View Full Version : Trigger for simplifying?
Forgive me as I am new and this may have been discussed before. But I think there is a trigger in a person's life that makes them interested in simplifying and makes them act on that interest.
Could be divorce, an illness, a death of a loved one, or some other life changing scenario...
The Big Tiny by Dee Williams comes to mind. But other minimalists/voluntary simplicity folks talk about these triggers too.
What was your trigger?
Thanks.
-Jake
To be clear, a trigger could be something positive and amazing -- like backpacking in Costa Rica or a humanitarian trip to Zambia or something like that too, not just divorces and illnesses. haha
It took about 50-years to accumulate what we thought was "important". About a decade to use it (including the Christmas china and the gold-rimmed 12-Days Of Christmas glasses). Now we hope to eliminate the bulk of it before we down-size and retire. Each empty shelf or shelf unit in the basement is getting closer to the goal. We are determined not to have our children go through the craziness we did with our parents and their household "stuff".
Like lessisbest, we've spent much of our lives accumulating things. Then later (50s-60s) I started feeling like I was drowning in "stuff"........books/magazines/VHS tapes/kitchen stuff/files/tools/etc., etc., etc. It's extra hard to get rid of things when you feel some sort of sentimental connection to everything......but feeling like I was drowning in it was definitely an impetus. Plus, cleaning out parents' homes after they die encouraged me to not do the same thing to our kids. We still have a long way to go.......but considering how many trips I've made to various Goodwill-type places/recycling, etc., it HAS to have helped. Onward! :)
I don't have a specific trigger incident, but I was still in my 20's when I decided that corporate America wasn't the funnest place to me (and yet, I'm still there) and that early retirement was a goal. The only way I'd be able to do that is to not spend all of my money.
Of course I did spend money and accumulated things. In theory anyways, I was spending on those things that made me happy and minimizing spending on those things I didn't care about/didn't matter to me. But how many swiss army knives does one need? (just one example of my gadget accumulation) I will never be a minimalist (nor do I aspire to be one) but I do regularly go through and sort so all like items are together and purge the excess. The more I do that, the more I realize how much I already have, and the more I realize that what I really wanted in the first place was the feelings I was anticipating, not the thing. ie I want to feel in control in an emergency, the swiss army knife was just a tool to get there. The more I focus on my abundance and all that, the less I feel the urge to acquire more.
But no way would I ever be under 200 items in my possession. I bow to you.
lessisbest:
I very seriously commend you for thinking of your kids when it comes to dealing with your final curtain call. My parents are both compulsive hoarders. My dad is an instrumental hoarder ("I might need that some day!") and my mom is a sentimental hoarder ("Don't throw away that plastic bag from Wal-Mart. Your grandma used that once.") and they are both borderline animal hoarders. Okay, maybe not so borderline. I have talked to them about right-sizing their lives but they just will not do it. So when they exit stage left, I know there is going to be a massive clean-up that requires hazmat suits. :/
Any insights on dealing with "the craziness" as you put it of dealing with parents' masses of stuff?
They named my sister as executrix of their will because, as my dad put it, "Your brother is a minimalist. He'll probably just give all this sh*t to Goodwill." haha sad-lol
CathyA:
I commend you as well for thinking of your kids. Not many parents do that! You are obviously very forward-thinking.
-Jake
herbgeek:
Minimalism is a personal thing. It looks different to everyone. I am quite impressed by the self-reflection you have employed in this statement: "I want to feel in control in an emergency, the swiss army knife was just a tool to get there."
No bows needed, but thank you.
-Jake
ToomuchStuff
7-7-15, 4:55pm
In my case, I don't believe it was one trigger, I believe I have had many and at some point they all just coalesced in my brain, as a cognitive realization.
The triggers included:
From helping others who were hoarders (floor to ceiling full and clearing out), to shoveling rat excrement out of one location and reclaiming the space.
Dealing with estates (family, friends, etc).
Watching some "downsize" when they actually up-sized and realizing in some cases, their stuff will eventually affect me.
Realizing some of the costs involved, when I myself bought something more then once, and feeling horrible about it.
Nearly loosing everything to the point of planning on living out of my vehicle.
Realizing I understand and feel more comfortable around stuff, then people. And with all the people I know, that I can be in a room full of them, and still feel alone, and not liking that.
Then some of the books I started reading, talking about the dread of getting rid of things and the drain it puts on you and realizing I have felt both.
