View Full Version : I got lucky!
I'm very lucky things didn't work out with The Guy whom I was gaga over, but who said he was only interested in me as a friend.
With it being Lent, there have been some area-wide church services that I've seen him at. We've exchanged a few emails. I'll not go into much detail, don't really need to, but I've learned:
*that he really is a momma's boy (only son AND only child). From some things he's said, it does appear that he's never lived away from home (even went to a local college as a commuter student).
*Lack of gumption. He'll talk about stuff and still talk about it, while I've gone and DONE things I've talked about while he's still talking.
*Nice enough fellow and helps a lot of folks (or at least talks about helping), but he has a lack of spine, backbone, whatever you want to call it. It's like he's got a spine of overcooked pasta. Kind of a wuss. Whines, which sets my teeth on edge.
*A history of not sticking to stuff and kind of floating from one thing to another. I truly wonder if he will be able to stick it out for three years at seminary. It will be culture shock, at the least, being away from home!
*when we had The Talk, he said people kept telling him he had to be married to be a parish priest (the hierarchy frowns on ordaining celibates for parish ministry. If a man wants to be a celibate priest, he generally has to be in a monastery), and the more they kept telling him it was pretty much a non-negotiable, the more he dug his heels and didn't want to do it (get married). I had a mental image of a young boy clenching his fists and teeth and saying, "I don't wanna!"
Whatever. But I'm glad I "escaped." There likely would have been issues before long with my independent nature and his being attached to the apron strings.
I'm polite and chatty about all my activities when we run into each other, put out my hand (for him to shake) rather than waiting for him to try and move in for a kiss, even one on the cheek, and then just go up and join the choir. That's another thing - he goes on and on about wanting to join the choir for these special services, but he doesn't show up for rehearsal - no rehearsal, no sing. Period.
Whew!
Sounds like you saw enough and were wise enough to avoid a major commitment that would not have gone well. I will say that us independant women who get things done are not going to take anyone to just have a man around. Okay that makes me think of my sweetie. After seeing me run myself around to work on goals the last 10 months he decided to work on a certificate that is very challenging but a big boost to his career and independance in his field rather than moan that I am not available as often as we both would like. My sweetie is not perfect, he has issues like I do but they are the ones I can live with (like doing a lot of laundry for relaxation, some OCD-ness which I am used to from my dad).
I must say the needing to be married to be a parish priest could be a good thing. I does mean that he would have to leave home and learn how to have a relationship before he ended up counseling couples on relationships. It is a lot of work to be married and do it well after all. I am glad you saw he was not ready for that kind of work.
The only thing I would challenge you on is that you said you were lucky, I would rather say you were wise.
You were lucky to have learned it was going nowhere before you got too much more emotionally attached. That was difficult enough, but better than being strung along and 'courted' for a couple more years and learning the bad stuff drip by drip...
He might be weak and a momma's boy, but at least he was upfront about not being seriously interested in an adult relationship.
'Whew' is right.
You were lucky to have learned it was going nowhere before you got too much more emotionally attached. That was difficult enough, but better than being strung along for a couple more years and learning the bad stuff drip by drip... He might be weak and a momma's boy, but at least he was upfront about not being seriously interested in an adult relationship.
'Whew' is right.
He was only upfront after I asked! I was getting very mixed messages.
The only thing I would challenge you on is that you said you were lucky, I would rather say you were wise.
Maybe wise after the fact, but I still consider myself lucky. If he hadn't said that he wasn't romantically interested in me when I brought the subject up, then I would likely have stuck with him, at least until his true colors started showing.
You dodged one there, good luck/wisdom indeed!
He was only upfront after I asked! I was getting very mixed messages.
Yes, but at least he was truthful about it when you asked. Some guys might not have been that straight-forward about it in order to keep the relationship going since he was getting something from it, or just not able to deliver face to face 'bad news'...
He may be weak, but he had enough good characteristics for you to have been interested in the first place. I think you are lucky and I'm not taking his side, but just suggesting you were not interested in a complete turd, just someone with too many flaws that were not immediately visible. Better to know sooner than later. And good on you for asking.
He may be weak, but he had enough good characteristics for you to have been interested in the first place. I think you are lucky and I'm not taking his side, but just suggesting you were not interested in a complete turd, just someone with too many flaws that were not immediately visible. Better to know sooner than later. And good on you for asking.
I'll agree with that.
loosechickens
4-8-11, 11:24pm
Ah.....things really DO work out well in the end. Even if at the time, they seem a bit heartbreaking. I'm glad for you, Tradd. I really am. I know it was hard on you to get such mixed messages from him, especially since at first glance you seemed so well suited together. But, in the end, an independent woman like yourself would never be happy with a momma's boy, and the momma's boys are really unable to deal with independent women, usually.
