View Full Version : I am going to run away from home
OMG I cannot take it anymore... my @$%^*(*&^# husband creating crisises where there are none and and the ones that are would have been avoided if he did not pretend to have his #$%^&**(*&$ ears and eyes closed to them when they first came up and were non issues . I am so sick of his $%%^&& childish reactions to life !!!!!
And I will take my my half of the responsibilities of "babying" him ... I grew up in a household of yelling screaming and throwing things were acceptable means of means of showing displeasure... but having someone pouting, sulking and rolling up in an emotional fetal position is my Kryponite ... I don't know what to do with that...
*()^% Grow up !!! You have 35+ years as a Fire Fighter. If you can handle 35 years as that ... you can handle this ....
I'm not sure if you are venting or seriously want out. But it is possible to leave. I ran away. It was really hard to admit that that's what I wanted and needed to do but afterwards the relief and freedom is wonderful.
I do want to run away ... and have many many times in the past but ... back then I was in my 20's and 30's ... but now I am 54 ... and got myself ensnared in such a trap... I was debt free and lived very simply in a house that I owned.... Now I am tapped of a web of my own making ... !!!
All because I was " So Different " than is his EX I was seduced by the $$$ that he made... and thought that if we could live by my "simple living" way of life that we ( I) could " Have It All"
He is deathly afraid of " Being Bored" his MO of pouting and sulking and me not telling him to " Grow A Pair" is why I want out. He thinks Dave Ramsey and the rest is bunk because he will be " bored"
Well at 54 you probably have quite a lot of years left. You'll have to decide how you want to spend them. It might take a while to get unsnared but I'm sure you could.
Wishing you the best in whatever happens.
May I suggest that you step away for a while and get the emotional response calmed down so that you can see things objectively. It will be too unfair to yourself to make decisions at present that will affect your joint future. Take the time to really think about what makes it right for you both. Counselling may help you sort out where you are both coming from and where you hope to go in the future.
Other than that, vent away here where you can safely do it.
Whenever I struggle with what to do, I ask myself, "What would I advise a dear friend to do in these situations if asked?"
Big hug and hold on tight if needed to catch your breath.
I grew up in a household where pouting, sulking and rolling up in an emotional fetal position were the norm, and it's still my emotional kryptonite. A partner who stonewalls is one of the most difficult things to work with, and I think I read it's one of the four most likely reasons for a marriage to fail. You can't really work things out with someone who runs out of the room and spends some more money at the first sign of not getting their way. It can also put you in a position where you're so grateful for a little crumb of feedback that you spend your life walking on eggshells hoping to be rewarded with human connection, not saying 90% of what you need to. Add that to a child-man who doesn't want to look at financial reality and ... aaaaargh.
I have no good advice for you, but I know where you're coming from. I feel trapped, and most of the time I am ok with it because things are going pretty well here, but on occasion the awareness of what I have let myself into and what it would take to get out again is really upsetting. Ironically, the things designed to give me some breathing room are the most problematic. My goal for now is to work on what I can as far as "cleaning up" so that I have a clear way out if I need it. Good Luck Boss Mare.
PS - my experience with firefighters: they do heroic and necessary and selfless things, but the bigger-than-life drama and adoration that is provided by these adrenaline filled situations is something that is very desirable to them. They seek out and eventually expect it in all of life, anything less is "boring". Has your H recently had his adrenaline-rush cut off?
Really, being single is not that bad. Some people actually prefer it. :D You get to manage your money and life the way you want, for the most part, and you can always continue your relationship outside of marriage--partner willing, of course.
catherine
5-23-15, 11:28am
I do want to run away ... and have many many times in the past but ... back then I was in my 20's and 30's ... but now I am 54 ... and got myself ensnared in such a trap... I was debt free and lived very simply in a house that I owned.... Now I am tapped of a web of my own making ... !!!
If you made it, you can get out of it, if you want to. So sorry if this is a serious wedge between you and your spouse, and not just the run-of-the-mill temporary blow-out. But feel free to vent, either way. We hear ya.