Whoa... Just whoa... Toomuchstuff...
Those are some powerful insights. I am tempted to ask for more detail.
I seem to have a new trigger every decade. Initially as a teen, I watched a friend get rid of most all of her possessions and that left a mark. Then as a new mom, I began to question the time vs money dilemma. Was it worth it to sit at a desk all day for money if I was missing my child grow up? Then it was the death of father, mother and brother and having to deal with all their stuff afterwards. And now, it is an approaching retirement and a wish to let the past collapse behind me so I can start anew.
pinkytoe:
Eloquent. Thank you.
Herbgeek: three :)
HA! You're a member of the tribe. :)
More than you wanted to know: I do have 3 SAK's: 1 regular, 1 tiny, 1 picnic version, plus 2 Leatherman (one full size, one mini purse size), 2 knockoff multitools, and several other knives. (Opinel for the garden, Sypderco's for the purse). And a swiss army card that looks like a credit card. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone here. LOL.
We were on the front porch knocking on the door of bankruptcy.....HOLD the phone. not me-I got really mad and DH was willing to follow. We instantly became, use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without. We've never looked back. It helps that I'm not a sentimental keeper. IE: I loaned out my wedding dress in our first few years and when I couldn't find anymore borrowers I took it to goodwill so it could get used again. We've been in this houseover 24 years and still have empty space. (Let us not however speak of my quilt stash or hubby's wood stash-not so minimal there...but we work it every year :~)
We had a lot of business debt and I just got tired.
I want to be free to pick up and go. I want experiences over things (I have macular degeneration and risk going legally blind if they don't find more help for this condition). I feel the weight of stuff.
I'm hoping and praying that my husband finds his trigger soon.
Gardnr:
The wedding dress story is a powerful one. Very few women would ever do that! My hat is off to you. :)
Float On:
Those are all very legit triggers! Very compelling.
What do you think would trigger your husband?
Simplemind
7-7-15, 11:09pm
I have always been somewhat of a minimalist. I think it was because collecting/consuming/displaying was all important to my parents. The defining moment for me was deciding to be a single parent and always running worst case scenarios in my head during the first nine months. I liquidated anything that was non essential. I was such a frugal parent that my sister would come over to my house and state that there was no evidence that a child lived there. Joking of course because she ran a daycare and there was nothing but evidence of children all over her house.
There was a point in time that I realized that we had enough and I could relax a little. I found that I really felt better with very little. When I met my future husband it bothered him that my cupboards were somewhat bare and the bulb in the fridge bounced off a few condiments and a jug of milk. I had taken to strapping the kidlet on my back and walking to the store every couple of days. He clearly had Mormon leanings and would always come over with a sack of staples.
I haven't had the heart to post it yet but the last three years have been consumed with the liquidation of my parents estate. The past 6 months has been intense and we just had the estate sale that gutted me emotionally. Every step of the way we swore (like merchant marines) that we would never EVER leave something like this for our children to deal with. That said we put about a quarter of what we owned in the same sale in our first step towards downsizing in the future. The house is now up for sale and getting our lives back seems more than possible.
I have been a simple liver and minimalist my whole life but I didn't always know what it was called, or actually live this way. When I was 21, 2 months into my first real job I started planning for early retirement. Then in '03 I found the Simple Living Forums (in a previous version) and learned that there was a thing called the Simple Living Movement and that other people felt the same way I did. I learned about Financial Integrity and the book Your Money or Your Life. The joy of finding like-minded people was life changing.
In 2008 I got married and tried to live like a "normal" person, who actually owned stuff and "settled down". This didn't work out for me and 4 months ago I admitted to my husband and everyone else that I needed to live differently. I left my marriage and my job, fully embraced minimalism and now don't have to lie to anyone or pretend to be other than I am.
In one word: Vacations. The happiest times in my life have been away from home, because I had only a few "things" keep track of, usually just one bag with clothes, and my camera. I love the simplicity of minimal personal stuff in a hotel room, or a motorhome, or a rented cottage. So I have decided my home needs to be the same. Seven years ago, I downsized from a 1200 sq ft house to a 600 sq ft apartment. I had to fit in here, and lots of things left. I don't even remember them. There are things here now I haven't touched in all those years, slowly they are going. Soon I will move into about 480 sq ft, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Simplemind:
I am facing down a similar situation with my parents' house because they are compulsive hoarders. I am impressed by you all for thinking of your children when that time comes. Any words of wisdom in dealing with what parents leave behind?
