View Full Version : 7 days, 8, 9, counting
how many days since i have heard from my (alcohol addicted) daughter. She went back to her apartment, she has answered a few texts about recipes, and no talking about anything else, responding to phone calls, checking back, etc. i don't think she has been working, i think their car is broken, no AA meetings i am sure. i am on the support group site as well but there is nothing to talk about, just sitting around here.
yeah, add to that the 2 years my other daughter has not gone to the dentist despite the dental insurance dad provides and the beginning stages of gum disease. i had the dentist office do reminder calls for a month and then they called me back to say she never once answered her phone or called back, i told them it was okay and tried some more myself. Last time i saw her her teeth looked pretty bad and she is trying to apply for more career type jobs. she does not call me back, listen to messages, responds to maybe 25% of texts (and i don't send random ones).
So i know this is not just kids with serious issues, how many parents of young adult children get phone calls back, messages listened to, texts responded to? that is actually a question.
I don't know if I am saying the right thing or what you want to hear, but I simply had to let go of my daughter at some point and let her manage (or not) her own life. I don't know if you remember from several years back but she was a hard core drug abuser and I did all I could to help when she was a minor child but she didn't want any help until she hurt enough and was ready. She is an adult now, and managing her own life and thankfully doing quite well these days. She knows I am always there to turn to for help and advice, but she has made leaps and bounds in her maturing process over the last two or three years. A lot of times I just don't want to hear the all the details until she is ready to tell me - the other day she told me how she met the guy is is dating and everything she told me was something that raised alarms in my mind but I honestly just had to let go and reiterate to her that she is an adult now and free to make her own choices and accept the consequences (if any) from her choices. And I had to leave it at that and not dwell on it.
I did not go to many Al-Anon meetings during the height of her addiction though in retrospect it sure would have helped me out. The consequences of having to let go that much are evident in me today in some weird ways - during the height of her addiction I made myself become so detached from the possibility of a horrible outcome for her that I think it permanently altered my brain somehow. Even now, as she and I have gotten better, I still feel a bit detached from a lot of things emotionally.
So I am not really sure what I am trying to say other than you can drive yourself crazy with stress trying to control and fix people who should be learning to fend for themselves. If your daughter has gum disease, she will have to deal with the reality of having her teeth fall out eventually. She is making a choice not to take care of herself, and you can't do it for her. As for the other daughter, she will have to figure out how far she is going to fall into alcohol addiction - that is her choice and you can't make her go to meetings. Of course you can be there in the wings, as any parent should, to help when help is asked for.
I KNOW how horrible it feels to feel so helpless watching people you love hurt and I am so sorry you have to go through it.
PS: my daughter doesn't always respond to me either right away, but she is pretty busy with work and school so I just have to trust that she is all right and I will eventually catch up with her. I have been known to visit her at work briefly just to say hi and connect for a moment. I wish you all the best, and be kind to yourself during these stressful events.
Zoe, they have to fall down and get back up on their own. Alkies don't care for anything about where the next drink is coming from.
Blackdog Lin
2-18-15, 10:00pm
The consequences of having to let go that much are evident in me today in some weird ways - during the height of her addiction I made myself become so detached from the possibility of a horrible outcome for her that I think it permanently altered my brain somehow. Even now, as she and I have gotten better, I still feel a bit detached from a lot of things emotionally.
this. yes.
SiouxQ, you articulated what I've felt for so long so much better than I ever could. I love my son, and I am there for him as I always was, but I can never LOVE him the way I did before the years and years of troubles. It just seemed to go on and on and on, for too many years, and my brain and psyche kind of switched off, as a defense mechanism. I had to let him go. I feel guilty about this.....but it is what it is.
Zoe, you're not ready to let go yet obviously. But at some point you will hopefully realize you have to, for your own sanity. I will keep you in my prayers.
some of the most honest (and heart wrenching) writing.
i can relate to all of this. i have been in bubble for a long time with my middle daughter, there was nothing i could do so i have not paid attention to how bad it is. i got into a routine of just throwing away alcohol and pot and supplies. i have random reactions to other things that i understand on a higher level are related. i end up just not talking about a LOT because of it. that has been for a few years now. with this crisis i didn't even take time off work, flexed my schedule to do some things for her but flexing is part of a normal work schedule in my business. i had to sit down and walk myself mentally through the past in order to not feel guilt over it.
