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View Full Version : getting a need met, relationships



Zoe Girl
10-10-15, 11:29am
I am seeing this theme where it is apparent that we are not really good at meeting needs for each other. There is a great psychological conversation about how we can get our needs met and take charge of that, still not working nearly as much as the effort we are putting in. This is very very broad of course, but just focusing on self and my little sphere I am currently rather frustrated.

I saw it this week with my total ADD coworker (yes she brings it up and I don't think I care any more). She had questions in our large meeting and more than once I was able to say to her that I had the answer and could fill her in but she still had this compulsion to ask/share to the entire group. 20+ people for 2 hours and there is only a dent anyone can make in her behavior. She is not getting her need met if I tell her the information, only if she has group/leader attention. A colleague actually went up to her after the meeting and told her to listen better, cringe.

For me I have this connection need, I have a really rough week if there is nothing social at all over the weekend and often that is the case. So in trying to meet that need I struggle. Tomorrow a group of us are going to an event that I am really looking forward to. It will be an all day thing and I am driving so it may also be tiring. I still find that I expend a lot of energy making things happen and am evaluating which of these things are actually also meeting the need for connection.

I am also realizing that as much as many of us separate work and personal I had work colleagues I had warm friendly relationships with. One of them was recently killed in a car accident, another left after 11 years. Some others would invite me to go drinking even though I don't. And with the huge changes in our department they are mostly gone, the rest of us are tiptoeing around the place. One place where there was some connection need being met is now not doing any of that.

We tend to be introverted souls here, that means I want some high quality connection time but maybe not so much of it. That is a hard thing to get in this day and age, anyone else find that?

razz
10-10-15, 2:02pm
The introverted types do have more challenges. DH was major introvert type. He, as do many men, really enjoyed the friendships from his work. When he retired, he lost most of them and within a few years, all the rest. He could not reach out to maintain contact, he got forgotten when events were scheduled and then lost all contact. A friend came by a few years later and complained that, for men, it seemed that as soon as people retired, they were considered dead.
I puzzled about this and wondered how much was work related and how much was introversion related. Still not clear.
I admire that you make the effort. Keep on doing so, the rewards are much greater than we sometimes think.

SteveinMN
10-10-15, 5:40pm
A friend came by a few years later and complained that, for men, it seemed that as soon as people retired, they were considered dead.
I puzzled about this and wondered how much was work related and how much was introversion related. Still not clear.
I admire that you make the effort. Keep on doing so, the rewards are much greater than we sometimes think.
My experience is that, in the U.S. at least, the vast majority of men identify very closely with what they do/did for a living. Especially for the ones who pursued the same discipline (engineering, sales, etc.) their entire career, even if it was with different organizations. I know a couple of guys who have no retirement plans -- even though they really should -- because they had sacrificed interests and hobbies and many outside-of-work relationships to their careers. They wouldn't know what to do with their free time. It seems to have nothing to do with introversion or extroversion.

I didn't have that problem. But, then, I'm always game to learn new skills and I've dabbled in many hobbies over the years. On the other hand, when I left IT, I did find that even close work friends just seemed to fall to the wayside. I don't know how much of that was a reflection of the pedal-to-the-metal pace of work these days, or that my usefulness to their career had diminished, or they just didn't think we had much in common anymore. Or all of the above. At first, that bothered me. Then I realized it was their loss. I had new friends and interests. And they know where to find me.

Zoe Girl
10-10-15, 10:02pm
it reminds me of the guy i went on a few dates with. he followed the strict separation of work and personal and basically has no friends. His coworkers tried to get him to do some things and it sounds like he got angry about it. Meanwhile after leaving a bad marriage and his kids growing up he is very alone. After talking to him for awhile i realize that it is hard for men in certain ways, and that i want to date people who can be a friend. He told me that he didn't like the people he had a common interest with and that he felt the people he works with are beneath him. Hmm, i think he was trying to skip the friend to get to the date/girlfriend part.

one person got sick for tomorrow so i am only taking one person instead of 2 and that reduces the length of the day and complication factor of it. More of a chance a connecting and relaxing day.