i made a mistake, anxiety attacks at work now

[Zoe Girl]

i am about at the end of my coping, and i just keep running this in my head. not healthy at all. i basically made a mistake that affects other people and i am not 100% sure it is all my fault but i definitely could have made a choice that totally prevented it. i am going to see the person it affects today, and i would not be surprised if i got a write up over this and it would almost be a relief at this point. there was something i didn't get done last summer similar and i almost got a write up for that as well. i have been having panic attacks that i would get fired for months although i only made mistakes in the last 6 weeks that i would agree are mistakes.

Basically i have been developing a lot of stress about talking to supervisors and the challenging parts of my job are getting harder. i have had a harsh tone used with me over many things all year. i already have a pretty big problem with the last details of any project, i seem to miss a detail (not minor) at least once a year. this year has been more than one. i don't know how to ask for what i need from supervisors without sounding childish or overly sensitive, and i literally do not trust anyone including HR. i want to ask for someone to actually have my monthly meetings with me (instead of skipping them) and walk through the projects with me instead of just going through a checklist of the same things. i am scared if i ask for that not only will i not get it but i will look bad.

i am going to try my best to get through today, and go directly to the person it affects and apologize, and move on. Any wonderful stories of mistakes would be helpful, i pretty much think no one else makes mistakes (or takes ownership for them).

[Radicchio]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I read your other post which seemed to indicate that you had been looking at everything from a calmer perspective and, hopefully, that's alleviating some of the anxiety. I just wanted to say that I respect your honesty and willingness to accept responsibility when appropriate. That is a difficult thing for so many people, and I know I would value an employee who admits an error and moves on over one that protests it's not his or her fault. I do hope the stress at work will reduce over time, although your description of the work environment doesn't sound promising.

[sweetana3]

I am pretty sure that every employee has made mistakes along the way, probably many. I know I did and they affected me and others. However, it has to be balanced with the complexity of the job. My worst mistake (that affected me the most) was being critical of another employee who was playing practical jokes on me and other employees. Instead of resolving it with the employee wasting everyone's time, they moved me into another job. If I had kept my mouth shut and head down, I might still have that job.

Is it possible that in striving, working for, and thinking about getting ahead that the basic details of your current job are not your focus?

With all those others leaving, it is a big clue that management is not at its best and to keep your head down and focus on just what you were hired to do where you were hired to do it. Not a good time to try and show others you can do more. The ones you are trying to impress may not be there tomorrow.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you both, feeling much better now and kinda cringed over writing this post at all. i apologized to one person, he was already quitting, and he seemed pretty casual about it. i am also noting the context this happened in. i tend to forget things (you think?) so i am going to write a small notecard with the basics and have that with me in case i get called into a meeting over this. i will say the last mistake was missing double checking a pay rate with a supervisor, and i called her on it. i wrote a proposal for summer camp in february or march, by the deadline, and after 4 or more weeks of asking for feedback or approval i had to go to her supervisor and ask for approval because my partner for this camp was already promoting. i know better than to send out promotions without approvals. in any case i told her calmly that no one read the proposal and in the proposal i had the pay rate listed and as part of the budget. i am not sure how that went, i didn't get a write up, but i still think it could count against me.

this entire year has been on the edge of feeling bullied! i looked up some information and it is on the edge of qualifying as workplace bullying. i read the characteristics of this and it is so similar, and i had this happen at another job which i left as a result. something like 78% of people leave their jobs who are bullied. but i took some comfort in that the description of the bullied person is well liked, technically skilled (sometimes better than supervisor), independent and more generally positive qualities. the advice was not however to run to supervisors or HR necessarily. one of my plans beside documenting how i feel my questions were not answered, i was given regular conflicting information, the tone used with me was harsh and that i did not get my regular meeting is to connect more with people. it helps to not look so much like a loner. and BTW, i forwarded one of the typical e-mails i get from my supervisors to this colleague because it answered a question we had and was relevant. his comment the next day was that it was really harsh. i didn't do it to show that i was being picked on but because i really couldn't push anymore on the topic without getting in trouble at that point.

i agree with putting my head down and just working on improvement. it is so negative. they just announced the most recent promotion, last big meeting he seriously used the f-word. another meeting we were asking him to create a form a specific way and he said it was too difficult, but he said 'if you want it that way i refuse to do it'. he will probably fit in just fine.

