Its your %^&*(*& family coming over ...not mine

[boss mare]

So why in the $%^& I am saddled with all of the %^&* food decesions and food prep, house cleaning, gift buying and wrapping while
you go out and visit with all of your friends . They are your family with all of the finicky food fetishes and right ring wacko politics .. I am not going to sit here and listen to all of their Happy Horse Poop about how the worlds is going to hell in a hand basket. I am not saddling up any of the horses and give "pony rides" and listen to people and their one time experience of riding a rental horse
on a dude ranch and the disaster that ensued .
I am sick and tired of repeatedly tell their spawn not to run up in behind the horses and running around hell bent for election in my house and breaking my stuff


I have enough to deal with my own family ... the main one who comes right out of central casting of Portlandia ( Is The Chicken Organic episode) and it is does not come from Whole Foods or Trader Joes she will not eat it or will she let her kids eat it
It is point I could just love to take a PB&J ( made from Wonder Bread with Smuckers Jam and Jif and eat with the horses and clean stalls with NPR on the radio !Splat!

[iris lilies]

No no no. non.

His family visits, he does mosta the work. My family, I do mosta the work. That's how we do it here.

But I have to say that it's good to have overnight guests here once yearly, it causes things to be cleaned that are never otherwise cleaned.

[sweetana3]

Take a long vacation over the holidays. Or just tell everyone you will be gone and turn off the phone.

No one can take advantage unless you allow them to do it.

[CathyA]

It's time to make some changes. I know you feel a great responsibility, but it sounds very one-sided. It's almost over.......hang in there......but make big changes for next year.
(And have a big talk with your SO.) It may be rough when you follow through, but hopefully it will make a big difference for you.

[rodeosweetheart]

Oh dear. Running up behind the horses? No, they would never be invited back. . .

[Teacher Terry]

I would have a different xmas next year & give everyone plenty of notice so they can adjust. For years I would host 25 people on xmas eve after working all day. I would invite anyone that was going to be alone, etc. Some times my kids were in town & sometimes not. Finally a few years ago I decided enough was enough. No one else was taking turns to help of my friends who could have & many were no longer even working. NOw if my kids are here I cook & if not we go out. Back then I also did a big thanksgiving too for all of these same people. I don't do that anymore either.

[Songbird]

Boss mare, it is definitely time for you to give up this Christmas tradition, especially since your spouse doesn't help out and it's his family. Let someone on his side of the family do it all next year or skip it all together. There's no reason you need to be taking this on. What is that saying "you teach people how to treat you". It is so true!

[Float On]

I think it's time for you to plan Christmas away next year.
I'm kind of in "trouble" with my DH because I didn't take off work while his family was here visiting for a few days. All the other times they visited I was the one to take time off and he worked....and it's his family!
I don't care, stood my ground and only made one big dinner. They were all on their own to figure out breakfasts and lunches.

[awakenedsoul]

I don't do family Christmases anymore, either. Too much drinking. I also don't get along with my sil. I send gifts and cards. I'll go back and visit my parents in another month or so.

Today a couple of neighbors stopped by. We talked for a while and exchanged gifts. (tins of homemade cookies.) Later on my plumber came over and we sat and talked for a couple of hours. Tomorrow we're going to drive to the mountains. It should be gorgeous. We'll have lunch. I'm really looking forward to it. He's a neat guy....

boss mare, Hope you do something you'll enjoy more next Christmas. The traditional family thing doesn't work for everybody.

[kimberlyf0]

At this point I try to think of the ILs are "our" family, but I do understand where you are coming from. I hope it went okay.

We always host; we're the only ones with a house and possibly even the means to provide the meal. But this year I was overwhelmed and decided I wasn't going to go all out (I did for Thanksgiving even though I tried to scale it back). I made chili last night, reheated it today, made a pan of cornbread and a cabbage salad, and called it good enough. I forgot to soak cashews to make vegan pumpkin pies so DH went to Costco and bought an apple pie. We had a bag of ripe avocados so DH bought some corn chips and made guacamole. I didn't even do the dishes today :) It feels really good; everyone had their fill of food even though I didn't make 15 different dishes. I think one person didn't love the chili, but she was polite about it.

