my daughter said she is not coming to Christmas

[Zoe Girl]

I am trying not to cry, and I am kinda chain smoking after years of not smoking.

She and her boyfriend got a dog. It is a huskie puppy with separation anxiety. That is fine, but he is only kennel trained for an hour so she asked to bring him. I said no, I already have 3 cats and I am only allowed to have 2 (middle daughter took herself to rehab and I offered to take the cat but they have until the end of January to find him a home). I also have a specific clause in my lease about visiting animals, especially dogs. So I talked to her since they only live a half mile away and said I could keep dinner to one hour and if one of them needed to go home and miss the present part I was okay with that. I also said i don't think that is a great situation for a dog to come to a small apartment with 7 adults, 3 cats and a huge amount of present activity. Her last text was not just that her boyfriend would have to stay home but that neither of them were coming. This was after a looong text (came up as 7 texts) about a lot of other issues that have been brewing. My issue is that it is my apartment and I get to set my boundaries, I literally see her like 4 times a year. I finally got our relationship to the point she will let me take her to the Dr and dentist after years of not taking care of herself, and she really can't do these things alone apparently, so this is a huge step back in so many ways.

My sister was nice, she remembers being a young couple with a dog and not understanding why the dog couldn't just go everywhere. I wonder if my daughter would talk to my sister. A large factor is likely the boyfriend who feels he knows everything. I feel like she was meeting me halfway with the very prompt dinner, I already scheduled the entire night to make sure he could make it after working that day, but then she talked to him and texted back that the issues I had were not issues and they were both not coming.

sadness,

[SteveinMN]

ZG, don't forget that the rules about the dog are not entirely yours. I agree that it's not smart to bring a dog with separation anxiety into your home in this situation (as long as there's any choice about it). But you need to keep your landlord happy, too. I'm sure that doesn't fix this, and I hope DD changes her mind. But know that for a good piece of this, you were just the messenger.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you Steve, my old rental I would have had the dog over. I had a yard and more space. I have a barely 2 bedroom with 3 cats, 7 adults and my mom brought 3 big black trash bags of gifts (and mailed more). Even without the landlord I would have said no.

I just didn't think we were the kind of family to pull this s** instead of working it out.

[Zoe Girl]

Okay she is coming but the bf isn't, and she was much nicer about her last text messages. I feel good about being calm and just not getting off track into all the other issues she brought up. Just sticking to not having the dog for the basic 2 reasons.

[ToomuchStuff]

There are a lot of "dog people", who are just naive. I see them trying to take their non service animals, where food is served, against health department regulations.

Do remember she is an adult and can make her own choices that you won't be happy with, and you have no right to do anything about that.

[Williamsmith]

There are certain universal truths I've come to accept after some years of trying to fit square pegs in round holes. One of them is......If there is nothing more needs to be said, then there is nothing more should be said. You disagree, that is a real and viable outcome that should be permitted to exist without anybody placing values on either side.

I was once the uninvited dog owner, my parents the host. I took the dog anyway and a great "discussion" broke out over the wisdom of my doing so. Nobody had a nice holiday.......not even the dog.

This is a case where both sides should move on for the moment. Seeing as how you only control the one side.....your job is done.

[freshstart]

She lives a mile away, they could easily take turns spending time with the dog. She is choosing to push the issue when she knows you can't even have dogs at your place. I hope she comes for your sake, but leaves home all the "issues" in her texts. Bringing up issues on a holiday is worse than bringing your uninvited dog. I hope you have a peaceful day.

I used to ask to bring my dog to events at my parents' house. The dog was very well behaved and I could not understand the reason they said no. I didn't not go but I was indignant. Once I started having events at my house and everyone under the sun thought of course they could bring their dog because I love dogs so much, I got it. These people didn't even ask, it was assumed. And multiple animals is a PITA with company.

Your house, your rules. And I agree, you did you part, ok to move on

[Miss Cellane]

Your house, your rules.

But your adult daughter has the right to decide that she doesn't want to meet your rules, and to just stay home if she wants to.

I'm glad your daughter and her boyfriend worked out a compromise, even if that leaves him alone for part of Christmas Day.

You seemed to expect that she would just follow your rules and your suggestions. But she is an adult and gets to make the choice if she will attend an event, not you. Your reasons for not having the dog in your house are sound and valid. But I think you also need to consider that from her point of view, her decision not to attend your dinner might also have been sound and valid.

Again, I'm glad a compromise was worked out. But she is an adult, and you can't expect to like all the choices she makes.

[Zoe Girl]

She lives a mile away, they could easily take turns spending time with the dog. She is choosing to push the issue when she knows you can't even have dogs at your place. I hope she comes for your sake, but leaves home all the "issues" in her texts. Bringing up issues on a holiday is worse than bringing your uninvited dog. I hope you have a peaceful day.



Thank you, I think the dog was one thing, I can understand wanting to bring the dog and not understanding. I wasn't mean about how I said no. I truly am also concerned that this would be an overwhelming time to bring an anxious dog into. But the other issues like telling me that my lease did not say that was the part that had me cry. She has some issues with me and that is hard.

