The Consequences of being "the good child" to your parents

[sylvia]

Sorry for venting but it's come to that. Ive always been the good daughter( supportive, respectful and dependable) and now Im 40 and I have to say it hasnt always been worth it. The older my parents get the more selfish and egotistical they act. "We make the mess and you clean up so to speak." Im the only child and most stress is on me especially I live 5 states away I worry if they wont do something stupid like go into foreclosure because dad doesnt want to pay his second mortgage, or forgets to pay taxes for 7 years because he doesnt have time to file( which has happened recently).Recently Ive started to speak my mind which hasnt been too popular with them and Ive been called cranky and irrational. What's gotten into you? they ask. I'm just honest and conservative and suggest that they do a few things differently to spare me the problems of having to help them out. I feel unappreciated and not valued for the person and daughter I am. What gets me is the other bad children their friends have but yet the parents bend over backwards to get back into their adult kids good graces. The irony of life. I have good children and I tell them that all the time, I value them and the authentic personalities and values they have.I wish sometimes my parents would have the substance to see that. Currently I ve been just indifferent with my responses and giving them a cold shoulder since respect is a two way street.Oh well....thanks for reading.

[Tradd]

Have you ever considered letting them live with the consequences of their actions?

[ctg492]

The "Obligation Pit", it however can never be filled. I have been through the wringer with the obligation I put on myself for my Mom(my entire life!), then Mom passed and the weight became more then I could bare for my obligation I felt/feel for Dad. Long sos that everyone who does this to themselves knows very well. I asked myself one day Would Mom have wanted me to suffer and feel such obligation above all else? My answer was YES she would have. She had done that to me and it becomes the way life was.

I have a saying I use, The Bitsy Syndrome. Bitsy was a chihuahua I loved really loved, Bitsy got Dementia and the last two years were miserable for her and me. I began to hate this little most loved dog because of the obligation and how mean she became. When Bitsy was gone I realized the mistakes I had made and use that in life now. Never let something or someone I love become a Bitsy, change the situation before the end.

I feel for you and your Obligation you put on yourself.

I want to add, from my experience IT whatever you do will never be enough. Yet strangely IT will be too much. Does that make sense?

[Williamsmith]

The "Obligation Pit", it however can never be filled. I have been through the wringer with the obligation I put on myself for my Mom(my entire life!), then Mom passed and the weight became more then I could bare for my obligation I felt/feel for Dad. Long sos that everyone who does this to themselves knows very well. I asked myself one day Would Mom have wanted me to suffer and feel such obligation above all else? My answer was YES she would have. She had done that to me and it becomes the way life was.

I have a saying I use, The Bitsy Syndrome. Bitsy was a chihuahua I loved really loved, Bitsy got Dementia and the last two years were miserable for her and me. I began to hate this little most loved dog because of the obligation and how mean she became. When Bitsy was gone I realized the mistakes I had made and use that in life now. Never let something or someone I love become a Bitsy, change the situation before the end.

I feel for you and your Obligation you put on yourself.

I want to add, from my experience IT whatever you do will never be enough. Yet strangely IT will be too much. Does that make sense?

There is a lot of wisdom drawn from experience in this.

[TxZen]

I have a lot to say on this. I was and still am, always a good person. I grew up with guilt from my parents. If I got a 99 on a test, why didn't I get 100? If I lost 40lbs, well I could stand to lose 10 more, etc...always never good enough but I always was there for them..until a major turning point.

My whole life, they never showed up for what I would deem the important stuff...bootcamp graduation, deployment returns, having a baby, I was married by the JOP because my mom did not want to plan a wedding long distance and she called me stupid when I got pregnant...

After I had my son, they came out for the only time they would ever see him when he was 6 weeks old. They were more hell bent on getting a good vacation in than visiting their new grandson. Ok..whatever..year after year, we begged them to come visit. We moved every 16-18 months because of the military and it would have been nice to see them whenever. Always excuses--weather too cold, too much for the plane tickets, I don't like this, you have a dog. etc... I still called every week, sent pics, sent presents when we could afford it, etc.. and never once had my son received a birthday or Christmas acknowledgement but my threw my sister a 40th birthday party. Add in that my brother and sister live close to them and were always deemed the good ones, because they did for them. I couldn't win, so I gave up. Sister and brother were mooching BIG TIME as well...

