View Full Version : DH angry all the time
Gardenarian
3-31-15, 5:09pm
My husband's anger has been a problem for quite a while. The stress of moving seems to have pushed him over the edge and now he is just constantly fuming.
I've been reading up and apparently this is common in men in their 50s. I can remember my dad behaving the same way. Most of the articles expect the wife to take responsibility for maintaining peace at home, but I am really fed up. He blames everyone and everything for his anger - you should hear him in the car, cursing at all the othrr drivers.
I don't know whether I'm asking for sympathy or advice. Is this a phase? He refuses to get any help - he won't even go for a physical.
Get a good physical, look for sleep apnea, declining testosterone levels, other endocrine issues, depression, lack of exercise, ...
ApatheticNoMore
3-31-15, 5:38pm
If a woman is angry all the time it just gets blamed on her hormones :)
Anyway seriously, if it's not physical I suppose it could be the burnout from stress, the process of stress is supposed to make it harder and harder to control stress. Make him do meditation with you :~) But I can't see that a physical can hurt either. Does he see the move as a positive overall or a negative?
eta: it's not a side-effect of some medication he's taking is it? And don't tell me he drinks 10 cups of coffee a day because then I'm going to have to say: duh.
We have been facing the same thing. My husbands anger seems to be linked to prostrate infections. I can tell before he is diagnosed by a doctor that he has an infection. Crabby crabby crabby.....
Anger can be a form of depression. Would he be willing to see the doctor or a therapist?
I am very familiar with "Angry Man" syndrome. DH had it really bad a few years back but seems to be mellowing quite a bit. Things still set him off but he's always been a bit of a hot head. Too much testosterone I think:) My armchair analysis is that as some men get older they begin to feel powerless and have a really hard time dealing with it. And they don't really like to share their feelings like women do so it festers. Is he still working? Moving is a big stressor and unless you know people where you've moved to, then you might be on each other's case until you get your bearings in a new surrounding. I'm sure as mentioned there can be physical reasons involved too. DH finally had a physical and heart check and is mostly OK there. I have learned to back off and not try to exert my opinion when he gets irate about something. I hope yours' mellows too.
My father was an angry man too..............all the time. I think he was still reacting to his childhood, where he was mistreated. I think it would be good if your DH could try to uncover what is beneath all this anger. And I definitely agree with pinkytoe, that anger seems to happen when a person feels powerless. I think part of the problem with men is that they aren't allowed to understand their real feelings when they are younger. Well.........what I mean is, they aren't allowed to get in touch with what they are really feeling...........helplessness, sadness, being afraid, etc. And they learn to cover up all those other feelings with anger. This happens with girls too, but I think much more so with boys.
ApatheticNoMore
4-1-15, 10:35am
My father was an angry man too..............all the time. I think he was still reacting to his childhood, where he was mistreated. I think it would be good if your DH could try to uncover what is beneath all this anger.
my father had bursts of anger when we were growing up, that scared the living daylights out of you, but that weren't that frequent. Then when we were late teens/young adults he was chronically angry for awhile, I do partly sometimes attribute it to stress burnout - well it does damage the brain right (I think his life was stressful, never fully getting what he wanted - always as distant from everyone, as men of that generation were), but also for awhile I think he was addicted to pain killers. Ok to understand how easily this can happen by someone actually not at all seeking to be an addict, these were doctor prescribed for back pain, and not the super duper strong ones, but others claim to notice that he would get most angry when in withdrawal so to speak ("needing" another pain killer).
Well.........what I mean is, they aren't allowed to get in touch with what they are really feeling...........helplessness, sadness, being afraid, etc. And they learn to cover up all those other feelings with anger. This happens with girls too, but I think much more so with boys.
I've been told I do this. Hmm well for all his anger my dad got his way in that household, my meek mom did not .....
This discussion is making me VERY angry. Not really; just trying to be funny. Ha. I figure this: he is pretty typical of a guy who, late in life, is frustrated that he is running out of options (and time) to live up to his own expectations. Plus, having to deal with changes that are beyond his control, when everyone seems to think he SHOULD be just acting like a passive, contented, accomodating old guy, putting everyone else first, like they see on TV or in church or wherever.. His lashing out, seems to present a threat, because it just isn't "nice". Picture, if you will, a dog chained to a tree, day after day, barking at passersby. What most codgers do to cope is become a Walter Mitty, get completely immersed in stadium sports and/or Pea Tardy-Political discourses, online. They can then Hil-o-ree/Yobomma bash to alleviate that aggression. Plus, they can over-eat and drink or smoke that "stuff".. This is more acceptable than road-raging with family members in the car or directing your anger at them when they irritate you with annoying behaviors. See? I have never watched Dr Phil, nor do I intend to. But, you can still Thankk Mee.
