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View Full Version : Why does having a peaceful life feel strange?



sylvia
11-27-15, 11:53pm
I grew up in somewhat of chaos and drama, I emigrated as a child from another country being uprooted , then the drama of an alcoholic parent. Now I have my own family , two teenagers and a new baby. Strangely Ive simplified and worked through issues and now Im sincerely at peace in my life. Things have settled in quite nicely Ive made my situation in my life work for me. Ive actually decided on choosing peace rather than chaos , suddenly the drama small and large ended or at least became manageable. Im proactive now not reactive. But sometimes peacefulness feels strange especially family harmony because its here and it started with me.Any similar experiences?

Ultralight
11-28-15, 10:27am
My life is more peaceful than it once was. And sometimes I look around and think: "Is my life peaceful or just boring?"

I struggle with this.


I do think that you have made great strides considering you grew up with an alcoholic parent. That can put some folks on a lifetime track of dysfunction. So kudos to you!

SteveinMN
11-28-15, 10:28am
But sometimes peacefulness feels strange especially family harmony because its here and it started with me.Any similar experiences?
None directly. But DW works with many people in crisis as a social worker. Her observation is that the environment in which one grows up is a powerful teacher. Women who are abused by their partners very often come from families in which there was similar abuse. Though the kids watching "dad" beating mom may have been disturbed by the scenes, it was normal for them -- and for their peers -- and women being beaten by men who ostensibly love them became a paradigm they carried into their own adult lives. Similar paradigms exist when people grow up living from paycheck to paycheck and relying on credit and when they careen from crisis to crisis because they don't know anything other than continually fighting those fires.

It takes a lot of energy to break cycles like that, and few people can do it all by themselves. At a minimum it requires some family and friends who can support (or at least not fight against) your decisions and efforts. Kudos to you for working through all of that!

Gardnr
11-28-15, 10:29am
It's not mainstream or 'the norm' hence it feels strange. It is very difficult to find folks who are like-minded to share this joy with on a routine basis. I think peacefulness in life and with money is an alone place....not lonely...alone.

Enjoy:D

catherine
11-28-15, 10:38am
None directly. But DW works with many people in crisis as a social worker. Her observation is that the environment in which one grows up is a powerful teacher. Women who are abused by their partners very often come from families in which there was similar abuse. Though the kids watching "dad" beating mom may have been disturbed by the scenes, it was normal for them -- and for their peers -- and women being beaten by men who ostensibly love them became a paradigm they carried into their own adult lives. Similar paradigms exist when people grow up living from paycheck to paycheck and relying on credit and when they careen from crisis to crisis because they don't know anything other than continually fighting those fires.

It takes a lot of energy to break cycles like that, and few people can do it all by themselves. At a minimum it requires some family and friends who can support (or at least not fight against) your decisions and efforts. Kudos to you for working through all of that!

+1
If one learns in childhood that "normal" is chaos, that's what we subconsciously seek as adults, even if our rational brain shows us something different as we get older. It takes work to learn to accept a new normal.

Ultralight
11-28-15, 10:40am
It takes work to learn to accept a new normal.

This right here is a really, really good point.

TxZen
11-28-15, 11:07am
My peace kicked in over the past 3-4 weeks. I am learning to just bask in it. :)

sylvia
11-28-15, 11:55am
Wow thanks for the responses. It does take work to accept a new normal, stability , quiet and peace. I grew up raised by my grandparents in the old country where that was where they lived for 40 years in the same home , retired and happy with their new grandbaby which was me. Later I was uprooted and emigrated with my parents and it was rocky chaotic and lonely. So I guess I am returning to my early days so to speak. Its true one can confuse Peace with boredom, but then Peace is like relief and shelter from the storm of outside life and boredom is lack of curiousity, I think.Peace is your safe place and when you feel safe you become curious about exploring new things.

JaneV2.0
11-28-15, 12:07pm
... Its true one can confuse Peace with boredom, but then Peace is like relief and shelter from the storm of outside life and boredom is lack of curiousity, I think.Peace is your safe place and when you feel safe you become curious about exploring new things.

I couldn't agree more that boredom is a lack of curiosity; how could anyone be bored in this fascinating world? I think it can also be a sign of depression. Good for you for getting to that place of peace.

