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margene
6-8-15, 9:53am
Is it bad to dislike someone. This person is very alone. Because of things I know she has said about me behind my back I can't get past it to give her the support she needs. She wants my friendship but based on what she has said she doesn't really like me therefore I don't like her. But then I feel guilty.

CathyA
6-8-15, 10:52am
Hmmm.....that's a hard one. Maybe she's alone because of how she treats people (yourself included)? I think sometimes, for some of us, we feel guilt when we're expecting ourselves to do things we don't really want to do. You know.....like we've been taught to not allow ourselves to feel what we feel, and to act on that.
Is she aware of you being aware that she's talked behind your back? Is she really pushing you to help her? If so, I would be honest and say "that's hard for me because I know what you've said about me in the past, and this just doesn't feel right for me."
Then again, if it's just your guilt driving you and your heart just wouldn't be in it.......then trust your feelings and keep your distance.

kib
6-8-15, 11:55am
1. There's a difference between liking someone, and being compassionate. As long as you are acting with decency, you don't have to violate the boundary of your feelings and there's no need for guilt. Liking people is not a moral obligation.

2. Are you positive about the things she said? Would it be possible to say, "I heard you said such and such about me, and that is making me uncomfortable. What was that all about, Arugula?" If she had an explanation that made sense, or if she apologized, would it make a difference to you?

sweetana3
6-8-15, 12:22pm
What does "she wants my friendship" mean to you? I agree with the other posters and to have friendship one would have to get past what was potentially said.

nswef
6-8-15, 1:50pm
I would not even bother....Life is way too short for that kind of relationship.

iris lilies
6-8-15, 2:48pm
Op, I hope this isn't the woman who is living in your house, paying no rent.

Xmac
6-8-15, 4:35pm
It is bad to dislike someone....it's a bad feeling. As long as I expect approval, love or appreciation from others, I'm a slave to anyone with a mouth. I can't allow my compassion to be lived without thoughts that others shouldn't say something they allegedly did.

If you read the above, you're already "past it", i.e. what she might have said. If you remembered to eat or get your keys or brush your teeth, you were "past it" then too.

"It" is your unquestioned thinking about what she said. Margene, it's simple confusion between reality and thinking.

ApatheticNoMore
6-8-15, 4:52pm
It's hard to imagine her wanting your friendship and not liking you. That doesn't make sense, both can't be true. If she wants your friendship there has to be some affection there. However she could want your friendship and also be an incurable gossip, those could both be true. You don't owe anyone friendship. Would you even want a friend that was only doing it out of guilt?

margene
6-9-15, 10:27pm
Yes this is the woman who is living in my house. And yes I know she said these things. I dont think confronting her is an option. I guess I just have to trust my own feelings. I think she's moving soon.

befree
6-15-15, 11:21pm
It's not "bad" to dislike someone; sometimes it's your gut telling you "Run away!" If I found out somebody who was nice to my face but gossiped about me behind my back - especially if I had let her move in rent-free - I would give her all the support and help I could......right out the front door. And then I would change the locks.

KayLR
6-16-15, 12:25am
Sounds like all possibilities for trust are diminished. When that's gone, it's hard to resurrect or rebuild. How can you have an authentic friendship with someone you don't trust? That's really hard for me, I know. She may only want your friendship as a convenience.

TVRodriguez
6-16-15, 11:04am
I don't like everyone and not everyone likes me. That's just a fact. I don't see it as a bad thing. There is a place for empathy and a place for decluttering, even in relationships. Friendships should feed the souls of both parties, not drain them. Rocky times may happen, but there should be, on balance, more good times than bad.

One thing they taught us amateur counselors when I volunteered at a crisis hotline is this: someone else's sucky life is not your fault. You can listen and be a sounding board, but you did not make their life miserable, and you cannot fix their problems. This seems to apply here.

Sorry you're dealing with this.