introvert/extrovert holidays

[Zoe Girl]

my parents are here, and my dad is a serious introvert, my mom more than makes up for it in extroversion. so far so good. she has been so good about meeting me where i am at more often. i like to craft a lot and she likes to shop a lot.

She has to talk when she does everything and is very much a product of her generation (she is 71). so lots of conversation about what we are going to eat, what time we are going to eat, what my kids like/am i planning to feed them. eek. 2 of my kids are on their own so i generally know but not in detail.

Mostly it is that i have been working on a lot of buddhist stuff (plus natural introversion) and i find that i don't have a lot of unnecessary talk, i think about dinner when i am in the kitchen or at the store, then i don't think about it most of the time. i want to switch gears and talk to my mom more in a way that meets some of her needs.

that is all

[Songbird]

Zoe Girl, sounds so much like my parents, whom are now long gone. I miss them. My Dad was always quiet, usually reading a book or the newspaper, and my Mom was always absorbed in the details of every meal. Food and food preparation almost seemed to be an obsession with her - so we talked about food a lot. It was always difficult to steer the conversation in a different direction. Sadly, we knew she was dying when she didn't care about it anymore....

[catherine]

Sometimes it's hard to hear chatter chatter chatter all the time, but when I get bombarded (my BIL is like that) I try to be grateful that I can give him an ear. He's alone, and we're his only family and he doesn't really even have any friends.

[mtnlaurel]

Here is a question I TRY to ask myself, "What is the kind & loving thing to do?"
emphasis on 'try' as I fall so short on this maxim constantly

If it really brings your mom happiness to talk about the casseroles, really what skin is it off your nose?
Frickin' talk about the casseroles.
Her love language may be food.

As someone that just spent the past week feeding 10 people, 3 meals a day -- it does take quite a bit of strategy to make it happen.

And invite her to participate in your love language too... she may not be able to meet you there, but at least you can have peace in knowing you left the door open for her.

[sweetana3]

My best friend is a talker. Talks about everything all the time. I have learned that it is a gift I can give her to listen and nod appropriately.

[kib]

It does depend, though. I have two talkers in my life. One is really trying to connect with her own love language, she just wants to have a conversation, but she's more comfortable with superficial topics, so we talk about the weather A Lot. The weather and casseroles. It's intellectual oatmeal but seems to be a place of common ground. The other couldn't care less whether anyone is participating - actually she does care, she rides right over anyone who dares open their mouth - and just blabs on and on and on (my Granny rant from a month ago). I find that constant demand for attention with no give and take absolutely exhausting, and eventually infuriating, this person dominates the "conversation" to the point where it's obvious no one else matters at all, we could all be a collection of floor lamps.

[Float On]

Zoe Girl, I found that it helps me not zone out when I'm around the older talkers in my life if I just ask them questions about the past. Talkers are usually very good at oral history. If my mom starts talking about food I ask her questions about favorite memories of meals with family when she was little. I always end up finding it interesting since she was one of 10 kids in a small 2 bedroom farm house.

[Zoe Girl]

my mom does really want to connect so i worked harder on being present for it from my side of it all. of course i fell short and now and then said something like 'dinner is in 8 hours, we will be fine' but i tried to do it in a way that said 'we have it all handled, you can relax' rather than 'dang you are irritating'. i had a menu on the fridge with the grocery list before they arrived and so she could go to the store easily. i even had 3 times we talked about cold pizza for lunch, and i offered roast beef sandwiches, and i didn't get bugged.

i did get obviously cranky about one thing, i have a small house and so the tree is upstairs and also my very cool ikea table. it goes from seating 4, usually 3 since it is against the wall, to pulled out and leaves pulled out to seat all 7 of us. i wanted all the gift unwrapping to happen downstairs and had even cleaned the carpets during the day for this, then we had a lot more room and if the dishes weren't done no problem. So i said that and my mom automatically answered 'well no, we are doing it upstairs'. it took about 3 interchanges to make it clear that we were doing gifts downstairs. i got a lot into the story in my head about how she does not do this at my siblings because they are married, have good incomes, well long before that it is just that i am 'different'. it probably just is that she automatically takes charge of anything she possibly can, when she and her sisters are together we (me, my siblings, my cousins) just stay out of the way, a lot. So after that we sat down to dinner and my kids pointed out the head of the table and had me sit there. i am not into those things, but after this thing with my mom it felt good to have someone point out that i got the head of the table. i think it is unconscious on my mom's part that she would never have me at the head of the table as a single woman, either the man or basically no one.

total side note, my dad and i related pretty well. He asked about my car and said when mine has had it then i could have the one they drove, a little SUV. i asked about the towing capacity in case i wanted to get a trailer and live out of that turns out he has actually looked at Airstream Bambi trailers! we had a nice talk, my mom would never live in one so he could visit me in mine.

