View Full Version : idea of 'can't make it up'
i was thinking about this, and where it might go. it is rather work related but the overall feeling that comes up is in many areas of life. Basically that you make an error, a mistake, miss an opportunity and then there is no way you will every 'make it up', often for me that means there is also a life lesson of some type so i do need to remain aware of it but it gets into a bad place.
so i have issues that have gone on all year, they have involved really messed up systems and my own mistakes of course. But i also feel like there are no excuses anymore. i want to run away or shut down or just get really passive about what anyone says about my job (meaning accepting all criticism). So far i have not, i am just on the edge of being able to manage my feelings of not doing a good job at all. it is both mistakes i can honestly say i made and then things i felt i did not make a mistake about but pretty much everyone else is in agreement that i did it wrong.
i am going back to read pema chodron since she is so good at this, and just trying to name it,
iris lilies
2-6-15, 11:49am
I don't subscribe to a "make it up" philosophy, anyway. Mistakes are made, move on. I am a bit literal and as a result I interpret "make it up" as "when exactly the same situation occurs, I will act differently."
The reality of life is that exactly the same situation almost never occurs.
I find the idea "I will make it up to you" when someone treats you badly to be creepy. To me, that means they are not taking responsibility for making a mistake, they are looking for the world to give them another chance so that they don't have to take responsibility for that last mistake, they don't internalize their regret and own it.
i would like to be there, however i still have this area where i feel the sense of 'can't make it up', which could be because i have been working so hard to do a good job this year and make inroads for advancement
"You make amends when to do so would not injure you or others" (as they say in the 12 Steps), and then it becomes water under the bridge, or spilt milk or whatever metaphor you need to just let it go. You made a mistake. Oh, well. Someone doesn't like it? Oh, well. Let that be your mantra. Use it and move on.
At work, I say "I'm sorry" as little as possible. Mistakes come with the territory, and should be expected in the process of doing your job. If you make no mistakes, you're not working and should be fired.
Gardenarian
2-6-15, 12:22pm
You have permission to be human, Zoe Girl :)
We all make mistakes and have regrets, but holding on to them may keep you from moving forward. Try to learn what you can from them, then put it behind you. If you perceive them as "debts" you will be carrying them forever and you'll keep feeling like you can't get out of this hole.
Remember the First Rule of Holes: Stop digging.
iris lilies
2-6-15, 12:35pm
You have permission to be human, Zoe Girl :)
We all make mistakes and have regrets, but holding on to them may keep you from moving forward. Try to learn what you can from them, then put it behind you. If you perceive them as "debts" you will be carrying them forever and you'll keep feeling like you can't get out of this hole.
Remember the First Rule of Holes: Stop digging.
THIS is brilliant! Yes, the "make it up" philosophy DOES imply debts that need to be paid. Ugh. How can anyone crawl out from under that ever-growing kind of obligation?
Maybe that is what creeps me out about the "make it up" philosophy--I owe someone something. (Now, at times it is true that I feel an obligation for positive pay back. When someone has truly saved my ass from a big error or large issue, I am grateful and cut them slack in another encounter. ) But in the long run nope--I don't keep tabs.
Good discussion here.
Edited to add: It is also true that when I screw up big time (and sometimes that means 1 BIG error, or it might mean the same small error 2X in a row) I then am very careful about that specific situation to make sure there isn't a repeat of the error(s).
i think for me there is a sub-aspect that is very external. for example i was doing great as a long term sub, the principal came and saw me teach and gave good feedback, then i had an interview with a charter school, the video of teaching was super bad. i had a great summer camp, managed a LOT of serious issues with social services, special needs, and even police, missed the most important deadline of the summer. i pay all my bills and start rebuilding my credit and then don't open the health insurance envelopes and have a serious past due bill that is my fault. So now i wonder if i can get a teaching job, or advancement or have any improvement with my credit. i get a little fixed on that part, and most of the time i see that one last little thing is just a tiny bit beyond the time and energy i have, and it feels overwhelming when i can't do it better or perfect. just writing about it helps me see things like i paid 5 bills, felt a little broke and tired, but i am only paying attention to the one bill i didn't pay instead of the 5 on time bills i did pay.