My new way of hosting others is to make a soup or stew/chili or beans, and serve those with some sort of bread and a salad. Dessert can be fresh fruit or something store bought. People can eat or not; I've been to plenty of gatherings where there is almost nothing I can eat, and I survive every time. I'm going to stop worrying about catering to every food whim; if someone doesn't want to eat vegan food they don't have to come over. If they think soy is the devil they can skip the tempeh chili and eat the salad and bread. If they are gluten free they can skip the bread and at eat the chili. And no, I don't have honey for the tea. My house isn't a restaurant.

[Tammy]

"My house isn't a restaurant."

Love it.

[Seven]

My new way of hosting others is to make a soup or stew/chili or beans, and serve those with some sort of bread and a salad. Dessert can be fresh fruit or something store bought.

I like that.
When I visit someone, I don't want to bother them. I'd rather help making a simple meal, and then have some free time with a relaxed host.
Asking for a dozen different foods, and entertainment options, is plain rude. If anyone wants that, they should go to a hotel.

[sweetana3]

I would never think of asking someone to make me something special. Either I would bring something I could eat to add to the celebration, best. or I would just eat what I could.

[kimberlyf0]

Thanksgiving was rough, which is why I did an about face and decided to keep things simple. I had guests arrive three hours early and then ask for lunch(!) while I was in the middle of cooking the dinner feast. I had someone wander into the kitchen, see me with every burner going, and ask if I could make her tea. When I said not right now she got quite upset.

I realized that there is a dark side to being seen as the ultimate cook and hostess, and that is that people expect it and at that point gratitude and common courtesy sometimes fly out the window and people do start acting as though they are in a restaurant. And I see my part in it, always jumping to do and get what everyone asks for, and worrying that people won't like things and thus making too dishes. For Thanksgiving I made three soups (What if someone doesn't like spit pea? What if it seems too everyday and not special? What if people want something heartier than creamy potato-carrot soup?), three breads (my basic whole wheat, plus a gluten free cornbread because I had been told someone was gluten free but then of course they ate regular bread because it was a holiday, and an artisan style no sugar bread because I was told someone didn't want to eat sugar), three salads, and served two desserts. Plus I put out appetizers, etc. And believe it or not, that was scaled back and simplified because I did some of it the day before.

For Christmas I told DH that I wasn't doing it all. I asked repeatedly what he thought we should serve (his eventual suggestion was to make reservations, but he did pitch in and do his share once I came up with a simple menu). I told him that I need communication from him and to know if the simplicity I was planning wasn't going to meet his expectations for a holiday meal (in which case we could just keep the reservation). He was a prince, truly, rolling with it, supporting me, and doing what he could to help make it easier for me. He may not be the cook, but he does know that dishes must be done.

It was successful enough that I am not going back to how it was before. The house was clean enough. The food was simple, but delicious and we had enough. No one complained that there wasn't sparking juice or soft drinks. I had two gifts to wrap for that holiday gathering as the three other family members had received an experiential gift. For our immediate family it took under 10 minutes to fill stockings and wrap the total of five gifts. For the next gathering we are going to I wasn't sure what to bring for us to eat (not expecting others to accommodate us - I specifically tell them not to worry about it at all) and DH said we could bring a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread.

I have been caught up in these holiday expectations as a woman since I was a little girl; they were passed down to me as surely as I was taught to read and write. Finally I refuse to believe now that I am somehow less than simply because I don't want to meet Christmas exhausted and stressed. I didn't wrap gifts until 3AM, or wake up at 5AM to bake cinnamon rolls; I got 7 hours of sleep and am proud of myself for prioritizing it. I'm not spending hours in the kitchen. We ate off everyday dishes (no china or silver to wash before and after the meal) and the napkins weren't ironed. My idea of a place markers was a piece of masking tape on each cup with names written on so people would use the same one all day.

I will keep it this way from now on, and if anyone doesn't like it they can offer to host and cook!

[kib]

We're doing a potluck style dinner in an hour with two other couples who also have no family in the area. These are really my favorites; none of us are traditional or especially good cooks or with particularly large spaces, so there's really no pressure; we get together and play Cards Against Humanity or watch Christmas Story, and - the Christmas miracle - we all like each other.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Personally I think I'd be happy most of the time spending a day off entirely alone. Although I will see family. Because its' the downtime and time for reflection that are most sorely appreciated. I need time with likable company too sometimes, but it's so rarely one even gets time off.