(The last time I had a taste for drama was in middle school, but apparently a lot of people love the turmoil of it.)

sylvia
11-28-15, 12:40pm
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C_BU8-4j2oo/VP22NBQxbKI/AAAAAAAAbRU/x8Hxhi1ci04/s1600/IMG_8559.JPG

sylvia
11-28-15, 12:43pm
http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2014-12-01-einsteinscuriosity.jpg

iris lilies
11-28-15, 12:56pm
I like my life to be simple and my relationships and situations to be calm.

i like my drama to be at the end of a computer or TV screen. I do likes dramas, just not in my household or sphere of influence.

sylvia
11-28-15, 1:13pm
I feel the same way Iris what a waste of energy living like that. I have other family members that live like that everyday sort of a Jerry Springer episode.

Zoe Girl
11-28-15, 2:41pm
It does take an adjustment, I know that when I was first divorced and some of the things that had always been crisis started to settle that it was a strange feeling. Things like going to the grocery store and realizing I didn't have to have an extensive reasoning behind every item I bought in case I was interrogated later. Then I just stood there in calm and also completely lost on how to shop! I had gotten hooked a little in the stress and drama, but also a big part of it was that the quiet had always been scarier than the blow ups. The longer the quiet and calm went the bigger the blow up. So I learned to not trust calm for a long time. Took many years of practice (I meditate) to work with that.

sylvia
11-28-15, 6:08pm
Dear Zoe no one should have to live like that in fear and have to explain themselves. So there must be different kinds of calm and Peace. Fake calm I remember the fake joy then the blow ups I can relate. We do take that with us sometimes, I had blow ups and meltdowns, but now after 40 and I am enjoying being 40! There is no one to answer to I have a wonderful DH , but I am working on my end of staying peaceful and not reactionary.

creaker
11-28-15, 6:25pm
Once you're out of crisis mode, you're stuck with figuring out what should come next. And if you've always lived in crisis mode, you often don't have a clue - it can be daunting, difficult and scary to all of a sudden have control of your life. Enough so that many people will continually create crisis to avoid going there.

After my divorce I created nice, safe, quiet zone around my life, and it's so much better than the chaos that preceded it. Now I'm in a place I was never in before - I need to push myself out of my comfort zone if I'm going to grow. And it feels really odd.

sylvia
11-28-15, 7:32pm
so true creaker, crisis mode went on when my sons were younger with one who had many disabilities, me who was losing my hearing. Now things are steady like homestasis and love having a nice safe quiet zone, well until my baby starts crawling then walking we will have toddler chaos.Having less stuff to deal with or distractions will make the journey lighter.

jp1
11-29-15, 12:36am
I've never lived n chaos and drama and can't imagine putting up with it for more than a week or two. I had a couple of friends in college who seemed to constantly be having chaos and drama in their lives. Eventually I figured out that I needed to keep some distance. Both were nice people but I just was exhausted if I spent too much time around them. After I graduated I lost contact. A couple of years ago one found me on Facebook. Her life hasn't changed. Just as much drama and chaos as 30 years ago. I eventually had to unfollow her posts because even just reading about her life wore me out.

Another friend, more recently, believed that if there wasn't drama (read arguing and fighting) in a relationship then it meant that you weren't really in love. One day SO came home with a t-shirt that said "it's not love until there's a restraining order." And I realized that my friend wouldn't get the joke since he'd just agree with it. Personally I just can't imagine living like that. I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a cave and never see another person if that was my only other choice.

Williamsmith
11-29-15, 3:56am
Sylvia if you have two teens and an infant and you have found peace. Please enjoy it now. I cannot imagine having three other young lives around without some chaos. I have three adult kids and their lives are still causing me turmoil. It seems they take turns interrupting my peace that I Have created. What with divorces, weddings, surprise pregnancies, job challenges, fInancial needs, boyfriends and girlfriends, luxury spending, and all the conflicts involved in their lives being dragged into mine.........keep on trUckin girl.

iris lilies
11-29-15, 1:32pm
As I read about all of the poor parenting on this thread, I have to say that I've seen times when children try to "manage" their parents and their affairs according to how they "should" be.

I say, let go of your expectations. I am not talking about alcoholic parents and parents with severe hoarding problems because I think it's entirely reasonable for kids to have a desire for their parents to choose their children over their addiction.that is sad, but true.

I mean, let your fairly normal parents be who they are--BUT certainly limit your own resources going to those parents. Limit your help (money, time) and draw a boundary as to how much of your own life energy and resources will go into "helping" the elderly parents.

