When your friends start dying off [Archive]

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catherine

11-22-15, 4:58pm

I know there are several people here around my age (60-something). One of the things I'm finding is that your friends die. OK, everyone dies, but if someone dies in their 30s or 40s it's an odd, tragic event.

Now, I find that people die, and it's not an odd occasion anymore.

Today I was following the news about a friend of some of my friends who graduated high school with me. He died of cancer just a few hours ago. When I saw the news on Facebook, I recalled a good friend of my husband's who had breast cancer. For some strange reason I looked her up on FB (my DH is "friends" with her, but I'm not), and I learned that she, too, died today, of breast cancer. I didn't know her well, but I had invited her to my DH's 60th birthday two years ago, and she was quick to RSVP, and it was lovely to see her.

I posted here about my sadness with regard to my DDs BFs mother, who died just before my DS's wedding. I did wind up wearing her picture in my locket, along with a picture of my DDIL's mother who died in her 50s of breast cancer. I am glad I did. I just feel that losing them reminds me that I have a responsibility to love life for them. To not take anything for granted, and to let their love flow through me to those they left behind.

I saw an interview with Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw and the interviewer asked them what getting older meant to them, and they both agreed the word was "loss." Sad to hear, but I'm starting to get it.

lessisbest

11-22-15, 5:23pm

I was a cemetery sexton for a couple decades in a small country cemetery, so I've been directly involved in death and burials. It becomes crystal clear that none of us are going to make it out alive..... And as the Bible puts it, we are all counted as sheep for the slaughter, we just don't know the appointed time.

But you do get to an age where it gets close and real. Was it when I was a freshman and a schoolmate committed suicide? A friend who died his Junior year in a motorcycle accident while coming home from the hospital after visiting his mother who was dying of cancer? My husband and his close friend were in a car accident their Freshman year of college and his friend died.... My mother passed away first, then my father a little over a year later, and we buried their cremains at the same time in the same urn. I remember after the service my older sister looking at the oldest brother and saying, "Well, I guess you're next!" That brings it into perspective.

When my husband's great-aunt was 100, she was still active and healthy, but she said she didn't have any contemporaries left to share memories with. That was pretty sad....

iris lilies

11-22-15, 5:27pm

Funny, just yesterday, I was thinking about this.

I have to say that so far, no peer deaths have really affected me. That's either because I'm oblivious or lucky. But that will start to change, I think, as time goes on. In our group our of friends we've had only one surprise death, and he had cancer, then died from a surprise after-effect. He was ten years older than I am so perhaps I am justifying it to myself that way. We also have a few 80 year old people sprinkled in our group of friends, so are seeing the other side, people who go to Europe, walk a mile a day, etc.

This may sound superficial, but the death that affected me most in the past few years was that of James Gandolfini. A little less so for Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Gandolfini got me thorough a difficult period at work during which I binge watched The Sopranos. When you binge watch rather than wait for the weekly installment of a television show, you know those characters on a more intimate level. Its like having them over for a dinner party several times for several hours at a time.

kib

11-22-15, 5:29pm

It's one of the strange things about my parents' retirement community: everybody dies. They moved in comparatively young, so more or less everyone they knew when they arrived is dead now. Not "someday eventually", but about 50-50 chance someone will be gone the next time I visit. How's Maddie? Oh, she passed on. Like oh, she's on vacation. I guess this is a good way to become familiar with the increasing likelihood of death, but I guess I'm not quite there yet, I still find it disturbing every time it happens.

I've been pretty lucky in my personal life in this regard so far, but then I never knew very many people, seems like DH hears the news of someone else going every couple of months.

sweetana3

11-22-15, 5:29pm

About 10 years or so ago, my husband and I talked about losing our parents. We are now down to one left. She is in good shape and right now in a happy and settled life.

A very sad day in my life was when my best friend died at 55. She was honestly in middle of the best part of her whole life. She was finally happy, settled, kids were grown and now ok, loved her job and life was good. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer although it took quite a long time and a lot of arguments amoung cancer specialists.

rodeosweetheart

11-22-15, 5:35pm

Recently I was thinking about someone we used to socialize with when I was married to my first husband. For the second time in a couple of years, I found out that our friend had died--first the wife of a couple we were very close to, and then the husband of another couple. They were both friends from "his" side and so I lost them in the divorce.

