Family Gift Name Drawing

[Gregg]

In years past my side of the family drew names and each adult got something for whoever they drew. Not big, $20 or so. In recent years DW and I have downsized, Dad passed away and Mom is getting rid of stuff at a good pace preparing to move to a low maintenance situation, one brother and his partner have moved to a new city and are in an apartment, another brother has also downsized (not exactly by choice). The last brother suggests, every year, that we go back to drawing names. This would involve shopping AND shipping since we won't all be together. He is also the one with five bedrooms and a house stuffed with sh__. Since I'm the oldest he calls me trying to revive the tradition, but there is a consensus among all the rest that the tradition should expire. I tell him every year that we are out and that no one else wants to do it. No mas. This year my SIL started calling me pleading for a name draw. Not happening, even though she's called 5 or 6 times to try and change my mind. This would be annoying in most circumstances, but there is one fact that makes me laugh every time. She is Jewish. Merry Christmas all.

[LessStuff]

Stay strong! We ended adult gift exchange (between families) some time ago. We only give gifts to the kids (though our kids also make us home-made gifts, which mean more to me than anything that could ever be bought in a store). I'm glad we don't have to stress trying to think of what some other adult might want. Kids are pretty easy to buy for, but not adults. Christmas should be about appreciating the season, the meaning of the holiday, and family and friends. Not about being gilted into buying stuff for other adults. If absolutely forced, I would give homemade cookies, or if I didn't really care for the person, I might give them lutefisk. That should discourage the gift exchange the following year.
Or another way to go would be to pull a George Costanza. I was watching Crackle this weekend and saw an old espisode of Seinfeld where George gets a Christmas gift that is a donation given to a charity in his name (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a0EjS6PCtU). He (like me) doesn't like it, but he then gets the "genius" idea to invent his own charity, the Human Fund, and hands out cards saying he made a donation to the Human Fund in the person's name (instead of giving them a gift). So that's another idea, give the gift of a donation (but make is to a real charity)!
Or yet another idea if forced to exchange gifts with other adults would be to give the gift of savings (I'm a bit serious on this). Its in line with the idea of simple living. One of the tenants of simple living is to save and/or spend less so you don't have to work so hard and you have more time to enjoy life. One place many people overspend, for example, is on their cell phone service (we did for years) because they don't know they have more options now. So give the gift of recommending a lower price smartphone service provider. If you want to give more than just a recommendation, you can see if you can find any working redemption codes (http://www.cranialborborygmus.com/my-republic-wireless-review.htm) (i.e. save $20 or free shipping) and print the redemption code out on a card and give the code as the gift. This gift doesn't cost you anything, but it could save them a lot. And you can remind them to remember, it's the thought that counts!

In any event, Christmas is much more enjoyable without the forced adult gift exchanges.

[kib]

Envious! DH is already upset because friends of ours have unequivocally stated No Gifts. No Gifts, Yeah, Doing Cartwheels!!! His whole family is a $50+ per person x 12+ people affair ... that's typically $1000 gone, and a bunch of clutter I didn't want and won't use gained, every year, and I've finally figured out, this is vicarious retail therapy for all of them, even asking for specific things never works, they just want to shop. What I wouldn't give for a secret santa plan!

[freshstart]

5 or 6 times? I would have that conversation twice and then start ignoring her calls. I would not do an adult name-draw thing if it meant no one sees each other and it's just done by mail.

we do exchange amongst my Dbro and fiancee, my folks, me and my two kids. it's supposed to be like $25 and be something thoughtful, like you saw something and it reminded you of them. The kids get more. I thought I wanted to suggest the name drawing but realized I actually enjoy trying to find just the right thing and it's $100 total.

[iris lilies]

What is In this for your bro and sil I wonder. Do they feel obligation to buy for everyone if there is no single person designated? I simply cannot grok it that need to gift especially if all members of your family are not being In one huddle to open the gift.

Dude, stay strong, stay out of the gifting obligation.

