Things became so mundane

[ctg492]

Ok I will say it, not self pity really, but just how life became.

I got zero not one, zip, nada, nothing for Christmas from Husband, either grown son. I gave gifts to my sons. And Ok not to husband as I took him to the Shinola Watch store Ann Arbor to pick out the wonderful gift I thought of and he said Nope nothing there(he has a Rolex and nothing compares to that). What could I buy a man who has all the toys he could possibly want. He feels the same way as what could he buy me when I don't want much material items. I have to say my Son's, Oh I have never expected anything for either as that must have been the way I raised them. Daughter in law, new this year to family made me some homemade candy which was sweet.

I got one email from a long gone friend that was so nice to hear from, it made my day. One neighbor and I exchanged small token gifts.

That was it. I know re evaluate myself. I give and get people gifts all year, yet the holidays I tend to not.

I feel funny that we must have let things become so mundane that this happened.

[Ultralight]

What would you rather your life be, if not mundane?

I ask this seriously.

[Chicken lady]

Ctg, I did that to myself over the years. My family would try to give me gifts and do special things for mothers day/birthday/holiday etc, but it would be this tiny break in the arguing, demanding overwhelming norm. And I would be grumpy. And I would say things like "I don't want to go out o dinner. It would be nice if people would just help me clean the kitchen occaisionally.". And my family decided "mom doesn't like holidays."

Which was not true. Mom loves holidays, but mom was not getting her basic needs met, which made her tired and angry and cynical about all he icing when there was no cake. And they stopped getting me presents and planning things, but they did NOT start cleaning up after themselves.

Then they grew up, and I grew up, and learned to communicate better.

This year at Thanksgiving they all showed up and helped sweep and cook and set the table and put out decorations and candles and we used the good dishes and everyone was here and it was wonderful!

I had all three biokids to get the tree. I had them and their s.o.s here Christmas day. I had help. I didn't feel like a servant and i was able to enjoy the icing.

What do you want your holiday to look like?

[Zoe Girl]

Yeah, I have to ask what would fee good to you as well.

I was kind of down on traditional holiday stuff for a long time. However most all my kids live on their own and I find that it means a lot to get a gift or something. My oldest daughter has a hard time with money and she always gives me a very fancy card. This year she got some free mugs at work of the national parks so I got one of those and some tea. I think despite all the commercialization talk we have here it really makes us both feel good. I know what it is like to be the poor person in the family and I strive to give something at the holidays, it actually can feel good without getting into the craziness. It is interesting that you do gifts at other times but not the holidays.

Do you want to try more holiday stuff? Maybe tell your family that? And it is okay to stick with consumables or token gifts. Honestly I get all my PJ's and slippers at the holidays, and any scarves. It is not essential but I really have grown to like it.

[rosarugosa]

CTG: I'm sorry that your holiday was disappointing. That's just one of many things I dislike about Christmas, the almost infinite capacity to evoke depression, disappointment, loneliness, regret, financial devastation, stress, etc. etc.
I agree with the posters above that it would be worthwhile to reassess what you would like from the holiday. Then you should communicate with your family, perhaps expressed as how you might like to do things a bit differently next year. If you all don't want or need much in the way of material things, perhaps you could do some type of family experience gift, a weekend family getaway, or a nice day trip with lunch or dinner out, something like that, to make the time special without a lot of stuff. I didn't get any gifts outside of a couple of work things (just can't get away from that while I'm still working, I suppose) and a couple of food things from Mom & Sister, but that suited me to a tee. I did really like the overnight getaway to Portland with DH though.

[JaneV2.0]

Holidays seem to provide a kind of Rorschach test for relationships and attitudes toward them and toward life in general. They're a kind of field day for the disgruntled.

[Ultralight]

Holidays seem to provide a kind of Rorschach test for relationships and attitudes toward them and toward life in general. They're a kind of field day for the disgruntled.


I am intrigued. What do you mean? Can you explain some?

