Saving stuff for grown kids?

[pinkytoe]

Every year when I put up our tabletop tree and get out the old ornaments from DD's childhood, I think about how I'd really like to get rid of most of this stuff. But then I think there are certain things like this that I should stick away in case she wants them "someday." I have asked before and yes, she wants it, but doesn't have time to go through it now nor does she have room to store. Mom, can you just store it for me she asks. Same with china cabinet contents. Mom can you put on the bottom of each piece what it is so someday I will know. Thinking about saving just a few things as I'm not certain she would even miss most of it. Suggestions? What would you do?

[iris lilies]

Every year when I put up our tabletop tree and get out the old ornaments from DD's childhood, I think about how I'd really like to get rid of most of this stuff. But then I think there are certain things like this that I should stick away in case she wants them "someday." I have asked before and yes, she wants it, but doesn't have time to go through it now nor does she have room to store. Mom, can you just store it for me she asks. Same with china cabinet contents. Mom can you put on the bottom of each piece what it is so someday I will know. Thinking about saving just a few things as I'm not certain she would even miss most of it. Suggestions? What would you do?

You are in the same town as your daughter, so I can't see the point of your storing things "for her" forever. Wait until after hear wedding which is likely consuming all of her attention. Then make a statement of deadline. Say: by this date, you need to come and get what you want. After that, I will dispose of it.

and the do that. If you do no normally define boundaries, she may not believe you. Here's where you reap what you sow.

As far as defining "what it is" I would, in order to save my own time, wait to see what she wants and then, that day write whatever provenance you know on a piece of masking tape and strip it to the bottom of the thing.

This isn't that big a deal, it's a project for an afternoon.

[mschrisgo2]

If it were me, as I put things away at the end of this holiday season, I would separate out the things I was ready to let go and put them in another box. If I truly didn't want them, I'd ask DD to take them home, decide what she wants to keep, and to please dispose of the rest. If there's something I would keep because I like it, even if I wouldn't display it anymore, I wouldn't put it in her box.

I think sometimes mothers keep things because they want the kids to want them, but the grown kids really don't. My mother has tons of stuff that none of us four want, and my sister has said the exact same thing about labeling things.

We had a tradition of adding one special DD ornament each year. My DD couldn't wait for me to unpack the Christmas stuff the first year she had her own home, she came and got it all out! When I got home from work, she had it sorted, her pile, my pile, and a pile of stuff we hadn't used for years that she dropped off at the homeless shelter on her way home. We shared cookies and hot chocolate and memories, and moved on in our own lives. That was a wonderful mother-daughter experience.

I guess what I'm really saying is, if she hasn't taken it, she really doesn't want it. Find a way to let her off the hook.

[sweetana3]

Reminds me of some friends who had several storage units stuffed full of misc furniture and odds and ends they were saving for their kids "who surely would want or need the items." Not a single one of their 5 kids every wanted any of it. Huge and costly mistake.

They even offered some of the furniture to us for Mom and we did not want it.

Be selective. Your daughter is not likely to want anything that is not tied to one of her own memories.

[ctg492]

If someone was offered something and they don't take it, they probably don't really want it.

[sweetana3]

This subject also reminds me of my Father. He owned a small farm in CA. Offered it to each of the 3 kids and NONE of us wanted the farm to live on. He was so disappointed. Just because he loved what he had did not make it valuable (except as a farm to sell) to any of us. We could not sell it fast enough after he died.

Now if it had been a house in SF or....... total other issue.

[pinkytoe]

It is funny when DD comes over, she always says "you need to get rid of the antiques" since they are very much out of style right now. I have no doubt that there is very little she would "treasure". I am going to go through the Christmas stuff and at the least, minimize it. I have to remind myself that I don't really get warm and fuzzy over lookiing at stuff from my childhood.

[kib]

I think you need to involve her in the whole process. Sorting and storing is a PITA and a lot of work and it's not appropriate that another adult puts this entirely on you, Mama. I'd 1. cull some of the things you're pretty sure neither of you cares much about, then 2. after the wedding, ask her to spend a Saturday with you choosing and marking. When she realistically has to look at the content and amount and put in the elbow grease, she might be a lot more discerning about what she actually wants.

Evil alternative: box it all up and give it to her as a wedding present. :devil:

[Zoe Girl]

if she is saying she wants it but just tis too busy right now then i think it is fine to keep it for now. i have a few things i know my kids have said they want but they are just starting out and couldn't take these things anytime soon. if it goes on for too long then i agree with involving her.

i am on both sides of this one, my parents gave me stuff like furniture since i was the least practical, financially well off person in general. So i kept these tables forever, really didn't work for my space but my mom kept on saying how nice they were. it was sad that i got rid of them after we had an argument, we did clear the air, but it took a heated argument to break through the gunk of it all. my mom was so afraid i would be my impractical self and just throw things away until i made my point that actually i had been keeping these things in good shape for 15-20 years. i simply wanted my own stuff. meanwhile i would rather my kids not take something than to take it and not really treat it well. i am sure i could find a good home for the furniture rather than burden someone

[lessisbest]

When our two adult children left home they took a box of their Christmas decorations with them. A lot of "grandma art" - tree ornaments my mother made for them each year for Christmas (she was fond of beaded crafts and crafting in general), things they made in school, and their own "fine arts".

I find the things the next generation are interested in are those things that include a memory. My grandmother's cut glass crystal cream and sugar bowl were kept in storage and the kids have little use for such a thing now, no memory of my grandmother, therefore it's not something they are interested in having. I think one of my nieces will enjoy and prize it because she remembers my grandmother.

For my granddaughter's 18th birthday I gave her my grandmother's engagement ring, wedding picture, and history of my grandparents. This helped her to relate the ring to real people.

We are in the middle of down-sizing and it's time to get serious about what everyone wants (and please take it NOW ;-), otherwise we'll do something else with it.

[razz]

I offered my kids whatever they wanted of DH's tools on a certain day. When they left, disposal of everything else was my decision alone and they stressed that.
Set a deadline, follow through and then do what you wish. We all need boundaries to have clear communication.

[Teacher Terry]

My kids left stuff forever until I got tough. Most they did not want. I would say that if she does not take stuff after the wedding is over then get rid of it.

[Aqua Blue]

My mom used to say regarding gifts that they should be a token of you affection, not your whole affection. I think that applies to taking things from the home of your family of origin. A few carefully chosen things mean a lot, but the past is the past and really most of your things should be from the present of your choosing. If it were me, I would help my daughter identify the handful of things that really have memories for her, take those things, but help her see it is ok to not be burdened by a lot of stuff. Get rid of the rest and model for her that it is ok to let things go when they no longer are useful to you. JMHO

[Simplemind]

Well said Aqua Blue!!! I hope you don't mind if I quote you.

[Aqua Blue]

Not at all.