The final straw was about 7 years ago. My parents agreed to come down for my son's first true Halloween. I bought the tickets, rented them a car, had it all set up. Buying tickets on credit that at a time I could not even afford diapers but ya know..whatever...so they call me a week before and tell me they just had to do their closing on their new townhouse ON THOSE DAYS and we not coming. After much debacle, I scrambled to redeem about 75% of my money back. They never gave me a cent or apologized. 3 weeks later, I get a Thanksgiving card from my Aunt, who included a pic of them and my parents..on a cruise..from around Halloween. I was nothing short of infuriated. I was done.

I just stopped asking and the sad part is, my mom died never seeing my son after that initial visit. He is almost 10 now. My dad saw him once more before his death. I am treated like sh** by my brother and sister..wait for it..for the way I acted...yep.my mother was famous for making up stories and lies and feeding them. My mother was extremely passive aggressive..she would say one thing to me..mostly mean and then say something else in public. When they both passed, I received not one note from anyone in my family because of all the lies she told and the stories were so interwoven, I could not fight them. But that is the choice they made and others have made. I refuse to fight them. When I went to New England last year, I was treated so badly, as in totally ignored, that I just took off with my hubby and son for the day and enjoyed the sights while they all sat and groveled. Their behavior was disgusting to me and I was not going to open that can of worms, though they were itching for a fight.

My point of all of this...I had to let it go because it was eating me alive. I am good person, I go WAYYYYY out of my way for people and it was killing me. I enjoyed my family and let them wallow in misery. It seems mean, but that was the only solution for me. It's my life and I choose to be happy.

[catherine]

Never let something or someone I love become a Bitsy, change the situation before the end.


Great words of wisdom!

Sylvia, based on this thread and the other one you started today on living a peaceful life but waiting for the other shoe to drop, I thought of a great article I just read in YES! Magazine, by Gabor Mate. It's about the body-mind connection and how it impacts the "good girl" and others who feel they are living under the weight of self-imposed responsibilities. The bottom line is, it can kill you, literally, to repress your own needs in the effort to be everything to everybody.

It starts out this way:


“I never get angry,” says a character in one of Woody Allen’s movies. “I grow a tumor instead.” Much more scientific truth is captured in that droll remark than many doctors would recognize. Mainstream medical practice largely ignores the role of emotions in the physiological functioning of the human organism. Yet the scientific evidence abundantly shows that people’s lifetime emotional experiences profoundly influence health and illness. And, since emotional patterns are a response to the psychological and social environment, disease in an individual always tells us about the multigenerational family of origin and the broader culture in which that person’s life unfolds.

I identify with what you have written, also having been raised in an alcoholic family, at least for 12 years of my life. I do have to guard against saying "yes" when I mean "no" and resenting it. This reminds me that if I do that too often, I can make myself sick.

http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/good-health/gabor-mate-how-to-build-a-culture-of-good-health-20151116

(BTW, this whole issue of YES! is about health, and it's really good.

[Ultralight]

I strongly support the idea of emotional divestment.

[catherine]

I strongly support the idea of emotional divestment.

What is emotional divestment? Is it the same as detachment?

[pinkytoe]

How does one change a situation so easily? DH has always been the good son indebted to his parents every wish. All his siblings moved away. Through the years, we have literally spent every holiday with them among other demands. All of this has bred quite a bit of resentment and is really the only sticky point in our own relationship. Now they are elderly and failing - refusing to move to assisted living. We are on the verge of retiring and want to move to another state but...at this point, all we can change is our attitutude about a situation that should have been dealt with much earlier.

[rodeosweetheart]

Thanks, Catherine, for the link to the article. I will read it with great interest.
On these issues, I try to keep in mind that my parents are doing the best they can, although it's often not good enough, at least in my judgment. Then, I remember times when my children have judged me to be not doing enough, in their judgment. I've forgiven myself as doing the best I can, so I extend that forgiveness to them, to all of us.

You really can't change how people behave, and you really can't make your parents into the nurturing people you wish you had had, and you can't be the perfect parent, either.

All you can do is the best you can.

[Ultralight]

What is emotional divestment? Is it the same as detachment?

For me, emotional divestment is the conscious practice of not caring about something. I use some mindfulness techniques to control my thoughts.

I'd say that it is akin to detachment.

But while a conscious effort it does become easier and "second nature" over time.


I use this with work, certain other obligations, and with my parents. It is not a perfect system but it sure beats being tangled up in a samsara of sorts.

