thank yous

[domestic goddess]

I need a bit of help here. I tend to be a bit blunt, and sometimes lacking a bit in social graces, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings in this situation. Here goes:
For those of you who don't know, I am a pediatric home care nurse. I take care of children who are chronically ill and technology dependent in their homes. Over the course of some time, you can become quite involved with and attached to the children in your care, and their families. I have taken care of a 5 year old boy off and on during the 5 years of his life. His parents have recently decided to place him in a long term care facility. Today, I received (as did all of us on his team) a text from the family, requesting our addresses so they can send holiday cards and a parting gift. I am uncomfortable with the gift giving thing in terms of this type of relationship. It is my job, and I get paid to do it. Would it be out of line or too blunt for me to respond as follows?
Dear parents,
I am happy to send you my address, and hope to hear occasionally how your son is doing. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. Having known your son and you, and other family members over the past several years has been a gift for me; no other gift is necessary, so please don't worry about that. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Nurse J-
Too stilted? Too formal? Too brief? Too cold? I won't have a lot of space in a text message, and I'm not very good at conveying appreciation and warmth in a few words. But I am also a believer in ending a relationship when it comes to its natural end. I realize that we have all been a big part of this family's life for several years, but now it is time for all of us to move on. I'm not one for just maintaining ties with the past, just because. Our families usually need some time to rebuild their lives without nurses and doctors, and I don't want to do anything to hamper this. I have to move on, too, and already have one new case.
So, any suggestions?

[Tammy]

What's your employers policy on gifts and sharing of your personal information?

[sweetana3]

I ditto Tammy's response, but please allow the family to do what makes them feel comfortable with the parting. A lot of emotion must be felt at such a time (and a lot of grieving) and if your employer allows it, consider allowing the family to make whatever gesture makes them feel a little better at this time. A heartfelt note about the priveledge you felt in caring for their child and any anecdotes you could provide would help them and be gracious. I would not be trying to change their gesture at this painful time.

[ctg492]

Ditto above responses.

[catherine]

I ditto Tammy's response, but please allow the family to do what makes them feel comfortable with the parting. A lot of emotion must be felt at such a time (and a lot of grieving) and if your employer allows it, consider allowing the family to make whatever gesture makes them feel a little better at this time. A heartfelt note about the priveledge you felt in caring for their child and any anecdotes you could provide would help them and be gracious. I would not be trying to change their gesture at this painful time.

+1

[cdttmm]

I ditto Tammy's response, but please allow the family to do what makes them feel comfortable with the parting. A lot of emotion must be felt at such a time (and a lot of grieving) and if your employer allows it, consider allowing the family to make whatever gesture makes them feel a little better at this time. A heartfelt note about the priveledge you felt in caring for their child and any anecdotes you could provide would help them and be gracious. I would not be trying to change their gesture at this painful time.

+1

[larknm]

I also feel like they should be allowed to do what they need to. I think they are the neediest ones, compared to the helpers, and they are clearly saying what would help them with that.

[SteveinMN]

dg, let me present the situation from the other side: the care receivers.

My brother has a debilitating neuromuscular disease and needs assistance for just about everything. He lives with my 80-something-year-old mother and a fairly constant stream of PCAs and visiting nurses.

For the PCAs, it's an interesting gig. My brother needs a lot of physical assistance and cleanup. But he is not withdrawn or combative. There is some downtime during a shift if he naps or watches TV. My mom stocks the PCAs' favorite beverages, lets them cook whatever ethnic dishes they want, gives them a pass on some chores (like shoveling snow) that they could be asked to do, and so on. Most of the PCAs which come in new tend to stay until they have to leave because of family obligations, full-time jobs, etc. They seem to like the situation.

In the end, though, to a PCA, my brother is a client. To my brother and my mother, though, the PCA is almost a member of the extended family. Over the months/years, they've gotten to know each other. The PCAs know my brother likes to watch baseball on TV. Or where he likes his sideburns to end. My mom knows that one of our PCAs is pursuing her dream of becoming a nurse. And that another likes historical dramatic shows. One of my brother's PCAs showed them a dance routine he and his brother published to YouTube. You get to know these people. And they are caring for my brother in a way that none of us can. They improve the quality of my brother's life -- and, by extension, my mother's life, since she does not have to worry about the physical aspects of my brother's care, but, instead, can concentrate on being present.

And, for that reason, it would no more occur to my mom to let Christmas go by without a token (chosen) gift than it would be to not say 'hello' when they walk in the door. Yes, maybe a gift is unnecessary to you. It should never be expected. But it is a way the client and his/her family can show how much they appreciate the skills and care you bring to them. Please let them give.

[profnot]

OP - I am downsizing and will retire soon. I hate it when people give me stuff. So I sympathize with you: you must have your reasons.

But gifting isn't about me - it's about the givers who want to make a gesture. I thank people then give the things to charity unless I can eat it.

ps: I wish more people would give things that get eaten or used up (like soap), rather than get dusted. You've got sympathy from me about that, too.

[awakenedsoul]

I think your message sounds nice. I also understand your need to move on in your life. Personally, I don't like giving out my address to clients. They tell everyone in the community where I live, and then people drive by my house. I like my privacy. I would ask them to contact you through the office. I would probably accept a gift, and donate it to charity.