okay, rambly
ApatheticNoMore
2-6-15, 12:52pm
It sounds like the situation might just be dysfunctional, abusive or however one wants to put it. I can't of course tell with any certainty from the vague description, but it seems it might be possible (really who are these people that hold on to a grudge forever? I mean sure first impressions matter and sometimes can't be overcome but ...). One shouldn't be blind to one's part in bad situations but perhaps even more importantly one shouldn't be blind to the fact that some situations are just really dysfunctional.
(really who are these people that hold on to a grudge forever? I mean sure first impressions matter and sometimes can't be overcome but ...)
Some organizations (my last one, for example) have incredibly long collective memories. Sadly, that went both ways: while some people were never really allowed to get past a big mistake they had made, others (who came in maybe better-sold or who had more friends) were able to make mistake after mistake after mistake without ever suffering the consequences.
Not that that helps ZoeGirl; just an explanation that sometimes the workplace is dysfunctional enough to be that way.
ZG, in your case, I would just remember that even the best batters in baseball -- the ones who made the covers of magazines and were paid millions -- still missed more balls than they hit. I would urge some contemplation on why so many things could go 'right' and the one big thing seemed to go 'wrong' -- you certainly put enough energy into the situation. But I would make the result of that a desire to fix that and not to attempt to appease people who may not even be counting anyway.
thank you all, i have another struggle with this right now. i realize that my boss is moody, the kind of moody that is infectious if that makes sense? basically i can tell from a distance if i have pushed one of her buttons and as a sensitive person it is painful. this week i have screwed up something, i went waaay out to support a family that then never paid and walked away. i was running late to return a phone call and now even more people know the deal. that means i lost a lot of credibility for all the families i have helped, and i look like a jerk. i got an email that said i needed to call an applicant or she would pass him to someone else (like now). only thing to do is lay low and do everything perfect a week or two.
the tiny ease and progress is that i am not overwhelmed with shame or just flooding emotions. i can easily get blown over and obsessive. i keep catching it but i am actually SEEING it, oh the thought that i could have some break from this is creating a lot of interesting emotions.
P.S. i think all of education is dysfunctional (the systems that hire teachers and all that, i think most all teachers work really hard to not create dysfunctional classrooms).
although i just heard a story about 3 families that are so messed up that now no adults are allowed at class parties, 2 of the families are ones that tried to start a fight in front of the school that i stopped. so maybe everyone is dysfunctional.
ApatheticNoMore
2-12-15, 1:47am
Yea I kind of suspect education may be one of those more than average dysfunctional workplaces (and I think it's kind of the times we live in now, that most workplaces are at least somewhat dysfunctional).
When flooded recently with shame I turned to one of my old reliable books "Compassion and Self-Hate" by Theodore Rubin (it's not a Buddhist book - never mind that the title might lead one to believe so). One thing it says is to look for the inhuman claim you are making on yourself, that is behind the self-hate/shame. For instance: "to never make mistakes" (I mean there is even a cliche about that particular expectation of oneself being inhuman, it goes: "to err is human" :~) ). Or to never do anything stupid, or to never make a fool of oneself and look ridiculous or whatever (it goes on about a lot of other things but those are common enough). But it's simply an inhuman expectation of oneself as it is human to do such things, some of them may even have positive aspects, but even when they don't, it's human (stop trying to be so much better than human all the time). So no it didn't eliminate ALL the shame I was feeling of course, it just gave me a little calm (was totally getting overwhelmed).