Kestra:
I find your response intriguing because some might think that a divorce would be the trigger that turns someone into an SLer or a minimalist. But it seems as though you had something innate that made you a minimalist. The divorce was just something that needed to happen to facilitate your life of minimalism?
mschrisgo2:
Well said! I can really identify with this. I moved from AZ to OH and took a week to do it. I would drive 4 or 5 hours a day, set up my tent, relax, have some food, read, listen to the radio, etc. All simple life stuff. No work. Few obligations. I thought: "Could I make my regular life this simple? Could I at least transpose part of this to my real life?" This was one of my triggers, or perhaps more of an "a-ha!" moment.
480 Sq. Ft.? You are basically in tiny home space now! Nice. :)
Kestra:
I find your response intriguing because some might think that a divorce would be the trigger that turns someone into an SLer or a minimalist. But it seems as though you had something innate that made you a minimalist. The divorce was just something that needed to happen to facilitate your life of minimalism?
Exactly. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find a way to live truly authentically within my marriage and I eventually had to make a choice to preserve myself. I'm still good friends with my ex but now the stumbling points of our lifestyle and political differences aren't an issue without the romantic relationship aspect.
Kestra:
I get it. I really do. Back in 2009 I made a real stab at intentional minimalism. Before that is was largely just de facto minimalism -- I was young, in college, and did not have much money. Though I was never materialistic.
But around 2009 my then life partner and I decided to delve into minimalism together. And for a year or so we were really right-sizing our lives. One day in 2011 she was like: "I don't want to be a minimalist. I want stuff."
By then I was pretty exhausted from having powered through a couple master's degrees and had been working a mentally and emotionally draining job. So I did not put up a fight. I basically said: "Okay, let's get stuff." hahaha
When my marriage ended I spent some time just fishing and reflecting -- nursing the emotional wounds that come with divorce. After about six months though, I just thought: "Hey, I got nobody to answer to. I can live my minimalist dream!"
Purge. Purge. Purge. It was a magical time! And still is...over two years later!
I think I am like most people on here, there were several triggers in my life. But a few stand out. You know?
Teacher Terry
7-8-15, 6:03pm
Cleaning out people's homes after they die really makes you think about what you will leave your kids. I have done this a few times & it was not fun. I started about 15 years ago & it gets easier all the time. NOw we live in 1400 sq ft & i really only kept what I loved. We both work p.t. from home so need 2 offices. WE have lived in smaller (869) when this was not the case. HOwever, we have a large shed & 1 car garage that is full of junk my hubby won't let go of. If he goes first I will get rid of it. If not the kids will be stuck. HOwever, at least the entire house won't be filled to the brim. It is hard enough to lose a parent without having to deal with their stuff while you are in grief. My Mom was awesome when she knew she was dying. She got rid of tons of stuff. She even asked us kids to go through her pics & take what we wanted. When we were done she walked outside & threw her albums in the dumpster. I said wow-is that was life comes down to & she said no big deal-just pics.
I've never been very attached to things per se, but I did spend lots of money on clothes, jewelry, and fun, in my 20's. I sold fine jewelry part-time, and that required a certain look, which I enjoyed putting together. I didn't have any understanding of how hard I was working and how easily I was spending. And then in my late 20's or early 30's I read Your Money Or Your Life, and Wow! From that point the idea of time/work/money just made sense and I've never felt the desire to spend like that again. I married a man who lives very simply by preference, and the rewards have been awesome.
I wanted to retire at age 60 after living within our family income all our married life so minimalism added some further control and I did retire. After DH's passing, I invited the kids to help themselves to whatever they wanted after 18 months of my living on my own, got rid of the rest of the farm machinery etc., and moved into a small new house in town with a small garden and just loving it. Living sustainably with walking everywhere is a great joy.
Ultralight
7-8-15, 10:03pm
Teacher Terry:
Your mom must have been a hell of a woman! Throwing out pics is hard for most people, really hard.
Ultralight
7-8-15, 10:11pm
Razz:
You designed quite a pleasant life for yourself. :)
watergoddess:
A SLer marrying another SLer? Lovely and lucky!
