When life smacks you in the heart

[TxZen]

Well, y'all, my dad passed away last month.It's has been the most soul searching month of my life and honestly, some days, I just want to lay on the floor and cry.

It's been 16 months of huge changes..I have lost my mom, my dad, my BIL, left a major 20 year career, started a new one, college, crazy neighbors and one good break in, and the one thing that has helped is basically starting over, from scratch.

I have been hyper focused on just living and what that definition means to me. It means more time with my family and the people that truly matter, focusing on my personal health and wellness and growth, spending time in my graduate work and doing meaningful work attached to that, saying no to a LOT of things and volunteering. I got rid of a lot of excess- emotionally, materially, physically, materially, etc.

This has compounded in a fresh start for me and in part, for my family. After finally getting this place straightened out from the break in, I focused on things like simplifying my wardrobe, cleaning out all toxic products in my house and food, being greener in my life and being more generous, even if at this point it's only time helping others.

Like I said, there are days, like yesterday, where I just wanted to scream and have a full on melt down and ya know what..I did!! I went for a walk, in the pouring rain and bawled the whole way but felt 100% by the time I got back. I am more in tune with my feelings and better at honoring them in the moment. I came home and lit a candle and did some meditation for 5 minutes as well.

As far as friends, there have been few and far between in stepping up right now when I needed them most and I am actually ok with that. Made purging fair weather friends must easier. It also means I now have stronger bonds and know where I stand with people.

Sorry, this post is all over.

[Williamsmith]

Your post reminds me of this song. I've gone through similar circumstances. You do find out who your real friends are. My avatar is a sunrise over the Altantic Ocean somewhere near North Myrtle Beach on a morning of particular clarity about my positive future. I wish for you that clarity my friend. http://youtu.be/tsjOiY1pNz8

[Lainey]

TxZen - you've definitely been through more in a short period of time than most people. But give yourself credit for continuing to go forward with positive changes. And yes, crying is a great release. Even take yourself to a sad movie and use that as a catharsis. Your spirit will thrive, I'm sure, and life will seem better each day.

[Simplemind]

Grief can sneak up on you. It often comes with clever a disguise. Persistent if denied it will come a tapping, sometimes at the most opportune time. It hates to be managed with a schedule. Sometimes it seems that if you indulge it you will go to a scary uncontrollable place. It is a universal feeling that we will all share and deal with in different ways. Hopefully surrounded by understanding and loving friends and family for support.
I was just reading an article about it and I liked how it was stated that grief wasn't something you get through but something that you carry. Your load is so very heavy right now. People often fear that and don't know what to say so they keep their distance. What they don't get is that one of the most powerful things you can do is just be there and say nothing. I understand that now and feel a great of shame in how I let friends down in the past.

[pinkytoe]

Sending my condolences on all your recent losses. Looking back over my own life, it seems like all the really hard stuff happened in "clumps". Or like the old expression, bad things happen in threes. Resilience is the key to getting through it all and it sounds like you have that.

[CathyA]

(((((Hugs)))))))

[Gardenarian]

I'm so sorry that you are going through hard times. Know that we are here for you.

[nswef]

Hugs and love to you.

[TxZen]

Thanks y'all..I went to see the doc and I am not depressed just really frustrated and overwhelmed and just need a good cry. The simplifying is really helping. When I feel that overwhelming want to run, I just breath through it, honor it, take a moment, even write something down and then I go and do something with my hands...cleaning out, drawing, even getting on Pinterest for 15 minutes.

[razz]

Another batch of online hugs since these things just seem to happen and then like a storm, they move on.

[SteveinMN]

That's a lot of bad news in a fairly short time, TxZen. But the post I read was a story of virtual rebirth and of the will to bend life to meet your values and terms. It's what we're all striving for here, I think. And you're well on your way there. My condolences for your losses -- but my cheers for refusing to spiral into victimhood and for grabbing your life by the horns!

[rodeosweetheart]

One of my favorite bumper stickers of all time is one my sil gave me-- "Don't mess with Texas women."

Hang in there!

[Rachel]

What Steve said. Way to go, resilient one! You have been through so much but look at what you are doing--going out for walks, simplifying, taking care of yourself.

I am so sorry for all these losses, it sounds terrible. Keep in touch here and let us know how you are doing. I am sending you good thoughts and positivity.

[TxZen]

I think my resiliency finally wore off this week. I think I am knee deep in a full on meltdown and I am going to embrace every dang minute of it.

[freshstart]

Grief can sneak up on you. It often comes with clever a disguise. Persistent if denied it will come a tapping, sometimes at the most opportune time. It hates to be managed with a schedule. Sometimes it seems that if you indulge it you will go to a scary uncontrollable place. It is a universal feeling that we will all share and deal with in different ways. Hopefully surrounded by understanding and loving friends and family for support.
I was just reading an article about it and I liked how it was stated that grief wasn't something you get through but something that you carry. Your load is so very heavy right now. People often fear that and don't know what to say so they keep their distance. What they don't get is that one of the most powerful things you can do is just be there and say nothing. I understand that now and feel a great of shame in how I let friends down in the past.

very well put

[freshstart]

I think my resiliency finally wore off this week. I think I am knee deep in a full on meltdown and I am going to embrace every dang minute of it.

go with it, your resilience will be there when you get back