Phobias and kids

[kib]

Today my MIL told me that my 12-year old nephew would never stay in the guest bedroom if he came here again. ? Because I have put some rasp files that have been turned into snakes as art on the walls, and he's afraid of snakes.

... she said this almost with pride. And it made me wonder; at what point does a phobia become a badge of identity, something that gets protected and nurtured, even exaggerated for effect, rather than overcome? Is it harsh of me to say expanding phobia and coddling can go hand in hand?

[ToomuchStuff]

Not sure. I think some phobia's, MAY have a genetic link, but I have no evidence to back that up. Similar in ways to how I have heard it described as man hears rustling and the ones that thought it was wind, survived when it was, but also mated with those that ran, and survived when it was either wind or beast.
Not all would be genetic, some have a reason. Figuring out the reason, while it won't always get you completely over them, can help you reduce and understand them. I have the fear of snakes as well and can trace it to my abduction (around age 5), a lawnmower incident (two halves of a snake were flung back at me, and I didn't know it was severed/dead), and a dead one falling out of a tree on me. (tree trimmers cut off its head and left it there)
At this point, he is still a kid, and has the imagination of one. I say the trade off of having the imagination of a child, is worth a phobia, which he may yet grow out of (kids shouldn't have to grow up faster then they do, IMHO).

[CathyA]

I suppose it's all relative. If you feel that the mom coddles the child constantly.....then you might view this as just another thing to coddle about.
But like TMS said........kids can have these problems, that they eventually get over. My son was afraid of lots of things.......but he's not now.
As far as snakes...........I think there's something genetic with that. I've met people who aren't in any way "scaredy-cats"..........but they go absolutely crazy with snakes.
I'm wondering if you have some issues with your MIL, more than the child? Does the child stay at your place often?
Knowing when and when not to "coddle" is a fine line...........It's not always easy to know......

[catherine]

... she said this almost with pride. And it made me wonder; at what point does a phobia become a badge of identity, something that gets protected and nurtured, even exaggerated for effect, rather than overcome? Is it harsh of me to say expanding phobia and coddling can go hand in hand?

IDK.. maybe what sounded like pride was her thinking the snake phobia is "cute." In fact, when I read that, I immediately recalled that on Thanksgiving, I brought up my 37 year old son's sticky-phobia--if he gets honey or jam on his hand, he runs to the sink to wash his hands. I wasn't "proud" of it, but I don't think I coddled him by allowing him his phobia as he was growing up.

OTOH, in my mind, it might have been a little rude for her to maybe subtly belittle your hospitality with that comment. She didn't have to mention it until you invited him over the next time, and at that point some neutral statement could have made.

[rodeosweetheart]

What is a rasp file? I am imagining phone cords but that doesn't have anything to do with files?

I think phobias may well be genetic. For some reason, my oldest son had a gorilla phobia. When he was 2, we took him to the circus, and the guy dressed in a gorilla suit came in , and he started shaking, literally. And crying. And then, when we went to Chuckie Cheese, gorilla guy appears--he starts shaking and crying. Then, at someone's house, they have a record player, and they play the Chuckie Cheese song, and he starts shaking. From the song.

I thought this might indeed be one of those Jungian memories, to be afraid of larger primates.

He then had night terrors, and was a terrible sleepwalker.

He is 33 and has absolutely no phobias now.

He wasn't coddled, and the phobia came out of nowhere, and then disappeared.

Hard to say what your MIL meant, but I'd just let it go and chalk it up to the one-fewer-houseguest list. One less egg to fry, and all that.

[kib]

I think it was just an observation, he has only been here once and stayed in that room, I've decorated since then. Of course everything seems to be just the slightest bit tinged with ego here, but whatever, I'm smiling and nodding, it's only a week.

I just feel like I'm seeing this spiral of terror that is somehow being fueled by how much attention it garners. I don't think he's faking, but I think he's working himself into a frenzy over My Fear Of Snakes, in part because there's positive reinforcement of it. I don't have a snake in the room, not even a picture of a snake, I have an iron rasp file. If we extend this far enough, the kid will be avoiding bananas and cucumbers, on principle.

[bae]

Because I have put some rasp files that have been turned into snakes as art on the walls,

A slight bunny trail, but I'd love to see a picture of the art! I have several large boxes full of used/dead files that I use to reforge into other things, and I'm always looking for cool ideas.

[kib]

I don't know how to make this work, I have a couple of pictures but the program keeps saying they're too large even when I save them as GIFs.

A file probably 1.5 inches wide and maybe 18" long. Not a rat tail but that would work well. Rasps smoothed a bit so there is the appearance of shiny scales - dremel maybe? File then folded in half lengthwise, rasps out. Somehow smithed into serpentine curves. Head is smoothed down and has been filed/ground a into blunt nosed snake shape. Flat head screw inserted - slit vertical - as an eye. I like it. :)

I don't know how the shaping was done without wrecking the scale effect, maybe it was smoothed after it was shaped.

[CathyA]

Rodeosweetheart said "I thought this might indeed be one of those Jungian memories, to be afraid of larger primates."............I think you're on to something. We still have primitive minds/bodies/wiring, and I think it's almost impossible to explain some things in this modern time.

