Divorced or broken up over SL?

[Ultralight]

Anyone been divorced because of simple living? Anyone broken up over minimalism?

Just curious. Thoughts?

[Kestra]

Anyone been divorced because of simple living? Anyone broken up over minimalism?

Just curious. Thoughts?

I can't recall exactly what I've told you to this point, so you may be already aware, but this was part of it. Certainly not entirely due to SL/minimalism, but it was a factor.

[Ultralight]

I was wondering about that because it says you joined this forum in 2010, but didn't you just divorce within the past year?

[iris lilies]

A friend's marriage broke up after 5 years and "stuff" was one of the contributing factors.he was a minimalist, she collects stuff and fills every surface with it. He couldn't live with it all.

not surprisingly, she is also always broke. While she doesn't make a lot of money, she does make enough to not live on the edge as she does. She's a very nice person but just stupid about money. We recently sent her a gift of a few hundred bucks when she found herself in a situation that needed immediate fixing for her dogs.

Shes one one of the ones I thought about in your thread about one person to introduce to SL.

[freshstart]

A few years after my divorce, I had a 7 year relationship with a truly good hearted man. We lived an hour apart. We had kids the same age, neither of us wanted to uproot them. So we never co-habitated, we planned to do that once our kids were launched. He bought a small home. He led me to believe he was a saver, lived frugally. As the years went by, it became abundantly clear we were not similar money or possessions wise.

His house just became more and more stuffed to the gills, not full blown hoarder but too close for my comfort. He never got rid of anything, even his kids clothes from 5 yrs before. I swear, he kept every single piece of paper that ever crossed his door. The kitchen had too many falling piles of papers to work around. The table could never be sat at for a meal. He had lots of collections, never organized them or culled them, just kept adding. Piles and piles of laundry always in the FR. I swear, I could not sleep because of all the crap he had in the BR.

Then financially , I learned more, he did I think it's called an interest-only mortgage. So he was just paying interest, never anything towards the principle. And somehow he could also pay bills from this account, IDK, didn't know details, but it did not sound good. He liquidated his retirement funds to pay bills. He was struggling to stay afloat but bought "deals" online constantly. Bought a brand new SUV with nothing down. He was 9 yrs older than me, so this kind of all freaked me out, because he clearly had no long term plan or had given up on it. And he was in this mess despite making double what I make and he had 50% custody so he paid no support.

We were petering out from driving back and forth so much and the kids started having weekend activities neither of us wanted to miss. So I let it die a slow miserable death, he was such a nice guy, I couldn't bear to say, "buddy, we are total opposites, your house filled with crap makes me want to run screaming into the night and your plan for college and retirement does not appear to exist. We can never live together because I'd be stuffing garbage bags for Goodwill the second you fall asleep." Oh and we had fights that my very abused shelter dog, best dog I've ever had, slept at the end of the bed. He thought that was "filthy", from the man who had not mopped or vacuumed in a year because you could not see the floor to do it, bathroom so bad it's a good thing I cannot see with my glasses off when showering. Oddly, Bernice was the only thing we ever actually had an argument about (except vicious political jabs). She is clean, low shedder, never ever misbehaves but people scare her. That this sick, beaten down dog, who just cowered in the corner of her shelter cage, was ever willing to trust a human again was a miracle, and I am her "person". She is glued to me and you will be booted out of my bed before she ever is.

So that's kind of what happened, very, very slowly he got that I was no longer willing to make a plan to co-pilot a life with him. We never discussed it, just an amicable, "I think we've run our course." Bernice sleeps at the top now, head on her own pillow and I am so relieved I dodged that bullet. Everyone loved him, honestly a true blue guy, few understood that I'd rather be alone then totally compromise my lifestyle and financial goals. I think a lot of people stick around for love (yes, we loved each other) hoping the issues will get better. If after 7 yrs, the debt is bigger and so are the piles of crap, the issues are not going to get better without serious help. And I'm just not down for that, especially when one party is oblivious that there even are issues.

[Ultralight]

A few years after my divorce, I had a 7 year relationship with a truly good hearted man. We lived an hour apart. We had kids the same age, neither of us wanted to uproot them. So we never co-habitated, we planned to do that once our kids were launched. He bought a small home. He led me to believe he was a saver, lived frugally. As the years went by, it became abundantly clear we were not similar money or possessions wise.

His house just became more and more stuffed to the gills, not full blown hoarder but too close for my comfort. He never got rid of anything, even his kids clothes from 5 yrs before. I swear, he kept every single piece of paper that ever crossed his door. The kitchen had too many falling piles of papers to work around. The table could never be sat at for a meal. He had lots of collections, never organized them or culled them, just kept adding. Piles and piles of laundry always in the FR. I swear, I could not sleep because of all the crap he had in the BR.

