my funny kid

[Zoe Girl]

so my oldest is kinda a funny person, okay most of the time she can get under my skin like no one else. But tonight i called her as i was driving by her house and she answered. i offered to have her over for tacos but she was already eating. i talked to her about craft fairs and sharing booths. she is super talented but an artistic type that does not get all the details well. So i bug. the BIG issue, dental care. I have conniption fits (can you still have those) over her lack of dental care, with insurance and with my offer to pay for work. it has been 3 years, she has had the beginning of gum disease and our entire family has a tendancy to need a lot of dental care.

So i told her that if she is broke (happens often) she can make a quick $100 by going to the dentist. She really didn't believe that i would pay her $100 to go to the dentist but i will. So she told her boyfriend and he said he believed i woudl do it but that she wouldn't go to the dentist. Ha! i don't really want to be right, haven't made any impact in the last 3 years so what can it hurt.

i am putting $100 cash aside just to make sure i am not broke when she goes, i have such hope!

[freshstart]

oh, I have something that might help. There is a Cigna discount plan, you pay not much for a year's membership. And if you use a participating dentist, you get a discount. It have saved my parents tons. Most elderly do not have a dental plan so I would give them the information and those that used it said it worked out well for them. I can get you the number to call in the morning, just let me know

[iris lilies]

Zoe, does she have a dentist phobia? Is it possible she does have a phobia and you don't know about it?

If so, does your family dentist administer nitrous gas for work, even cleaning? That might tempt her even more.

[miradoblackwarrior]

Meaning no disrespect, but isn't she an adult now? It took me a long time, when I was on my own, to find, and go to, a dentist I liked. Too many sadistic hygenists in my past. They liked blood!
Susan

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, she has decent dental insurance, the cleaning i am asking her to go to is free and the dentist is familiar and local. She will be 25 this month, So she is just living in E-land as we say. She did joke about having a phobia but it was a joke, honestly i think that people don't believe me when i tell them some of her quirks, her younger sister just went to the dentist alone, has gone to the dr as needed, even arranged her own tonsil surgery with minimal support. i am pretty sure E wouldn't or couldn't take care of these things without help. So my mom always said to pick your battles and i pick the teeth!

[rodeosweetheart]

But I am not sure you can pick any battles with her anymore, since she is an adult.

I tried to do same sort of thing with my adult son (21 ish) to get him to go back and take college classes, I'd pay--no dice.

I decided I was wrong; it was a boundary violation, and I had to let him grow up. I wouldn't call another adult and offer to pay them to do things--John Beresford Tifton I am not!

[Zoe Girl]

oh i don't know John Beresford Tifton, sounds kinda weird.

there are likely some lower level mental health issues with all my kids, anxiety depression and with this one ADD poster child! So since she does call me or her dad now and then for help as she gets started in life i decided to tell her an easy way to make $100. Maybe some day she will get broke enough to make a free appointment. easier than donating blood!

[rodeosweetheart]

He was that guy in the old tv show that went around giving strangers a million dollars, but the show was actually before my time, so I am not sure the recipients actually had to do anything.

[iris lilies]

I think it's fine for moms to urge a few things, a few. Going to the dentist would be one of the things on my short list.

[rodeosweetheart]

Iris and ZG, it wasn't the urging--of course you would to that--it was the 100 dollar bribe that I thought might be over the line, at least for me. But ZG is right, every kid is different.
Interestingly, my kid that I tried to bribe about college was also ADD. So is his twin. So is my husband. So I have a lot of sympathy and many shared experiences with financial type ADD stuff.

My one son in high school got a great after school job and then did not want to open a checking account--wanted me to cash his check and give him the money.
I said , no , you gotta do this yourself.

So avoiding financial stuff is definitely an ADD thing.

And dental phobia is huge--I have it, and it is really awful, and you might suggest looking for a sedation dentist--but they are very expensive, and some are better than others.

I hate going to the dentist.

[iris lilies]

Iris and ZG, it wasn't the urging--of course you would to that--it was the 100 dollar bribe that I thought might be over the line, at least for me.

oh i know, but even a small bribe like this seems ok for this.

My my mother bribed my brother to not smoke. If he made it to the age of 25 without smoking, he got $5,000. That worked, he doesn't smoke. I don't actually know if he got this money because I was long out of my parents' house by then (and smoking :)) but I assume she was good for it.

Bribes can can bring results, especially in this case, a one time event for which ZG's daughter has to exert effort only one time.

[iris lilies]

Iris and ZG, it wasn't the urging--of course you would to that--it was the 100 dollar bribe that I thought might be over the line, at least for me. But ZG is right, every kid is different.
Interestingly, my kid that I tried to bribe about college was also ADD. So is his twin. So is my husband. So I have a lot of sympathy and many shared experiences with financial type ADD stuff.

My one son in high school got a great after school job and then did not want to open a checking account--wanted me to cash his check and give him the money.
I said , no , you gotta do this yourself.

So avoiding financial stuff is definitely an ADD thing.

And dental phobia is huge--I have it, and it is really awful, and you might suggest looking for a sedation dentist--but they are very expensive, and some are better than others.

I hate going to the dentist.

sedation dentists very expensive? My dentist charges only--I think it's-- $10,but maybe $20 extra for nitrous. Until two years ago he didn't charge extra at all.

[Zoe Girl]

if i thought she really had a phobia i would do that, she doesn't. she sailed through her wisdom teeth and the dry socket after that. Not fun but not phobic. She just has the ADD get things done issue, sigh. i struggle too but if it wasn't for her boyfriend she would be in serious trouble. i can't have her live with me, no way, no how!

My mom has helped me out over the years when i earned almost nothing in this job. t often came with some type of condition such as when i paid $400 a month for the kids' insurance, or that it was so i would get a car issue checked.

thanks for understanding the ADD family!

[kib]

Might it work better if you made two dental appointments and just did it as part of an outing, like getting a pedicure together? I have to admit if my Mom had tried that I would have seen right through it, but if nothing else it should give you a better idea of whether this is truly an I Don't Want To Do This, possibly boundary or fear related issue, or just absentminded procrastination.

[freshstart]

But I am not sure you can pick any battles with her anymore, since she is an adult.

I tried to do same sort of thing with my adult son (21 ish) to get him to go back and take college classes, I'd pay--no dice.

I decided I was wrong; it was a boundary violation, and I had to let him grow up. I wouldn't call another adult and offer to pay them to do things-

DS pulled the rug out from under me when he said he was taking a year off before college, I calmed down and accepted it was only a year. Then he decided next year he is taking a year long program to be a luthier (make/fix guitars), he would still have no degree and a skill that I doubt is in high demand, maybe I'm wrong. I was having my doubts that he would end up having the life I wanted him to have, easier than what he is planning. Then we had lunch, he's in a good place, he has a plan and goals and whatever I think about those does not matter, he is an adult. That was a wake up call. I would not tell another adult how to lead their life and he should be no different (unless his path appears dangerous). And admitting fully that he is an adult, took away a lot of the anxiety I had about his future.