[Ultralight]

How does one change a situation so easily? DH has always been the good son indebted to his parents every wish. All his siblings moved away. Through the years, we have literally spent every holiday with them among other demands. All of this has bred quite a bit of resentment and is really the only sticky point in our own relationship. Now they are elderly and failing - refusing to move to assisted living. We are on the verge of retiring and want to move to another state but...at this point, all we can change is our attitutude about a situation that should have been dealt with much earlier.

I think that being the good kid is a problem best solved early on -- like during childhood.

I was the bad kid, and I still am. It makes me happier than the alternative.

But I wonder if it is genetic.

[catherine]

For me, emotional divestment is the conscious practice of not caring about something. I use some mindfulness techniques to control my thoughts.

I'd say that it is akin to detachment.

But while a conscious effort it does become easier and "second nature" over time.


I use this with work, certain other obligations, and with my parents. It is not a perfect system but it sure beats being tangled up in a samsara of sorts.

Got it. To me it sounded like jettisoning your emotions without processing them, but if you're examining them and deciding to divest them through mindfulness, that's sounds great.

Reminds me of the Krishnamurti quote "This is my secret. I don't mind what happens."

[Ultralight]

Got it. To me it sounded like jettisoning your emotions without processing them, but if you're examining them and deciding to divest them through mindfulness, that's sounds great.

Reminds me of the Krishnamurti quote "This is my secret. I don't mind what happens."

I kind of "sit with" the emotions. I observe them and then let them pass like my mind is made of Teflon. haha

Now, it usually does not work perfectly, but again. It helps!

[sylvia]

Thank you all the the wonderful and honest responses. I can really relate to TxZen. Its true about the health issue, I now have essential high blood pressure and take 3 medications.Relatively stress free since changing my attitude and codependent no more. My baby boy is 4 months and grandpa still hasnt seen his grandson. Well his loss.They live in Florida and its always a problem to fly and visit.Too cold, too far etc.The final straw was our old delapidated family home in the old country where my grandparents lived and I asked my mom to sign over the upstairs so I can rehab it and use it. She said after I die you can have it all, but wait why are you asking are you waiting for me to die now? I was the good daughter that dropped everything so I could fly over and take care of my mother after her cancer surgery and recuperation now I am waiting for her to die so I can take her hoard and debt. really???? That was such a low blow .I agree with the obligation pit does it mean step on your adult child because they feel obligated? I told them that I dont want or need anything from them since they always think they have leverage. So the peace came finally when I let it all go, now I can start living my life , my way. Yes this is peace in emotional detachment. My dad is turning 70 in december and "too bad you cant come to the party because you had a baby. "Really? I wont be there not as a guest but servant, cook and cleaning lady.Im sending a nice card instead with birthday wishes from the baby.LOL!

[sylvia]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/723cbe5fe9d34ddbeec987e4799d90a1/tumblr_ne4cu1QTUF1r5wmgdo1_400.jpg

[sylvia]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/89/08/35/890835843970f499a4e117a0bc0f0aba.jpg

[bae]

I'm the good son. Never caused any trouble, did well in school, did well in work, devote my life to public service, raised a good kid of my own, provide a home and expenses for my mother to live. And so on. I'm chopped liver.

My sister, the one who has spent lots of time in prison, who has sold off three of her children to adoption agencies to cover her expenses when she was on the run from the law, who aborted half-a-dozen children when her arrests were inconveniently-timed with her child-selling business, who raised the two daughters she *didn't* sell very very poorly (they had to live with me for several years...), who robbed my parents' homes several times, etc. etc. etc. - she's the Golden Child.

And of course, it's all My Fault whenever anything unpleasant happens to anyone.

No good deed...

[miradoblackwarrior]

Hi, Sylvia--
I loved the affirmations you posted above. I had issues with an absent father who didn't think daughters deserved to be human, and a mother so narcissistic that she hogged every conversation, always had her hand out, and always gave me a blank look when I had to say no to her. I was the middle child between a golden-boy brother, and a gay brother. Each of them had their own relationships with my parents (homophobic, for the most part). When my father died, I rejoiced (finally I was human!). When my mother grew senile, I was expected to give up my life and my career and move back home to care for her. I didn't, and I am glad I put some space between us. I was 4 hours away from her, and I had to struggled daily to find ways to care for her. I did it alone, with not a whisper of help from either brother until she was finally so far gone we had to put her into a home.