[JaneV2.0]

I am intrigued. What do you mean? Can you explain some?

No--I'd just be repeating myself.

[Ultralight]

No--I'd just be repeating myself.

So people are so disgruntled that they go out and buy all sorts of stuff?

[Float On]

So people are so disgruntled that they go out and buy all sorts of stuff?


I think it can be highly stressful because families are made up of people and attitudes and for one day out of the year everyone is supposed to put on a smile, have the perfect family, the perfect meal, the perfect gifts, and all is supposed to be right in the world. No heartache, no drama, no unpaid bills. The "Hallmark" moment. It's exhausting.

Heck, everything usually goes right in my family and I still end up near or in tears by 6p.m. most Christmas Days. It's just exhausting and something is always a let-down. For me this year the tears almost happened when I started thinking about Christmas growing up. We had Christmas morning and then loaded up to head to my mom's family for lunch time and gift exchange in a house filled with 60 or more people and then over to dad's side for dinner time in a house filled with 30 people. I can't do anything like that for my kids, they've never experienced a Christmas filled with family because everyone is spread out now from Portland, OR to Hilton Head, SC. I got sad and a bit depressed. Still didn't care that I didn't get one single gift to open, that was fine. It was just the feeling of a family Christmas that I missed.

[Ultralight]

I think it can be highly stressful because families are made up of people and attitudes and for one day out of the year everyone is supposed to put on a smile, have the perfect family, the perfect meal, the perfect gifts, and all is supposed to be right in the world. No heartache, no drama, no unpaid bills. The "Hallmark" moment. It's exhausting.

Heck, everything usually goes right in my family and I still end up near or in tears by 6p.m. most Christmas Days. It's just exhausting and something is always a let-down. For me this year the tears almost happened when I started thinking about Christmas growing up. We had Christmas morning and then loaded up to head to my mom's family for lunch time and gift exchange in a house filled with 60 or more people and then over to dad's side for dinner time in a house filled with 30 people. I can't do anything like that for my kids, they've never experienced a Christmas filled with family because everyone is spread out now from Portland, OR to Hilton Head, SC. I got sad and a bit depressed. Still didn't care that I didn't get one single gift to open, that was fine. It was just the feeling of a family Christmas that I missed.

It just doesn't seem worth it to me.


I am sorry to hear you were in such a state. Perhaps things will look up now that the holidays are past.

[ctg492]

I walked son's puppy over to show my wonderful neighbors on Christmas. I noted there were not dressed up. I knew there were no decorations. I mentioned it to her today. These are people who have an over the top Halloween party, Cocktail Parties and such, but no Christmas. She told me they decided years ago there is so much given during the year that they would not support the Christmas frenzy. No gifts for each other either or grand kids.

[Float On]

It just doesn't seem worth it to me.


I am sorry to hear you were in such a state. Perhaps things will look up now that the holidays are past.


For me, it was a tiny "state". I was fine 10 minutes later.

[Ultralight]

I walked son's puppy over to show my wonderful neighbors on Christmas. I noted there were not dressed up. I knew there were no decorations. I mentioned it to her today. These are people who have an over the top Halloween party, Cocktail Parties and such, but no Christmas. She told me they decided years ago there is so much given during the year that they would not support the Christmas frenzy. No gifts for each other either or grand kids.

Not a bad system, I'd say.

[Dhiana]

Has it truly become so mundane or have you simply been appreciating each day of the year that much more? Those random gifts throughout the year can be the best surprise, a true gift vs. the required/expected gift at christmas.

Due to my husband's very erratic schedule in the first years of our marriage we celebrated holidays in our own way on a day that was convenient for us. Rarely on the actual calendar day. This year we celebrated christmas with him taking last Tuesday off of work and went to the 10am showing of Star Wars in IMAX 3D.
The actual christmas day was us just relaxing, reading, homemade pizza, and a marathon of the Rockford Files. No gifts, no tree, only 2 decorations.