About 20 years ago when I was 27 turning 28, I went through a depression that lasted almost an entire year. Basically all I did was sleep, go to work, sleep, play solitaire, sleep...and cry quite a bit. In an effort to help myself, I started borrowing self-help books from the library; one of them was Your Money or Your Life. My life changed. Since then I've kept track of every dollar spent, not that I was a big spender before, but it seemed to give me more control. This led to simple living, frugality, minimalism, etc.
Back when Beanie Babies were the biggest craze, I remember my coworkers going out during their lunch break to buy them. I owned one and had no desire for more. In the past, that would make me feel a bit left out, but it didn't bother me at all. Nowadays, I'm still behind in most things, like Smartphones, electronics, popular tv shows---I'm just not interested. What I am interested in are things like spending time with my horse, reading, biking, quality entertainment. Not the most popular things to do with other people, but I've always been a bit of a loner anyway.
Before this big change, it felt as if I was just doing what was expected and just following everyone else. Now, I feel like I'm being myself, which may be a bit odd to some, but it's closer to the real me.
Ultralight
7-8-15, 10:47pm
Pony Mom:
Thank you for sharing. That depression was a real trigger then? Profound. I am a loner too, though I am fairly active in my community I still like to spend a lot of solo time. I go fishing alone, canoeing alone, and I often like to take my meals alone too. When I am alone I am never bored. But sometimes other people bore me. Is that bad to say? haha
UltralightAngler, yes that depression was such a life-changing thing that I'd go through it again in the hopes of more positive changes!
I'm rarely bored when alone either. Today I was talking with a coworker, saying that I can't wait to live on my own (live with parents for financial reasons and to help them out). People just really annoy me. I'm probably annoying as well, but who would I complain to?
"It's better to be alone than to wish you were".
Williamsmith
7-9-15, 6:13am
Retirement from my first career at a young age, 51. It took me 11 months to figure out the plan for the rest of my life and 4 years to put it into action. Simplicity became an intricate part of the plan. Less income....less things to take care of....means I got rid of half my personal belongings. They were just a cement block to be chained to anyway. Instead of stuff, I chose people, places and experiences. It was way more work than I imagined. But the early retirement is what triggered it. I still have a little 5x8 storage unit with stuff I can't get rid of but I'm working on it little by little.
Williamsmith:
I am intrigued by that itty-bitty storage unit you have. May I ask (in vague terms) what is in it that is so hard to part with? I too have a few things I am on the fence about keeping or getting rid of, but man...it can be tough to make those choices. You know?
pony mom:
I live with two housemates at the moment. It is not bad because I can take my canoe out on the weekend and be totally alone in nature when I am fishing. Plus. my roommates are really good folks.
Being alone gives me time to recharge, think creatively, relax, make touch decisions, and -- when I do decide to be social -- it helps me to appreciate it. :)
You know what I mean?
I had triggers at various times in my life. I was raised on frugality and the values of work ethic, savings, always pay your CC in full, and be prepared to be independent, do not rely on a husband. Took those words to heart in my first job where I also learned about 401k plans. Became obsessed with contributing to that. So I didn't have a ton leftover for "things", my mother is a semi-hoarder and it drove me nuts. I had the basics, met ex-DH who was good at making a budget but not as good at saving and buying what you need as cheaply as possible. When we divorced, I bought a town home and was darn proud to see just my name on the mortgage statement. I was frugal again for a long time until I could see better where I stood financially with my job and child support. Less frugal again, took yearly vacations, while done as cheaply as possible, in hindsight they cost a lot. I was still frugal, but not enough, did extreme couponing for HBA and profited $1400 to put in the Roth IRA. Stopped that, still cheap but not paying as much close attention to it.
In a twist of fate, my parents and I decided to sell our homes and get a handicapped equipped home for my terminally ill mother, the plan being as she needed me more, it would be easier to be in the same house. Also, DS graduated and is staying with dad and DD is a junior. I had no need for a 20000 sq ft 3 story townhouse. By joining forces, I was left mortgage free after paying my share of this house and bills are split. Out of the blue became ill in the fall, had no reason to think I would be unable to go back to the job I loved, got worse and worse until my position was posted in June and I left the company 5 days short of 23 yrs. I used all my employer's and my vol short term disability and am awaiting Long Term Disability and hopefully, eventually SSDI. So right now I am income-less with a lot going out to Cobra, co-pays and meds.