It was so weird to find that they were both dead--both had cancer.

Of course, I still remember them how they were 25 years ago, vital and in their prime, and happy, and great company. The kind of people you love to go out with because you laugh so hard you cry.

So yeah, Catherine, I know exactly what you mean, and I guess it has started.

freshstart

11-22-15, 5:50pm

my ex-husband plays in a band with a small following, he takes time off to play shows often. He is 15 yrs older than me. Throughout our time together, I was close to the band and their spouses, of course I lost those friendships in the divorce. Last week, the kids showed me a picture of the band, besides my ex, the leader and one other guy, every other person had died. Drummer, entire brass section except that one guy and all the fiddle and mandolin players. I know they are not my "people" anymore but it still felt so sad to see they are just gone. They were not old, old, they were in their 60s.

it hasn't started for me yet, well, my mom is terminal, but my friends aren't dying. Hugs for those going through it.

iris lilies

11-22-15, 5:59pm

In case the surprise death is me, I started telling my close freinds that I want to die suddenly, I want people to say "I just saw her last week and she looked fine!" and they should not be sorry for a quit demise on my part.

Float On

11-22-15, 7:20pm

My parents talk about planning their social events around the Obits page in the newspaper every week.

Williamsmith

11-22-15, 8:59pm

Valley

11-22-15, 10:21pm

Tammy

11-22-15, 10:59pm

Having been online for almost 20 years, I often wonder how that part of my life will end. I think about making a list of passwords so whoever closes my estate can log into each place I frequent to say goodby for me. It seems like I shouldn't just disappear without a goodby to my online connections.

Audrey - I'm sorry to hear about the fast progression. Your doing all you can to live each day is inspiring to me. Hugs.

Teacher Terry

11-23-15, 12:35am

I have lost friends starting in my early 40's. 4 years ago my good friend's 19 yo daughter died & now I have a few close friends dying. By the time my Mom was in her 80's all her friends were dead. You just never know. Audrey I am really sorry to hear about your progression. None of us ever knows what is in store for us. We just need to be grateful for every day.

ToomuchStuff

11-23-15, 1:48am

It's really simple..no different than bubbles bursting in a bathtub. You see the bubbles burst all around you and one day yours bursts. Isn't it just as simple as that ? I mean, who wants to schedule their death? "Get busy living or get busy dying" it's true.

Some people do, Typically ones with severe medical conditions, or depression. There have been cases (and news reports) about this.

Death has been with us forever. My first happy memory, is actually a sad memory to others. (and was modified to just a memory by a relative who explained the reason I was there) Spent decades dreaming about my death, due to the fear of a relative instilled in me as a child, and faced situations that I wasn't sure I would live through. (just hoped it was relatively quick and painless, rather then what I dreamed)
Grew up with it. From a friend in elementary that no one was sure would make it (Leukemia), to deaths of grand and great grandparent, when a child, friends and acquaintances through school. Suicides by various friends and methods (drunk Russian roulette I still don't get), cancer (stopped counting brain tumor friends when it hit 20), etc.
May not help that I have always felt more comfortable around older people then my own generation (long way to go to 60), and it certainly doesn't help that I have known as many people as I have (dreamed that I would live more as a hermit until I expected to be dead by 30).
Choosing ones method and date, seems much more agreeable then a slow, painful process that I have seen too often. But one doesn't always get to choose. (friend close to 40, collapsed, rushed to hospital and after diagnosing was rushed to the ER, for the 5 surgery of that type performed in that year. Was given no more then a 50/50 chance with the knowledge the last three didn't make it. Pulled through, and lived almost two more years, and now we hope the kids didn't inherit the genetic defect)
Another friends father, as the old joke went, passed away quickly and peacefully in his sleep, passing out, then passing while driving his three buddies to the golf course, and they had to work around his body to stop the car).
Heck, I may not wake up tomorrow for all we know.