Mundane? Maybe by others or commercial tv standards, but we think it was spectacular :)

Celebrate how you want.

[Ultralight]

Celebrate how you want.

I can dig it.

[jp1]

Holidays seem to provide a kind of Rorschach test for relationships and attitudes toward them and toward life in general. They're a kind of field day for the disgruntled.

I agree. At least for certain people. In another thread a week or two ago I had talked about how one of my friends, the only one besides SO that I was planning to buy anything for, had caught me off guard by suggesting that we just each give to charity. For her, because of lifelong family issues, the holidays and her birthday have always been that Rorschach test she applied to her friends. Perhaps after 25 years of friendship I've finally passed the test. Or perhaps she came to the conclusion that gifts don't mean love.

[frugal-one]

Has it truly become so mundane or have you simply been appreciating each day of the year that much more? Those random gifts throughout the year can be the best surprise, a true gift vs. the required/expected gift at christmas.

Mundane? Maybe by others or commercial tv standards, but we think it was spectacular :)

Celebrate how you want.

Due to my husband's very erratic schedule in the first years of our marriage we celebrated holidays in our own way on a day that was convenient for us. Rarely on the actual calendar day. This year we celebrated christmas with him taking last Tuesday off of work and went to the 10am showing of Star Wars in IMAX 3D.
The actual christmas day was us just relaxing, reading, homemade pizza, and a marathon of the Rockford Files. No gifts, no tree, only 2 decorations.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sounds similar to the celebration here. No gifts, no tree, only a decoration on the door.... no stress. We went out for a nice lunch earlier in the week and had a lovely meal on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I received a gift from anyone. I am happy.

[ToomuchStuff]

My thoughts are part of it is the false expectations, drama, lies, etc. that tv, your local community, etc. push on people for Christmas, then after all the unwrapping/meal, the disappointment sets in.

Makes me think of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzfCtGFgRSk

[Williamsmith]

Focusing on people and not things is kinda the key to me. Things get in the way. It's a struggle for me.

[Ultralight]

Focusing on people and not things is kinda the key to me.

Hits the nail on the head.

[Tenngal]

save your money and buy something nice for yourself. Sounds like husband and sons are so selfish they can't see anything wrong
with not taking time out to so something for you. If they have the nerve to bring it up next year just tell them you thought they
did not want to participate in gift exchanges.

[freshstart]

Focusing on people and not things is kinda the key to me. Things get in the way. It's a struggle for me.

this is what I want. I admit for the first time I was not harried about Christmas shopping, buying all gift cards or buying from a list the kids handed me. I slowly found things I thought people would enjoy at good prices and offered to take anything they did not like to the shelter. No takers. I was pleased with how my exchange with them went and the key was I truly did not want or need anyone to do the same for me, I really didn't. I waited to see if the kids would do anything and planned to tell them the only thing I wanted was one on one time with each of them to do lunch and a movie that I would pay for. I genuinely only wanted their time, DS leaves for luthier school in Arizona in July, time with him is so precious to me because we were not on steady ground for a long time.

My kids however, 16 and 18, were not raised to be takers and this Christmas that's all they were. My son said since he said he wanted no gifts, he was not obligated to buy or make gifts for others. So while he took the gifts offered, he felt he had kept his end of the "deal". He actually said this and I was truly disgusted. You want to keep the "deal"? Donate all the stuff you just got to the homeless, which I actually started to say before realizing it would be WW3 and I would probably lose him for good. DD fully expected gifts. They didn't even make or buy cards for their dying grandmother, when they full well know that's all it takes to make her happy, just a nice note. They both have/had jobs, they could've mustered up the time and energy to go to the dollar store for a few cards, they only needed three. I am mortified that they did nothing. It was the first year ever my mom didn't take them to the artsy jewelry store and buy me a $20 ring that I always treasure. At 16 and 18 you are old enough to go together to the store and shell out $10 for a tradition you have done for over a decade. Clearly, they don't care that that was always my favorite present because my mom would tell me how they lingered and negotiated to get just the right ring they both agreed on. I now realize this was utter BS my mom was making up to make me feel better.