I do have savings to cover this for now. And I can touch retirement without penalty, I was told by 2 different advisers what I can take each month and never touch the principle, I forget what that is because I am trying to do anything but touch retirement money. So a sudden loss of the ability to work, serious medical issues that keep me from doing a whole heck of a lot, all that triggered the ultimate frugality. Except execution of it is now very difficult. My parents graciously pay food and home taxes. I told my dad, I would be willing to track down the best grocery deals, coupons, etc. But he is the only one who can drive and is having surgery in a few weeks. He feels we are frugal enough on food, fine, not the time to fight this battle.
So this is my ultimate frugal test, stretch savings when there is no income. I pay the TimeWarner bill (tried to drop channels, my dad freaked out, since he is taking care of 2 people, I figure give the man his cable), cell phone- I recently changed to a better plan, not sure if there is better out there, AT&T is honoring my 24% work discount even though I don't work there anymore. But if I leave and come back, I cannot get it again. Then basically all medical stuff which adds up alarmingly quickly. I have not spent one penny on anything but the above that I can think of in many months. Christmas gifts for the kids, their birthdays, no one else is getting presents. Occasional clothes for DD, she is bouncing between both houses, hates seeing me unwell so she needed to go to the ex's more. Understandable, but sad. So neither of us is paying support. But ex has launched a legal battle to gain full custody because DD should not have to be exposed to illness. So even though so far the judge has ruled on hearings in my favor, I still have a costly legal bill over something stupid, let DD decide where she wants to be when. I am not so ill that I am disfigured like the Elephant Man, she may be nervous and we will talk about what is going on. But I don't think we need lawyers and judges to tell us that.
Also, when just starting out, Your Money or Your Life, Affluenza, Financial Planning for Dummies, Jane Bryant Quinn's huge the about just about anything finance related, books on simplicity helped. I have a feeling they will help again
freshstart:
My heart goes out to you. You seem to be in some overwhelming scenarios.
Teacher Terry
7-9-15, 2:15pm
Freshstart: so sorry to hear about the custody battle. YOu should not have to go through this when fighting an illness too. Hugs:))
Williamsmith
7-9-15, 7:46pm
Williamsmith:
I am intrigued by that itty-bitty storage unit you have. May I ask (in vague terms) what is in it that is so hard to part with? I too have a few things I am on the fence about keeping or getting rid of, but man...it can be tough to make those choices. You know?
I used to do a lot of woodworking...things related to that. Also some hunting and fishing related odds and ends, a bin for each kids childhood schoolwork. Tools used around the yard and garden, some of which were owned by my maternal grandfather. And some stuff that came with the condo like extra bamboo flooring and door knobs and hinges. Just plain stuff that seems to have no home but will eventually. At $50 a month rent, I'll get it sorted out. Nothing too interesting there. Mostly craigslist stuff.
Yeah, that fishing stuff is hard to part with. I keep going back and forth about selling or keeping my fishing canoe.
freshstart:
My heart goes out to you. You seem to be in some overwhelming scenarios.
thank you but it always gets better, I'm sorry for the overly long post!
Freshstart: so sorry to hear about the custody battle. YOu should not have to go through this when fighting an illness too. Hugs:))
It's just so stupid and a waste of money for both of us. We've had the same judge since the kids were little and even she is shaking her head at this one. I think at 16, Claire, who is mature, can eventually be told an abbreviated, teen level explanation and she'd be fine. My ex is vindictive and lawsuit happy, he sues over the stupidest stuff, the judge rules for me and all that happens is a waste of money and more ill will. He is the World's Only 60 Year Old Adolescent, maybe I can get him into Guinness! But none of that matters, what matters is he keeps putting the kids through all this nonsense. They end up the losers, not me or my ex and that is really sad.
Teacher Terry
7-10-15, 4:50pm
At age 16 your daughter is old enough to decide for herself. Too bad the ex doesn't see this because it could hurt his relationship long term with his daughter. It also is flushing $ down the toilet. The kids always suffer the most when people act like children.
freshstart
7-10-15, 8:07pm
we've been divorced since 2004, separated 2002. I dutifully read every book about how to co-parent so children are least affected by divorce. For him, it was just a mean, hurtful contest for I don't even know what. I was so naive that I kept believing he would eventually settle down for the kids' sake and just co-parent like normal divorced parents. I STILL make every effort to co-parent via email or calm conversation, I am a fool, lol. If it hasn't happened in 13 yrs, it is never going to happen. He's educated, totally capable of grasping the concept of co-parenting, he just keeps up a battle that none of us win when you come right down to it. It's sad.
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