View Full Version : how to you compare (or stop)
on my retreat i realized that i compare a lot, it is softer than judgment but still not great. i didn't talk to my closest friend because as soon as i got back my daughter came home to deal with alcohol issues and it has been a blur. Meanwhile my friend just appears to have a better life. little things like getting a loan and buying a car for her kids (who will pay also but she was able to get the loan to start it off) and saying that there was nothing under $7K, i bought my car cash for $5K at least 5 years ago. then she started talking about her son who is my son's age going to college. i just felt crappy, her kids have done terrible in school, took summer school and still did badly but her son still gets college somehow. so i find myself then trying to play the spiritual card in my head to feel better. Like how i meditate and i spend my extra money on retreat instead of a vacation or put aside for my kids. i am about to do another couple study courses with my local buddhist nun to facilitate our groups and get a deeper understanding of dharma. however it is apples and oranges, and i know that if i feel success based on comparing i will have times when i also feel crappy and on the down side of comparing.
Just thoughts on my mind,
It's hard to get out of our own head isn't it? Realize, you have control over this.
I can give an example. When I married my hubby, his brother was already successful- all the bells and whistles in life- big house, new luxury cars, perfect kids in perfect clothes, she had $1500 purses and they took vacations 2x a year. I was so depressed from it all but I realized I had the power in me to change that way of thinking.
Meditating and doing a grateful list is very helpful to me. I also had to define what "success" look like in my world. I am rather excited the path we are on- eventually moving to a small apartment and living with less. My SIL doesn't understand it and my BIL asked my hubby if we needed money. I thought it was funny. I don't put emphasis on material things as being a sign of success. I found too often, people either embellish their life stories or are living off credit they can't afford.
catherine
1-27-15, 10:40am
ZoeGirl, have you read Chogyam Trungpa's book Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism?
I love that book because it deals with some of what you are talking about: People striving for transcendent spiritual life, but then that striving becomes a source of ego-identification in itself, and a source of comparing yourself to others and feeling good about your place as a "spiritual person."
I think TxZen has it right on--gratitude. If you are grateful for what you have right now and can live truly in the moment, you're not going to have to compare yourself with others and put on spiritual bandaids to make yourself feel better. It's great that you are aware of this tendency in yourself--your feelings are not uncommon, to be sure.
ApatheticNoMore
1-27-15, 11:42am
If you'd rather spend your money on your kids do so, unless this is some long ago money spent decades ago, which noone can do anything about anyway, in which you case you can probably say your kids might have benefited indirectly from it anyway. :) Ha, but it's probably true.
We don't all have the same path in life anyway or start out from the same place anyway (yea, yea were we supposed to believe we do for some ideological reason or other? hmpf). Life is unfair in 1001 ways, and life is fair only in that, it's hard for everyone. :)
But but responsibility and choice ... yea those things can only exist in the now (or future I guess).
thank you all, I think a lot of the time I am not where I really want to be, I am definitely not proud of a lot of what I have done. I am struggling with work and I really have to own up to it, not make a lot of excuses, but still need it in perspective of the rest of the job I am doing. I struggle with wanting/needing outside verification that is not always reasonable. I just answered an email about issues, and I own up to my part. I almost never, well actually only once, get another person saying sorry or acknowledging a difficulty or something that was their part. The last couple times people have helped my families I have made sure I really thanked them and included my supervisor so the good will got passed around, and I think my supervisor does not read my monthly reports. sign,
I am actually pretty okay with spending money on the retreat. I think that my practice has made me a better parent, and the retreat was long overdue. My former boss seems pretty supportive of that work I do also.
The book sounds good, I gave 3 talks in a series focus on the differences between spiritual materialism and spiritual maturity. Practice is harder than reading! Last night I was tired and had only one deep thought but my meditation group went pretty good. No one was discussing so I had them do an exercise I do with kids about naming the sensations and emotions in their body as weather.
awakenedsoul
1-27-15, 7:16pm
I find that life is a lot happier for me if I don't compare. Many people don't understand why I take the bus or grow my own food, but I just do it. It makes life affordable for me. When I have enough money to save, I am much more relaxed and at peace.
It seems like when people compare, they become competitive. I see that a lot in families where I live. They all buy the same SUV, clothing, etc...
Although I don't do religion anymore, one of my fav verses from back in the day was "comparing ourselves among ourselves, we are not wise". Paul wrote that.
Yep- stop looking for validation because some people just don't want to give it, though you could be outstanding at what you do or anything your have accomplished. I try to gage how I feel and use that as my validation and also knowing where I need to work on things more and where I can sit back and enjoy the ride.
rodeosweetheart
1-27-15, 9:22pm
In counseling and 12 step programs, there is a great saying,
"Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside."
I do think that any time I am comparing my life or my kids' lives to those of friends or what I see in the media, I usually try to remember that saying, as I am probably doing just that!
thank you all, sat with this today and i realized the areas that i don't compare, have a lot of need for validation, etc. However it can be irritating at times. one is the way i eat, mostly veggie, real clean, no alcohol. i don't care what others think although when in a situation where i get teased a lot it gets irritating. i also don't have my body, i am terribly frustrated because it doesn't feel good with the weight i have gained, however i am not join to let that take over my life. so knowing that it gives me some leverage on the areas i still struggle. Just noticing this (and also answering concerns at work) has brought some ease.
on a side note i have life long brain chemistry that goes into depression, it is a constant thing,
goldensmom
1-28-15, 7:41am
In counseling and 12 step programs, there is a great saying,
"Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside."