Gardenarian
4-1-15, 3:09pm
Thank you everyone for your replies.
I am pretty sure he does have sleep apnea. He went in for a test but it was crazy - it was in the middle of the day in noisy room with all the lights on. He never actually fell asleep, but they said he didn't have sleep apnea. He is overweight and snores a lot.
He also doesn't get nearly enough exercise. He eats well but far too much. He also drinks heavily a couple of nights per weeks (musician lifestyle.)
I may have convinced him to get a physical. With our new insurance we have a much wider choice of doctors than we had with Kaiser; maybe he'll find someone he really clicks with. I think there is a strong physical component to this. In addition to the anger he seems to be losing his memory and seems befuddled much of the time.
He's not on any medication.
I think you are all on spot about this being a time of life thing, aging, feeling powerless, not living up to his dreams - that, with the added health factors, and the stress of moving - maybe that's what it's all about. Hormones? I have no idea.
My fear is that these are symptoms of early Alzheimer's (he sometimes makes no sense at all.) I hope a doctor can rule this out.
I'm mostly worried about how this is affecting dd. They have always been very close but it seems they can't be together for more than a few minutes without a fight. It's not her; he's fighting with his friends, the radio, me, everyone. He gets angry when he's by himself.
I feel sorry for him but also worried, frustrated and just sick of it. He will apologize after a blow up, but it's not the same as not cursing at me in the first place. There I am, having a perfectly lovely day, and he starts screaming at me because of some receipt he can't find. He's always had a sense of entitlement, being the baby sibling (by many years) and coming from a rich and coddling family.
I wish he could for one minute be grateful for everything that has been given to him.
Gardnerian - get a real doctor to do a real workup on him. The symptoms you are describing sound like they could be caused by any of several easily-treatable underlying conditions (my guess remains sleep apnea/low testosterone (which can be linked) ). By "easily-treatable" I mean he could be peachy inside of a week.
Does he have a night shift job? If not.......there's no reason on earth they did it during the day! Doctors can vary A LOT on their competence with sleep studies. The first one I had, my neurologist had been head resident at Johns Hopkins..........but I only slept about an hour, yet he said it was normal! Then I continued to suffer for several more years until I had another test. They allowed me to take a xanax, since I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Anyhow.......I slept for about 5-6 hours and it showed moderate sleep apnea and alpha wave intrusion and no REM sleep at all. :( So I've been using cpap for about 7 years, and my life has been sooooooo much better.
Look for another doctor. Start with a good internist who could recommend a good sleep doc, besides getting various other tests.
The outlook on early Alzheimer's is more hopeful than it's been in some time:
http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/news/20141006/report-claims-success-treating-alzheimers-memory-loss
The disclaimers here are snort-worthy. Really. Pharma won't be happy until there's a pill.
Gardenarian
4-1-15, 8:58pm
I will really push seeing the doctor, and especially ask about the apnea and testosterone. To have him feel better in a week! oh, that would be amazing! He's just not the same person he used to be.
Gardenarian
I am with Bae and the others on this Step 1 is a complete physical work up...I would write up any and everything you can think of about his
medical history for him to give a real doctor.
Like Bae has said there is a good chance it is something simple and can be fixed really quick; often with lifestyle changes or meds. I have seen a
friend become like this and it was high blood sugar....very fixable.
But, it can also be something more serious that could be caught and helped. My husband was not an angry man but more and more he was
because he felt tired and unwell without knowing why. We both blamed it on retiring, family stress,etc, etc, etc. but by leaving it too long we all
missed a serious illness.
I just got to thinking about a Tee Vee show that was on 40 years ago, for 8-9 Seasons, was rated #1(which I assume meant most-watched)for the first 5 years of its' run. I know Tee-Vee isn't "real"; but once in awhile, art imitates life. The show was "All In The Family", where the premise was the household of an outspoken, crabby old geezer and patriarch named Archie Bunker. He didn't get violent, and sometimes he even showed a soft touch. But, not usually. When aroused or annoyed he said a whole lot more than simply uttering: "D'oh!" But, I don't think there was any suggestion that he needed some counseling and a prescription to make him more docile. He was not considered "dysfunctional", though he was a thorn n everyone's side at times. Anyway. Hope that helps you some. Thankk Mee.
It's true that "grouchy old men" is a (socially accepted) thing, but a full workup couldn't hurt (unless you get sucked into swallowing the geriatric drug cocktail)--it will give him a base to work from.
Teacher Terry
4-2-15, 1:36pm
I had a sleep study & they did it at nite-checked in at 9pm. They gave me a sleep aid otherwise I could not have slept. They kept me until 6am. I had severe sleep apnea & the CPAP has changed my life for the better. Also have his PSA done too. If it is high he should not be taking testerone. I agree with Bae that it could be something that is fixable quick.