I realized one of my concerns is about her taking care of herself. After 2 years or more I finally was able to make her a dentist appointment, it is obvious she is not able to take herself. There is also a DR appointment that is overdue and she only has insurance until September. So are these appointments going to fall apart because they need to stay with the dog now? Every time I see her the teeth look worse, yes she is an adult but when you realize your kid is dealing with some issues you try. I don't even want to think about the standard she needs to keep for serious allergies, and the consequences she had as a child even with how clean and allergy free I kept the house. But that is getting into the mom story,

[freshstart]

How old is she? At some point, you can only do so much. If I remember correctly, you were going to pay for and take her to the dentist, if she won't accept that, as my pediatrician used to tell me, "is this the hill you want to die on?", i.e.: win battle, lose war. If they choose to live so that one of them is home with the dog all the time (I assume they work?), you can't change that as absurd as that sounds. Of course not going to the doctor in years is a stupid mistake and now blaming it on the dog would be even stupider. I have a 16 and 18 yr old, I can tell them nothing, I could say, "the house is on fire, get out," and they would be like "yeah, right, mom." I use "is this the hill you want to die on?" more now than when they were younger. And most of the time, the answer is "no".

[JaneV2.0]

I feel sorry for the animals who didn't ask to be brought into such chaos. She is an adult, so can make her own choices, and it sounds like she finally came up with a satisfactory compromise.

[ejchase]

I think it's a testament to your restraint (not addressing all the other issues in her texts, sticking to the issues that you thought were relevant) and her ultimate love and appreciation for you that she is going to come. Bravo to both of you.

I'd say the measure of a family's health is not whether these disagreements happen or not but how people handle and recover from them. We are all human, and we all have our bad moments.

Hang in there and try to have a fun day.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you ej, I was trying to feel good about how it went so this helps.

I did get the dog a present, and I would dog-site except I am trying to not be judgemental of the cleanliness of her house. I raised her so I know I would show up with gloves, cleaning supplies and trash bags. Probably better to stay over here if I am going to be nice :)

[Karma]

If you only see her a few times a year she is taking care of herself. The dog is not the issue just an excuse.

[Williamsmith]

I see the dog as a factor that complicates the mother / daughter relationship but truly the approach is the same. Stand by your convictions on what is right or wrong.

The litmus test on independence is of course does she need to be supported financially even though she has established a separate living arrangement.

Need to be / and you choosing to ....are two different things but it affects your relationship because the more supportive you are financially the more invested and the more you feel authorized to lean on her for change.

As long as you realize these things come about on a daily basis and creep into relationships, then you'll understand more the other position usually doesn't develop out of disrespect but immaturity or simply being tossed off balance by frequent changes in the normal interaction between mom and daughter.

I got an unusual hug and heartfelt thank you from my oldest son who has gone through hell recently with a divorce, a move, child custody issues, unfounded accusations and financial challenges. When a father and son can let go of their inhibitions long enough to embrace and shed a tear or two..... well it's a sign you can work together to make life what it was meant to be.

I wish that for the OP.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you, She did come and her BF stayed with the dog. It was a nice time but so crowded with all of us that I had to put the cats locked away. Sometimes I really miss my big house I lost in foreclosure, I would have loved to have the dog over and even people spending the night but the downside of a really simple small place is that I can't do those things. So it brings up my crap around not being able to do for my kids what I would like to. And I know the dynamic of needing help since I have needed help from my parents over the years, not always a good feeling.

I felt bad for her, her excema is horrible around her eyes and she was very tired. She worked early in the morning and stayed up late (we set the time based on her BF's work schedule originally). But it was good, and I saw a video that week of the vacuum I gave them and how the dog liked it (not). They were able to bring the dog to dad's on Christmas day. And I think she liked all the presents, no ongoing drama over the dog,

[larknm]

Separation is difficult on both sides, but is inevitable one way or another. I personally don't believe adult children are obligated to spend holidays at their parents, particularly if it's to make the holidays work for the parents. And I don't believe parents or anyone else are obligated to invite anyone else's dog. Maybe too much guilt tripping on both sides of this, and that both sides would be happier if more independent of the other.

As an old woman told me once, people do not love people who make them feel guilty. I too think this is not about the dog but about who gets to make the rules in negotiating an adult-adult relationship.

[Zoe Girl]

larknm, I am not sure I understand the obligation part of this. I don't feel like we guilted each other, we just had a hard time working this one out. Actually all my kids and I talked about the plans well ahead of time to make sure we accomodated all the differing work schedules. We planned this to make it possible for her and her boyfriend.

I guess I don't see this as setting rules, I think I have raised my kids a bit different than that. My mom was making rules for me up until I was 40 I think, and I was fighting them all that time I think :). I just had a funny flashback about some of the rules I had growing up, what clothes I could wear and what hairstyle I was allowed. It seems funny now. I have a long history of having family meetings and working things out with my kids, I have also had people misinterpret family meetings in a negative way. We used them very positively, to work out schedules, plan meals and bring up issues if we had them. But I do not set rules for things that do not need rules,

[larknm]

I apologize. I don't know your situation well enough to make such assumptions. Thanks for letting me know.

[Zoe Girl]

No problem larknm, I like to think I am okay at communication but even in the best of cases it sometimes falls apart. I often find that talking here gives me another perspective. So I think that it still helps me to remember that when mom says something it can sound like a rule just because I am mom,