[iris lilies]

Envious! DH is already upset because friends of ours have unequivocally stated No Gifts. No Gifts, Yeah, Doing Cartwheels!!! His whole family is a $50+ per person x 12+ people affair ... that's typically $1000 gone, and a bunch of clutter I didn't want and won't use gained, every year, and I've finally figured out, this is vicarious retail therapy for all of them, even asking for specific things never works, they just want to shop. What I wouldn't give for a secret santa plan!

I can only hope that you step back and let your DH do all shopping, wrapping, mailing.

Back in the days when my DH's family was still doing the gift thing where a small present went to everyone, around 23 people, I let him figure it out, which he always did. I never minded the $ because none of them spent much on each other, it was the holiday hassle and mailing and etc. that was awful. His family, his hassle.

[kib]

I can only hope that you step back and let your DH do all shopping, wrapping, mailing.

Back in the days when my DH's family was still doing the gift thing where a small present went to everyone, around 23 people, I let him figure it out, which he always did. I never minded the $ because none of them spent much on each other, it was the holiday hassle and mailing and etc. that was awful. His family, his hassle. ... all i can say is god bless Amazon. Just about zero hassle to empty our gift account and send off cards that will still miraculously make it to their destinations by Christmas. I have stopped really liking this holiday at all. DH gets depressed every year, we have exactly three friends that we celebrate with, and I waver between feeling like I'm being an isolating scrooge who's finally being left alone and feels sad and ashamed about it, and still not actually wanting to participate. Maybe one of these years I'll just go on a cruise.

[Mary B.]

When I was a little kid (long ago -- there were still dinosaurs in low-lying areas) my Mom's family did a gift exchange. It was actually a really big deal. An aunt in a distant province would begin the process by mailing out the names, typed out on slips of paper and put in a special envelope in her letter to my Mom. We would draw names (if you drew someone in your immediate family you had to throw them back in) and then Mom would write a letter dispatching the names to the next sibling on the list. This happened in October or early November. The arrival of gifts was also quite exciting. And then of course there was the writing of the thank-you letter to the unknown cousin or barely-remembered uncle. But still.

The thing about this, though, was that it really was a long time ago. Keeping in touch was a real challenge for Mom's family, and was at that time done almost entirely by letter since long distance telephone calls were prohibitively expensive and there was of course no email. Receiving a gift from far away was a much-anticipated thrill, at least for me and I think for my other cousins too. The tradition was discontinued by the time I finished high school -- I think by that time most of the cousins had withdrawn, and phone calls were way more common. I think in general exchanging gifts with extended family just because it's gift-giving season is an idea whose time is past.

[Williamsmith]

[QUOTE=kib;225638]... all i can say is god bless Amazon. Just about zero hassle to empty our gift account and send off cards that will still miraculously make it to their destinations by Christmas. I have stopped really liking this holiday at all. DH gets depressed every year, we have exactly three friends that we celebrate with, and I waver between feeling like I'm being an isolating scrooge who's finally being left alone and feels sad and ashamed about it, and still not actually wanting to participate. Maybe one of these years I'll just go on a cruise.

This is a shame. As a child this holiday had so much meaning for me. Besides the magic of Santa Claus, which I still believe in, there was the tight knit family reunions with homemade food at grandmas house.

I can see the young faces of my cousins and my brothers. I can see them all who have passed away, uncles and aunts. I can see things that aren't necessarily connected to the holiday. Packs of Lucky Strikes, Camels and Kools drawn out of shirt pockets, tapped against the back of the hand, carefully tearing off the celophane and tapping out one perfectly formed cigarette, placed at the edge of ones dry lip and lit with a silver zippo lighter. I can hear the metal lighter snap shut.

I can see the Lionel trains, the really old coal fired engine puffing smoke as it slowly ran through the sleepy mountain village surrounded by a real pine tree decorated with tinsel, bulbs, fragile glass ornaments , lights and fake snow. The modern train circling around the outside taking passengers to far off places. The freight train, the little worker unloading milk containers, logs, and cattle, oil and gasoline.

I can see gifts long rusted or thrown away. A ten speed Schwinn bicycle with a banana seat and a shifter on the crossbar. A robot that threw white plastic balls, a bow that shot arrows into a Tide box stuffed with dryer lint, a bb gun with which to shoot baseball cards and a Miami Dolphins winter tossil cap. A real NFL football and an NBA basketball.

