Divorce- Simple Living Afterwards

[TxZen]

My friend from the military is getting divorced after 14 years of marriage. 1 child, 2 cats, she works full time. They have agreed to a 30/60 split of home sale, assets and all materials items. He was caught cheating, admitted to it and agreed he screwed up, so she gets more plus she will have full custody of their daughter. The guy was never around any who but I digress.

She came to me because she knows I live pretty simple and she is in a somewhat hoarding situation, due to her husband. He collects Lego sets and anything Star Wars. Their current house is over 2500 square feet, 4 bedroom/4 baths, dining, living, kitchen, bonus room on 1.4 acres. Beautiful home in the county. She is selling and moving into an 845 square foot home with her daughter on her parents property.

Problem- I went to help her sort out her stuff, one room at a time. Nothing has any rhyme of reason. Her husband's hoarding and over buying resulted in her trying to head him off and return stuff. She knows that they have triples of some items but he has no clue, he just kept buying, so she has things tucked away to return when he is not around. I know..bananas...but I do not judge. She did give him 2 days to remove what he wanted from the house and the rest was hers to deal with. He took only 2 truckloads and was done, leaving her with a ton of stuff. Realtor wants to put the house on the market in 3 weeks and at least have the house is some order.

So here is my plan of attack and input is always accepted.
1. Kitchen- completely empty, deep clean and paint. Estimated time- 4 days to finish. It's a beautiful kitchen, just needs a fresh coat of paint but we have to get all the stuff out to do it .
2. Master w/bath- completely empty, deep clean and paint. They have 2 huge master closets you can't even see let alone get into.
3. Yard- 2 days...clean up, mulching, good watering/reseeding, trim bushes and replant flowers in 2 huge pots by the front door, new welcome mat. Touch up paint if we can get to it.
4. Bathrooms- just deep clean, wash shower curtains, touch up paint and add flowers on day of sales.
5. Returns- Lego Sets, anything with tags, etc..to the store. Her daughter has been helpful in matching up receipts with items. Tomorrow, they are taking the day to do returns, some are by mail, so are in store.
Rest of house- deep clean, steam carpets, touch up paint, clean windows, etc.

I am using the 4th bedroom to stage what she wants to keep. She is very good at letting things go and we are organizing the piles as we go IE: The clothes she wants to keep are all hanging in the closet, shoes, accessories, etc. We have bins marked kitchen, baths, bedrooms to place items in. We are doing are huge sell pile, that we are staging in the garage as we go. She has a friend helping with setting that up and the pricing. Oh yeah...yard sale is 2 weeks from now. So the pressure is on!!! Trash bags follow us around and go right out and we have a box set up for all paperwork that she knows she needs to go through.

Here daughter is almost 12 and wants a clean, fresh room and willingly departed with about 75% of her stuff- dolls, barbies, toys, books, etc. She is promised a larger size bed and long dresser and whatever she makes at the yard sale will go to a new laptop for school next year. This kid is really impressing me at what she has let go of. We did make a memory box for her, for those things she is not quite ready to get rid off- ribbons, pictures, mementos, etc...Today, we went and picked out her paint color for her room and new bedding. It was fun. :)

I told her to think about each room and what she wants in it and assign things to that room IE: Master- mattress set, sheets, dresser w/mirror, chair, etc....

As far as what she wants to keep, I told her to go with her gut and we can always go over everything again right before the yard sale. It's a quick sort but I can tell you by making decisions right there and taking the item to it's rightful place is so helpful. We have the kitchen emptied out and almost sorted. Tomorrow, the painters are coming and then we are going to deep clean.

Am I missing anything? I told her, be ruthless but be realistic too. She really is trying. It's nice to work with someone who is ready to let it all go.

Any other suggestions I can pass along? Thanks.

[Lainey]

TxZen, you are a very good friend. That's a lot of work but it sounds like they are very willing, plus having a deadline and also a promise of some new usable items for a fresh room is really motivating.

I just wondered if there's anyone else available to pitch in, because what you've listed is a lot of work even for several people. Do they have friends or relatives who can at least help with one room, or help with landscaping?

Also another question: when one of my co-workers cleaned out his mom's home after she passed, he completely forgot about the attic. Is there any attic or basement or garage involved here?

[TxZen]

oh...Attic will have to ask. Thank you.

