Helping an Adult Child

[Rachel]

I think most of us here feel that helping an adult child financially is a step not lightly taken.
In general, when I hear about friends of mine paying off their adult children's credit card bills I inwardly shudder.

However, sometimes life isn't so clearcut and I'm considering helping out my adult daughter in this way.

She's 31 and has been living independently since college graduation. She's never asked for a penny and lives a responsible life, shares a home with roommates, doesn't go in for drugs or the like.

Her chosen field is in the arts, and therefore her life is a struggle--again, she doesn't complain and doesn't ask for money but over the past few years I've seen her looking more and more beaten down. A year and a half ago she got really sick and had to get some emergency room treatments and because her insurance is so bad she ended up with some big medical bills. The insurance is bad because she couldn't afford a better policy.

I've not offered to help pay off the medical bills because I feel that this is part of the consequence of choosing the arts as a way of making a living. It jsut about kills me to stand by and watch this!

I've offered to help pay for more schooling to give her a way of getting into a career that has jobs with benefits and steady paychecks, but she doesn't want that.

Recently she shared with me that she has almost paid off the medical bills and is now working on a credit card balance of around $1500. To her credit, she is determined to pay off these bills and has been making steady progress.

I'm considering giving her a check to at least cover the credit card bill---I feel like it might be a breath of fresh air for her. It will be the first time I've ever done anything like that for her and I would make it clear that it wouldn't be a regular thing.

I want to emphasize that she is not complaining and hinting at all, she just generally looks worn out.

She's been a good daughter to me and to her father and she's a really good young woman. I'm feeling very emotional about this right now and I could use some feedback from the thoughtful people in this community.

[Williamsmith]

I firmly believe there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I only make these observations based on my three children and their unique financial situations.

One is rather independent and lives 1600 miles away. He isn't the most frugal but never seems to need anything from me.

The middle one is an accountant and an auditor. She is knocking off her student loans at a rapid pace and engaged to be married next summer. I wrote a check and said, "Here's what I can afford. Anything more is your problem."

My third is in a trade, recently divorced with a child. His child support is one third of his income for the month. He had monthly payments he couldn't make on things he shouldn't have had. I helped get him out of an upside down car payment and into something more affordable by giving him downpayment money for the car. I helped him move into a new apartment, I paid for an attorney to review his legal documents relative the divorce. I found him a part time job.

He works 60 hours a week at two jobs. I sat him down and prepared a budget. No credit allowed. My terms are, you don't create bills you can't afford and when you need help Ill be there. But not for stupid stuff. Yes, he is a good kid but you can't open the store and let them in anytime they want. My opinion.

I help out but I also require personal accountability and I let them know that if I am financially invested I will be checking to see that my investment is being used properly.

[Chicken lady]

Rachel, it's your call.

We did something like that with our bonus daughter a few years ago. She was really struggling as a result of making good choices - leaving an abusive husband, going back to school... And we wanted to help out. She's always been really proud and independent so we were afraid she'd say no (I once left winter gloves under the wiper of her car at work so she'd be stuck with them) but dh told me not to leave until I got a yes. Anyway, we offered to cover her last semester of tuition because we wanted to be sure she finished to give her an earnings boost and let her lift herself more effectively. (and I did get a yes)

I think a cc is a little like that because the interest keeps building up and makes it harder to finish it off. I would start by telling her how proud you are of her for working so hard to get herself clear of her debts and that you want to help out so she can be free of the cc interest maybe.

[rodeosweetheart]

My kids are 33, 29, and 29. They all take care of themselves, all work, and very, very, seldom has any asked for money. In fact , from the time they were 16 they all worked so I did not even give them spending money from that point on.
The only time any of them asked for money was when the high school best friend of one of the twins was killed (he was in Army) and son wanted to fly across the country to attend the funeral.
I have definitely given money a few times, most of it this year.
I paid for other twin's divorce lawyer when his wife stole all the family funds and took his son and disappeared.
I gave two of the boys downpayments for houses this year. They can afford the mortgages, and they have children to take care of.

So I guess mental health emergencies and a one time house downpayment, will give same to third when he has a child and is ready to buy a house.

But I have to really reign it in and have told them it's a one time deal. Any future issues, all I can afford is for them to move in with us! Again, they are not asking for the money, I wanted to share it now when it could do them a lot of good. But I really can't afford to do that anymore, and if I stop working, it is going to be hard to even afford to go visit them.

Oh, I just remembered, I gave one son 3000 to pay off his student loans. The other owes something like 60k, so I can't do anything about that one.

It's hard; you'd love to help and pave the way for them, but you really can't, as they have to make their own way.