I write of all of this, because I want to tell you what happens when you get on the other side. After my mother died, it took me a couple of years to get over the nightmares, the fear the telephone would ring, the care for money and time. I realized I had given so much of myself--vacation time, money, paid bills, bought tickets to events (which she bailed on) to entertain her--so much, that I had neglected my own needs. Last year, two years after her death, it occurred to me that the phone no longer rang, that there was money in my pocket, and I could finally be rid of the car and find the lifestyle genuine to me. HELLO! I'm here! It was enlightening and restful and full of delight. It was also scary and surprising, and empowering, and still more scary. I was not used to taking care of myself, of living my own life. I had absolutely no idea how to do it, or where to start.

But the euphoria was terrific! I gradually got it all together, and I am gradually building plans. I forgave my brothers, because I could, because I felt I had to. I have some distance between my brothers, but, as other people have stated above, they are adults--let them live their own lives.

I have never forgiven my parents, because I choose not to--at least in this time of my life. I feel I am truly better than them, because I could care for them despite their harsh treatment of me. Maybe I have a place to go to, one day, in my own soul's education, but I am not here yet, and I am not looking for it.

I understand you have a house in your family. Let it go! Find your own world, and hang

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'm the responsible one, the eldest, come heck or high water. What about all the money that gets spent on the irresponsible child? I will never see it. Would I like that money? I can't lie, at times it's like a kick in the gut, beyond what I can forgive. For selfish reasons of course!!! But also for non-selfish ones as well, as mom sacrifices her own welfare for it, and I won't be able to bail out financially either, I'm not that financially successful (with little help from anybody of course - F all they ever did to help me - ok they DID do a little bit, some education expenses and stuff it's true and I am glad, just not much help with life in general in that alienating house is all). I can't imagine anyone being able to afford assisted living! So I don't forgive, I just detach. Assisted living etc. is *someday* maybe and nothing I can do about it. It's a curse, people who don't even care enough about you to even protect their own well being. Well honestly I never had parents who met my needs as parents, so same as it ever was. Process emotions with detachment, honestly I'm not that emotional a person and I'm not sure I could be even if I wanted to. So after the initial shock and rage, what else is there, stoicism, it is what it is, it is what it is ....

I don't think being a good kid as a kid is much of a choice, some of us just need that parental approval too much, and of course get precious little, often shamed, at best often tolerated, never praised etc.. So yea you want to stay on their good side. And we don't necessarily even get peer approval for being "bad kids", it's different if you do I guess.

[Teacher Terry]

This thread makes me very sad. It is similar to what happened between my Dad & his parents. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents so when they needed help I was happy to do so.

[JaneV2.0]

I think parents often feel more enmeshed with the "bird with a broken wing" child.
As an adult, if you're the responsible type, you take responsibility. As in the Geico ad, "it's what you do."

[ApatheticNoMore]

Man that Gabor Mate article is depressing:


The new science of epigenetics is identifying the mechanisms that even affect gene functioning. The children of Holocaust survivors, for example, have altered genetic mechanisms leading to abnormal stress hormone levels. Animal studies are showing that the physiological effects of trauma can be passed on even to the third generation.

I read stuff like that as people who had unhappy childhoods should not reproduce. Well I guess it does justify my choices there.

[catherine]

Man that Gabor Mate article is depressing:



I read stuff like that as people who had unhappy childhoods should not reproduce. Well I guess it does justify my choices there.

I would hate to jump to that conclusion…I think there are tons of people who had unhappy, or even traumatic, childhoods who successfully had and raised well-adjusted kids. While Mate's thoughts on this are provocative, I don't know how far you want to go with it. Much more needs to be examined, but I do think there is a lot to the body-mind connection.

[Ultralight]

My sister, the one who has spent lots of time in prison, who has sold off three of her children to adoption agencies to cover her expenses when she was on the run from the law, who aborted half-a-dozen children when her arrests were inconveniently-timed with her child-selling business, who raised the two daughters she *didn't* sell very very poorly (they had to live with me for several years...), who robbed my parents' homes several times, etc. etc. etc. - she's the Golden Child. No good deed...

Whoa! Just... whoa.

[Ultralight]

I sincerely mean this. My heart goes out to you all.

My sis and I are both pretty responsible so far. Sure, we both made a few flubs. My sis had problems with college with she first started. She went through heavy drinking phase.

I stubbornly refused to do things that did not make sense to me growing up. I had some minor run-ins with the law -- delinquency, disorderly, and such.

But now I am employed, have health insurance, and an emergency fund in my savings account.

haha

While my parents do take more pride in my sister I think it is simply because she lives in a normative way that they understand. I think it is less about animosity or playing-favorites or malice. I don't think it is malice.