I can see my cousins racetrack where we ran 500mile enduros with our race cars, switching out magnets to simulate pit stops. GI Joes, silly putty, new baseball mitts and pocket knives long since lost. I remember the first time ai played a video game on a tv.....pong.

I remember exactlt how each cookie tasted...I can see Santa Claus riding on the Fire Engine like a high school hero. I can feel the fear I had of sitting on his lap but the certainty that I would get what I asked for. I remember contemplating how one person could deliver all the toys in one night while I slept in my warm bed. I remember the wind whistling in my bedroom window sill on cold Christmas nights. I remember a tree a presents that would magically appear over night and my parents who seemed to always be so tired on Christmas morning. But I can see how satisfied they are in their faces.

I remember what a great a time it was and it still is for me. This is a gift my family gave me that I hope I passed on to my kids.

[ApatheticNoMore]

... all i can say is god bless Amazon. Just about zero hassle to empty our gift account and send off cards that will still miraculously make it to their destinations by Christmas. I have stopped really liking this holiday at all. DH gets depressed every year, we have exactly three friends that we celebrate with, and I waver between feeling like I'm being an isolating scrooge who's finally being left alone and feels sad and ashamed about it, and still not actually wanting to participate. Maybe one of these years I'll just go on a cruise.

not a bad idea, I've at times felt the need to leave town. But really I just ignore now, I don't let it bug me, I don't go non-food shopping for myself this time of year (maybe in January) and even minimize the time I spend in food stores with tons of holiday music. The crazy will go on without me, I can just let it pass by. I buy very little for anyone.

Maybe when my dad died the need to carry (for him) the anger he always felt and expressed this time of year (yes I remember things too - how much resentment he expressed for us greedy kids wanting toys etc., how much anger there was) seems to have lessened. And I don't have to carry anything, or get horribly depressed, or try too hard to be cheery in the face of the depression, or do anything much out of the ordinary, unless I should get a spontaneous urge to.


this is vicarious retail therapy for all of them, even asking for specific things never works, they just want to shop.

c-r-a-z-y, what is wrong with those people, if I wanted to shop I'd make darn sure I got something for MYSELF. For me, me, me, that I could admire from then on, or something. I occasionally feel a gift giving urge, but it's hardly obligatory. I guess I've done minor retail shopping for fun for others at thrifts a little (but definitely not at this crazy time of year - where I don't shop beyond food).

[Chicken lady]

Williamsmith THAT is why we're building an addition. Which was starting to wear on me. So thank you for reminding me.

I would love to draw names with dh family. He and his siblings/spouses have opted out of exchanging, we buy gifts for the neices and nephews until they turn 18 (so my kids are out) and his mother buys gifts for the kids until they turn 14 then gives them a check with a trinket for 4 years and stops. Meanwhile we all try to buy stuff for his parent's who need nothing and have no vices and they buy stuff for us we mostly do not want or need. Next year I'm asking my kids for a list and passing it all to them. They are trying to establish households.

[Gregg]

I officially made the flip from being a Christmas lover to being a Thanksgiving lover years ago. Guaranteed four day weekend. Family and friends. Food and football. Just enough booze and lots of naps. Seriously, what's not to love? As for Christmas, I totally get the "reason for the season". I had that aspect shoved down my throat the whole time I was growing up so don't mind skipping the mega-church pageantry some others in my circles enjoy.

Beyond the religion its just Xmas, designed and built for retail gluttony. Like many others here I don't need or want more stuff. We've taken to giving our (now adult) kids experiences. Hopefully they're getting the hints and doing the same for us. I'm pretty sure 2/3 of them get it, #3, probably not. She has a very avant garde gift giving style. The last box I hauled to Goodwill was filled with her thoughtful gifts from Christmas past. Wine glasses made from coconut husks anyone? The one year she did get us an experience it was a Groupon for a round of golf at a small town, municipal course almost 200 miles from our house. DW plays once every 3 or 4 years, maybe, and DD said she thought the course was right next to us (its in a different state), but its the thought that counts. Her DH does understand so we've tried to lead him at least to the consumable end of the spectrum. Personally, I think a bottle of highly rated Bourbon is a marvelous gift, but we'll see...she does the shopping.