[Zoe Girl]

oh yeah, and in the spirit of mindfulness and buddhism i am using this as a lesson in humility when others(including bosses) make mistakes.

[ApatheticNoMore]

this entire year has been on the edge of feeling bullied! i looked up some information and it is on the edge of qualifying as workplace bullying. i read the characteristics of this and it is so similar

it sure sounds that way to me. It's a PTSD situation and you're always wondering if another bomb will go off, or like a battered wife wondering if your going to get beaten tonight. But it's only a job, not war or marriage :~). Yes, and you spend how many hours a week there? Come to think of it that may be part of it, the excessive hours in *that* environment may be making it worse as it's even less time you are truly in a safe (non abusive) environment when your body and mind can just chill, recoup, process, and forget the situation enough to try to process it emotionally. When your with the kids it's not stressful by itself so maybe that provides that relief, but even then since it is your working environment, are you waiting for the next bomb to fall?

[freshstart]

this sounds horribly stressful, I'm sorry you are in this position. My only advice is to document, document, document. Have dated documents so when anything comes back to bite you in the ass, you at least have that. Have you given any thought into leaving? It just sounds like such an unpleasant environment where you have to spend so much of your time.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, i think i can manage it because i get most of my time at my own site with my own kids and staff, they are all pretty wonderful. this summer camp project however really made this possible, other areas they pretty much leave me alone or i can manage it because i have confidence. So i realized in reading your comments that really it is this project and not the entire job that is the bully situation. yeah!

today i had to go shopping for my program and since so many people have quit my supervisor was the one with the official credit card who met 10 of us at the store. Most of the sites can pretty much buy what they want but under a grant it is very specific. i asked if i had to separate the food from other items and she knew nothing about that. i have been separating items for 3 years so we ended up doing that since she didn't know. But she was really nice in her tone when she asked if i had ever done it that way. She simply doesn't know grants and hasn't been taught much of that.

[Selah]

Zoe, I'm sorry you're going through this. Everyone makes mistakes at work, and it's good you're both documenting it and taking responsibility for it with the parties affected by it. I know what it's like to work in an HSSJ--it really messes with your head, your health, and your relationships. You asked for stories about mistakes at work, and I'll tell you about one that just happened today. Last week, DH got a writing job with a foreign firm, writing articles for their various websites. They sent him an online article, and said, "rewrite this--don't do any of your own reporting, just rewrite it." He read it once, got the gist of it, and then wrote his article. Yesterday, on his birthday no less, he gets an email from the company saying "our plagiarism software says 80% of your article is not original--we only accept 30% non-original material. We can't accept your article and won't pay you for it."

DH fretted and fretted, knowing darn well that he didn't plagiarize anything. I advised him to contact the client and see if he could have access to the software they were using, because something was obviously amiss. The lady complied, and when he actually read the description about how the software worked and checked his own article with it, he realized it was just fine and far exceeded their standards.

He emailed the lady and explained that she had misinterpreted the results. Which means, of course, she'd been misinterpreting every writer's results until now, and only publishing articles from freelancers that were highly plagiarized! DH said he could feel the lady's blood draining from her face, since in her initial refusal of his article she'd written something like, "We've had terrible legal problems because we've published articles that are plagiarized and violate copyright laws, so now we use software to make sure everything's fine before we publish it."

Oops! Now she's going to have to tell her boss about why she's going to have to trawl the internet and pull down all those articles they've already paid for by other writers, then recommission--and pay for--them again.

[Zoe Girl]

oh dear, that is terrible for her. And sometimes all you can do for someone is not make it worse by a friendly tone and attitude. hopefully she has a boss who will understand that it was an honest mistake. i think confidence in our work really helps, right now what helps is that so many people are gone and i get to make a fresh start with a lot of new supervisors and admin. the debacle of the homeless family bill may finally go in the past!! (btw i was not at fault i just had a hard time letting go)