I agree with bae. An overnight sleep study. SO was diagnosed with apnea about 11 years ago. He only went for the sleep study because I told him I wouldn't move in with him until he had one done. Part of my request was that I knew I couldn't sleep in the same bed with him snoring like that. But the bigger part was that I was worried about him and wanted him to do the right thing for his health. He's used a CPAP ever since and his life has been so much better. Before CPAP he couldn't watch a movie in the evening without falling asleep.
My personal opinion is that there's no situation that isn't made worse by dealing with it with a lack of sleep. Since before meeting SO I have planned for, and made sure I get, a good night's sleep most nights. Sometimes I fail in my efforts to do so, but by and large I succeed. I exhibit none of the anger or rage that many of you have mentioned in your posts. Of course I'm only 47, so maybe in a few years all my calmness will bubble over into uncontrolled anger...
OP, it was obvious to me that SO had apnea because of the way he snored. Several seconds of held breath/not breathing, followed by a series of gasps for air. Another deep breath. Held breath/not breathing, gasps for air, over and over all night long. Each held breath followed by the deep gasps for air was him waking up because he was literally suffocating. No wonder he was hugely tired. He was waking up every 90 seconds or so all night long. If you have any reason whatsoever to think this is his problem I IMPLORE you to get him a good sleep study. Not only is he miserable from being perpetually sleep deprived, but it's incredibly bad for his heart as well.
DH was like that for 2 decades. Stopping drinking was essential, his testosterone going down was also, and when he retired that really helped=--it was then he got actively interested in learning to be happy and kind.
My DH was like this at the beginning of the marriage. I found that if I got up and quietly just walked into a different room so that there was no audience it seemed to decrease the frequency and intensity of the outbursts. It also made me feel better.
Just a thought. I'm glad you reached out here---there are a lot of good thoughtful comments.
Blackdog Lin
4-8-15, 10:17pm
Gardenarian - just letting you know I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
I read this post last night, and then again tonight, and still can't quite articulate a coherent post in answer. Been there done that. I have so many thoughts. Of course you want to try and diagnose/fix any physical problems that may be the reason. But what if there isn't a definitive physical fix? What if he's just turned into a butthead and you can't fix it?
How old is your daughter? You may have to choose, her well-being over your wanting to preserve your marriage/family. Angry middle-aged men can be - nope, they are - toxic to the children in the house. I'm still not certain I made the right decision(s) in my situation. But I would suggest to anyone else in the same situation to consider carefully how the children are faring. Maybe it's better to try to preserve the family. Maybe not.
Sending hopeful thoughts your way.....
And they don't really like to share their feelings like women do so it festers.
As a person of the male persuasion, I find that a little bit unfair. I have often felt shut down by my spouse when I try to talk about how I feel about something. I used to be, and I still would be I suppose, the kind of person who likes to talk about how I feel about everything, (at least within the limits of being an introvert). I like to talk about my father and how I feel like I am, to my chagrin, somewhat like him, and so on and on. I learned early on that my wife's attitude is "if you aren't going to do anything about it, or if you can't do anything about it, why are you telling me?" For me, just talking about it was doing something about it, but she would launch into problem-solving mode. "If they annoy you, don't talk to them any more!" That kind of thing. In this made-up instance, it's not that I didn't want to not talk to the person, I wanted to pick apart why I felt that that person annoyed me. Was it something I picked up from my family? Am I too impatient? Etc. My wife has no patience whatsoever with that brand of introspection and sharing. I think it is much more tied to personality than gender.
I've been thinking about talking to a therapist myself, just to have a chance to talk to someone about random frustrations -- there is so much that I have not had the chance to talk about over the years simply because I do not feel welcome to talk. I'd say my overall relationship is pretty good, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by petty annoyances, and they almost all have to do with my relationship, and my wife does not have a sense of humor about herself at all. I wonder, sometimes, if it is because her parents communicated by screaming at each other while she was growing up, and I never heard my parents argue at all.
Edited to add: I remember the last conversation of the sort I am referring to. My daughter is a vegetarian, but she never knows what she wants to eat. The rest of us are basically following a paleo kind of thing. I was telling my wife that I wish our daughter would just be a little more decisive about what she wanted because it was so frustrating ... She cut me off in the middle "Don't tell me. Tell her." End of conversation. Fair enough, but I was just trying to express the frustration I was feeling. Bah.
As a person of the male persuasion, I find that a little bit unfair.
Yes, I should have noted this is the case for some men. I don't happen to know a single male in my circle though that cares to discuss their feelings about things. They certainly express their opinions though.