Then financially , I learned more, he did I think it's called an interest-only mortgage. So he was just paying interest, never anything towards the principle. And somehow he could also pay bills from this account, IDK, didn't know details, but it did not sound good. He liquidated his retirement funds to pay bills. He was struggling to stay afloat but bought "deals" online constantly. Bought a brand new SUV with nothing down. He was 9 yrs older than me, so this kind of all freaked me out, because he clearly had no long term plan or had given up on it. And he was in this mess despite making double what I make and he had 50% custody so he paid no support.

We were petering out from driving back and forth so much and the kids started having weekend activities neither of us wanted to miss. So I let it die a slow miserable death, he was such a nice guy, I couldn't bear to say, "buddy, we are total opposites, your house filled with crap makes me want to run screaming into the night and your plan for college and retirement does not appear to exist. We can never live together because I'd be stuffing garbage bags for Goodwill the second you fall asleep." Oh and we had fights that my very abused shelter dog, best dog I've ever had, slept at the end of the bed. He thought that was "filthy", from the man who had not mopped or vacuumed in a year because you could not see the floor to do it, bathroom so bad it's a good thing I cannot see with my glasses off when showering. Oddly, Bernice was the only thing we ever actually had an argument about (except vicious political jabs). She is clean, low shedder, never ever misbehaves but people scare her. That this sick, beaten down dog, who just cowered in the corner of her shelter cage, was ever willing to trust a human again was a miracle, and I am her "person". She is glued to me and you will be booted out of my bed before she ever is.

So that's kind of what happened, very, very slowly he got that I was no longer willing to make a plan to co-pilot a life with him. We never discussed it, just an amicable, "I think we've run our course." Bernice sleeps at the top now, head on her own pillow and I am so relieved I dodged that bullet. Everyone loved him, honestly a true blue guy, few understood that I'd rather be alone then totally compromise my lifestyle and financial goals. I think a lot of people stick around for love (yes, we loved each other) hoping the issues will get better. If after 7 yrs, the debt is bigger and so are the piles of crap, the issues are not going to get better without serious help. And I'm just not down for that, especially when one party is oblivious that there even are issues.

Whoa! That is a heck of story. Thank you for sharing. Sorry it did not end well, but it could have been so much worse, as you noted. Also: From what you describe, I would venture to say that man had Compulsive Hoarding Disorder.

[freshstart]

a little on the LONG side, sorry! It did end well, we both took our toys and went home, no drama, no fighting. I guess I never wanted to call him a hoarder because I think of those shows where people have not been able to use their toilet for years and if you pick up a newspaper, a rat crawls out. But yeah, hoarder, 187 Grateful Dead t-shirts that will never fit you again and are "stored" on your BR floor, that's a hoarder.

[Ultralight]

There are 187 Grateful Dead fans who those shirts would fit somewhere out there. Why not let them enjoy and wear the shirts!?

[freshstart]

because that would be a Grateful Dead Sin of the first order. He had 19 large Rubbermaid totes with cassettes that were recorded Dead shows.

I once kicked the pile of shirts and said, "I do not sew but I will learn just to make you 187 Dead throw pillows because at least they'd have a purpose." This too, is a Sin.

[Ultralight]

Methinks Jerry would be cool with giving the shirts away!

[freshstart]

agreed, now you go tell SuperFan that you are taking his 187 shirts away. Bring a weapon

[Ultralight]

I would never tell anyone they had to get rid of "their" stuff.

But I do think hoarding resources is indirectly stealing from the needy. I am a radical, I know. haha

[freshstart]

Yeah, I know not to do that from dealing with my mom. You can give a little nudge, offer to help but, ok I guess I have to use the word, hoarders have to feel empowered in order to accomplish getting rid of the littlest thing and they want to make that decision. That's just my personal experience with my mom and ex-DBF.

I can never have a relationship again with a hoarder, because honestly even if they are "good" for a while, they usually relapse, and I view it as a problem that needs a therapist's intervention. And they are a trigger for me, I NEED to get them to go through their stuff. Not a good match. And I need to be somewhat on the same page regarding finances. How a potential partner chooses to spend their money is none of my business. But if it gets serious, I think knowing how they handle money is important. If someone has funded as well as possible for the future and they buy "toys" because they can still afford to, that doesn't bother me, not my choice but I could have a long term relationship with such a person. If they have debt beyond reason, do not stop buying, save nothing, have some weird mortgage they draw money from, this does not work for me. Life is too short to knowingly engage with someone with a lifestyle (hoarding) or financial plan that goes against you values

[Ultralight]

Yeah, I know not to do that from dealing with my mom. You can give a little nudge, offer to help but, ok I guess I have to use the word, hoarders have to feel empowered in order to accomplish getting rid of the littlest thing and they want to make that decision. That's just my personal experience with my mom and ex-DBF.