I’ve never heard that but I’m going to remember it. We never know what is on someone else’s inside, we really don't know what’s on our own inside. I rarely compare myself with someone else or someone else’s circumstances. I’m satisfied with my ‘lot in life’ and when I do compare it is usually something like ‘I have a car, you have a car, mine is a used Caravan, yours is a brand new Bentley, both vehicles get us to where we are going’. I have a house, you have a house, my house is a 100+ farmhouse, your's is a new, million dollar house, we both have a roof over our heads. However, I have a dog, you don’t….I feel sorry for you. :)
ToomuchStuff
1-28-15, 12:03pm
On a different take, comparing oneself is a natural thing. If it wasn't advertisers couldn't take advantage of it, in trying to make us keep up with the Jones, or whatever is popular on TV this week. Once you realize that, then you start thinking about how advertisers hide things, and how people hide things (brag, yet you don't see their actual financials, etc). Then you start comparing yourself in a "are you happy" way, and that can benefit you (see what you need to change).
Where comparing yourself does no good, IMHE, is comparing yourself to what has been reflected at you as what your going to be. (families tend to do this) I still have issues here due to what family told me growing up. This sticks with you and you should not do it to your kids, as you pass on some stuff you don't realize.
Gardenarian
1-28-15, 12:23pm
In yoga they say "let go of all feelings of competition, even, competition within yourself."
That saying always makes me sort of sigh with relief inside. Like, this is not a race! You can't win yoga. And you can't win life.
But it sure takes a lot of repetition for the message to sink in! (for me.)
I find it helpful to look back at what I came from, at what my hopes were, and to see how far I have come. I often avoid the past as having too many unhappy memories, but I think the messed up teenager I was would be happy (amazed, actually!) to see the person I've become. (Except for those elastic-waist pants :)
Yep- stop looking for validation because some people just don't want to give it, though you could be outstanding at what you do or anything your have accomplished. I try to gauge how I feel and use that as my validation and also knowing where I need to work on things more and where I can sit back and enjoy the ride. I think the crux of the validation problem is that we're all looking for it, and it's common "wisdom" in a competitive world that to validate you invalidates me. It's not true, of course, but that's how people operate. So we're all looking at validation as if it's a finite commodity, which can cause a lot of disappointment among people hoping to be recognized, and a lot of anxiety among people clinging to their own sense of accomplishment. I've decided to make it a goal for 2015 to remember this and stop being a validation hoarder. :)
I just want to say I like this topic and have learned from all the posts.
hmm validation hoarder? I may need to use that. I know that some of this is new to me because I was okay in my small space and myself, then it became apparent and urgent that I look at how to earn more. That brings in a competition and a need for validation in terms of being able to be able to do the work that is important to me and to be/feel supported and sustained. A lot of this is being able to internalize and externalize enough to get things done. There is a fine line, I have spent enough time with narcissists that sometimes I am a little scared to be super confident and independent and just be totally wrong. So I want to pay attention to the feedback the world gives me, however there is a point to not worry so much about the outside and trust myself. Oh where is that line! So the outside validation of earnings and friendships and personal fulfillment can at least give some feedback on how effective you are in the world.
Does that make some sense.
So the outside validation of earnings and friendships and personal fulfillment can at least give some feedback on how effective you are in the world.
No ... it should, but it doesn't always. That's where we get so hurt and scared and sad, thinking that surely we've done well and hearing a great and empty silence. I mean it's also true that sometimes we haven't done as well as we thought, but I don't think you can count on "the world's" feedback as the ultimate truth about whether you are succeeding at life.
I've found it interesting to watch famous people try to "make it" all over again with a pseudonym. Very rarely does the same acclaim come to them. it must be very humbling to be a Garth Brooks or a Stephen King and be unable to sell a book or a song, but I think it shows how much of the feedback that propels external success is purely right-place-at-the-right-time luck.
dang kib, you caught the 'should' i watch for those in my thoughts and language (i almost said should again) as a signal that i have strict expectations of the world and that leads to not getting things to fit that expectation most of the time.
oh and the world's feed back is in a very practical way, maybe this is what you are talking about. i am looking very specifically for feedback that tells me if i am doing the job in a way that will most likely lead to a very bland type of success. this is not about if i feel like the best person in the world, it is more about having a list of tasks that have deadlines and standards when i think about the world feedback. Now hitting all the deadlines doesn't always make it, but am i at least doing my best on that so i am prepared to succeed. make sense?
Yup, you just have to remember to be pleased with yourself even if the world turns a deaf ear. BTW, congratulations on your two pounds! :cool:
catherine
1-29-15, 12:24pm
I've decided to make it a goal for 2015 to remember this and stop being a validation hoarder. :)
Great term! Yes, we're all subject to the need for validation, that's for sure. When I'm looking for validation, I try to invoke something I read in one of Deepak Chopra's books (I think it was The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success or something corny like that):
"Detach yourself from the results."
This isn't his idea by any means, but it's great wisdom. Believe it or not, it helps me a lot when I'm worried about what a client will think of my report, or whether I think a donation of time or money to a cause was worth it--that type of thing. I just tell myself, "Detach yourself from the results, catherine!" and I stop worrying about what people think, or whether or not the my efforts will be justified and rewarded or not.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.