Your Pivotal Moments

[kib]

When pretending I can play God with my own life, I occasionally look back and think wow, if I could have stepped in at that particular moment, maybe just for ten minutes, things would be so different. "Hey, self, let's go get a cup of coffee before we hit the Automart." The places where chains of events seemed to begin. That first reluctant date with a dubious high school boyfriend who, in retrospect, changed my entire educational path - not for the better. Another who I'd never have met if I hadn't stopped to look at a used car who basically set the last 20 years of my life in the direction it went. The trip I took on a whim that also changed my life path, in a really good way. If you had to pick out three or four moments that shaped your life, what would they be? Would you wish them gone, or do you feel extreme gratitude and happiness that they happened?

[Ultralight]

Kib:

Great questions here. I'd like to hear some more detail of the stories above that you mentioned.

Here are three of my events:

1. Choosing not to drink -- When I was a kid I tried a beer. I had just gotten suspended from school for fighting. I was 14 years old and I thought "Maybe I should drink my troubles away." So I took a few sips. It smelled horrible and tasted like poison. I thought about it again and said to myself: "This is the weak way out. I'd rather tough it out authentically." Never a sip since. I did not even get a buzz from the few sips I took that day.

2. Enrolling in college: This cascaded into the best years of my life. I met so many cool people, had amazing experiences studying abroad, taking road trips, learning in classes, writing for the newspaper, meeting women, exploring the inner and outer edges of my identity. I liked it so much I went to grad school to do some more! haha

3. Adopting my dog: Harlan has made me a kinder, more compassionate person. He has helped me to increase my patience and be more nurturing.

There are more pivotal moments in my life, I am sure. But these three jumped out at me at the moment.

[TxZen]

1. Joining the military. BEST decision I ever made. I wanted OUT of small town CT, where I felt stifled. It has led to my love of light living and travelling and always being up for adventure. I cringe when I think what would have happened if I had stayed. UGH!!!
2. Taking what I thought was THE THE THE job, at the apex of my healthcare career. It has taught me never to compromise my ethics and who I am as a person, no matter how pretty the package looks on the outside.
3. Always trying to do good and teaching that to my son. Even if we get slapped in the face a few times, I won't give up on people being good at heart. Never!!
4. Quitting 20 years of a career, that looked good on paper and to the outside world to become a teacher. MAJOR leap of faith!!! I have a found a whole new love of life and the excitement of everyday learning.
5. NOT staying with a "boyfriend" who was cheating on me. Having the confidence to call him out and not let him run my mind. He truly was starting to be controlling and I am grateful I went my own path.

I am always grateful for all of life's experiences, good or bad. Life is to be lived, my way!!! I have learned so much about myself. Great question!!!!

[SteveinMN]

Hmm...

1. Enrolling at my alma mater. I started at another college and decided to change majors/careers -- to one which was not offered at my then-current school. Which really was just as well because then-current school and I were not a good fit even beyond the career in which I was no longer interested. I was there primarily because it was close to family (I'd never been away from home for any length of time before that). Moving away was good for me.

2. Going overseas for work. Aside from one trip to Canada (not Quebec, either), I'd never been outside the United States. But I had to travel overseas for business. Not being able to read signs, not knowing the customs, and -- after my return -- figuring out how much the "Ugly American" I had been was eye-opening. It made me want to travel more, which, in turn, made me more aware of the way others live (for better or worse). At this point I've seen a good chunk of the world, felt what it's like to stand out just because of one's race or linguistic skills, and have seen "American Exceptionalism" for what it is.

3. Meeting my best friend (besides my wife). She taught me a lot about how to play a bad hand dealt by life, by example. Other people would call us "soulmates" even though we're married happily to others. It was the depth and (emotional) intimacy of our friendship that showed me how bad my first marriage was. Without that, I likely would not have insisted on counseling and would not have gotten divorced and become available to meet my current wife -- for whom I am thankful every single day.

[kib]

I'm enjoying these, thank you! What if you were given the opportunity to go back in time, but just ... let's say you could go back for one minute. Just long enough to do one thing differently. No thank you, I don't want to get a cup of coffee with you. I think I'll take this exit instead of the one where i got T-Boned. Yes, let's / let's not go ahead with this pregnancy. I'll take the job! Maybe I shouldn't buy this house. I do.