But rather, it is just that my sister makes sense to my parents. She got through school, works in the medical field, bought a house in the 'burbs, and plans to start a fam with my BIL -- a steady guy who works hard at his job and/or school.


I will say this though, I think my mom might have some narcissistic tendencies. I see it especially in her hoarding.

[sylvia]

Wow thank you so much for your honestly I didnt want to hit a nerve here but its seems that we the good kids share so much in common . I have a good son and granted I was really firm and demanding with him, he has adhd and was very difficult in controlling basic urges as a kid, school was a nightmare. I yelled and complained about him.So I enjoy being able to talk and negotiate with him so to speak now that he is a 17 year old he's grown out of most of his compulsions. He knows he s a good son and I appreciate him however I do tend to mimic my mom in things and I have to start a total different approach, like a human approach not a domeering one. Now that he's almost an adult the dynamic is a bit different.

[TxZen]

I sincerely mean this. My heart goes out to you all.

My sis and I are both pretty responsible so far. Sure, we both made a few flubs. My sis had problems with college with she first started. She went through heavy drinking phase.

I stubbornly refused to do things that did not make sense to me growing up. I had some minor run-ins with the law -- delinquency, disorderly, and such.

But now I am employed, have health insurance, and an emergency fund in my savings account.

haha

While my parents do take more pride in my sister I think it is simply because she lives in a normative way that they understand. I think it is less about animosity or playing-favorites or malice. I don't think it is malice.

But rather, it is just that my sister makes sense to my parents. She got through school, works in the medical field, bought a house in the 'burbs, and plans to start a fam with my BIL -- a steady guy who works hard at his job and/or school.


I will say this though, I think my mom might have some narcissistic tendencies. I see it especially in her hoarding.

I am learning the difference, at least with myself and my own child, between what do I really need to put my foot down about and what needs talking about and encouragement or a word of wisdom.

I, like you, was the rebel, but a good rebel. LOL I just was into simple, minimal living really young. I didn't care about stuff. I didn't mind going to the thrift stores or yard sales, I simply didn't buy a lot, if anything. My mother and sister thought there was something wrong with me and chided me all the time. This would be a moment of let people be who they are. I can take a joke here and there, but day in and out is mind-numbingly annoying. It's like I knew they were going to start as soon as I walked in the door. Honestly, I can say this without being arrogant, I think it came down to jealousy. I spent my money doing the things I wanted to do. I remember I wanted to go to the New England coast and stay at this awesome B and B. I worked hard, saved and at 20, had the money to travel. I enjoyed that little trip, they sat home ticked off. :) The idea of working normal hours and still being able to do what I wanted confused and frustrated them to no end. And because I didn't have "stuff" there must be something wrong with me.

[ctg492]

Pinktoe,
How does one change? I don't know if it is truly possible. I am not totally there yet. I just broke emotionally one day last spring, I could not continue, I was loosing what was left of my world. I know exactly how you Husband feels.

I did not go to the other side of the state for thanksgiving this past week to see dad, six hours in the car I could not do again. Was he home alone, Yes. Meals on Wheels brought the dinner which he raved about. I had been there a few days earlier. I actually thought How Sad that all those holidays I drove with my kids and never missed, when this one seemed more important and I could not do it. But he survived and so did I. I do the bills now via the net and he has a visiting aid that takes him out and shopping 3 days a week. I realized I could not do it all.

[miradoblackwarrior]

Why, ctg, you just hit the nail on the head! You set limits, decide what you can reasonably do, and move forward. Yes, sometimes it feels really, really hard. But, you said it yourself, your dad was fine, and you didn't have to make that drive. Next year (if the circumstances are the same), you set the rule, made the precedent, set your limit. I know you have tge guilts, but it worked out. You are now officially off the hook, and can think about how you would choose to make the holidays!
Susan

[freshstart]

It's to be noted how many people on here are/were the good kids.

I was raised by two people who meant well but had trouble with the execution of their parenting beliefs. My dad was a hard working, "good" man who dragged us out of poverty but he also beat the shit out of us, usually for something stupid like someone moved his TV guide. My mother was the martyr, she wringed her hands, cried and ultimately pretty much left us to our fate. I was the good kid and my brother the bad.

