My husband has a problem with my adult son

[theothmans]

My son is 46 and he has Depression, ADHD, PTSD and Antisocial Disorder. All of them have only been diagnosed within the last two years. He has gained a huge amount of weight and is about 450 at this time. He had an issue that impacted him greatly and was living on the streets. He is also a recovering drug user. Our relationship has been difficult through out his life because of his decisions. He is heavily tattooed and has an appearance that does not match his personality. He is trying to get his life together and he is clean.

My husband works overseas, he has not been home in 2 years. We have some acreage and I work full time and have to drive about 2.5 hours a day to get to work. I asked my son to move into an apartment over the garage for his help and he has been taking care of the animals and doing chores, he gets food stamps and I am not having to pay him anything in exchange for his rent etc. It is a scratch my back and I will scratch your back arrangement and I am glad to help him as he is getting his medical and psy issues addressed.

My husband does not do anything to support my son, he does not like his appearance or personality and I am constantly having to deal with my husbands statements about not wanting to live with my son, not wanting to come home for a visit if my son is there. I have outlined to my husband numerous times that my son needs some time to get it together and then move on with his life. There is no intention of my part or my son's part to make this a permanent arrangement. I feel that my husband has insecurities that have nothing to do with my son and control issues that he tries to extend even from 6000 miles away. I have explained to my husband that my son is a great deal of help for me, that he wants to get weight loss operation and is working towards that, he goes to his counselor and is working on this mental health issues and is getting better. But it does not stop the negative, nasty comments from my husband and it makes it next to impossible to communicate with him.

I am at my wit's end - I am not going to allow my husband of 18 years to attempt to put me in a position to have to choose between him and my family. This is what I feel this is about. My husband is very critical and he has also been diagnosed with ADHD in the past 2.5 years as well.

So looking for any advice or people who have had similar situations and what route they went. Thank you

[Gardenarian]

That's a really tough situation. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can think of is marriage counseling, so you could talk this out.

If there is a full apartment over your garage, it sounds like your dh & ds would not have much contact. Maybe when he comes home it will be easier than he thinks?

Best wishes.

[jp1]

I've never been in a similar situation so take my thoughts with however many grains of salt are needed. Bottom line, your son needs you. It sounds like he's on the road to recovery. To toss him out now would seem cruel, at least in my opinion. If that means that your husband needs to stay away for the time being than that's the way it is. Ideally you can make it work with both of them around, but if not I would personally choose the son over the husband, if only because your son sounds like he's getting his act together and needs the help. This doesn't sound easy so I do wish you the best of luck in handling this.

[freshstart]

ITA with jp1

You are doing what parents should do, you are actively helping your son in the way he needs it. He is working his butt off to improve himself, change his life path and does not plan to stay with you long term. this is all GOOD stuff and if DH cannot recognize that, that's his problem. This nailed it, to me "My husband does not do anything to support my son, he does not like his appearance or personality." I get personality clashes and that he is sick of the problems he has seen for many years, but saying part of the problem is your son's appearance is pretty damn mean. Do any of us withhold support of our child because of how he looks? I would assume no, even with tattoos or piercings. So what gives him the right to do that to a step child?

Did he know about your son's problems before you married? If he did, he is failing miserably on the "for better or for worse" part of the bargain. I think he needs a tune up on Marriage 101. I am sorry you are in this predicament, you (and your son) deserve better than what DH is giving. How long is he gone for?

[ctg492]

I had a situation with my Son who was a drug addict from whenever to 26. 4 years clean tomorrow so it is possible!!!!. During the end of his usage and attempted suicide, Mom gear kicked in and I became the I WILL save you. I could not save him, he had to save himself. I had been the ultimate Enabler for my son's entire life, I could have paid for a four year University Education for the enabling I did sadly. It took my husband and I took the brinks of our relationship as it does most, as seldom do two people see eye to eye. It took me helping myself understand my limits by attending the classes and lectures offered at the rehab and 3/4 house he lived in to get clean. I grew and though never perfect I understood I could do and could not do. I did not cause it, I can not control it and I can not change it. I however was the biggest supporter of my son on the face of the earth.

SO my fellow Mom, I understand. Please visit a site www.soberrecovery.com (http://www.soberrecovery.com) it helped me understand that I was not alone as that is how the addicts loved ones feel. The family and friends forums are wonderful. This will end a relationship if no help is sought. It will drain you cash if help is not sought.

Forward to today this wonderful day. Son is on a Bass fishing trip with his Dad for the weekend. SO it is possible.