[Tammy]

Our three kids are grown and responsible and out of debt. But along the way we've helped them at various times in ways they didn't expect. I think the key is that the adult children are not relying on the patents to pay their way, and are grateful when help is given, and don't spend money in the future expecting a bailout. As long as this is the situation, it's a blessing when parents can afford to assist along the way.

[Zoe Girl]

well i would say help if you can, definitely. i am the one out of the 3 grown children who has needed help (i am 48) i chose an education career and didn't get a job in the recession. my parents basically helped me so i could make sure i covered everything for my kids like reallyexpensive health insurance. i am a lot of guilt about that and about not choosing to be an accountant or something else so i have mixed feelings about the consequence of her working in the arts. i would like to think that working in some fields are not just for people who are willing to be poor or have other means of support, but then again i am not doing artistic things myself due to working.

she sounds like a person who would not take advantage and lets be honest, it is a really rough world out there right now

[ToomuchStuff]

No one can tell you what to do. You have offered help, that she has rebuked before and she shared with you information, about how she is succeeding and proud of herself. Because she is, you want to help her with a push, but do you have experience that could tell you the answer? For example, does she get money back from taxes and how she treats that? (goes towards the debt, works as a minor emergency fund, or is blow/fun money) That might tell you what your check could end up as, or she could simply take it as an insult when she told you what she is accomplishing. (and is looking for moral, not financial support)

[catherine]

I agree with everyone who says it's entirely up to you. No right or wrong. I don't think you'll "spoil" her if you give her an unexpected gift, or give her the wrong message. I can relate, because three of my kids are in low-earning positions (one artist, one musician, one advisor at a community college. They never ask me for money. They all live simply. My DD has gotten herself into too much CC debt, and she took a job she didn't really want, but it offered her more opportunity to pay off the CC faster. And then my DS had a similar issue with a medical problem, and he's paying off medical bills that are hard for him to afford. I wish I could help my kids more, but I have my own debt issues. If I were in your shoes, and the desire to help came from my heart, I probably would.

[iris lilies]

Rachel, I think it would be cool for you to pay off yo r daughter's charge card. Keep an eye on how she handles debt from then on.

I know people who purposely buy on credit, carefully make payments, pay off the thing, and start over again by buying another thing on credit. Rinse and repeat. I hope your action will inspire her to build a savings fund.

This is all assumes that it's easy for you to give her $1500.

[Radicchio]

I don't know what you should do, but in the situation you described I certainly would. It certainly doesn't sound like you will be setting up some kind of precedent that you will be her personal banker---more likely you will have to be very persuasive to get her to allow you to pay off the credit card debt. And, frankly, I don't understand when people worry that they may set a precedent that they will open their wallets on demand. The only way you set up that dynamic is to continue to finance bad choices. I would be willing to lend the money and regret it later (if I could afford it) but never do so again if the generosity is misused. It doesn't sound like that will be the case with your daughter

I have never asked my parents for money, although DH and I have helped out both of our parents on occasion. We have also gifted our children with money, but certainly not carried them financially. What you are describing is a wonderful gift---one you know she could use and would make her happy. I can't see what's wrong with that under the circumstances---certainly more appropriate than buying her some extravagant item that you think she would like.

[Dhiana]

As an artist myself I feel for your daughter. It's tough out there.

You mentioned her poor health care plan and how she seems run down to you.
Instead of giving money to pay off the CC, what about providing regular funds toward a better health care plan?
It sounds like her poor health care plan may have led to the CC debt.

Artists used to have patrons that provided regular funding, this may be a way to get more long-term "value" for your daughter. When her health is better, she can more easily pay off her own credit card.

I do also agree with the other posters that it seems a reasonable situation where paying off her CC for her wouldn't be a bad decision, either.

[sweetana3]

A gift given freely and with a lot of love and unexpected is a wonderous thing. If it is something you can financially do, I cannot think of a better thing for you to do. Tell her how much you have been impressed with her ability to take care of herself and how much you love her. Dont associate it with a birthday or holiday and it will be even more special. Maybe take her out to lunch when you give it to her.

[awakenedsoul]

It sounds like a really kind thing to do. She sounds responsible and independent. I think it would help her out and give her some relief.

When I was struggling, my mom sent me a Trader Joe's gift card for $100.00 a couple of times. It was so unexpected, and such a treat to go out and stock up on groceries. Maybe you could do something like that, if you don't feel comfortable paying the cc bill...(When people are in debt, it's hard to buy groceries and put gas in the car.)

[Rachel]

Thanks for these responses. I so appreciate the empathy expressed here. I'm going to pay off that credit card. I can afford it and I think it would mean a lot to her just now and maybe the lessening of that stress would help her health situation. Thank you again for helping me think this through.