Then it flopped totally around, my dad got put on an antidepressant for pain and on this med, the depths of his anger were almost wiped away. I came home from college one summer and it really was like, "who the hell is this guy?", I was really suspicious when he was pleasant, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn't or it only did once in a very rare while. When he randomly decides to stop the antidepressant, the old him comes roaring back but he can't see it. So we make sure he is always on it.

So having experienced depression later, I forgave my dad, I didn't forget, but I forgave him and have chosen to believe he was doing the best he could under very stressful financial conditions, undiagnosed depression, other stressors and how he himself was raised. It was almost harder to forgive my mom for doing nothing. But for my own well-being, I did. I ended up marrying young, having children young and then the default result became that I stayed.

These two, who had made childhood pretty shitty, helped me leave a very bad marriage, helped me raise my kids as a single mom. And then my mom became ill with a terminal illness, I was a hospice nurse and truly desired to be her caretaker. My house was too big with the kids nearly launched, their's was not handicapped friendly. Without putting much thought into it, my dad and I happened to have a discussion that I wanted to live smaller, they needed a more handicapped dwelling, I wanted to live closer or caregiving would be very time consuming driving back and forth. We threw out there why not buy a house together with rooms at opposite ends and shared middle space? We ended up looking at houses the next day and before I knew it, it was done. The first year went well. Then people started mentioning that I repeat myself, that I was completely forgetting things, and then I got pretty sick kinda fast. And I ended up needing help. How can I ever hate my dad, when he selflessly adapted to a new really shitty reality and picked me up off the floor every time I fell? How can I hate my mom when she's never gotten help but she never intended to not help her kids, she was probably as scared as we were?

ugh, I'm done, there is such a ****ed up dynamic between my mother and I and I hate it. I can't explain it but I love her and am well-aware this is likely to only get harder as she gets sicker, I'm her whipping post for all that goes wrong. Yet my brother, who bailed when he was in high school and has lived 4 hrs away for 20-some years, is her Golden Child. Anyway, that's enough, I can't even talk about him and how bad the dynamics are for me when he graces us with his presence. He's a total dick for a brother, but he's my only brother. It's just very ironic that the best familial relationship I have by far is with my Dad.

I don't have the choice to bail, I decided I would care for her and changed a lot about my own life to make that happen. And I freely did that, there was no pressure and amazingly no feeling of being guilted into it by her. And after all the care given to me this past year, I would be a monster to walk out on them pretty much ever. I have a huge debt to repay my father. I just wish some dynamics would change. I wish my mom could pop a pill and have a magical transformation, despite knowing full well this is not going to ever happen and as she is in more and more pain, I should be anticipating the dynamic only getting harder.

But just once, I'd like to be the bad kid for a year, who never calls, who "borrows" thousands and thousands of dollars from two old people who do not really have it to give when he makes way over 6 figures. I'd like to just swoop into town, make my mother deliriously happy with any scrap of attention I throw her way but do nothing to help, treat everybody else like shit and swoop on outta town.

[Williamsmith]

Whatever you want to call it, I believe that the thoughts and actions you have and do in your life and the way you treat your friends and family and strangers all is recorded and all effects the way in which things are applied to you in the future. What goes around does come around but our limited perspective does not allow us to see past the horizon. That is why ai believe in hope and that is why freshstart........I believe you should have great hope for tomorrow and your future. I could not speak about my life so explicitly the way you have. I wish you the best.

[freshstart]

thank you, William. I overshared, sorry, it was supposed to end with "ugh, I'm done" but it kept on coming.

[razz]

As i have followed this thread and seen some of my life expressed, may I offer one huge online hug? Life hurts. I am truly sorry that you are being hurt.

[catherine]

As i have followed this thread and seen some of my life expressed, may I offer one huge online hug? Life hurts. I am truly sorry that you are being hurt.


((((((hugs))))))) back

[SteveinMN]

Just for the sake of the total count, I am the "good kid". My sister fills the role of "bad kid" though the damage she causes is more emotional than financial. My brother doesn't really fill either role.

My dad passed 20 years ago; my mom has her faults (don't we all) but I was never treated as shabbily as some of you have. I admire that so many of you (all of you, really) chose to surpass those obstacles to become the people you are now.

[Ultralight]

I admire that so many of you (all of you, really) chose to surpass those obstacles to become the people you are now.

Well said!

[ctg492]

Going forward I think the best most of us can do is not pass this on to our children. I have explained the obligation pit to both my sons.

[LDAHL]

This thread makes me very sad. It is similar to what happened between my Dad & his parents. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents so when they needed help I was happy to do so.