I've had some instantly traumatic experiences like cutting myself badly with a table saw, but all in all I think I'd tell Dubious Boyfriend no thank you. Drew was cute 'n all, but he was so damaged and so manipulative and so very, very self centered in his pain, the "perfect" match for my co-dependent pleaser gene. I put my entire life path "on hold" because of his grief and problems during a time when my choices for myself were absolutely pivotal, that last year of high school first year of college that could have been such an easy win for me if I hadn't let myself get tangled up like that. I spent sooo long wandering around like a basket case after I finally cut him loose, I never did quite find my way back to that place where it would have been simple. I like my current life and Drew was part of getting me here, but I still believe the options that would have been available to me if I hadn't shut that door, and the experiences of the years between then and now, could have been much better.

Easier still: checked any box other than Russian Studies for my senior elective. Three seconds, that's all I ask! ;) Russian Studies = student trip to Russia = necessity for part time job to earn money for said trip = meeting Drew at my pt job. Trip was awesome, un-messed-up life would have been a fair trade, though. ETA: I'd want my former self to know Why I checked a different box, or I'd have probably just found Drew in a different skin.

[SteveinMN]

What if you were given the opportunity to go back in time, but just ... let's say you could go back for one minute. Just long enough to do one thing differently. No thank you, I don't want to get a cup of coffee with you. I think I'll take this exit instead of the one where i got T-Boned. Yes, let's / let's not go ahead with this pregnancy. I do.
Heh. That's a bit tougher. In the case of my ex, we actually met at college orientation, both at the end of a long line and looking for some way to pass the time. That became acquaintanceship and then company through common friends. When I moved out to Minnesota, she had some vacation time so I suggested she visit. At least I'd recognize one face in town. Well -- not to delve into too many details -- we became more than friends and, eventually, chose to marry. If I could go back to that last night of vacation, yeah, I'd have made a couple of decisions differently. Mea culpa. Live and learn. Can't believe I just wrote that...

[jp1]

The biggest pivotal moment I can think of happened because I didn't like the Lord of the Rings movie. The night I met SO I was having a slice of pizza with the same friends I'd seen it with. My friends were going to see the second one after pizza. I didn't want to invest 8-12 hours watching another movie where nothing happens. Once they found out I was just going home SO and his friends invited me to come have a drink with them. If I hadn't met SO I'd probably still be living in NYC and on a completely different, less enjoyable, career trajectory.

[TxZen]

One pivotal moment or feeling that resonates with me is I wish I was more confident as a kid. I was VERY quiet and withdrawn. I now realize that it had a lot to do with home life and environment and was NOT my fault. If I could back and show my younger self this, I think I would have maybe not held back in doing things for as long as I have. :)

[pinkytoe]

I too think most of my pivotal moments occurred when I was young and many over which I had no control - parent's move to Texas followed by divorce and all that ensued there. I sometimes have the sensation that I am living the wrong life if that makes sense. It is as if there were so many other possibilities but circumstances did not allow me to flourish and I did not have the grounding to get around them - make sense? I also think like so many adolescents-20 somethings with no compass or guidance, I made stupid mistakes that have dogged me since. A very large pivotal moment is in the planning stage and a very conscious one for me. Leaving all that I have known up to this point (well, maybe not dh) - job, city, state, and I can hardly wait.

[ejchase]

I have a different take on this.

I read a quote from Salmon Rushdie the other day: "Your life reveals to you who you are." I think for me that means that even when I made "bad" choices, those choices have shown me who I really am and that I need to face the parts of myself that led to those choices. I've made a lot of good choices - have always had amazing, loyal friends, am on pretty good terms with my family despite a lot of dysfunction there, have work I love - but have also made many destructive and self-destructive choices. So now, at 49, I'm trying to look at what I've learned about myself from what I've done so far and make more constructive choices and choices that will lead me to reach some goals I've let fall by the wayside. I'm not sure if there is enough time, but I'm really going to try.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think it's mostly pointless indulgence in regrets. But hey if that's what one likes .... Your life is now.

Yea I know pivotal moments may not just be regrets. But ruminating on bad choices certainly is.

[catherine]

I've learned from my pivotal moments that the decisions that I made that didn't feel at all like decisions were the best ones I've made. Of course, sometimes pivotal moments were synchronistic--no decision involved, just Fate. One of those moments was when I felt forced to take my friends out to a night club just after senior year college finals, and I was exhausted and went there dragging my feet, but that's the night I saw a dapper guy walk in and he saw me and we've now been married 38 years.