Williamsmith

11-23-15, 2:14am

I was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) one year ago. Unfortunately, it has progressed very quickly. I've known from the first day of diagnosis that this is a terminal illness. I'm in the power chair full time now and have almost totally lost the ability to speak. I'm trying to do whatever I can still do as long as I can do it. Life is meant to be lived. I'm glad that my faith is strong, but I still have times when I'm sad about what I'm going to miss in my grandchildren's lives. I never thought that I would be dealing with death in my 60's.
Audrey

Audrey I woke up as I typically do in some pain and as a way to get back to sleep try to divert my attention from the uncomfortableness to reading while the pain medicine takes effect. I am including you in my prayers. I believe in prayer. I believe when others bring their cares to God, he responds with compassion. This is what I hope for and I feel certain you will continue to live life fully, with meaning and purpose. As Tammy mentioned...you inspire me. Godspeed.

freshstart

11-23-15, 3:16am

"Get busy living or get busy dying" it's true.

this reminds me of a very smug oncologist who would round on his weekend by piling charts up and writing notes but never got up to see patients. He sucked at pain and comfort measures so we didn't belong to a mutual adulation society to put it mildly. When a patient was clearly days from death, I had to beg for hospice referrals so treatment could stop and they could have some peace maybe even at home. He would never write for it, saying, "we're all dying, from the day you are born, you are dying." Thanks for the advice Obi One Kenobi, but some are dying right now and you are as useless as tits on a bull. I snapped back something similar to this but nicer since he was the oncology chief. The oncology chief falsifying records since he didn't visit the patients he was supposed to round on. Nice guy, real ethical. I calmly said, "and some of us are dying too damn slow," and walked away.

two weeks later he was crossing the street (jaywalking of course) in front of me and it flitted through my brain, if I smush him since he says he's dying already........ I let him cross and live, lol

freshstart

11-23-15, 3:18am

Life is meant to be lived. I'm glad that my faith is strong, but I still have times when I'm sad about what I'm going to miss in my grandchildren's lives. I never thought that I would be dealing with death in my 60's.
Audrey

I'm so sorry, ALS is so hard, I wish you peace and comfort

rosarugosa

11-23-15, 4:55am

Hey Audrey, I'm so glad you posted because I was thinking that we hadn't heard from you recently and I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry the news isn't better, but it is still good to hear from you. You are often in my thoughts and I wish you well.

catherine

11-23-15, 7:43am

Audrey, I also thank you for posting.

Ultralight

11-23-15, 8:27am

Guys I went to high school with die all the time. Alcohol, drugs, and car wrecks...

pinkytoe

11-23-15, 9:49am

I proudly announced to DD that our wills and other significant docs were finally done - better late than never. She said I was being morbid but it becomes apparent the older you get that your number will be up sooner than you wish. I witnessed family death in my mid 30s - mother father, brother - slow, painful ones. I think it has given me a different perspective on life than some who haven't gone through that. I am sorry for anyone who has to suffer like they did.

Float On

11-23-15, 9:58am

Audrey, thanks for checking in. I pray for you often.

Valley

11-23-15, 1:56pm

Thanks everyone for your caring comments...I appreciate them!
Audrey

CathyA

11-23-15, 3:08pm

I'm sending good thoughts your way too Audrey. ((((hugs)))).

This is a hard thread to read and think about. I've been thinking about it (the issue of dying) for a long time. It's a very curious/confusing issue for me............being alive, and then not. I don't understand it. I can't imagine it. I can't imagine not having thought.

I do know that I'm very lucky to be almost 66. Many people don't have that experience. At our extended family get-togethers, it's just so strange to see us "kids" as the old folks now. I guess more than being dead myself, I worry the sadness it will cause my kids. But such is life, right? I love the German poem by Goethe about flying towards the flame......That we all die and become.........and if we didn't, we would just be sad visitors on the earth. I feel like I fight it (death) and I don't want to. I want to accept it as how this planet/universe is set up, and I want to do what is natural. But it's hard.

Sometimes I think losing friends/family allows us to slowly back away from life. I didn't say that very well. I guess it might help us to go more willingly. The thought of doing what nature expects of me is somehow soothing....

Geeze..........I need to go take some extra med. :~)

Tenngal

11-25-15, 12:03pm

I will be 60 in Feb. Yes, I am losing people. 3 people I used to date within the past 2 years. Classmates and old friends. It is disturbing knowing that they died so young and were not ready to go.