I'm with you. Reading this thread makes me want to congratulate myself on my wise choice of parents.

[iris lilies]

I'm with you. Reading this thread makes me want to congratulate myself on my wise choice of parents.

Oh agreed, although in my relatively calm world of sibling relationships and normal non-addicted parents, I may be the bad sib and he's the good sib as described in this thread, ya know? But as I told him several times when dealing with our mother, ya don't have to do that stuff, buddy.

I remember one time when my addled brained mother bought an expensive Kirby vacuum (those here have heard this story many times) and my brother was horrified that she spent that much money, and he argued with her and even tried to wrestle it out of her hands. That seems like a whole lotta drama to me. She could afford an entirely stupid purchase of $2,000. I remember when he called me a day or so afterwards, dejected, and asked me if I thought it was ok that he just let this battle go. I assured him it was fine, just let her have the damned vacuum cleaner.

A couple of years later, when she went into a nursing home that he and his wife found, I was effusive in my thanks for their work and they did check up on her regularly, which is important in those situations.

[freshstart]

Going forward I think the best most of us can do is not pass this on to our children. I have explained the obligation pit to both my sons.

hit the nail on the head

[kib]

Blame. I've been thinking lately that being made to feel at fault for everything someone else didn't like about their life, for having a combination of pity and shame as my base, has been the root of nearly every foolish choice I've ever made. I own the choices, but I also know a little girl who couldn't bear any more blame was making them. Maybe somehow that plague circle could be erased with the right self-effacing choice. Or not.

I chose not to have children in large part because I refused to pass this along to anyone else, and I still haven't really dug out from under it, I've just decided to live as far away from the (still) relentless blame and public assignment of that blame as I can. The older my mother gets, the less rational the finger pointing becomes, and yet I Still can't shut it out; I also find this ironically creeps into my own M.O. in a way I absolutely hate. My empathy to everyone here still struggling, whether you took the route of the golden child or the black sheep.

[sylvia]

Looking at my childhood I strangely believe that we can sometimes turn into our parents and I have teen aged sons almost ready to leave the nest but strangely I am not kicking them out like I first wanted. My oldest is 17 and I am letting the leash go since we held him close and tight he is a good kid by nature. Sometime I talk about hoping they wont move "too far way" or Ill miss them and hopefully they would "like to take me to the doctor" when Im old.Someone mentioned earlier that once we get there to the age of our parents we will understand and I think that is true, hitting 40 and feeling like 60 ( no offense to those who are 60 and feel like 20!)I can see some of my parents reasoning. I guess I ma guilty of managing and again they need to deal with their own consequences.

[Ultralight]

Looking at my childhood I strangely believe that we can sometimes turn into our parents...

I think that one is more likely to become their parents if they are parents.


Diligently I work at not becoming my parents. Like every day I think about my actions and my words so I can avoid this common fate of so, so many people. haha

[awakenedsoul]

This is a very interesting thread. I have three brothers, and I would say that my two younger brothers and I were "good children," and my older brother went the opposite way. He died young, at 49.

One thing I believe is that the truth heals. I have told the people in my family how I feel, and as we've all gotten older, they have made some big changes. Sometimes people just aren't aware of their patterns. Through Al Anon and Kundalini Yoga I've been able to set boundaries and confront some behavior. I stopped enabling, and pursued my goals and dreams. I made that my first priority. Family was not a strong area in my life, so I replaced it with things that were. (friends, dogs, nature, dance, singing, writing, etc...)

I'm fortunate in that I was able to forgive my mom and get along with her before she died. She was extremely abusive, but underneath that she was very talented, sensitive, and aware. My dad and I get along well, and he even asks me for advice now. The dynamics have changed. Both of the alcoholics our family, (my mom and my brother,) have died. There's a lot less drama.

As I've gotten older I see that I have many of the same tendencies as my parents. The same weaknesses and flaws. I also admire qualities they have (or had,) that I don't have. I work at developing those. Being in the arts has really helped me, and having such incredible teachers and mentors really saved me from repeating the patterns of abuse. I made a conscious choice very young not to have children, for that reason. It all worked out.

