speaking of older generation and stuff and happiness downsizing

[Zoe Girl]

i live in denver, the city not the burbs, and it is expensive. So of course things like housing are smaller. My son and i are pretty much fine with that, i talked to him today as we are looking for a new place to live about how it may be cheaper back in our old area but the drive would be horrible for my job. He doesn't want to go back, he said there is nothing to do. Glad we agree, plus as a kid with dreads and gauges i think the city is a little better.

So i have started to find some cute places, not all are astronomically priced so there is hope with 60 days to work with. No matter what we need to downsize our stuff, i found out that there are ways to have the trash service pick up a lot of things and avoid the dump and renting a truck etc. But then i talked to my mom and got sad. i told her how cool it was that we had this service and it helps with the downsize and her immediate comment was that where we moved would be sure to have more kitchen cabinets. in other words please keep or get more stuff, and the underlying theme of no one would choose to live the way i do. At least i should be striving towards a lifestyle that is more stuff or security or something that she understands.

it makes me sad, i am not a perfect simple liver, i gripe at times about wanting nicer stuff or a better space. Honestly this rental needs work, it is adorable but it needs some regular work to keep it up and i am happy to move.

i ended up asking my mom to imagine i just said something that would make her very happy because i was very happy. But i know it makes her so happy to buy and hand-down and basically show up with a LOT of stuff for us. maybe 1/4 of what she brings would be appropriate, and she has cut down so much over the years with my encouragement. i just wish that the amount that made her happy and the amount that made me happy was a lot closer so there was a chance of us both feeling good at the same time.

[mschrisgo2]

Zoe Girl, I feel for you. My mom is 85 this year, still living in her own house. She can't get out on her own to shop any more, but a couple of years ago she discovered the joy of UPS and FedEx coming up the driveway. So whenever I go there, she has a TON of stuff she wants to give me, sometimes so much that it literally won't fit in my car (along with my 2 dogs in their crates). She was so disappointed when I downsized from a minivan to a Soul last Fall. So I take what will fit, and usually time my arrival home so that I can stop at one of the Thrift stores to make a very large donation before I actually go home. She doesn't get that I am trying to right-size, myself, and certainly do not need anything new, though I have lately replaced some kitchen items with "old" ones from the thrift store, so much better made!!

I decided her happiness in giving does NOT have to impact my happiness in right-sizing.

[larknm]

mschrisgo2, I really like your comment, I decided her happiness in giving does NOT have to impact my happiness in right-sizing.

[Zoe Girl]

what do you do when you cannot hide that you are giving things away? and what about the amount being an immediate issue, like when my mom brings food it does't all fit so she makes fire hazards (putting plastic wrapped loaves of bread on the toaster for example). when i move the amount of stuff she brings means it will sit in the center of the living room. that has happened before. i find i almost am forced to deal with this up front, i can't in front of her just take it my car for a trip to goodwill and act the way i want to, i have had her bring things back to her car but that feels bad too. maybe just accepting that i am not going to feel great.

[Teacher Terry]

Sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can't imagine being so out of touch with your child. It is sad. I have no advice since I have never had to deal with something like this.

[Zoe Girl]

thanks terry, it does help to be validating. the out of touch comment really hit home. i am trying not to get into the long story of how i am treated different than my siblings as the black sheep who is not going to fall into whatever is more comfortable for her.

i am going to be taking large trips to goodwill and give my mom fair warning. funny thing she objects to me getting a storage unit for some of the furniture and musical gear i don't want to get rid of. She really does not understand the size difference of living in a city.

[mschrisgo2]

Zoe Girl, it sounds to me like you have a family dynamic where nothing you do is going to please your mother (and please forgive me if I'm incorrect about that). I was part of a very similar dynamic until I stepped out of it. Really, this is a great time to make your own way, you only have yourself and your son to take care of now, let it be ALL about what makes the best life for YOU.

[SteveinMN]

Like many of us, I have a parent that seems to take much delight in giving stuff to their kids, even if they have shown no desire for it. In my mom's case (and I think I've discussed this before), the desire for stuff lies in part from growing up during the Depression and partly because she left her family of origin as soon as she could and left lots of "stuff" behind. It's just part of who she is. Fortunately, what she gives us is given with a modicum of interest for our lifestyles and it's almost all functional and useful (to someone if not us). We also have enough space and mobility to be able to accept it graciously and then dispose of as we see fit.

Lacking all this, though, we already would have had "The Conversation" with her. Right now, ZG, your moving to a new place provides a breakpoint and the perfect opportunity to thank your mother for her interest and willingness to give, but that -- right now especially, with moving and all -- it would be most helpful if she did not give you any more "stuff" to have to juggle into a new home. There are other ways she can provide for her family that doesn't involve material things. I know that will not be an easy conversation to have with your mother, but you have an extraordinary opportunity to do it now. And though I know mother-daughter relationships can be fraught with conflict, there is no reason why her happiness should preclude your happiness. Maybe there is someplace to meet in the middle. Or maybe not.