I appreciated your perspective pcooley, and I especially liked...
As a person of the male persuasion...because I had a college professer who always defined every person in a talk as being of the "male persuasion" or "female persuasion". You made me smile and remember him.
Also I saw similarities to my husband and myself. He is a talker who wants to talk each subject till it's exhausted. I'm usually a little tired from the day and trying to do three things at once and really want a cut and dry short conversation...and I get no joy from " friendly debates" at all. Some people do but I end up feeling put on the defensive and belittled. Also, I do not like to repeat conversations so for example if my husband and I had talked about a child's lack of food decisions by the 3rd night of the same conversation I would of said exactly the same thing as your wife. I want a new conversation, not to repeat something we couldn't fix before. We've had similar conversations about our younger son's driving skills and after 4 repeated conversations I was very much "Don't talk to me. Talk to him."
You mention "more tied to personality than gender" and I would agree with that but I also recognize that all of us are at different places on the hormone levels. I know my hormone levels are messed up and my scale slides more to some manly hormones than female. That's why we had fertility issues. There are so many issues that come up and I see how I respond more manly than womanly. I am more cut/dry, don't like to talk about feelings, want to find a solution.
I haven't jumped in earlier on this conversation but I have thought about it a lot. My husband is also quick to anger and I've seen that increase over the years. He just sees a lot of injustices where as I'm like "this is what it is, let's move on from here". Our trigger phrase when he's getting too carried away is "well, they are just all out to get you, aren't they?"
Teacher Terry
4-9-15, 2:50pm
My ex was angry all the time. When my youngest of the 3 kids turned 18 I left him after 22 years. During that time we went to counseling for a number of years trying to fix it. When I met my current hubby I let him know that if he started getting angry a lot we would be done. Been there-done that & it sucked. If you find that there is nothing physically wrong then I would try therapy. Usually the women want to talk & the men want to problem solve so it is interesting to see that it is reversed in some marriages. Take Care
I didn't chime in sooner because I'm not sure I have anything very useful to add, but I have a really angry DH too. He's been worked up medically, and while he does have some health issues going on, it doesn't appear there's anything that particularly relates to mood. I believe I would welcome the kind of discussion you describe above, Paul, but I get worn down by relentless rants about how the police suck, the government sucks, the corporations suck, etc. etc. etc. We too have a dynamic where I want to find solutions and he just wants to be heard. I'm rapidly concluding that the idea of these roles belonging to one partner or another according to gender is a myth.
My beloved gets cranky when his blood sugar is unstable. (I put my Carnac hat on and ask "Did you have a carb-heavy meal about an hour ago?" I doubt my psychic powers impress him...) He's been much better the last couple of years, as his glucose levels stabilized. I wouldn't want to live with a chronically cantankerous man.
I've never seen the purpose in talking a problem to death; I'm more likely to search for solutions. In other people's lives anyway. :help:
rosarugosa
4-10-15, 7:24pm
This somehow seems relevant:
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=259853194157492
You should see a counselor or therapist, if you can get him to go as well. I just can't live that way, good luck.
I have some anger issues, and what I've discovered is that most of it comes down to a sense of powerlessness. I do the blame and shame thing when I don't feel like I have any authority to defend myself or change something upsetting that's affecting me. If I let it, that can spiral to being angry with situations and politics and all the other horrid world problems which I also can't change but which usually don't affect me personally at all.
Do you think your DH's anger may have something to do with your move - either that it felt out of his control, or maybe just that he's lost patience with the settling in process? Did the move take away a power base or sense of competence he used to rely on?
Communicate communicate communicate.
He may or may not be angry with you. Like the other response said, men carry frustration with them from work and other relationships, and they have a harder time finding ways to get that out. Some are good at talking, others are more physical, but everyone needs an outlet and it sounds like maybe he doesn't have one. I know my brother for example; he's very articulate, when he's calm. If he's upset or something is bothering him, he can't express himself until he's worked out to the point of exhaustion. Some of the best tips and effective keys to fixing unhealthy relationship (http://olwomen.com/9-keys-fixing-unhealthy-relationships/) are trust, talking to each other about all the problems, helping each other, going for a romantic date and give each other space and alone time when needed.
You need to ask him what's bothering him, without being accusatory. For example, don't say, "You're always angry. What's going on?!" Try, "Has anything been bothering you lately? I've noticed you don't quite seem yourself." If he insists nothing is wrong, let it drop for now. You don't want to badger him, but maybe just letting him know that you've noticed his behavior or attitude will point out to him that he's off his game. He may not even realize that he's not his normal sweet self.
If he is unhappy with the relationship, you can always work on it. Don't let anyone convince you that love isn't enough. Love is enough. But you also have to be willing to work together (which means he has to contribute too).
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