[razz]

Since this may be a common "problem", I would ask about the office policy at work re privacy for staff. It is all about emotion and they may be offering the gift as their approach to parting ways in a loving and appreciative manner.
When DH was so ill, I did feel that the caregivers were part of the family as well. It may be their job but they went beyond the job description in thoughtfulness.

[domestic goddess]

Thank you all! Lots to think about here. Our company policy allows small gifts, but nothing of a large dollar amount. This family has given me some tea in the past, so they do given consumables, so I'm hoping it will be something like that, or a photo of the child. As far as privacy for the staff, I have never found that to be a problem. I have (rarely) given my address or phone number to a client, but only after I have been there for awhile and feel confident that they won't spread it around all over. A lot of staff are more liberal in that area than I am, so I can wait to see if their privacy is respected. Anyway, there is much food for thought here, especially the post from a care receiver's perspective.

[jp1]

Maybe if you just tweak the no gift part of the letter to say that you've really enjoyed the teas they have given you in the past and wouldn't expect anything more. That way you're politely trying to deflect another gift, but at the same time steering them to a similar gift in this case if they decide that they really do need to give you something more.

Beyond that I tend to agree with Steve's perspective from teh other side of the relationship. Watching my father's decline and recent death I have been truly amazed at a few of his caregivers these past 6 months. I'm able to step back and realize that they're just doing their jobs (extremely well in some cases), but like he pointed out, the work they do is so important to their clients that I can totally understand the desire to give them a gift.

And when you think about it, people commonly give holiday gifts to service people (mailmen, doorman, teachers, etc). Your situation is a more intimate service relationship which makes a gift potentially awkward from your perspective, but also makes the desire to give the gift that much more sincere from the client's family perspective.

[creaker]

It's really a judgement call - by reflex I've always been "no, you don't need to do that", thinking I didn't need the gesture. But I've learned to try to step back and see how much the giver needs the gesture. Accepting a gift or a gesture can be a bigger gift if it's really important to the giver. Allowing someone to back out of something they feel they might be an obligation is not a bad thing - but denying someone the opportunity to express thankfulness should be examined more closely.

My son (autism) did a lot of in-home stuff. I am so grateful for the exceptional people that came into his life, but we all do move on.

[Teacher Terry]

I agree with Steve. They need to end the relationship in their own way. When I quit working as a social worker with families they all gave me a gift on the last visit. I felt funny taking it but realized it was important to them.

[domestic goddess]

This is why I come here and ask questions. I have some pretty rigid boundaries, and I'm not comfortable when they are breached. But I realize that not everyone feels that way and, in fact, have different needs. As I get older, I find I am not as good at sorting all this stuff out as I need to be at times. I don't always give enough credence to the notion that people need to close out relationships in different ways. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll just wait to see what happens.

[gmpg54]

I'm going to pass along a some what amusing experience ...in hindsight as a PCA.
I took care of a Romanian man who had suffered a stroke for 2 plus years,he spoke/understood very little English,fortunately his companion/common-law wife was able to translate.They had no family whatsoever here or in Romania so eventually I became more of a problem solver,confidant etc.to her.
I started in their home in late October so when the 1st Christmas came around I was still new,she was a fairly decent cook,I'm not so I tried a few native dishes with some success,as I was leaving to celebrate the holiday with my family she gave me a tupperware container with a foreign sounding name to try at home.
Imagine my surprise when what it turned out to be was tomato aspic,which for the uninformed is tomato in a gelatin type,mold,it was AWFUL,I couldn't get it away quickly enough,though I reported that it was delicious,sparing her feelings...
Didn't get a chance to leave her home,I noticed her getting weaker and more jaundiced,she passed from liver cancer on June 3 of this year.
Accept their gift to you,do what you need to with whatever it is.

[Packy]

OP, I can see your point, 100%, I really do. And, I really see no harm in your short-but-sweet note. That being said, go ahead and send 'em your address, and let 'em send you a Gift, anyway. That way, there's no misunderstanding. Besides, you probably deserve a gift, anyway. Hope that helps you some.

[domestic goddess]

I did send them my address, and also said that I hoped to hear how things were going with the child. After all, I have their address, and I have no reason to worry about my safety from them. And they are nice people, though I don't feel a need to be friends. I'm not one of those people who takes a case, looking for friends, though I know some who are. I have enough to cope with at home. Anyway, I've done it so we shall see what happens. DSIL's niece is here with her cousin; apparently they come here to get ready to go out. Those two gals I do not understand. But, then again, it would never have occurred to me to live my life the way they do. Anyway, I guess all is going well. Or it would be if I just could get rid of this virus I have had since the beginning of the month.

[chrissieq]

I worked with a child with severe physical disabilities for 3 years in a school situation - including being his bus aide so saw the family each morning and afternoon. Because of the family circumstances, i would frequently take him into the home and lift him onto his bed when his mom was not able (due to pregnancy and her own physical limitations). I knew a lot about their other kids, their extended family and their lives in general. I felt blessed to be a part of all that. Over 10 years later, I still get a Christmas card from them. The whole experience was, to me, a gift as each annual card continues to be. I'm sure that every staff person that has worked with him receives the same card and a chance to see that one more year has passed and the boy - and his family - that we all came to love continues to survive and be surrounded by a family that loves him.

[domestic goddess]

I received a card and a gift card from the family today, along with a very nice note. Thus ends this episode, though I hope to hear how the child is doing, from time to time.