But kib.........if I can get a little too analytical...........I think it's more than this appears for you. Someone's pissing you off or you had fears you weren't allowed to express when you were younger.
Okay......that will be $150.00 for that session........ :~)

[JaneV2.0]

Google has a few: http://www.theblacksmith.ca/images/photo3.jpg

[kib]

:~)

Maybe so. I'm not saying that his fear is a result of being coddled. I know many people are afraid of snakes - and spiders - this seems to be some sort of instinctual aversion. Someone suggested putting a rubber snake into his Christmas gift and I thought that was cruel because he would think it was real for a minute, and he would be terrified. But when you start getting to a point where other people are expected to hide their wall art because of your terror ... I've always been a bit queasy about worms, but I don't recall that's ever made me concerned over a plate of spaghetti.

maybe I am just projecting. it is true that fear was treated as personal misbehavior in my family. in fact any sort of disagreement or personal authority over a sense of self was treated as misbehavior. So I'm really not sure if this is something buried, or if my nephew is actually turning himself into a basket case because it gets him sympathy and attention. Really, the general consensus of the family seems to be, "oh my gosh, that's so amazing, that you are that afraid of snakes! (do it some more!)"

[kib]

thanks Jane, that's very similar. I googled and came up blank.

[JaneV2.0]

Since you don't know the cause of his phobia, why not err on the side of kindness and tolerance? We all have our weaknesses.

[kib]

I think it might be a kindness Not to make a big deal of it, is what I'm saying. I'm not going to get on his case one way or the other, but I'm also not going to tell him Auntie Karen thinks it's amazing and ask for more stories. It may well disappear in time, but there's no one reinforcing the idea that this would make his life better, the poor kid's fear is making him a celebrity.

[rodeosweetheart]

That thing really looks like a snake! Hard to believe it was every anything else.

We once bought some jointed wooden snakes to put on the hearth, as they are supposed to scare away the mice. One of the kids moved one and I did not expect it and it startled me and I screamed. I'm not phobic-- well, I kind of am with mice, I guess. And dead birds. Moving to a country farmhouse helped me to get over it, but I still scream at mice.

My granddad was a hunter and mining engineer in Burma, and he had skulls in the hallway of his house--one was a tiger. I remember being really frightened of walking by it on my way to the bathroom.

Kids have big imaginations, and 12 is not very old.

[CathyA]

Hey Kib...........just curious.....what kind of personality does this boy have?

[bae]

Google has a few: http://www.theblacksmith.ca/images/photo3.jpg

That is pretty darned nifty looking!

[iris lilies]

Today my MIL told me that my 12-year old nephew would never stay in the guest bedroom if he came here again. ? Because I have put some rasp files that have been turned into snakes as art on the walls, and he's afraid of snakes.

... she said this almost with pride. And it made me wonder; at what point does a phobia become a badge of identity, something that gets protected and nurtured, even exaggerated for effect, rather than overcome? Is it harsh of me to say expanding phobia and coddling can go hand in hand?


Have you seen the YouTube videos that show cats who are afraid of cucumbers? I theorize that way back in their tiny little cat brains lies a deep fear of snakes.

but to your point, it is wise for adults to talk to children about their fears--why are you afraid of snakes? When do you see them, and what will they do to you? And then leave the kid alone. Maybe he will never get over his fear of snakes, irrational or not.

My friend, a grown man, is deathly afraid of snakes. He lived in my neighborhood where, across the street, was a reptile store.

imagine the most horrific thing that could happen in his mind and IT HAPPENED. The snakes escaped,and the Biggest baddest African snake in the city went slithering across the street toward his house. He calmly called the police, and didn't freak out. But he was scared.

[ApatheticNoMore]

So I'm really not sure if this is something buried, or if my nephew is actually turning himself into a basket case because it gets him sympathy and attention.

entirely possible. or I believe so. not that good parenting could necessarily make the fear go away, but attention could reinforce it.


Really, the general consensus of the family seems to be, "oh my gosh, that's so amazing, that you are that afraid of snakes! (do it some more!)

wonder what would happen if they told him the truth: some level of aversion to snakes etc. is probably genetic, in everyone because of human evolution, though stronger in some than others, help him see that artistic representation of snakes are not a threat, support him in overcoming his fears of artistic representation of snakes, reinforce that instead, maybe even teach about which snakes are poisonous and not etc.. (if there even are any real snakes around to be afraid of).

[Gardenarian]

I think kids that age exaggerate things in an attempt to establish their identity or get attention.

I remember my dd felt odd because she has no allergies and all her friends were allergic to at least something, and made a big deal about it.

I think a tendency toward anxiety and phobias can be inherited.

It's not always a bad thing to coddle a child. Kids need to know you are on their side, unconditionally. Having someone looking out for you that way when you're young can make you feel more stable and grounded later.

It may well be that he'll let go of the snake phobia in a year or two.

[JaneV2.0]

A lot of kids are prone to drama--over everything and anything. Most of us outgrow it.