So at the end, after being fully ashamed of my children (it really infuriates me about my mom, that they couldn't even do a G-- damned card), I said what I would really like is the one on one time with them as a present, it would cost them nothing. Both refuse to go to a movie, they cannot fit that into their schedule, yeah, uh huh. DD did lunch today, she was using her phone the whole time, told me she hates my new hair (a style she picked out), refused any attempt at conversation about anything even freaking One Direction. Ordered a ton of food, ate maybe 1/4 of it and was going to leave it there. All I got was her being rude, condescending and I sincerely wish we had not gone at all. She couldn't even muster up 1/2 hr of chit chat. DS remains to be seen, not going into it with high hopes.

I get they are teens, they are in general great kids but they really took the wind out of my sails this year. Time is what I want and I think I waited way to long to get it, they are far beyond lunch with mom.

I got $200 from sib and folks and my mom did adult coloring books. I'm using the cash to pay for this awesome memory foam and gel pad mattress topper because my mattress is hurting my back and hips. This thing is awesome so Merry Christmas to me. And I had enough left over for sheets. The money was a real treat but it truly would've been fine had I just got token gifts like the coloring book and that was it. I don't need things from others. What I want is time with others. And I am going to take the time to really spend it with people who want to be around me, especially my mom. Right now, I feel like screw my kids, no excuses for that behavior.

I am really worked up that they did not a thing for my mom, I don't know how to get past that.

[Williamsmith]

It was sometimes easier for me when raising my kids, to enable their immaturity by providing luxuries to them as well as wants let alone the needs. I justify their unacceptable behavior by placing the blame on myself for taking shortcuts in proper parenting.

If I am honest, I can also easily remember acts of omission or overt acts against my own parents as a young man that were quite disrespectful and often undermined our relationships. Later when more mature, meaning when I could no longer exploit their role as parents, I learned to be a better child, act in a more acceptable manner and not disappoint as often.

This is a matter of historical fact for me, not a philosophical yarn. You never stop parenting. They never stop being a child. I suppose for me it is a comfort that I was completely responsible for their existence otherwise I might on occasion justifiably ask, "Why me?"

[freshstart]

It was sometimes easier for me when raising my kids, to enable their immaturity by providing luxuries to them as well as wants let alone the needs. I justify their unacceptable behavior by placing the blame on myself for taking shortcuts in proper parenting.

This is a matter of historical fact for me, not a philosophical yarn. You never stop parenting. They never stop being a child. I suppose for me it is a comfort that I was completely responsible for their existence otherwise I might on occasion justifiably ask, "Why me?"

I admit fault for some of their behavior, my ex would stop at nothing to get custody, I was served just about yearly with incredibly stupid things he was trying to sue over. The judge has tired of this nonsense and would just rule in my favor but it kept me on my toes, cost me money and I was scared there would be an "ah ha" Perry Mason moment in which some terrible thing would be said about me (OMG, she has depression and goes to therapy, that was the big one I was scared about) and my kids would be whisked away. So I did not always follow through on consequences for poor behavior, fearing they would run straight into the arms of fun dad (never any consequences, lavished with things) and away from mean mom. I would threaten but follow through was not great. And they learned fast that they could manipulate me because my ex said everything under the sun about me, whereas I would not do that about him. I came out looking like a patsy, easy prey for tweens and teenagers. Now it's too late to "fix". So far the good parts of parenting are being displayed in their public persona, the yucky family unit stuff does not seem to go beyond the confines of the unit. Thank God. I did them no favors by not parenting the way I would have if I was not worried about losing them all the time. I should have stuck to my guns, raised 'em right and if he won, well, I had done all I could.