[ctg492]

I want to add the biggest changing point for me was when I learned from all this that I was not a Doctor, Rehab Center, Peers that he needed for support. What I am is a Mom who loves her son.

PS after the Rehab house he stayed in that gave him the help he needed to get on course, he has lived with us since and it has been the correct thing to do for all of us. Without incident, without financial support.

[sweetana3]

No one should advise you with only one side to the story. However, you are a mom and love your son and that is what you should do.

Your husband is only related to him by marriage and has the right to say he will not live on the property with your son. It is up to the two of you to try and compromise somehow. We cannot tell you what your husband will do and whether he has ADHD has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps you need to say that there will be no negative discussions about your son while the two of you are talking or you will terminate the call? You cannot change him but you dont have to listen to it.

[Miss Cellane]

Well, not like tattoos isn't a reason for not wanting your son on the property, it's an excuse.

Try to get the real reasons out of your husband. Brace yourself for the fact that the real reasons will probably be hurtful. Those might be: "I worry that he might steal from us," "I'm concerned that he'll start using drugs again and I don't want that in my home," "I'm afraid he will hurt you or me, if he gets out of control." Those are reasons, and they are serious reasons that deserve serious discussions about how to deal with them.

He's your son and you love him, but he is not your husband's son. And if a considerable amount of your time, energy and money have been spent on your son, it is logical that your husband isn't willing to spend much of his time, energy and money on what he might see as a lost cause.

Set some boundaries for your discussions. Once your husband gets into blaming or shaming, the call is ended. Only when he is willing to discuss things calmly, with facts, not feelings and impressions, do the conversations continue.

If your son is planning to move out at some point, maybe set up a time line for when that might happen. You might not have specific dates, but a list of things that need to happen--weight loss surgery, getting a job, finding an apartment, getting the dosage of a specific mediation right. If you can show your husband that there is a plan, and that your son is making progress on that plan, it could go a long way to getting your husband to see that there is a positive outcome for all of you at the end of this.

[SteveinMN]

Set some boundaries for your discussions. Once your husband gets into blaming or shaming, the call is ended. Only when he is willing to discuss things calmly, with facts, not feelings and impressions, do the conversations continue.

If your son is planning to move out at some point, maybe set up a time line for when that might happen. You might not have specific dates, but a list of things that need to happen--weight loss surgery, getting a job, finding an apartment, getting the dosage of a specific mediation right. If you can show your husband that there is a plan, and that your son is making progress on that plan, it could go a long way to getting your husband to see that there is a positive outcome for all of you at the end of this.
This is what I would have written. I think OP will need to probe to get past her husband's superficial arguments and to the real issues behind his unhappiness/anger/frustration. Establishing some ground rules for real discussion would help. There is a lot we don't know about the situation, but I believe it would be worthwhile to find out if husband's issues are that he feels threatened physically by the presence of the son or that the son's need to help out infers that husband is not taking care of his wife the way he feels he ought to.

I also would agree that establishing some milestones for the son's recovery would help. Certainly they can't be cast in stone and he should be involved in setting them. But reading "there is no intention to make it a permanent arrangement" without even a ballpark idea of when son might be on his own (or moving steadily toward that day) waved flags for me. Maybe it was just an omission on theothman's post. But that may be part of husband's concern, too. There's a reason people work halfway around the world; it's not an easy choice to make and any big thing that changes the home situation easily could be seen as a problem.

[Rachel]

Dear Theothmans,
Sending you a big cyber hug. What you are doing for your son is well within reasonable boundaries and does not sound like "enabling" to me. The stability of a place to stay, the responsibility of helping out around the place---these are wonderful, positive, productive elements that could play a key role helping your son to turn his life around.
I agree with the people who are suggesting that you set some boundaries around discussions with your husband--you won't be able to "argue" him out of his attitude. Something along the lines of: "I love you, but this is what I am doing for my son." Period.
If your husband can't bear to come home for a while, well, maybe that will be healthier for everyone for the time being.
You're in my thoughts. I'm sending you good vibes and hope for your son to continue on this better road.

[messengerhot]

"Love yourself. Parents truly do the best they can, but should not hold themselves accountable for the poor choices of their adult children. Once you become a parent, that role has no end point. However, the responsibilities of that role definitely shift over time as a child matures. They lessen, not expand. Loving yourself and accepting your limits will keep you from spiraling down as a result of your child's choices."

Read this online. That's a really tough situation to be in. I wish you all the best.