Someone in this or another thread used the term"cold shoulder." See, to me that's just a term that the elderly parents will use. I would think of this situation as "I don't have money to come and help you/I don't have time off work to come and help you" and the reality for me which would be "I don't have interest in helping you." Yep, I get to do what interests me in life, it's my life.

I observed this in my own family when my 75 year old mother was plaiying shenanigans with her 79 year old boyfriend. I kept distance from the craziness because she was in no danger physically or financially. So, why NOT let her storm around slamming down the phone when he calls and throwing his stuff back on his doorstep and etc etc. But my brother and sister in law seemed to feel the need to get involved in all that. There was no logical reason why, but I suspect my SIL, child of an alcoholic, just could not let the drama go without inserting herself into it.

It was a similar thing when they helped my mother move out of her Texas winter place. Rather than taking the easy way out, taking all of her stuff ( which wasn't that much) and donating it to the second hand store in Rockport, they had to rent a trailer and load it up, haul it to Iowa, and then sell each piece. This was entirely on them. For me this would have been a 3 day event, for them it took 1 week.

During that event there was some story about my mother throwing herself on the floor and having a literal temper tantrum but it wasn't about her "stuff" she would have been fine jettisoning it, I really do not remember what the tantrum was about. See, I just let that stuff go. This semi crazy behavior from our mother was tied in to her growing Alzheimer's symptoms but was exacerbated by her son and DIL "managing" parts of her life they didn't need to manage.

So from my perspective, a fair number of actions taken by children of the elderly are unnecessary, and sometimes escalate the situation.

iris lilies
11-29-15, 1:44pm
Our lives are so calm and predictable that I've always said we could write the same damned Christmas letter every year, and the only thing that would be (slightly) different would be the bulldog in our Holiday photo. but because it's always a bulldog for the past 23 years, many wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the dogs.

Ultralight
11-30-15, 8:50am
Our lives are so calm and predictable that I've always said we could write the same damned Christmas letter every year...

I like how you say this with pride!

My life used to be a lot more exciting -- getting into trouble (and halfway out), more women, more road trips, protests, playing in a band, various forms of creative disruption, and so forth.

Now when people I have not spoken with in a while ask me what I have been up to I noticed my responses are the same.

"I've just been out fishing."

Or... "Been doing quite a bit of reading."

Things like that... though I do some lifestyle experiments so I guess there is that to mix things up.

nswef
11-30-15, 1:07pm
I have to agree with the joy of peacefulness. I LOVE having no drama and excitement. I love that I get up in the morning able to do my quiet routine and be ready for the day. I feel very fortunate. I wish it for those who suffer from drama that is none of their doing. I realize many people have problems and people in their lives who are not calming.

sylvia
12-3-15, 2:25pm
Maybe "creating peace "and "managing " others is almost like being a controlling person?? Or are we just becoming indifferent? It's true about adult kids trying to manage their parents but in my case it's the same pattern. They mess up, hide their mess, then comes the snowballing legal problems. You try to do damage control. Currently I am giving them space so I can have the peace (co -dependent no more).Peaceful life is truly a gift to just be amidst everything around you.

kib
12-3-15, 6:16pm
I grew up in the Justin Case family. Nothing very dramatic ever happened, but just in case, just to be safe, just to be in God's good graces, there was always this undercurrent of fear - something Might happen, there was always something you could be worrying about if you were vigilant about it, so don't go "resting on your laurels" (i.e. relaxing in a way that is truly peaceful and anxiety free). This wasn't just subconsciously familiar, it was intentionally put out there as the wise and smart way to look at life.

So truly being at peace feels strange - and a bit uncomfortable. I'm being bad, because I don't want to venerate Justin Case. The fact that we have no anxiety is a reason to be anxious! >8)

rodeosweetheart
12-3-15, 6:28pm
Duh, Kib, I did not get it--I thought, Justin Case, was that one of those famous cults, like the Jonestown group or something.

D'oh.

iris lilies
12-3-15, 8:03pm
I think there's a drag king here named Justin Case.

SteveinMN
12-4-15, 12:40pm
I thought, Justin Case, was that one of those famous cults, like the Jonestown group or something.
If you think about the way "just in case" rules the thoughts of its followers, rodeo, you're not wrong!

rodeosweetheart
12-4-15, 12:46pm
If you think about the way "just in case" rules the thoughts of its followers, rodeo, you're not wrong!

