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frugalone
10-13-15, 6:00pm
I have an uncle who is raising his three grandchildren because their parents are drug addicts. Bless my aunt and uncle, but they did a lousy job with their kids and are doing another lousy job with these little girls. They are bratty, out of control, spoiled, etc. I will state up front I am not a "kid person"--I don't enjoy being around children, I don't have any of my own.

The last time I attended one of these parties was two years ago and I swore it was the last time. The food was perfectly awful, the children were awful, the house has some sort of mildew/mold problem and you could smell it everywhere. In the meantime, my uncle has become very ill. He has had pneumonia, congestive heart failure, several heart attacks, diabetic and overweight. My DH has told me numerous times that he will probably not live another five years, and that if I want to spend time with him, there's no time like the present.

My uncle just got out of the hospital for a foot infection the other day and he is insisting on going through with a joint b-day party for the girls this weekend. My mom keeps telling him he should not be on his feet (doctor's orders) but he insists it's too late to cancel. Neither my mother nor I want to attend said party. DH will probably go along with whatever I decide. My mom has a dental appointment on Friday and may need serious work, and she's thinking of using this as an excuse to call off.

Why do I feel obligated to attend s/thing I really, really don't want to attend? I feel like DH says the above like a guilt grip sometimes. As for himself, he's always saying he's going to drive up and see my uncle, or call him, and he never does.

My aunt and uncle, on the other hand, put in perfunctory appearances at family gatherings, and it's always like, "oh, hey, nice seeing you for an hour, but we have somewhere else where we're expected."

Why don't I just make up an excuse that I'm sick or something since I don't want to go to this event? The closer it gets, the more hellish I'm anticipating it to be.

Any advice?

P.S. Neither of my siblings are going. They have legitimate work or family excuses. I feel like since I have neither I "should" attend the party.

nswef
10-13-15, 6:17pm
You also have a legitimate excuse. You don't want to go. Just tell them you are unable to attend. Not a lie, no need to explain why you are unable to attend. You might want to consider how you will react if he does die and you haven't gone to see him. If you are oK with that, then all the more reason NOT to go. I've done that a few times and realize I am always glad I didn't go, even when they died before I saw them again.

frugalone
10-13-15, 6:39pm
I always feel that if I'm invited somewhere and I don't have any other plans, I should go where I'm invited. I don't know where I got that idea.

bekkilyn
10-13-15, 7:26pm
Just because you feel something doesn't make it right (or wrong). It's an invitation, not a federal court summons. The choice is yours alone.

SteveinMN
10-13-15, 7:39pm
There is a boundary here. You don't want to go, for lots of good reasons. The question is, can you honor your own boundary? Is seeing your uncle or earning whatever brownie points may be awarded for being there worth crossing your own boundary? If they are not, then just say you have other plans. There's no need to elaborate further. If you're pressed, you can just say it's a commitment ("never going again") you made some time ago. Done.

pcooley
10-13-15, 7:47pm
It is indeed your choice. I personally hate going to things. Unfortunately, I married someone who hates going to things even more than I do. (Sometimes I appreciated being dragged into the social arena.)

While it goes agains my own nature, I would say put in a perfunctory appearance if they invited you. I wish I could come up with a good reason to follow that sentence... There just seems to be a time for love and graciousness. Your uncle sounds like a mess. We're all a mess to some degree - he sounds like he may be one to a greater degree, but when you're a mess, it's nice to have family touch base with you as long as they aren't trying to solve your problems. You don't have to correct or criticize the mess they've made, or stay long. Just drop in, say how nice it is to have family that invites you for important moments, eat a polite amount of the bad food, then excuse yourself.

I don't know - just my two cents.

Tradd
10-13-15, 8:27pm
Don't go. Simple as that.

Williamsmith
10-13-15, 8:43pm
Don't go. Simple as that.
This ----- just what I was thinking.

freshstart
10-13-15, 9:07pm
+2, "something came up"

if you are concerned that your uncle will pass within 5 yrs, that's a good thing, he's not passing next month so therefore you are off the hook for this party. Maybe if you really want to see him, meet for lunch outside of his home.

ctg492
10-14-15, 4:52am
My dad always used to say: He hated being a captive audience. I now feel that exact same way. Not always taking my own advice, I say don't go it you don't want to. Their world is not going to stop spinning because you are not there.

sweetana3
10-14-15, 7:59am
I was going to say exactly what Freshstart said. It is a birthday party for the kids and their friends. Go see or take your uncle out at a quieter time.

Gardnr
10-16-15, 7:07am
This is about you, not your uncle. If you never see him again, are you OK with that? And there is NOTHING wrong with being OK with that.

There are no do-overs in this life. Be sure your decisions are best for you.

Don't let people "should" on you.

CathyA
10-16-15, 8:00am
Just say no. You'll learn that it can be a really good feeling. Give yourself permission to do what YOU want to do.

larknm
10-17-15, 1:02pm
I wouldn't want someone to come to my party because they thought they should. What if it were your party and people who don't want to be around you came simply because they don't honor their own needs? It makes a bad vibe. As a kid I didn't enjoy people my parents' age coming to children's parties.

frugalone
10-18-15, 2:37pm
Update: I ended up going to the party and it was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be!

My mother makes the little girls sound like demons. She really does. They were pretty well behaved (for 8, 5 and 2 year olds, that is) and my DH even had a long conversation with the "horrible" 8 year old. My uncle was in good spirits and I was happy to see him. (He had just been in the hospital the week before). My sister made an unexpected appearance, too. Also saw a family member who just last year had a major seizure and her family was told she would spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. She is walking without her walker or cane and talking (she is in her early 40s) and I was so glad to see her.


I can't speak for future years but I am glad I went this year.

Regarding lunch etc. with my uncle. I have a very odd shift at work that pretty much puts the kibosh on my social life. Also, he is at home taking care of the 2-year-old most of the time and finds it hard to get away. They also live about an hour away from my home.

freshstart
10-18-15, 2:49pm
I'm a sucker for a happy ending!

nswef
10-18-15, 3:05pm
I'm glad it worked out so unexpectedly nicely.