My pivotal decisions/nondecisions were:
--Turning down a job that seemed like a wonderful opportunity because I just had a yearning to wait for an opportunity at NBC. I had accepted one job, but that same week went to NBC to interview "on spec" and I just felt NBC was right even though I had no idea when they would call, so I turned down the sure thing, and the next week a GREAT job at NBC was offered to me.

--Similarly, on the job front, I just had a feeling in 2008 that I HAD to leave my corporate job. It was foolish in the sense that I'm the breadwinner, but I just couldn't lose the feeling that I was not where I should be, so I went out on my own and have done great ever since.

--On a personal front, at one point in my life I had a decision to make about accepting a baby into my life when it seemed like utter foolishness, and when even my mother advised me against it. There were strong signposts on the way to this decision, and I felt in my soul it was the right decision, because when I made it, I felt as free as a bird. It was a life-changing lesson about faith, hope and love, and I fully realize how corny that sounds, but rather than corny, it was a profound and deep personal moment for me.

[ToomuchStuff]

1.When pretending I can play God with my own life...
2. I occasionally look back and think wow, if I could have stepped in at that particular moment, maybe just for ten minutes, things would be so different. "Hey, self, let's go get a cup of coffee before we hit the Automart." The places where chains of events seemed to begin.
3.That first reluctant date with a dubious high school boyfriend who, in retrospect, changed my entire educational path - not for the better. Another who I'd never have met if I hadn't stopped to look at a used car who basically set the last 20 years of my life in the direction it went. The trip I took on a whim that also changed my life path, in a really good way.
4.If you had to pick out three or four moments that shaped your life, what would they be? Would you wish them gone, or do you feel extreme gratitude and happiness that they happened?

1. So you want to be an "omnipotent being, who doesn't interfere with your design, or the free will you provided your creation", then you wouldn't do anything different, while at the same time know every possible outcome, and knowing that the creation of choice, doesn't mean that all possible outcomes end up the same.
2. Hindsight is 20/20 and you wouldn't be you. You couldn't even interfere with you without it changing the one doing the interfering. (time paradox)
3. So you know everything that would have happened and have some sort of proof that it wasn't better then the other outcome? What could have started out as a better choice, may also have lead you to much worse choices.
4. Our choices and experiences are part of what makes us. Doesn't mean we always have to be happy about them, nor do we have to like them. Things I would change:
My abduction and unfortunately some of the lessons that that lead into. (trust issues, especially with family)
Showing a neighbor a cork gun on the fourth of July when I was a child. (lead in part to the current issues in my neighborhood)
Answering the phone a couple of times. One of them was from a relative on their deathbed, with views that affect me to this day and can't be discussed, nor should they be (should have gone to her grave)

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think we would still mostly be us if we made different choices in adulthood. Because personality is pretty much formed by then. However our circumstances not our personality might be different. If we had an entirely different early childhood or something then maybe we would be entirely different people. I agree with the choices could have been worse. I could regret say not staying in school longer, but if I did what if I became one of those permanent student types that never reaches adult independence? Scary ... And I'm more likely to believe things could have gone wrong than right because I look at my family.

[razz]

Pivotal moments include my parents moving the family from Africa to Canada to give the kids better opportunties for the future. Great positive impact!
Meeting DH over the file cabinets. He shared my dreams and I lived the dream of a ten year old. Loved it!
Having two daughters which have been a delight.
Many moments were gifts or blessings from strangers who took the time to advise or suggest alternatives.
I love the life that I have lived, the adventures, the challenges and am looking forward to more.

[pinkytoe]

I must admit looking into your newborn's eyes is a pivotal moment - one I've never forgotten.

[Williamsmith]

I believe that to try to identify a pivotal moment minimizes the interconnectedness of our everyday lives. By that I mean, if you want to hold out one moment that was memorable or impactful then fine but pivotal identifies a certain characteristic of having changed ones future. I believe that every moment we live something happens that is pivotal and that it is impossible to know all the mathematical possibilities that exist. In a nutshell, it is an entertaining exercise but mere fantasy.

That said, mine would without doubt be the unfortunate burden of having to investigate my own fourteen year old nephew's accidental death by shotgun.

[Gardnr]

I married by HS sweetheart at age 19 despite being discouraged by many. Our 35th anniversary was in June. I cannot imagine life without the love of my life. Everything else is gravy. We are blessed.