[awakenedsoul]

I'm an introvert, too. I like one on one conversations and quiet time. I prefer to talk about deeper subjects and have intimate relationships. I have a neighbor who dominates conversations, and it's too bad. She's really nice...very passionate and enthusiastic. It's just that she interrupts and doesn't let anyone else get a word in edgewise. She steamrools...

I recently started dating a man who is more extroverted. When we have a conversation sometimes he'll ask me, "Why did you get so quiet?" I tell him, "I'm digesting what you said. I need to think before I speak." I think talking relaxes some people. I was much more chatty when I was younger. If I'm with someone where there's a strong connection, I usually talk a lot more and enjoy the interaction.

My grandma used to always talk about what we were having for lunch and dinner, too. I think it's generational.

[Zoe Girl]

I


My grandma used to always talk about what we were having for lunch and dinner, too. I think it's generational.

if you figure that there was no convenience food and often more people to feed then it really did take a lot of planning to get meals together. i used to be very much into that when my kids were younger and i cooked from scratch. i did more planning and posting menus than talking about it. sometimes talking bogs down into not making decisions and getting things done. However if you had to have beans picked and a chicken killed and plucked and people working together it makes sense. that is what i try to remind myself of.

[gimmethesimplelife]

I wonder if there isn't something to opposites attracting - the man I am seeing is much more extroverted than I am and he finds it fascinating that I can sit and be absorbed by a book or by private research for hours with no need for interaction during this time. He is definitely the more outgoing and chatty one of the two of us. I look at it this way - I know very few people but the few friends I have are real friends who have stood the test of time and I can go to them with almost anything. What I don't have is a lot of acquaintances - with him it's just the opposite, lots of people to chat with but very few with much depth, other than family. I am learning to respect his extroversion a bit - though I don't care for small talk unless I'm waiting tables and I've sensed that some pleasant small talk will bump up my tip - it has it's place in human interaction. He has said that he is awed by my ability to focus on one thing and see it to completion. My ability here has it's place too. Rob

[JaneV2.0]

I'm an introvert paired with an extrovert. Most of my exes were extroverts, as well. They say everyone marries their mother...:~)

[Teacher Terry]

My ex was an introvert & I am the opposite & it did not make for a good marriage but probably because he was too controlling. Also what he initially loved about me he grew to dislike. My hubby now is an extrovert like me & it has worked very well.

[rodeosweetheart]

My mom was a super introvert and my dad an extrovert. I am a super introvert and DH is a super extrovert. One of my sons is a super extrovert and he was constantly dragging people home and inviting people along with us. Another is very shy and introverted and one is kind of in the middle.
I think the most stress I felt with the family stuff was my son and his magnificent ability to attract people to him--he always had an entourage.
Funnily enough, his wife is very introverted.

[Zoe Girl]

my ex is super extroverted, all of our kids are on the introverted side. i can see how that was hard for him, he wanted to go out for 5 hours lets say and we were all done by 3 hours. Still i really tried compromises and the end of the marriage wasn't the intro/extro stuff.

i was thinking how i live such a super quiet life with my innie son right now, my mom coming in is really big change. one thing is that she brings SO much stuff! not just as holidays. and the stuff usually comes in the door before the people. then we have to look at it all and go through it all. i am thinking about asking her to leave the stuff in the car a few minutes unless it will be ruined, and then bring it in at a pace i can deal with.

[jp1]

I'm a moderate introvert and SO is a moderate extrovert. He seems to have much more of a need for a variety of friendships. Because of him we've developed a group of friends, all couples, that we get together with regularly for dinner, etc. It's nice and I like all of our friends. Sometimes, though, I decline to do things and send him off without me so I can have time alone. Currently he's planning a group trip to Chicago in April for his 50th birthday. I'm kind of dreading it but don't think I can get out of it.