[freshstart]

As I've gotten older I see that I have many of the same tendencies as my parents. The same weaknesses and flaws. I also admire qualities they have (or had,) that I don't have. I work at developing those. Being in the arts has really helped me, and having such incredible teachers and mentors really saved me from repeating the patterns of abuse. I made a conscious choice very young not to have children, for that reason. It all worked out.

you're self-actualized, a hard place to reach

[flowerseverywhere]

So interesting. Since we ended up in foster care, separated into three homes my sibs and I had all kinds of circumstances. We kept in touch and as adults, despite our start, all have managed to be in long term, non abusive relationships, all got at least a bachelors degree. But we all got help and as we got older became closer than most siblings. We overcame a lot and had lots of bumps, but got through it.

But it your stories are like DH and his sis. She always has "problems", never has money, her kids always need bailing out for stupid things like speeding tickets, overdue electric bills etc. sometimes I think how she treats her mom is almost psychologically abusive, trying to manipulate money out of her and she is not wealthy. Like saying "I really need to get my oil changed but I don't have the money. I guess I'll just have to hope my car doesn't malfunction." And on cue Mom offers to pay. And she takes it, despite eating out, going to bars etc.

DH is independent and successful, long term marriage, two independent and successful kids. The crazy thing is his mom seems to resent his independence. I would think she would be proud of how he has led his life, treated me, had a successful career and raised his kids. And never asked for money. But he does not meet her dependency needs I guess.

Nutty family dynamics.

[awakenedsoul]

you're self-actualized, a hard place to reach

Oh no, I don't consider myself self-actualized. I think I just realized as I got older that parents have just as many flaws as the rest of us. I started to understand why, and I did a lot of work on my own problems.

Also, when I had to have my hips replaced, my dad really came through for me. If he hadn't, I would have had to stay in rehab in a nursing home. He's very generous and was always a caretaker with my mom. I can see now how hard it must have been for him, being married to her. My mom made a huge effort as she got older to change, and I realized it was much healthier for me to forgive her than to stay angry. She was much happier and more relaxed without four children at home.

I've seen as a yoga teacher how negative emotions can cause illness and pain. It was important to me to drop as much of it as I could. It can eat you up inside.

[sylvia]

I totally agree on emotions playing a part on health. I have HBP and emotions can affect that, accidents can happen when you are upset. When I was younger I thought being reactionary was the right response to have but caused me more bad Karma. Now I am more centered yea I get angry but I understand more now and have more confidence when to complain or do something about it. The rest I just dont sweat the small stuff. It's hard to do if you are very ill, you cant always get away from your physical burdens. I am hearing impaired and not working right now so my stress level is low since I dont have to struggle to hear all the time in the workforce. Im again a SAHM with a new but loud baby -but in a few months I will be out there again working and I'm sure Ill have stress again.

[Gardenarian]

All of my family relationships are crazy and enmeshed. I haven't divorced myself from my four siblings, but I have moved as far away as this continent allows. (I am on good terms with one sister, who is a responsible and kind person.)
My relationship with my parents only improved after they died. My mother tried to keep the crazy going after her death by leaving a ridiculous will, but her estate is almost cleared up (5 years on.)
At any rate, I let go of that psychodrama a long time ago.

I will do everything in my power to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with my own dd. Come what may.

I'm staggered by the amount of suffering here, and my heart goes out to everyone.

[rodeosweetheart]

I think as Gardenarian and Awakened say here, that if we can let go of the anger and hurt, reasonable as it may be, that we will be healthier and happier. It is certainly good to process it, but in the end, we can choose to let go and move beyond it and live our own lives.

[sylvia]

I wanted to add that sometimes deciding on what to do with our feelings gives us closure. It's the worst when you are confused about loving and hating your parents. I pretty much have just let them be and let myself just grow without fear of their judgements I missed my dad's 70th birthday in Florida and didnt really outdo Christmas gifts just something modest and practical. Keeping it cool and it has really just made the difference. No more blame circling in my head what they could've should've. Sometimes when we over accmodate the situation we are enabling their hurtful behavior. When we stop some things like I did with certain things, it was fear like buying their attention or affection. I still got put downs and now I set things straight. It's given me much empowerment.

[Tenngal]

we have a mother who told us at least once a day how she never wanted children and how much of a burden we were. She and my dad divorced when we were teens and she spent the next 25 years chasing after mostly married men in our small town. If you have never living in a small town you cannot understand how much embarrassment this caused. When we started having children she never much wanted anything to do with them because she did not want to be tied down.
Now that she is 80, and finally too old to get out and run after men, she wants us to come around more. Since these visits always result in her insults, most of us only go a few times a year. I guess we should all have cut ties long ago.

[ctg492]

Tenngal I am sorry, I read your post.