i also feel detached from both of my girls, not unattached in the way you do when a kid grows up and has their own life. i think that is what others are talking about as well. My oldest has been through the trauma years (the adoption and the shooting) but before that she failed a semester of college i paid cash for, and in that process lied to me constantly. she lived at home and i asked about her classes and she just lied and didn't attend. i have no idea if drugs or alcohol were involved, it doesn't really matter. But i have that break with her, what you all described as not being able to love the same way, and it is about the times she has moved back home and trashed my house and refused to clean or interact with anyone, some more lying. she lies for sympathy basically, probably the same issue with the teeth.
this has been good, i miss my kids and i will. this is the first time i have felt i can say i feel detached from my kids and not feel crushed by it. i understand it better because of the honesty you guys have shown. i am NOT the same ind of mother i was years ago, i have lost friendships because of it, i am not soft and cuddly so much, but i guess i am still okay because i do a great job at work and the kids respond to me there. i just feel that i have a point that is hard and unyielding and necessary for survival in this world that no one is going to talk me out of. between my ex and my kids i think i could pull a Buffy the vampire slayer move in a dark alley, i have mixed feeling about that
i have been in bubble for a long time...
I know a lady coming out of that bubble this week and she is basically slamming through all the stages of grief like you would for someone who died. She has tried and tried and tried over the years to "fix it" for her 4 adult children. She followed them here to try and help and after 3 years of trying here she is now packing to move back to her home. She is having to move on with her life. Its now up to the kids - do they make changes? It is out of her hands.
SiouxQ, you articulated what I've felt for so long so much better than I ever could. I love my son, and I am there for him as I always was, but I can never LOVE him the way I did before the years and years of troubles. It just seemed to go on and on and on, for too many years, and my brain and psyche kind of switched off, as a defense mechanism. I had to let him go. I feel guilty about this.....but it is what it is.
Blackdog Lynn, it pleases me to know that someone else has experienced this type of detachment; sometimes I think I am sort of crazy in a way. I have been thinking about this for awhile now and just started admitting to myself and to a select handful of friends that I really think I have some sort of PTSD from all those years of unrelenting stress. I know I have mentioned here that I am somewhat of a loner/introvert and am mostly at peace with myself about that, but it seems like in the last few years (even though my daughter has been on the road to recovery and I am so much healthier in so many ways) my connections with other humans, aside from work and a few friends, have really dwindled. I have not been in a relationship in years, nor do I want to be right now , but sometimes I feel like such a freak in this culture. The idea of someone wanting something from me - my time and or my affections feels really abhorent. The idea of giving up any part of myself to another person seems so foreign to me now, but when I think about how much I gave of myself being a single mom and trying to keep my kid alive all those years, it makes a lot of sense. I am just now starting to entertain the idea that I may not have to be so selfish about protecting my precious time and energy anymore. But for now I think I am still relishing having me to myself with little or no intrusions and demands by other people.
I don't know if this is a healthy thing or not, maybe it has to do with my age and menopause or whatever, but it is weird to know something intellectually but not be able to fathom if and how I'd ever want to change it. Living my life in a semi-detached state protects me in so many ways, but I hate to think that maybe I am allowing myself to miss out on a richness that letting go of my protective shell would allow. Definitely food for thought, and trying to take baby steps in that direction. I think detaching the way I HAD to was the only coping mechanism left in my arsenal, because towards the end of my daughter's using days, I was completely and utterly depleted by it all. To this day I CANNOT STAND having to wait in a hospital emergency room (though I've had to recently, with both her and my mom). I have to grit my teeth and take deep breaths and make myself blank out in order to bear it.
yeah i don't want to be in a position to have to put someone's needs as a major priority in my life. i had some real PTSD from the end of my marriage, and then i didn't really get a break when i went into the rounds of counseling, psychiatry, and school issues with each of my 3 kids. the addiction thing is just one part of this. i think i would have had more recovery with a smoother time with my kids but that was not to happen. So i don't have panic attacks, and i don't have the moment when i realize i would usually have a panic attack. However the toughness is semi-permanent as far as i can tell. A reason to love my buddhism and meditation, there is not the judgment or encouragement to be a certain way in my opinion, at least the nun study with is totally about being in the real world with our real sh**.
i can't stand self-help, oprah or counseling anymore. i have walked out on counselors that did not understand things like abusive dynamics or seem to listen well.
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