Of course this is all internal stuff, if other people keep going on and on about the same ancient mistake, I don't' know, maybe you should tell them to stop if they might listen, that it's in the past, you learned from it as best you could, so there's no need to talk about it anymore.
rank you, i am looking at what the content is, it is mostly internal and some unspoken external. the stuff i am supposed to know but is never quite clear. the one right now actually i am waking up at night a little. it is based on a good quality i have that in general is not seen as good, and this time the other people were right. so i struggle because i don't want to abandon my old trait and i already feel it is devalued enough. i go out of my way to support my families, i work with them on scholarship applications and support, i now have 3 families that have walked away from their bill after i worked with them. my trait of caring became more being naive, and i have been told my entire life to stop being so nice. So i am making a list and doing data on how many families have been helped and how many families have stayed in programming with scholarship or other help. i honestly expect to be called out on this one, it has happened before over my scholarship families. i did get some encouragement last fall when i was ready to just let go of it, let more families get suspended, but then with the encouragement i kept going, the encouraging person has since switched opinions. that was the one time i really got the encouragement for supporting my families as i think i am supposed to in my job. so is it internal or external? i don't feel that people are bringing it up all the time but i am getting the looks and the next time something comes up i get a short, rude response. today i did not get yelled at for supporting this family that bailed on their bill, instead i got an email about an applicant that would be given to someone else if i didn't call him right then. i have been told i cannot miss more meetings bluntly when i only missed one due to a snowstorm rather than hearing a criticism that was valid.
yeah, dysfunctional i think. but then that caring thing makes me look at how hard it is to do things like have conversations about what is really the issue or to keep track of so many people and schools,
ApatheticNoMore
2-12-15, 4:37am
It sounds like a conflict between 1) doing "social work" (as a task I mean not as a job title) by helping the families and 2) making a profit, or if not necessarily a profit then breaking even or not losing "too much" or losing as little as possible on unpaid bills (I don't actually know which of these are the organization's goal). If you can show that working with the families more actually fulfills whatever the goals of the organization are then that sounds good. Prove how much you've done for them. Of course if they don't listen to data because of prejudices about how things should be approached then, shrug, irrational and not a very healthy environment. However if the two goals don't align then that's definitely external and no way to solve it.
um wow, so the parent returned the agreement, has a week to make a payment, and maybe I have one less on the 'fail to serve' list. Just found out this morning.
And I have a personal goal to work through all the baby steps of not letting things send me on a roller coaster, I hate when people tell you to just let go, it is a process and real work to do that. Plus some of the people who let go and aren't bothered just drink heavily, :)
As someone who worked for years directing child care and after school care programs I understand both "sides" of your problem. On one hand you're a very creative and empathetic person...but, on the other hand you're working in a field that doesn't have enough profit margin to accomodate many financial miscalculations. The fact is that wonderful programming can only exist when it is supported by tuition and fees.
What would be great for you (and the children), would be if you could function solely as a program and curriculum "guru". Unfortunately, unless you are in an upper level position of a huge business such as Kindercare you have to be as interested in the nitty-gritty details (such as follow up phone calls) as you are in creating awesome programming for the summer. I learned early on in my career that the board members didn't care that I made three wonderful program changes at the center, if at the same time I missed a state deadline or was unable to collect unpaid tuition before someone unexpectedly moved away. I had to harden my heart to a few families to make it fair to the rest of the families who did honor their contracts. Though I loved creating new themes, counseling with the parents, and visiting the children in the classrooms, I had to learn to appreciate the importance of keeping up with the day to day details of running a legal, safe, and financially sound program. I hope that you can find some organizational techniques that will enable you to remain in your position, so that you can continue to bring your creative and empathetic self to your program! Hang in there while you figure this out. I'm rooting for you!