[Williamsmith]

It is easy to accept blame for a child's poor behavior and assign it to one strategy or another but it is probably not at all in the least bit correct. There are too many variables to be sure of and outcomes are never predictable.

The custody syndrome is a really threatening status. My sons own ex took their daughter to protective services a day before son was to get her for birthday and holiday weekend and before the major Christmas and New Years Holidays. She knowing full well that they had 30'days to announce a determination all the while he would be denied any communication with her. She's also places a tracking device on her wrist like a watch.

Of course, they determined all allegations to be unfounded but not until after she succeeded in ruining what should have been a memory with his daughter. Five year old daughter was told she wasn't allowed to see or talk with daddy. Now we have to keep a journal and never allow her to be alone with anyone because we need to be able to defend any false allegations. Jealousy and paranoia are vicious mental conditions. Things are not so mundane unfortunately.

[rodeosweetheart]

I admit fault for some of their behavior, my ex would stop at nothing to get custody, I was served just about yearly with incredibly stupid things he was trying to sue over. The judge has tired of this nonsense and would just rule in my favor but it kept me on my toes, cost me money and I was scared there would be an "ah ha" Perry Mason moment in which some terrible thing would be said about me (OMG, she has depression and goes to therapy, that was the big one I was scared about) and my kids would be whisked away. So I did not always follow through on consequences for poor behavior, fearing they would run straight into the arms of fun dad (never any consequences, lavished with things) and away from mean mom. I would threaten but follow through was not great. And they learned fast that they could manipulate me because my ex said everything under the sun about me, whereas I would not do that about him. I came out looking like a patsy, easy prey for tweens and teenagers. Now it's too late to "fix". So far the good parts of parenting are being displayed in their public persona, the yucky family unit stuff does not seem to go beyond the confines of the unit. Thank God. I did them no favors by not parenting the way I would have if I was not worried about losing them all the time. I should have stuck to my guns, raised 'em right and if he won, well, I had done all I could.

I think I did the same thing, Freshstart. I will say that now almost 15 years later, we have great relationships and they "get" what happened at the time, and see how it happened. They are all three incredibly loving individuals and we are beyond those teenaged years of disrespect that you are describing here. I don't think the damage is permanent, you just have to have faith and hold on. I know what you mean about not saying negative things. I don't think you are wrong about taking the high road, although it is a delicate balance, how much do you shield them from the truth. I figure you don't say anything negative about their parent until the child is an adult and enough time has passed, and it comes up naturally, you can tell the adult child what happened, while putting it in the bigger context of something like alcoholism or mental illness.

It's hard to know when it is right to "stick to one's guns" and when it is right to protect them from living with an abuser. I guess I did the same thing; I figured living with my ex would destroy them, and tried to protect them against that.

[freshstart]

thanks, guys, I'm not the only one who has been there. It always bothered me that my ex whole-heartedly believes he is the better parent, he cannot see that by alienating me, lying about me, trying to destroy the maternal relationship is actually harmful to the child. He sees the situation as one in which one parent is the ultimate winner, the children being the prize, when he should know both parents are equally important for a child growing up. I hope a lot of this is just a function of age and disappointment that right now I can't drive DD to the mall and other things going on medically. She is infuriated when I forget things, embarrassed if I fall. I can understand, but I hate this phase and hope we move on soon.

[Ultralight]

thanks, guys, I'm not the only one who has been there. It always bothered me that my ex whole-heartedly believes he is the better parent, he cannot see that by alienating me, lying about me, trying to destroy the maternal relationship is actually harmful to the child. He sees the situation as one in which one parent is the ultimate winner, the children being the prize, when he should know both parents are equally important for a child growing up. I hope a lot of this is just a function of age and disappointment that right now I can't drive DD to the mall and other things going on medically. She is infuriated when I forget things, embarrassed if I fall. I can understand, but I hate this phase and hope we move on soon.

I am sorry to hear you're going through this. It is incredibly unfair.

I too hope you can move on soon.