[rodeosweetheart]

"I believe that every moment we live something happens that is pivotal and that it is impossible to know all the mathematical possibilities that exist. In a nutshell, it is an entertaining exercise but mere fantasy. "
I agree with William on this. And it reminds me of the movie Sliding Doors--remember that movie?

Since we can't go back in the past, this exercise feels potentially pretty sad, to me. But maybe it depends on how happy you are in the present, so you would have a confirmation bias towards the positive. If a tendency towards depression, it would work against you, doing this.

And William, your remark about the accidental death made me think of when I was 14, and the neighbor's son shot his hand off, and his sister and I spent the night cleaning blood out of the carpet.

I cannot imagine a pair of 14 year olds doing that today.

I don't think we had the same kind of childhood that today's kids expect.

Which is good, I guess, that they do not.

[catherine]

Since we can't go back in the past, this exercise feels potentially pretty sad, to me. But maybe it depends on how happy you are in the present, so you would have a confirmation bias towards the positive. If a tendency towards depression, it would work against you, doing this.


I guess I'm in the former camp. I know that in my experience, the things that I was most anxious about wound up being surprisingly the absolute best outcome for me. Life works out in amazing ways. Even negative experiences are opportunities for growth, and they are actually the best opportunities for growth--and I'm not being Pollyanna.. I have learned this through my life experiences, and I have plenty of negative ones to fall back on.

[razz]

I guess I'm in the former camp. I know that in my experience, the things that I was most anxious about wound up being surprisingly the absolute best outcome for me. Life works out in amazing ways. Even negative experiences are opportunities for growth, and they are actually the best opportunities for growth--and I'm not being Pollyanna.. I have learned this through my life experiences, and I have plenty of negative ones to fall back on.

I agree completely. I am grateful for the negatives as they made me who I am right now and enabled me to cope with so many changes in life. It is those who have not encountered and overcome the negatives that have a really hard time, I believe.

[iris lilies]

Three pivotal moments in my life. For each one --and these were HARD decisions, not ones of coincidence--I am glad I made the decision that I made.

But I do often review in my mind the other path and where that would have led. I would have been happy enough in those other paths but I do really think I chose the right paths that lead to a richer life.

My decisions were decent because I knew myself. They were

1) moving on from a boyfriend/lifestyle/ job/ geographic area on a high. I remember sitting on a beautiful patio in Taos at sunset on a perfect evening with my boyfriend and thinking--this is the height, this is IT! and--it's not enough, I'll soon have learned all that I can learn in this job. That part of the country was useless in providing jobs for my career ladder. so I left, and boyfriend wasn't giving his job or that part of the country up to come with me.

2) getting married. DH was cute and all of that, but I thought carefully about what a marriage with him would be like. I figured that he would add more to my life than not, he would be a credit rather thin a debit. It was a mathematical equation. I didn't want to have children, so I was largely indifferent to marriage, I started out neutral. So that's been fine with our values close enough and DH flexible that yes, he does enrich my life.

3) about 12 years into my last job I could see that it was going nowhere. By then I was deeply involved in our neighborhood and this great city. Any job I took would have required moving, and likely to a boring place with suburban architecture and lack of city elements. So I stayed put and don't regret that. But for the last 10+ years of work it was a dull slog, with a few fast track years at the end thrown in.

[cdttmm]

1) Signing up for a Tae Kwon Do class my first year in college. My parents insisted that I return to school at the beginning of January and do something -- they weren't willing to let me sit home and relax for the month. I signed up for a music class and Tae Kwon Do. They were pleased about the former, but not about the latter. Fast forward 20+ years, now I teach HS and college students Tae Kwon Do.

I learned so much about myself through TKD. I learned that I had an inner athlete and that I could be fiercely competitive in athletics. I learned a new type of discipline, focus, and self-control. I learned leadership skills that were not dependent upon nor necessarily connected to my ability to speak persuasively to others. I learned about long-term dedication and commitment to a way of life that truly resonated with me. Essentially, at the age of 18, if I hadn't signed up for the class against my parents wishes, I would be a very different person today. Of course, if one of the seniors who lived in my dorm hadn't driven me to the first class, I might have skipped the whole thing altogether, so I give her huge props for giving me the final nudge to this life-changing experience.