And a man who hasn't managed to transition from his parents into a really independent life of his own by his 40s isn't likely to change, and there are enough indications of his inability or disinclination to do so that you should count yourself lucky, as you do.
yes, to all that but still he was cute. :~)
yes, to all that but still he was cute. :~)
Yeah, that! ;) You would chuckle to see the old ladies in my parish coming up to me occasionally and asking about "that adorable fellow"! :P He came to one event at my parish and you should have seen the old blue-haired dears lining up to meet him. It was rather funny!
He came to one event at my parish and you should have seen the old blue-haired dears lining up to meet him. It was rather funny!
Hmm, I wonder if that could have been some sort of signal - maybe the blue-haired dears inherently recognized a boy who loves his mama. ;)
I agree that you were both lucky and wise. And I would also give him a little credit for being honest rather than stringing you along. Maybe the three years in seminary will mature him. It does sound like he would benefit from a bit of distance from his parents.
So now you are free to see who else might be out there who is more aligned with your goals and personality. I have a feeling there is someone -- he's probably just so busy getting things done you haven't run into him yet!
Have fun and keep your eyes open. You never know who might pop into your life when you are least expecting it. I remember having a long and impassioned conversation with my now-DH a couple of years before we got together about how I was NEVER going to marry or have kids. Funny how things change....
lhamo
I am so happy for you Tradd!
A super hats off to you for seeing the reality of the situation and ASK what his reality was rather than just reading his mind for him.
Love Goggles can be very blinding.
loosechickens
4-9-11, 11:18pm
well, the blue haired dears LOVED Liberace, too.....but he wasn't much of a husband prospect, either. The blue haired ladies sometimes lack judgment, hahahaha.
I'm a firm believer in the view that the Universe doesn't put "The One" in front of you unless and until you just quit looking, go on with your life and think, "well, if somebody comes along, fine, and if they don't, that's fine, too"......and then, and only then do the powers that control these things loosen up........(and you can't just SAY it, you have to believe it inside, or it's still a no go").
I have to really agree here. Some men (and I suppose, some women) will really string a potential partner along. Good on you, Tradd, for having the wisdom and courage to have "the talk". A lot of women will bury their head in the sand and hang around for years just hoping for the results they want. We have all seen it.
Again, good for you.
goldensmom
4-12-11, 9:38am
Romans 8:28..........I'm sure you already know this Tradd but it's good to be reminded as you look back.
Rather interesting update. I unfriended The Guy on FB months ago. Tonight I got a message from a local friend asking me if I'd seen The Guy's post on his FB page (friend hadn't known I'd unfriended The Guy months ago). Turns out The Guy was asked to leave the seminary (orientation was all of last week) because he couldn't pay tuition.
The guy had debt (amount unknown), but he'd not worked in something like 18 months. Was holding out for a job in a particular field, which didn't come through due to economy downturn. He was one-track in his thinking about going to seminary, but didn't take any job possible to get his debt paid down. He put all his eggs in one basket, and the last time I talked to him, had no Plan B.
My friend said the guy somehow thought he could get his M.Div (three year program) and work, which isn't possible, from the amount of time spent in services, as well as classes and homework. It seems he didn't talk to much of anyone because if he had, he would have quickly learned that working while at the seminary was simply not possible.
I'm sorry for The Guy that it didn't work out for him, and I hope he treats this as a learning experience.
And it drove home again how glad I am that things didn't work out with him. Go-getter, independent chick who researches things thoroughly when planning something, even a possibility of something, wouldn't have dovetailed well with a guy who doesn't plan and just seems to talk.
I've got my cr*p together. And people who don't, when they should, make my teeth itch something fierce. I would have been extremely frustrated on a regular basis, me thinks.
Whew!
good for you for seeing warning flags for you and not getting too deep or committed;
i spent many years with boys, young men who were not suited for me; but because they showed me some affection and attention i gave my body and mind too;
the man who found me still hangs onto me after almost thirty years; it was thhe first time someone actuallly tried so many different things to get me to date him; the kicker was when he came to my door with my favorite ice cream! and so the story began;
Hope that one you can find someone who has their cr*p together as well as you do. :)
That seems extraordinarily ill-prepared of him, I must say. Not operating like the leader of a flock.
That seems extraordinarily ill-prepared of him, I must say. Not operating like the leader of a flock.
Iris, what a wonderfully understated way of putting it!
Tradd. Whew is right! LMAO! So happy I am for you over the way things turned out.
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