She has her friend helping with the yard sale. I think her sister lives close, so she is taking what she wants and she did bring us lunch the other day. :)

She is looking for help with the landscaping. I will ask her tomorrow if she hired anyone.

She does have someone helping her move and I told her I could do a few hours at the yard sale, mostly to make sure no one walks off with anything. It is a MASSIVE amount of stuff in a really nice neighborhood.

I really enjoy doing things like this when it has a positive outcome. :)

[Zoe Girl]

that sounds like a very good plan. i did this, and survived. we downsized from 3500 ft2 to about 1000 ft2 in about a month or more. it is good and yet brutal, i am glad you are supporting her and her daughter is so supportive as well.

here are my hints
* go in stages rather than going first to cleaning out totally, so both places are functional during the process of selling and moving
* go to almost a travel or camping amount of bathroom items. Put it in an actual travel bag and ignore the rest or box it up.
* put together an emergency kitchen box, a few plates and cups that can be thrown away, paper towels, microwaveable dishes, dishsoap. if you are back to clean and paint you may need some very very basic items if you need something to eat
* schedule a pick up from a junk service and a charity a few days after the yard sale
* a storage unit is a great transition tool. this is a LOT of work in a short time, there is a point where she will get tired and it is not so easy to make decisions about stuff then, having a storage for 2-3 months is super helpful as a place to sort as the house is on the market and needs to be ready to show. it is very possible to be intentional and not end up with a storage space of junk for years, i did it 2 times both for only 3 months


havefun

[jp1]

I don't have any suggestions, other than to reitterate Lainey's suggestion about finding others to help with certain tasks like landscaping. Also painting. Are there friends who may not want to help with sorting etc, but who would be willing to come over and slap paint on walls? Especially if your friend offers pizza and beer at the end of the day. Beyond that you really seem to have thought of everything I would think of.

You are such a good friend to be willing to help her with this process. I can absolutely see how this could become a completely overwhelming situation to your friend and result in a "call the dumpster company and make this all go away" decision. Simple, yes. But not financially the best choice. Having someone to keep everyone focused and moving forward has got to be an amazing help for her. And thank goodness her daughter is on board. Having a 12 year old freakout situation would make the whole situation unbearable.

[TxZen]

Let me say, she is an awesome Mom. I have watched her be both Mom and Dad from day one and other than a gripe here and there, she NEVER complains in front of her daughter just says "Get it done." She is not letting this divorce get to her and keeps it so positive. She has taped positive quotes all over the house to keep herself motivated and, which I think is brilliant, she takes time each day for her daughter and herself, instead of pushing herself to exhaustion. I, myself, have been in the tough spot of having to move and no one to help me. She really is a sweet woman who works so hard for everything.

She is very accepting of change because she says you can't dwell on it too long or else months/years will go by and you will have missed out. She helps ME out on a lot of spiritual/emotional stuff, so she has my help.

She does stand to make a pretty penny in this whole adventure. She is 44 and because of her hubby's issues, she does not have much financially but is getting back on her feet. She took what money they did have, paid off the credit card debt and changed her CC's to just her name.

When I say the house is loaded down, I can't begin to describe it. We moved everything out of the kitchen, trashing and purging for the yard sale and after 3 hours, had only made it a 1/3 of the way through. She is being so vivacious in what she is keeping and I commend her for that. She has only taken 1 thing out of the yard sale and put it in keep. Oh..and it's a 3 car garage and it's half way full already and we have only emptied 2 rooms and cleaned up a hallway that had a curio cabinet and pictures in it. She now sees her husband's compulsion in full force.

She is also lucky he is not fighting her but I think he just wanted out. She told me when he came to get his stuff, he was just random in what he took.

[razz]

I would stage the living room, kitchen MBR and one bath with a minimal furniture as an empty house is not as appealing. Amazing effort on your part.

[TxZen]

Last night, we finished up the living room and left the L shaped couch in there (She is taking that with her) , 2 tables with lamps and we added some pictures and there will be a flower arrangement to the fireplace. We also polished the dining room table and chairs and will add another arrangement of flowers when she sells.

Here is the awesome thing. Now that I am older and all I have gone through, I really found out who my friends were over the past 1.5 years. She is tried and true person for me. I can say what I want and she doesn't judge me or TELL me what to do but walks me through it. She has helped me out in a pinch a few times, so it's a good give and take relationship.