Really, being single is not that bad. Some people actually prefer it. :D You get to manage your money and life the way you want, for the most part, and you can always continue your relationship outside of marriage--partner willing, of course.
I should probably stop "spilling" here but something occurred to me as far as marital glue. I have thought about that last part. "oh, in a perfect world, I'd have a little condo, and he could live here in the house, and we could date instead of being married, we could go out and see a movie like ... well we don't share a taste in movies, but we could go out to a restaurant and ... well we don't like the same food, but we could go and ... well we don't really share any hobbies, but at least we could sit and have a conversation about ... UMMM ... nearly the only thing we ever talk about is the practical day to day of our life together. We find common ground but I'd put out a guess that everything we do together is a compromise for at least one of us.
I realized that the glue that makes it hard to leave, beyond technical crap like who owns what and emotional crap like feeling someone else is your responsibility, is the bond of living in the same space, the familiar presence of someone you generally like (that can get so quickly burdensome). It's not a nice realization.
catherine
5-23-15, 11:49am
Here's a test:
Imagine one of those soapy articles on Yahoo about a couple that dies within hours of each other at age 92…
Imagine that's you and your spouse.
What goes through your mind?
Really, being single is not that bad. Some people actually prefer it. :D You get to manage your money and life the way you want, for the most part, and you can always continue your relationship outside of marriage--partner willing, of course.
I actually believe you can have a lot of control over your own money even when you are married and/or in a relationship. I live with my SO, and we have a kid, but we keep our money separate. When we've talked about marriage in the past, I've always made it clear that I would want a pre-nup that stipulates our finances remain separate. We have totally different styles with money, and though we still fight about money occasionally, I find keeping the money separate reduces our fights about money by about 80%. We have our ups and downs, and when I do think we might not last, knowing that our money is separate is such a relief, and it is also a relief to know that staying in the relationship is not a decision that is finances-driven.
Since my parents were divorced and my mom didn't do as well as my dad financially afterwards, I've always felt wary of joining finances with a romantic partner. It always seemed healthier to me to keep finances separate.
An interesting point has been made about those who work in the high intensity fields who are easily or chronically 'bored' with normal living. If your partner is experiencing this scenario, there might sources of assistance in working through this once those individuals retire or try to cope with downtimes. I would think that it would be a hazard dealt with as part of the job but maybe, I am having unrealistic expectations of employment support training.
Might be worth examining, Boss mare, if you want to explore ways of salvaging a difficult situation.
You sound like you really need to get out, boss mare. I hope you can do it--doing it as quickly and simply as you can. You sound past used-up.
I feel for you, boss mare. My DH used to do this a lot in the early days. I found that if I just went about my day, went out, did things with my girlfriends, and did not try to get him to interact with me he would eventually get really bored and be his good self again. Over time, without an audience for the temper tantrum and sulk, this behavior became very rare. To be honest, it still happens on occasion.
I don't know if this is possible for you or if it will help or if you even want to try this. My DH and I have a lot of common interests and he can make me laugh like no one else--so, it's "worth it" to me to put up with some BS. Everyone has to decide individually what makes it "worth it" -- it isn't the same criteria for every woman.
It helps enormously that we, like ejchase, have always had separate finances.
I really really feel for you, because I know exactly what this behavior feels like on the receiving end!
I want to thank everyone here for their advice and insight ... I am not a frequent poster here and yet you all so willing I am still trying to get my mind sorted out...
Gardenarian
5-26-15, 3:13pm
Hey boss mare, I really really understand the frustration of dealing with an immature partner. I don't want out, but I will say that I have always kept our finances separate. My money, my account.
I'm still working on getting my dh to the doctor. He seems to have what is called "Irritable Male Syndrome." And maybe other health issues. Maybe your husband has them too?
I understand getting to a point where you don't care what issues he has, you just want out of the drama.
Anyhow, I hope today is better for you.
organictex
5-26-15, 3:23pm
i think counseling may benefit you two...but it cant be a one way street.
you both need to want the marriage to work. good luck.
jim
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