[sweetana3]

We had a nice and simple time at friends. She also gave up making a fancy sit down dinner. There might have been 30 people in and out with family and friends. A ham, some sides and misc. things were fine and the desserts were brought by the company. We sat where ever we could and talked with whoever was around us. Paper plates and napkins also made cleanup simple.

[SteveinMN]

For Thanksgiving I made three soups (What if someone doesn't like spit pea? What if it seems too everyday and not special? What if people want something heartier than creamy potato-carrot soup?), three breads (my basic whole wheat, plus a gluten free cornbread because I had been told someone was gluten free but then of course they ate regular bread because it was a holiday, and an artisan style no sugar bread because I was told someone didn't want to eat sugar), three salads, and served two desserts. Plus I put out appetizers, etc.
I'm all for accommodating dinner guests (as long as I know their needs/preferences -- and I do ask). I've fed vegans, celiacs, people who won't eat shellfish, people who consider milk a spice, etc. As a cook, I actually find creating a menu around such "no's" a fun challenge.

I once made two kinds of barbecue sauce for a rib dinner I hosted to accommodate a couple of guests who could not eat vinegar or soy sauce and I made the ribs "dry" so guests could choose. Ribs without sauce ... well, I never. :) Beyond that, though, I try to be sensitive -- I would not serve ribs to DD's vegan BF (if it ever came to that). But I try to make foods well-balanced enough and sufficient in quantity that people can skip what they want to/must and still can find enough to eat. The idea of making three breads ... it would not have occurred to me. I'd have regular "gluten-laden" bread for most guests and (maybe) a non-gluten starchy side dish. Otherwise, well, the GF folks could eat more meat. Or vegetables. Or dessert.

Mind, I'm not scolding or judging what you did; I understand what drove it. But I think guests need to be considerate enough to understand that their minority preference in food is not something they should expect a host to fully accommodate. The considerate cook makes the effort; so do the guests.


It was successful enough that I am not going back to how it was before. The house was clean enough. The food was simple, but delicious and we had enough. No one complained that there wasn't sparking juice or soft drinks. [snip] I'm not spending hours in the kitchen. We ate off everyday dishes (no china or silver to wash before and after the meal) and the napkins weren't ironed. My idea of a place markers was a piece of masking tape on each cup with names written on so people would use the same one all day.

I will keep it this way from now on, and if anyone doesn't like it they can offer to host and cook!
Good for you! I like the way a friend of mine (another foodie) put it: "What's on the chairs [guests] is more important than what's on the table." I'm no longer into the "Can You Top This" mode of entertaining. If my guests don't like eating off the everyday dishes and if they don't like the dust they see on nether regions of the house, they're free to cook their own meals at home or invite us out to a restaurant.

[kimberlyf0]

I like the way a friend of mine (another foodie) put it: "What's on the chairs [guests] is more important than what's on the table." I'm no longer into the "Can You Top This" mode of entertaining. If my guests don't like eating off the everyday dishes and if they don't like the dust they see on nether regions of the house, they're free to cook their own meals at home or invite us out to a restaurant.

Yes! That is a lovely sentiment. My own simplicity journey has brought me to this same place -- no china, no silver, no crystal, house clean enough for our standards but not perfect (I long ago figured out that I would have to spend full time hours to keep perfect an old house lived in by boys and dogs, never mind DH and I). If someone wants to not like me because the windows aren't sparkling that is their loss. I'll keep inviting people over even though over the years the invitation to other people's home have decreased; people beg off saying they are too busy, etc. I suspect that it may be more that they can't live up to Martha Stewart's standards and don't realize that they don't have to. Plus people think their homes are too small; having grown up with parents who would host 30 people for Thanksgiving in a house just under 1000 square feet, I don't buy it, and happily invite people over to our 1700 square foot home which seem spacious to us (of course it gets tight with a crowd but we don't mind). However, what people see in magazines and on lifestyle programs is that we need to have huge homes with "great" rooms, outdoor hardscapes, etc. in order to entertain. It's sad. Because of course it should be about the guests in the chairs rather than the dishes on the table, the food on it, and the size of the home.