[Tenngal]

I officially made the flip from being a Christmas lover to being a Thanksgiving lover years ago. Guaranteed four day weekend. Family and friends. Food and football. Just enough booze and lots of naps. Seriously, what's not to love? As for Christmas, I totally get the "reason for the season". I had that aspect shoved down my throat the whole time I was growing up so don't mind skipping the mega-church pageantry some others in my circles enjoy.

Beyond the religion its just Xmas, designed and built for retail gluttony. Like many others here I don't need or want more stuff. We've taken to giving our (now adult) kids experiences. Hopefully they're getting the hints and doing the same for us. I'm pretty sure 2/3 of them get it, #3, probably not. She has a very avant garde gift giving style. The last box I hauled to Goodwill was filled with her thoughtful gifts from Christmas past. Wine glasses made from coconut husks anyone? The one year she did get us an experience it was a Groupon for a round of golf at a small town, municipal course almost 200 miles from our house. DW plays once every 3 or 4 years, maybe, and DD said she thought the course was right next to us (its in a different state), but its the thought that counts. Her DH does understand so we've tried to lead him at least to the consumable end of the spectrum. Personally, I think a bottle of highly rated Bourbon is a marvelous gift, but we'll see...she does the shopping.


If one must buy me a present, please make it a gift card I can spend on something needed. I do think there are people who do not feel happy unless they are buying gifts.....my advice is for them to get involved with a good program for needy children and go buy some toys or clothes for them.

[freshstart]

This is a shame. As a child this holiday had so much meaning for me. Besides the magic of Santa Claus, which I still believe in, there was the tight knit family reunions with homemade food at grandmas house.

I can see the young faces of my cousins and my brothers. I can see them all who have passed away, uncles and aunts. I can see things that aren't necessarily connected to the holiday. Packs of Lucky Strikes, Camels and Kools drawn out of shirt pockets, tapped against the back of the hand, carefully tearing off the celophane and tapping out one perfectly formed cigarette, placed at the edge of ones dry lip and lit with a silver zippo lighter. I can hear the metal lighter snap shut.

I can see the Lionel trains, the really old coal fired engine puffing smoke as it slowly ran through the sleepy mountain village surrounded by a real pine tree decorated with tinsel, bulbs, fragile glass ornaments , lights and fake snow. The modern train circling around the outside taking passengers to far off places. The freight train, the little worker unloading milk containers, logs, and cattle, oil and gasoline.

I can see gifts long rusted or thrown away. A ten speed Schwinn bicycle with a banana seat and a shifter on the crossbar. A robot that threw white plastic balls, a bow that shot arrows into a Tide box stuffed with dryer lint, a bb gun with which to shoot baseball cards and a Miami Dolphins winter tossil cap. A real NFL football and an NBA basketball.

I can see my cousins racetrack where we ran 500mile enduros with our race cars, switching out magnets to simulate pit stops. GI Joes, silly putty, new baseball mitts and pocket knives long since lost. I remember the first time ai played a video game on a tv.....pong.

I remember exactlt how each cookie tasted...I can see Santa Claus riding on the Fire Engine like a high school hero. I can feel the fear I had of sitting on his lap but the certainty that I would get what I asked for. I remember contemplating how one person could deliver all the toys in one night while I slept in my warm bed. I remember the wind whistling in my bedroom window sill on cold Christmas nights. I remember a tree a presents that would magically appear over night and my parents who seemed to always be so tired on Christmas morning. But I can see how satisfied they are in their faces.

I remember what a great a time it was and it still is for me. This is a gift my family gave me that I hope I passed on to my kids.

I can totally see this picture you've painted, I bet your kids get it. And I really want that bow and arrow to shoot Tide boxes.

[JaneV2.0]

I've always loved Christmas for the sheer excess of it all. Love the lights, the music, the crowds, the food, the shopping...On the other hand, I can't stand Thanksgiving--mediocre, predicable food, served after what always seems like an interminable wait. And football.>:(How did TV watching become a holiday tradition, anyway? I get giving thanks; I do it regularly. But I could happily just sleep through Thanksgiving.