Florence

11-25-15, 12:53pm

catherine

11-25-15, 1:39pm

Last month DH and I went to our 50th high school class reunion. It was wonderful to see so many people from so long ago. We had a board with photos of all our class members who are deceased and I think everyone spent some time just looking and remembering. We are planning another reunion in 5 years, the motto is "Stay Alive for 55!"

I had the same experience at my high school reunion last summer (45th). We were all surprised at how many we had lost.

Just a few weeks ago, I thought about one of my best friends from college with whom I had lost touch. She was just a ray of sunshine ALL the time. Cheerful, but not naive--she could be as deep as she could be effervescent. She wound up in the convent for several years but never took her final vows.

So in an odd moment (probably when I was trying to procrastinate writing a report) I thought I'd google her to see if I could get a hint as to where she is so I could get in touch with her. What I found was her obituary--she had passed away in early September of this year--just three weeks prior to my google search. I was taken aback for sure.

pinkytoe

11-25-15, 2:10pm

I've been thinking about it (the issue of dying) for a long time. It's a very curious/confusing issue for me............being alive, and then not. I don't understand it. I can't imagine it. I can't imagine not having thought.
My odd way of thinking about it is that I don't remember a thing before I was born so death will be the same. This is how we all exit. I used the same logic during childbirth when it too seemed monumental - this is how we all got here. I have always like the phrase - "eternal sleep"; I find going to cemeteries a very peaceful thing.

frugal-one

11-25-15, 3:07pm

Teacher Terry

11-25-15, 3:22pm

I knew someone that died on the couch with his suitcase packed waiting for his ride to the airport-ugh! Never took that vacation.

rosarugosa

11-25-15, 7:11pm

Cathy A: I'm with you in finding it unfathomable to consider the cessation of conscious thought. It gives me a headache, so I try not to think about it!
Pinkytoe: That's a good way of looking at it. My FIL used to call it the "big dirt nap." I think that was a quote from somewhere.

catherine

11-25-15, 8:38pm

Cathy A: I'm with you in finding it unfathomable to consider the cessation of conscious thought. It gives me a headache, so I try not to think about it!

I remember a colleague of mine who had a really bizarre infection that nearly took his life and put him in a coma for weeks. Thankfully he recovered and returned to work after months of rehab. I was dying to talk to him about his NDE, so I asked him if he recalled anything from being in a coma. He said, "Yeah, all I remember is being in India eating pizza with my mother." I was so disappointed.. no tunnel with a light at the end. Just an ordinary dream about pizza.

I think consciousness seems so miraculous and inexplicable I'm open to any possibility as to what happens when I've shed my mortal coil, but my big sadness is that I will probably never get to know answers to all these mysteries.

ctg492

11-26-15, 4:48am

Dad is 86, for the last 20 years or so after he reads the local obits he tosses the paper down and says "yes, I beat another one!". Mom used to tell me through out life everything happens to your friends about the same time, weddings, births, divorces, grand babies and death. Then she would say since she saw lots of passing from working as a nurse in a nursing home, that no tears when old people who lived long and full filling lives pasted, only when they were young and taken to soon.

Now there is a happy thought for the day.

Teacher Terry

11-26-15, 11:49am

My good friend lost her 19yo daughter 4 years ago & the grief is incomprehensible. If one of us passes at 60 some people will say that person was young well not really.

ctg492

11-27-15, 3:14pm

Teacher Terry, DO you speak memories of your friend's daughter with your friend? Does you friend bring the daughter up in conversation, like Oh I remember when...

I ask because our neighbor's son was killed the week before we moved in 6 years ago, he was 24 at the time same age as my son. I tread water lightly around the mom as she has never spoke of him. The father will say just common things as any parent would speak of their child from memory. The father mentions the anniversary and what they will do on that day. It is usually helping out at the soup kitchen, going on a day bike ride or such. I actually try hard not to bring up what my son is doing in life as not to spark sadness. I don't know if that is good or bad to do?

Teacher Terry

11-27-15, 7:22pm

This is my best friend so we talk about Hannah alot . I knew her from the time she was 4 yo. WE have went through the grief together & still experience bouts of crying when taking about her. She does have another daughter which is good. However, all the milestones Hannah is missing are difficult ( career, marriage, kids. etc). However, your situation is very different. I think if you lost your only child it would be even harder if that is possible. I think I would follow her lead like you are doing.