[Simplemind]

I do love to decorate my house for the season in the natural way with greenery etc. I have inherited the china, silver, crystal and love to use it from T-day through New Years. However, I no longer host the holiday. Things just got to crazy and with split families several were trying to drop in on more than one family event. So in the past couple of years I have spread it out and the first Saturday in December being a dinner for my family, second Saturday dinner for my husbands family, third Saturday for friends, fourth Saturday for two of our kids birthdays that are the two days before and after Christmas. It is manageable and the house isn't over crowded and we can concentrate on who is there (it oddly works out to eight people on each of the days. One dinner was very fancy and another was a frozen lasagna from Costco, salad and garlic bread. This way everybody can be free on Christmas day to do what they please. This year we got up late, had a nice breakfast (DS got up at 0-dark-30 and made sticky buns from scratch) took the dog for a 5 mile walk, went to a movie then came home and relaxed some more. Lovely restful day.

[Seven]

Thanksgiving was rough, which is why I did an about face and decided to keep things simple. I had guests arrive three hours early and then ask for lunch(!) while I was in the middle of cooking the dinner feast. I had someone wander into the kitchen, see me with every burner going, and ask if I could make her tea. When I said not right now she got quite upset.

Wow, that's weird. If my guests arrived three hourls early, I'd ask them to either help, or go for a walk, and recommend some museums and restaurants.

[awakenedsoul]

Christmas day the man I'm dating and I drove out to Inspiration Point. The hiking was incredible! There was snow on the mountains, but the trails were clear. I wore all of my hand knits that are usually too warm for LA. We took photos and talked a lot. It was such a beautiful day in nature...

Each of us had brought snacks for the hiking trail. We had plenty of water, fruit, nuts, and trail mix. Instead of eating out, I made some quesadillas for lunch. I had made the tortillas the day before. Simple and easy.

[kimberlyf0]

Wow, that's weird. If my guests arrived three hourls early, I'd ask them to either help, or go for a walk, and recommend some museums and restaurants.

It was complicated; my FIL had asked to stay over the night before to avoid holiday traffic, so he was already here. My BIL took the train so he was already here 4 hours early. When my MIL and SIL arrived 3 hours early (completely unexpected) I couldn't exactly ask them to leave. I had served an early lunch to DH, my boys, and BIL/FIL; it was already cleaned up and put away when the others arrived and I had moved on to making the main meal.

But this is how my ILs are so I just have to roll with it or make adjustments to simplify so that it doesn't happen. For Christmas we changed the time, which meant people were late but that was better than early. And I made sure I had a burner available at all times for tea making.

It sure helped me see how the simplicity that I have been striving for in my everyday life needs to be extended to holidays and other special occasions. When I simplify I reduce stress, and when I'm not stressed it is far easier to accept the eccentricities of family :)

[ejchase]

As others have said, you will continue to be "saddled" with it as long as you keep doing it.

I'll add my recommendation to the rest: when the dust has settled from this holiday season, sit down for an hour by yourself and write down what part of hosting others you enjoy and want to continue doing and what part you don't and don't want to do anymore. Then, as diplomatically as possible, let your SO and loved ones know about what you will and won't do next time. Without question, some people will be upset. If you want to create holidays you enjoy, you will have to let go of what other people think of you taking care of yourself. It may take several years of "practice" with setting boundaries before you really discover what makes you happiest during the holidays. That's okay.

I was thinking a lot this year of the kind of holiday I wanted to have with my family. I am in a blended family with teenagers and my one child, a three-year-old. We spend all of Christmas with my SO's family, which is challenging. I realized this year what I most wanted for my daughter was for her to remember me as having a good time during the holidays, so everything I did, I did with that in mind. So if I cooked or did things for others, I made sure it was something I enjoyed and knew I had chosen so that I couldn't get resentful. I also talked with my SO about what I needed from him and what worries I had about how we were dividing up duties with his family. In general, like others, I have insisted he handle gifts for his family, and I handle gifts for my family, and he's gotten used to that.

So far, this strategy has worked pretty well.

Good luck!