act like an extrovert on command, for a little while anyway...

Thanks every one for reading and chiming in. I think sometimes I just need to get it all out of my own head, where I tend to ruminate on it just a little too much...

[awakenedsoul]

It sounds to me like you're doing fine. I'm a little younger than you are, and I also spend a lot of time alone. Your work schedule sounds busy, and you are very creative and artistic with your jewelry. If you were crying all the time, or in a very negative mental state, I'd be concerned. You sound very self directed and sensible. As we get older, most of us are more protective of our time. When I'm home I'm always busy. I work on my sight singing, practice my audition songs, clean, do laundry, knit, mend clothes, etc...Life is really different in your fifties. I think you're doing great!

I find that I really like to be with certain people one on one. I don't like groups. I never have. It's an introvert thing. I need to really have a connection with the person. Otherwise, I'd rather be home on my own, with my animals...

[Zoe Girl]

I get it, I spend a lot of time alone and the last few times I had a chance to do something social I didn't. In one case I was set to go and knew I was tired and then fell asleep for over 2 hours. That was very disappointing. I am going to try and get out today, having entire weekends where I don't talk to anyone except my son and my mom by phone get old. However I am still that exhausted from work on a regular basis which bothers me. And last week I lost it over an ongoing work stress. Just sat in my car and cried and realized how much a good hug can totally rebalance the system and calm you down, but I didn't really have access to that in any way. I have been listening to buddhist podcasts that seem to come back to the idea of 'co-regulation', how we can soothe each other by proximity. As an introvert and INFJ I get nervous because I can see how others calm down with me and I have a harder time finding people that are soothing to me or mutually good.

So I still think it is good to push a little to get out, I know I need to keep trying and not get too frustrated with the process. I had a very nice interaction at the mac repair shop yesterday, the bank teller I see a couple times a month is someone I chat with, and I am going to push myself out of the house for one of the meditation sessions in town today!!

[SiouzQ.]

Hear, hear Zoe Girl...have a good meditation today. I am about to leave to go to the zoo called Wholefoods on a Sunday, where I will have more human interactions on a superficial level than I care to count (but it makes the day at work go fast). Then I get home at 8:30 and have to do it all over again at 6am...at least it is quiet and peaceful for those first few hours on the opening shift.

[larknm]

It sounds to me like the degree of social stimulation you have at WF leaves you overstimulated and you're doing good for yourself to be quiet and still in response.

[bekkilyn]

It sounds pretty normal to me. It seems that all the hours spent at work around people are *more* than enough socializing for an introvert that unless we are looking for a specific relationship, or have some other social goal in mind, we don't need to try to force ourselves to "get out more" or feel guilty about wanting to be alone. Now a feeling of being lonely would be an entirely different matter, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here.