how to help someone stop trying to analyze people without doing the same

[Zoe Girl]

i feel deep compassion for a friend, sometimes almost pity and that is not a good way to feel about someone you respect. there is such a drama in her life, and she could have done some things different but really she does not deserve this crap. so it was a great relationship until he moved on and got married. he keeps calling her as a friend and then they end up sleeping together. (brand new wife lives in a foreign country). Not a great thing, but i am the non-judging friend out of everyone so i just listen and listen for when i can point out she is hurting or not respecting herself.

the actual annoying thing is that she has the same pattern as with her ex-husband. She tries to figure out what their problems are and then overcompensates or directly tells them things. so our conversations are not about what a lying bastard he can be but more about how he doesn't love himself and how she tells him he is living a lie but she still wants to figure it out. My scorpio sense (also because i am not bonded to him) is to kick his bum, i could verbally decimate the guy.

so today i encouraged her to stick to strong I statements, and said that pointing out his issues was not helping him but seem to be hurting her. whatever the cause of his actions she could only stick to what effect it had on her, and setting her limits. all this while i am also tempted to point out the traumas she has been through in the last 6 months and how she may need healing and a counselor. i do set my limits and monitor my energy level, however about once a month i may need to just air this out before going back to it.

[freshstart]

since she analyzes everything so much, I'd suggest couple's counseling to get a professional's input. He'll hear "couple's counseling?" and run for the hills, kind of hard to do therapy when you are married to someone else.

[Zoe Girl]

yes, she analyzes but he doesn't. i actually recommended no contact. She was the legitimate girlfriend when he found this other lady after all. really weird situation.

actually last night she called to ask if she crossed the line in something she did. and i said yes, and if it was a one time action based on the total craziness of the situation then take it as learning about where she was in hurt and anger. if doing this kind of thing continues then she really needs to stop because she is choosing to answer the phone when he calls. i still encouraged everything from a perspective of taking care of herself rather than figuring out the other person's damage. i can say i spent years focused more on other people than simply saying that something was not okay with me. i saw it as caring to be concerned about their life trauma, and i collected some hurt puppies. so i know it is a process to change this.

[iris lilies]

i feel deep compassion for a friend, sometimes almost pity and that is not a good way to feel about someone you respect. there is such a drama in her life, and she could have done some things different but really she does not deserve this crap. so it was a great relationship until he moved on and got married. he keeps calling her as a friend and then they end up sleeping together. (brand new wife lives in a foreign country). Not a great thing, but i am the non-judging friend out of everyone so i just listen and listen for when i can point out she is hurting or not respecting herself.

the actual annoying thing is that she has the same pattern as with her ex-husband. She tries to figure out what their problems are and then overcompensates or directly tells them things. so our conversations are not about what a lying bastard he can be but more about how he doesn't love himself and how she tells him he is living a lie but she still wants to figure it out. My scorpio sense (also because i am not bonded to him) is to kick his bum, i could verbally decimate the guy.

so today i encouraged her to stick to strong I statements, and said that pointing out his issues was not helping him but seem to be hurting her. whatever the cause of his actions she could only stick to what effect it had on her, and setting her limits. all this while i am also tempted to point out the traumas she has been through in the last 6 months and how she may need healing and a counselor. i do set my limits and monitor my energy level, however about once a month i may need to just air this out before going back to it.
She is very comfortable where she is. She "deserves" it because she likes it. She likes placing the "blame" on the other guy as evidenced by her fondness for armchair analysis of her partners. There's a little power trip in one-upping someone else through picking apart their motivations. Through that she can feel superior to the men in her life.

while that's simplistic, it's also largely true. You have pointed out that's her pattern, that's who she is.

in some cases having a friend with benefits is easier than maintaining a real relationship so she may like that aspect.

and your role in this might be to accept that she is here because she wants to be here.

my preference for having friends is to assume they are grownup people who are living the authentic life they wish to lead. I am easily bored with those in the throes of drama that makes them unhappy because I think drama is such a waste of time, it stands in the way of an authentic, contented life.

[iris lilies]

Zoe, also I think it's fine to feel a little pity for a friend for just ONE aspect of her life that seems to be out of whack with true contentment.

Dont we all feel a little discomfort or even pity for ourselves for our own shortcomings? I know that I do.

there are several issues at any one time in my life that are holding me back from taking the actions I want to take, I am always working on something, Dammit! Haha. We are all a work in progress.

it sounds as though your overall friendship is worthwhile fior you. That your friend has a piece of her life in need of fixing shouldn't spoil the entire relationship, that is, unless all she does is talk about her boyfriend's shortcomings. That would make for a dull, one sided relationship.

[razz]

I agree with IL. It is working for her and she has something to talk about that puts her at the centre of the action. The only decision that you have is how you will respond - withdraw the audience that you provide, set boundaries on the reports you get from her or tolerate the drama for whatever you get out of the friendship.

[freshstart]

my preference for having friends is to assume they are grownup people who are living the authentic life they wish to lead. I am easily bored with those in the throws of drama that makes them unhappy because I think drama is such a waste of time, it stands in the way of an authentic, contented life.

exactly this. Drama for drama's sake is a huge time and energy suck, even if you just have to listen to it. So she would probably drive me nuts, unless she is able to truly participate in the give and take of female friendships.

[Karma]

Why not just stay out of it? It isn't your life or problem, you can't fix other people.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, i know she and i have bonded many times over wanting an authentic life. As it turns out this was a pit stop on the way, who of us has not had one of those? And pretty shortly after this she got to no-contact and looking at ways she could not get into this again. So i am really proud of her (she is by no means a drama just for the sake of drama person, this is not the only large stress in her life). So i feel good about being the listening friend she knew she could come back to at any time. she was so there for me so many times, and i feel like sharing a little here took the pressure off so i could be a better friend.

so recently she went hiking with a friend and fell down and had 2 bandaids with her! aack, i am sending her a first aid kit (maybe one to her friend also). Hiking in mountains in a western state without a full first aid kit, well this is one thing i can do for her, silly as it is. i am kinda a nut for first aid kits

[freshstart]

it sounds like you thoroughly assessed your relationship and found it sound. That can only be a good thing, right?