i knew it wasn't that easy

[Zoe Girl]

with my (21 yo) daughter,who quit drinking, she came over last weekend to just hang out and as of monday still had a plan to get counseling. She has not answered my calls since then. her brother just got a call that at 5 am they are way south in Denver at a mall with a flat tire. the used car they bought does not have a correct spare on it and they asked t if he could come with our Subaru and help them. Famous words, don't tell mom. well of course he did before leaving at 5 am and taking the car. He said his sister does not sound sober.

so maybe these are questions for al-anon and i should try again, but what do i do now? i feel horrible with guilt that i should have supported rehab more by taking time off work, or driven her to AA meetings instead of letting the boyfriend, or called more often to check in. the biggest question i have is if we need to do something different when she quits again, i had no idea that people die from quitting alcohol. i was not able to stay home and watch her during those first few days, there is not going to reasonably be a time when i can. Maybe check out the rehab places before we need them, i had her call a Dr for a checkup ashen she was here and they gave her an appointment months away, not really helpful. And since she is 21 i didn't tell dad for her but if she is drinking again i may need to do that,

Sorry i kinda lost track on the last thread, i don't have a problem with suggestions i just got over-done for a time

[catherine]

If you do go to Al-Anon they'll tell you the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Really, ZoeGirl, we're happy to listen to you, but for your benefit, this is not the right forum for you. Go to this one where you'll get tons of wisdom from people who are living it every day:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

But definitely go back to Al-Anon.

[Tradd]

Zoe, my dad was an alcoholic for many years and it's the reason why I no longer talk to my parents. Quit feeling the guilt. She'll quit drinking when she wants to and until then not a danged thing you can do. It's her fault, not yours, if she can't stay sober. This is going to sound harsh, but she has to want it. Leave it be.

Alkies don't care for anything more than their booze. You need to let her fall on her face if needed and stop helping her. You keep picking her up.

My parents don't seem to get even after all this time that dad's drinking destroyed our relationship. So be it. Less stress without them.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you both, i will definitely check out that forum. it will be helpful to have a place for that and keep this space for a little more lighthearted stuff or simply having some nice boundaries around it all.

i get to do training as a soccer coach today so that will keep my mind busy

[sweetana3]

Catherine had the best post. Write it down, post it where you can read it daily if necessary, consider it often. If it helps you, make a binder of all the info you have or can find to have available for your daughter, if she asks.

I only think Catherine was asking you to contact that other group because of your need for info and help. Unless we have lived thru it, all we can do is listen.

[razz]

FWIW, from personal experience with a really beautiful human being who was an alcoholic, I discovered that is not about caring for you, any aspect of you, your actions past and present or anything else that you do in the future when the alcoholic chooses to take charge of his/her situation. Find self-care that helps you and only you cope with the challenges that you are facing and get on with your life.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, i will probably give some updates here but i agree that site looks super supportive about the details of this issue. i got some more information that her brother shared and then that sparked a really great talk with my son about what he wants to do in life, what are some challenges with his history of anxiety and depression, how he feels about his sister, etc. i felt a lot better about my parenting style of more listening and problem solving and family meetings than a harsh discipline or traditional style.

the three c's are good to post, i may work that into my last 2 minutes of meditation when i traditionally do a loving kindness meditation. i think it is a little different as a parent to not feel responsible even though i honestly think there is some genetics to this. i am also thinking that every family tree is filled with about 50% messed up people!

Soccer training was really good, we had a soccer program in fall but i didn't get to go to training as the site coordinator. this time it was so helpful to attend the live training, and i fell on my bottom and have a bruised bum. i am going to lay down on ice and read instead of cleaning the whole house.

[Reyes]

Zoe, might you look into the rehab options in your area? It sounds like she was open to it a few weeks back. Perhaps she still is?

[Zoe Girl]

yes reyes, i looked up the ones that the insurance gave her information on. i think with some of the things i learned she may really need to go inpatient. as far as i can tell she is not 100% off alcohol and apparently that is more physically scary than i knew when she first came to me. i may need to do some of the outreach to dad and his family. My son said that we should call grandpa, even though he is a royal jerk he seems to do okay with people in early recovery. i don't know if she would agree since he has been rude to her as well.

i wish i would have/could have done more that week she was here! by the time i was getting it better understood she moved back to her apartment. Now if she comes back or starts to answer my calls i will be a little more prepared.