2) Agreeing to let a mentor introduce me to his friend who was willing to teach me how to snowboard. We hit it off and 21 years later are still together. We occasionally still snowboard together, but the love of snowboarding really kick-started my love of many outdoor activities including mountain biking, ultrarunning, and kayaking.

3) Applying to a graduate program in positive psychology on a whim. I got accepted, spent a year at an Ivy League school earning a degree that I didn't need, but loved pursuing. I then ended up using it to expand my post-retirement hobby job into something truly fabulous. Without it, I probably would have resorted to a re-boot on my previous career, which would have been far less interesting and rewarding.

[kib]

thank you for the interesting stories and wisdom. For those of you who seemed upset about the whole question, I do think that who you are is shaped early on and not necessarily by choices you personally make, and of course this is a fantasy - if you know of a working time machine, let me in on it, please. I also think that some seemingly small decisions, sometimes mere seconds of fate, can steer your practical life in ways that are astonishing, sometimes for good and sometimes not. It's not about wallowing in past regrets, what's done is done. But I find it fascinating to reduce something to its origins, the place where it became concrete.

In 1993 I was, for all intents and purposes, a yuppie dedicated to the idea that more is better, looking for a place to vacation. Bigger is better, right, and when a friend showed me an Earthwatch catalog for extreme trips at far ends of the globe, I loved the idea. There was a trip to Kangaroo Island in Australia, that sounded pretty extreme, and so I signed up.

Turns out the trip I signed up for was cancelled, but I showed up having traveled nearly 11000 miles, not knowing this. So I basically got to live privately with the EW hosts for three weeks living the most amazing minimal, fulfilling and grounded life imaginable. I spent the time in shock. "Poor" people who were actually happy? Smart people who weren't chasing money or status? People who weren't millionaires who nevertheless got to do more or less exactly what they wanted? I went home with a copy of YMOYL and the idea of crafting a really custom-made life, these two things thrust me into a new mind-set that basically changed my world forever. Because of a catalog and a mistake. I find that amazing to this day.

ETA: and looking at this and knowing that to some extent I let it go again because of who I am, because of wounds from long ago, helps me. It helps me to see my weak places, and to find some inspiration for the future by remembering what I learned in the past.

[TxZen]

Guess I could throw my most recent experience of my house being vandalized in there. I sit here, in these quiet nights, and really think about life and what the heck am I doing- the deep stuff people are sometimes afraid of or it comes off as too kooky. Yep, that is where I am at right now and I am SOOO grateful for where I am and I keep turning the lesson into the blessing.

[catherine]

Turns out the trip I signed up for was cancelled, but I showed up having traveled nearly 11000 miles, not knowing this. So I basically got to live privately with the EW hosts for three weeks living the most amazing minimal, fulfilling and grounded life imaginable. I spent the time in shock. "Poor" people who were actually happy? Smart people who weren't chasing money or status? People who weren't millionaires who nevertheless got to do more or less exactly what they wanted? I went home with a copy of YMOYL and the idea of crafting a really custom-made life, these two things thrust me into a new mind-set that basically changed my world forever. Because of a catalog and a mistake. I find that amazing to this day.



Great story! I like to think there are no "mistakes"--

[iris lilies]

Great story! I like to think there are no "mistakes"--

When the student is ready the wisdom will find her and fill her. Or something like that.

[SteveinMN]

I never interpreted the OP's question as one that focused in any way on regret. Rather, it was an interesting exercise to review situations and decisions, that, in retrospect, set in motion a chain of events that had a big impact on our lives.

In my case, my first wife and I should never have married. Had we done our homework, we would not have. But what's past is past. And not being still married to her did not poison my thinking for the future. The important part for me was looking back afterward at what I did that caused the marriage not to be viable. It was a big learning experience for me.

[Float On]

* Spending a summer living in a tent in the wilds of WV and MD with inner-city kids from DC. Leaving them at the end of that summer and never knowing if some of them made it to adulthood or not (gangs, drugs, guns).
* In college, having a friend get a strong feeling they needed to go to a strange house and walk right in. He saved me from a date-rape situation.
* Also in college, bitter cold winter. Woke up with a jolt in the middle of the night with the clear message to turn off the heater in the apartment. In the morning the roommate turned back on the heater. Sparks and billowing smoke. Firemen all agreed that if I hadn't of turned it off when I did we probably both would of died of smoke/fire.