[kib]

not a bad idea, I've at times felt the need to leave town. But really I just ignore now, I don't let it bug me, I don't go non-food shopping for myself this time of year (maybe in January) and even minimize the time I spend in food stores with tons of holiday music. The crazy will go on without me, I can just let it pass by. I buy very little for anyone.

Maybe when my dad died the need to carry (for him) the anger he always felt and expressed this time of year (yes I remember things too - how much resentment he expressed for us greedy kids wanting toys etc., how much anger there was) seems to have lessened. And I don't have to carry anything, or get horribly depressed, or try too hard to be cheery in the face of the depression, or do anything much out of the ordinary, unless I should get a spontaneous urge to.



c-r-a-z-y, what is wrong with those people, if I wanted to shop I'd make darn sure I got something for MYSELF. For me, me, me, that I could admire from then on, or something. I occasionally feel a gift giving urge, but it's hardly obligatory. I guess I've done minor retail shopping for fun for others at thrifts a little (but definitely not at this crazy time of year - where I don't shop beyond food). I did better with Christmas when I was single, I could do as you do and more or less ignore it save a little picking and choosing - one holiday party, sending out some cards, and hanging a string of little white lights. DH loved the family aspect of the holiday, I think, and now really feels sad to be missing it. Which makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, when I want to be doing even less. Yet another awkward fit, sigh.

WilliamSmith, I have some fond memories of Christmas, I haven't always disliked it. It's more like the older I get, the more contrived (and, sorry, inconvenient) the whole thing gets. It reminds me of a scene from Lost Boys:

Grandpa: What, we're having company again?

Mom: Dad, we haven't had company since Mom died five years ago.

Grandpa: Right! And now we're having company again!

[Tammy]

Kib - if your husband wants more he can make it happen. It's not up to you. He's grown up now. :)

[frugal-one]

This is my least favorite time of year. It brings back memories of drunken fights, screaming and yelling. Then after I was grown, a MIL who expected lots of gifts .. who was very materialistic. You could never live up to her expectations. I finally gave up.

This year I put a decoration on the front door .. that was it. Went to a few cookie exchanges because DH wanted a variety of cookies. Today we went out for a nice lunch as the "gift". We will do a trip in January rather than spend lots of money on things we do not need. I did go to the grocery store today and get everything we need for a nice dinner together. We plan on a nice, quiet day. Sounds lovely. No drama.

[sweetana3]

I think I have turned into that Grandpa above. My house is my sactuary and we do not have people over. Well except Mom in law occasionally. We managed this year to have Thanksgiving and Xmas at her house. We can enjoy her decorations and not have to drag out the "stuff" here.

[catherine]

i'm in the Williamsmith camp on this one. Christmas as a child was very family-oriented and every year was predictable and traditional. Bordering on Magical.

With our own kids, I have to admit that I should be thrown out of simple living forums, but that's my choice, and that's how I value things... We have traditions that we've held to for over 30 years--for instance, all my ornaments have a story attached, and for years, going back to when those big VCR cameras first came out, the kids would tell the story of the ornament, where we got it, etc, and then hang it for the camera. Of course, we no longer videotape the ornament-hanging, but even NOW--and my kids are from 30-37, we still reserve a dozen or so "special ornaments" for when they come down and we hang them Christmas Eve.

We make some presents, time permitting, and my favorite gifts are the ones that have been made, but that doesn't mean we had shop-free Christmases!! Maybe because we really don't shop all year unless we need something badly, we just go nuts. And we LOVE it. It takes us hours to open presents. We get wish lists from each other so we're not wasting money, but then people manage to pick out the unexpected and wonderful.

When we were broke, again, I say sheepishly, we were Christmas bulimics. We would shop at Nordstrom, or buy that one thing that we new the other always wanted, but the week after Christmas we knew we couldn't afford the gifts, so we would return them.