And I have a personal goal to work through all the baby steps of not letting things send me on a roller coaster, I hate when people tell you to just let go, it is a process and real work to do that. Plus some of the people who let go and aren't bothered just drink heavily, :)
That's why I have this Krishnamurti quote on my office wall:
1469
Valley, that is correct, I am learning as I go since last year I had no budget. It was just calling up people and asking and hearing yes or no. I do feel I need to be better on this. I am not good at everything, and this is an area I do need to improve. I have already been making changes about how I register and support. All of these messed up bills were from people who started program in fall, which was a train wreck. I got registration information for families the night before our program started so no chance to call, check in, make sure they knew and could pay their bill, etc. I typically do that 1-2 weeks before school starts, once school starts you are just running programs and trying to keep up. I am really good about returning all calls to serve families and I have room to grow here.
You got it Anne...it's all a learning process, for the staff as well as the children! Hopefully you have a good system going forward and last fall can remain in the past. Keep on keeping on!
iris lilies
2-13-15, 12:58pm
rank you, i am looking at what the content is, it is mostly internal and some unspoken external. the stuff i am supposed to know but is never quite clear. the one right now actually i am waking up at night a little. it is based on a good quality i have that in general is not seen as good, and this time the other people were right. so i struggle because i don't want to abandon my old trait and i already feel it is devalued enough. i go out of my way to support my families, i work with them on scholarship applications and support, i now have 3 families that have walked away from their bill after i worked with them. my trait of caring became more being naive, and i have been told my entire life to stop being so nice. So i am making a list and doing data on how many families have been helped and how many families have stayed in programming with scholarship or other help. i honestly expect to be called out on this one, it has happened before over my scholarship families. i did get some encouragement last fall when i was ready to just let go of it, let more families get suspended, but then with the encouragement i kept going, the encouraging person has since switched opinions. that was the one time i really got the encouragement for supporting my families as i think i am supposed to in my job. so is it internal or external? i don't feel that people are bringing it up all the time but i am getting the looks and the next time something comes up i get a short, rude response. today i did not get yelled at for supporting this family that bailed on their bill, instead i got an email about an applicant that would be given to someone else if i didn't call him right then. i have been told i cannot miss more meetings bluntly when i only missed one due to a snowstorm rather than hearing a criticism that was valid.
yeah, dysfunctional i think. but then that caring thing makes me look at how hard it is to do things like have conversations about what is really the issue or to keep track of so many people and schools,
ZG, if you have the authority to set up payment plans for families, then you were using the authority that you had. You can't predict who is going to pay and who isn't, although I personally would not cajole anyone into accepting outside financial help or payment plans (not saying that you did.) That impetus has to come from the client, they've got to have skin in the game and part of that "skin" is for them to explore options for digging out of arrears or for finding money to pay for their childrens' programs.
But certainly, you offering families who have delinquent bills an opportunity to catch up on their bill/get financial aid is a good thing.
Don't spin this into "niceness and my entire life I am good but others do not appreciate me..." stuff. It's business, you made a business judgement, and perhaps your judgements have been too lenient. That's not the end of the world, you can change course IF it is true that you are offering too much financial help. If the word coming down to you is to stop cutting these families so much slack, then do it.
Don't spin this into "niceness and my entire life I am good but others do not appreciate me..." stuff. It's business, you made a business judgement, and perhaps your judgements have been too lenient. That's not the end of the world, you can change course IF it is true that you are offering too much financial help. If the word coming down to you is to stop cutting these families so much slack, then do it.
+1
That's what I was saying earlier: You do your job, it doesn't work out as expected, you adjust and move on. Think of the school system like any other business and take the learning in stride and stop the self-blame.
Thank you, I hesitated to share because I was balancing honesty (hey I really still do self blame) with the intellectual understanding that this is not accurate to self blame. So all your sharing is great and effective.
I can't recall if I shared that the family actually signed the payment agreement and we will be getting some money, I don't look like total crap after all, and my supervisor was okay during our meeting today so that helps a lot.
Make it up doesn't really resonate with me. I think of it more like GPS. I make a mistake, get off course, and it goes "recalculating" a new course to get me to a good place from the error place I wandered into.
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