I can never have a relationship again with a hoarder, because honestly even if they are "good" for a while, they usually relapse, and I view it as a problem that needs a therapist's intervention. And they are a trigger for me, I NEED to get them to go through their stuff. Not a good match. And I need to be somewhat on the same page regarding finances. How a potential partner chooses to spend their money is none of my business. But if it gets serious, I think knowing how they handle money is important. If someone has funded as well as possible for the future and they buy "toys" because they can still afford to, that doesn't bother me, not my choice but I could have a long term relationship with such a person. If they have debt beyond reason, do not stop buying, save nothing, have some weird mortgage they draw money from, this does not work for me. Life is too short to knowingly engage with someone with a lifestyle (hoarding) or financial plan that goes against you values

You know yourself well and your relationship style/quirks. So I gotta hand it to ya!

For me I think that the very act of a partner being really into buying toys or even collecting something would bother me. I am not saying no one should ever buy a toy or that no one should ever collect anything. I am just saying for me to life partner with a toy-buyer or a collector would not be good. I think it would indicate some personality concerns that would not sit right with me.

[freshstart]

For me I think that the very act of a partner being really into buying toys or even collecting something would bother me. I am not saying no one should ever buy a toy or that no one should ever collect anything. I am just saying for me to life partner with a toy-buyer or a collector would not be good. I think it would indicate some personality concerns that would not sit right with me.

that's true, what I mean is I cannot live with someone who buys the toys before having their financial house in order and takes on debt for things totally unnecessary. Toys, possessions, McMansions, fancy cars would and did make me uncomfortable in other brief relationships, despite knowing they had the means. On dates, I had to offer to pay, even though the place we chose was not budget friendly. I felt guilty not paying my way. One BF said finally, "It bothers me that you try to insist on paying. This is a date, not trade negotiations. It's my pleasure to take you out and I hate having this discussion every time." Never thought of that and he was fun, mismatched values, but fun in the short term. Even if my salary doubled or tripled, toys, humongous home for two people, etc., would not be what I choose to do with my money. So let's cross another whole group of men off my wish list, lol. I'm gonna be left with one male left who chose to live simply, the Unabomber. When's he getting out? Is his cabin still available?

[Chicken lady]

Ultralightangler, you commented earlier that you worried about getting overly involved with a hoarder. I think that you probably don't need to worry about that. If when you are getting to know the person, they don't want to discuss what they enjoy or let you see where they live, I think you can call it a red flag and move on. I have a feeling that your lifestyle and a discussion about values are going to be front and center very early in a relationship.

I think that's good - you don't want to waste time with someone who wants totally different things. (when I was dating I always told guys I wanted 6 kids. I didn't get 6 kids, but the idea didn't scare dh off.)

[Ultralight]

6 kids?! That is a lot.

[Chicken lady]

See all that time we didn't waste dating? Lol!

[Ultralight]

See all that time we didn't waste dating? Lol!

Hahaha! Yeah. Best to lead with your dealbreakers. ;)

[mschrisgo2]

"Broken up because of simple living..." Well, yes, that really the issue. Remember your thread about triggers for simplifying, and I said mine was Vacations? Well, my partner at the time was, and still is, a hoarder. We had a 23 foot Class A motorhome that we bought from a junk yard for $1K and rebuilt. It was the perfect size for camping and traveling and touring; we could park it anywhere. I loved the simplicity of it, we had exactly what we needed, and no more.

But he had to have more, and bought a new 30 footer, a "basement" model. Not nearly as comfortable and practical, but he had all that space to stash more junk, and he filled every square inch. The worst part was that Nobody was allowed to use "his" stuff, so it was just taking up space. And in true hoarder fashion, he could not part with anything. To me, that defeated the whole purpose of our simple camping/traveling lifestyle for several months of the year. After one very frustrating 10 day trip, wherein his 6 yr old grandson actually Used one of the 9 (!!) sets of markers and we had drama about it for days, when we got home, I found another place and moved, actually rather quickly. I just didn't want to live that way any more.

[Ultralight]

So you broke up or just moved out?

[mschrisgo2]

I moved out, he said that meant we broke up. I was just, like, "what--ev--er!!"
As I said, I was totally fed up, with the hoarding, but mostly the attitude- no sharing, no sense of community, etc. That was 20+ years ago, I still see him and extended family around there occasionally, and he has not changed a bit. He's a lot like my mother, who also values "stuff" over people/relationships. I am just the opposite, I'm happiest when I have something that I can share with others.

[Ultralight]

I moved out, he said that meant we broke up. I was just, like, "what--ev--er!!"
As I said, I was totally fed up, with the hoarding, but mostly the attitude- no sharing, no sense of community, etc. That was 20+ years ago, I still see him and extended family around there occasionally, and he has not changed a bit. He's a lot like my mother, who also values "stuff" over people/relationships. I am just the opposite, I'm happiest when I have something that I can share with others.

Thanks for sharing your story. I kind of feel bad for the guy when you describe him in those ways. But it is obviously best that you moved on from him.