My MIL was the extremely frugal Scotswoman, and she worked at Macy's in the Christmas Shop department and so she got amazing deals and she was such a meticulous housekeeper, her own house could have been a Macy Christmas display. It took her weeks to get the lights on to her liking, and she had a "formula" for colored lights vs. yellow vs. white to give the effect she wanted. The kids would come over and there would be candles all over the place and bowls of sweets--it was a wonderful experience for the them and for us.

So, I'm still in the I Love Christmas camp, but now it's mainly due to the fact that the family has an ironclad appointment to be together.

[Williamsmith]

Catherine's post reminded me about the homemade ornaments we have for our tree. My oldest is 29. I started making ornaments out of just ordinary junk sitting around my shop. I would take a photo of the kids just before Christmas and the photo would be the main part of the ornament, the year prominently painted by hand somewhere. Hey are made from wood, plastic pipe, and metal. We have 29 of those on our tree and can see how our kids grew and matured over the years.

I can stand and look at the ornaments and remember events that happened and what year they happened. It is a gloriously nostalgic trip back in time for me and even a bitter sweet reminisce when I think that 2/3 of my life is probably spent. It makes me want to savor these times together and not become hermit like or defensive. There are sad events that happened but I need to keep them firmly locked in the recesses of my mind because over the years I have lost the ability to put them in perspective. The positive becomes a focus of my daily search for goodness. I know ai have been exposed to several lifetimes of meaningless violence so I am trying to catch up with th love I know exists. This holiday is an opportunity for me to do that.

Yesterday, I picked my youngest up at the airport. He flew in from Houston to stay for a couple weeks and brought a very nice girlfriend with his. Possibly, "The One" he said. As I drove the toll road I purposely used the full service booth to pay the tolls. I greeted each worker with a smile and a "Happy Holiday". It was amazing to elicit a smile and a friendly response back. Little simple things like that can make a difference both ways.

[kib]

Kib - if your husband wants more he can make it happen. It's not up to you. He's grown up now. :) Sorry I use this forum like therapy, >8) but I realized something last night. My mom came from a big family. On this side of the pond, it was just Mom, Dad and me. She wanted a big family, he didn't, and Christmas was always this anxious awkward resentful little gathering of three with many stories of Christmas Past told with depression and longing. We used to do it this (better) way, We always had that ... and always this implication that it was somehow my fault. If I was different maybe he'd have wanted a big family, if she hadn't had a kid she would have gone back to her own people ...

I'm beginning to see where my sense of guilt/obligation about other people's Christmas regrets comes from, not to mention my own ambivalence about the holiday. Thanks, Tammy, another window open. :)

ETA: WilliamSmith, how nice! I must have bad Christmas Karma. At the grocery store yesterday I asked the cashier to break a 20 into 4 5's and tried to give her one as a Christmas tip, she's always got a smile and a solution. I should have known better, she wasn't allowed to take it so I probably fueled irritation instead of Christmas cheer. Sigh.

[Float On]

. Maybe one of these years I'll just go on a cruise.

Can I go with you???
Here it is Dec 23 and I've done nothing other than the tree and lights outside. No interest in shopping for gifts or groceries for a big dinner.

[kib]

Oh, absolutely! Let's find one with lots of eggnog (made by someone else). :~)

[KayLR]

I had childhood Christmases very similar to the one Williamsmith describes so beautifully. I love those memories, but unfortunately I think I probably failed at replicating them for my daughters. Not looking for pity, but I raised them singly, and since their Dad got them some holidays, and his parents snatched them others, I spent many alone. Fast forward, one failed remarriage later (I won't go there) I have never established a tradition beyond a tree (skipped some years) and attending a candlelight Christmas Eve service, which I love. One daughter lives half the country away; the other lives here but we've disconnected somehow holiday-wise. I'm not sure what happened there.

I think I'm becoming a pagan-Christian, not sure what to call it. I enjoy the candles and lights, the cold, the trees, the stars-- and I hope our clouds part long enough for me to see the Christmas moon. I enjoy the visual images of the season, but not the social pressures, the excess and the music--I'm over that by Thanksgiving; it's ubiquitous after Halloween.

My now-husband and I may spend the day doing a jigsaw puzzle, playing cribbage, going for a walk in the woods, and discovering how to fashion our own traditions for the last quarter of our lives.