Good point!

sylvia
12-4-15, 3:58pm
I think when things are quiet and good for a while I almost expect something bad to happen, but then it's like I dont deserve peace and quiet? Take it for what it is because tomorrow isnt guaranteed. I accept it when it comes without second thoughts, no just in case.OUr family was What if? What if this what if that. I went through enough on that with a special needs child, what if . Life is a big what if. It takes work to get to peace and quiet , darn it I'm gonna enjoy it .:cool:

awakenedsoul
12-4-15, 9:46pm
I think it's a discipline. I do yoga and meditation to maintain it. I avoid people who are antagonistic or bullies. I'm just not interested in that kind of company. I also practice gratitude as often as possible. I have hobbies that are relaxing: knitting, reading, gardening, etc. Going to the gym and staying fit helps me to discharge negative emotional energy. I also like the people there. We have positive interactions. I like their energy.

It's nice having a peaceful life. I think we create it. We can't control the family that we are born into, but as we get older, we have more choices.

pinkytoe
12-4-15, 10:10pm
I have to have periods of peace and quiet to even function. It comes to me naturally to seek a calm environment. I once had an evil step-mom who lived for drama. I can recall as a teen being backed into a corner more than once with her wide-eyed and screaming at me about some inane thing she had conjured up. Luckily, she is long gone but I have never forgotten how alarming it was to live under her chaotic rule. My only isssue with living a quiet life is that I sometimes have the sense of FOMO - fear of missing out. On what I don't know.

sylvia
12-11-15, 12:52pm
I think once you live in a peaceful home then you start taking it out of the home with you. Suddenly you can really pick out who carries that drama cloud of rain whenever they go. My DS has that phase now of " I got bad luck, everywhere I go". etc. Working on him with that glass half full/ Half empty.

Gardenarian
12-11-15, 4:24pm
When you grow up in a circus of anger and drama it sometimes feels like relationships, or even life, isn't quite real unless there's some friction going on somewhere.
When I was in my 20s/30s I used to create friction myself - I mean, if we're not screaming and yelling and carrying on, how do I know you care?

I've gotten over that, though I still have a hard time reeling in my temper at times.

Ultralight
12-11-15, 4:33pm
When you grow up in a circus of anger and drama it sometimes feels like relationships, or even life, isn't quite real unless there's some friction going on somewhere.

This right here is one heck of an insight.

sylvia
5-28-16, 9:00pm
Well its been a few months and been very busy with spring cleaning the home of 2 years of dust (pregnant last year didnt have any energy to clean), having family over inlaws and parents under same roof.Oh the drama the old fashioned "problems" plus too much alcohol, bingeing arguing etc. The Baby's baptism, high schoolers graduation , it felt equivalent to preparing for a big fat wedding.Baby is 10 months old. Thank God its over everyone went home in one piece. I learned to embrace the quiet moments, not freak out when things change around me. That is just taking me closer to my goal. I dont have to rave to get my way it will calmly happen. I am learning the biggest thing...... surrender. So opposite of chaos and drama. By surrendering , you are trusting the universe and the outcoming is peace. Now I can surrender to meditate and hopefully next is losing weight and addressing my high blood pressure not from stress but weight gain. It's ok to just be.

razz
5-28-16, 9:03pm
Understanding oneself and taking command even by choosing to surrender is all part of self-governance which we all need. Sounds as though you are finding a path that works for you. Well done!

Teacher Terry
5-29-16, 12:41pm
If your BP is too high you might want to take meds until you lose weight. I have seen people as young as 30 have strokes due to this. Also some people have it because of hereditary. I have known some thin and very fit people to get it. Glad you got your peace back.

SteveinMN
5-29-16, 2:03pm
It's one thing to have the tools you need and another to be able to use them successfully. It sounds like you had a bit of a trial by fire, Sylvia, and you came out on this end wiser and better off. Good for you! Keep up the progress!

sylvia
5-31-16, 9:00pm
Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement. I am on meds three of them to lower my bp which got worse after this baby. I hope to continue to simplify which means eliminate multitasking. So I will attempt to join a fitness club, I need to get out and join others who do the same.No combined walking with baby since weather here in midwest changes from the hour its usually too hot, too cold or raining. Additionally I wont buy an exercise machine to add to the clutter I have. So thats that. I wonder how will I find the energy after a whole day to go workout in the evening. I have yet to figure that out.

sylvia
6-7-16, 1:04pm
Minimalistic efficient simplicity!