Dh parents arrive today

[Chicken lady]

So I will spend the rest of my year catering to my mil who is a judgmental demanding woman who thinks she is an easy guest and a martyr.

We are all on orders not to mention ds's girlfriend's dog because dh doesn't want to hear her bitchy dog stories (on the up side dh and ds fixed the door frame the dog chewed already and all it needs is a touch of paint today - because no way in hell are we going to let her know THAT happened!)

I need to stear the conversation away from dh grandfather - who is over 100 and either (if you ask dh aunt) still enjoying spending time with his girlfriend (probably) and family (doubtful) or infantile, disturbed, out of touch with reality and wasting all his money on expensive care instead of dying and leaving it to his daughters (guess who?)

I need to stear the conversation away from my two older children who are living in sin and the baby who is fat (size 8) and has no boyfriend or summer job lined up. And dh job which is a nightmare right now with reorganization and layoffs.

Because I love my dh and he doesn't need any more stress and he wants to see his father.

He went back to meditating in the mornings this week and he will probably go back on Valium this evening.

So I will show her the addition and let her tell me all the things we did wrong already and all the things we should do and maybe I will ask her to help me fix the zipper in my jeans that I busted yesterday because I have gained so much weight over the holidays (so she can lambast my sewing machine and talk about how healthy she eats and how much exercise she gets and how thin she is)

And I will make pecan pie for my fil,which he loves and never gets because she limits his sweets.

And I will open the presents she insists on bringing which make me feel guilty.

And on January 1st they will leave and I will clean the house and sweep the evil spirits out the door.

[Ultralight]

So I will spend the rest of my year catering to my mil who is a judgmental demanding woman who thinks she is an easy guest and a martyr.

Remember, you always have the right to refuse.

[Chicken lady]

Yup. But I chose to accept that role so that dh can spend time with his father and be at least partially shielded from his mom, who actually makes him physicallyill. Because I love him. It's a gift. I may hate it, but the gift isn't for me.

[Ultralight]

Yup. But I chose to accept that role so that dh can spend time with his father and be at least partially shielded from his mom, who actually makes him physicallyill. Because I love him. It's a gift. I may hate it, but the gift isn't for me.

You've got grit, for sure! I hope it ends up being more tolerable than you'd expect. Take care.

[rodeosweetheart]

Chicken Lady, I hope it goes better than you are thinking it will--you know, prepare for the worst and hope for something better--or however that goes!

You sound very well prepared, mentally and physically. I find Valerian is my supplement of choice this time of year. We used to resort to pig latin with things like the dog escape-- ixnay on the og-day would be the signal.

[Williamsmith]

How do you not silently sit around planning infinite numbers of ways to secretly torture her like saving some nice oily poison ivy leaves from the summer and serupticiously rubbing it on her clothing when she's not looking........or well maybe that's enough.

[Float On]

Bless you CL! I understand.

[razz]

OK, tell me some things that you admire about your in-laws - colour of eyes, would work even. Find something good and keep focusing on that every time a negative thought comes to mind.

Make a point of doing something loving for yourself each day. Escape to some quiet spot for some recharge time. Don't feel guilty for doing so.

Make a special point of gifts or acts of kindness to DH several times a day that will boost his spirits and yours.

[freshstart]

How do you not silently sit around planning infinite numbers of ways to secretly torture her like saving some nice oily poison ivy leaves from the summer and serupticiously rubbing it on her clothing when she's not looking........or well maybe that's enough.

up the ante, isn't arsenic tasteless? j/k. What a kind gift for your DH, he should share the valium, though. But IRL, do what Razz suggests

[Chicken lady]

Yeah razz, I started this morning reminding myself that she gave me one of the greatest gifts in my life. She brought him into the world healthy, she kept him physically safe, she made sure he had a good education, she suffered through his piano pessons and made him practice, and she didn't turn him against me when she still had the chance. (ok, the last one is a little vicious).

[nswef]

Oh CL, you need a golden aura all around you for the next few days. It sounds as if you are prepared and remembering she raised a great son can help...maybe even tell her so? Good luck and blessings to you all.

[Tenngal]

be glad it is his mother and not yours. You have only been exposed to her since marriage, he had a lifetime of crazy.
I have one of those mothers. We are always too fat, our houses never clean enough and the kids not perfect.
She is almost impossible to buy a Christmas gift for and really puts the pressure on to get the latest expensive "whatever."
Sheesh, let's go out of town for the holidays!

[iris lilies]

OP, you've got this! Good for you.

My wonderful inlaws would stop here to visit once every few years for one night only. Once in a while DH would talk them into staying two nights. This is why they were wonderful.

[Teacher Terry]

I have had 3 sets of inlaws. The first were terrible but it was a short marriage. The other marriages were long and my inlaws were great. For the set that lived in NY we would visit them for up to 2 weeks at a time and they would come stay with us for a week. We always had so much fun. My current spouse had wonderful parents that died too young at 67 each and I really miss them. They lived in same town and I saw them a lot. Bathe yourself in white light constantly to help you stay grounded. I totally understand why you do this and it is wonderful. Hugs>8)

[Float On]

Did you ever watch the show "Dharma and Greg"? I've been looking on youtube trying to find a clip of her "make a bubble and blow it away" stress reliever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EItq2DMJReA Yes, I've had to do that a lot with comments my MIL has made to me regarding the fact that I grew up on a farm or basically nothing exists west of the Mississippi.

[freshstart]

I use the a trick of surrounding yourself with an impenetrable bubble and you "zip" your real self up and no one can get to it without your permission

[CathyA]

Just curious...........has anyone confronted her about her unacceptable behavior?
You must love your DH a lot. :)

[Chicken lady]

Lol float on! When that show premiered all our friends called us and said "you guys were on tv!"

The mil thing used to be a lot harder. At first, I wanted her to like me. Then I stopped caring, but I needed to defend my children. Then I thought I needed to try to get along with her for dh sake. Finally I have come to understand that I just need to defend dh. He doesn't care if his mother loves me or hates me, as long as she doesn't bitch about me to him. Not that he can't take care of himself, but I don't need to be another item in the list of things he's done wrong.

Also, dealing with her got a lot easier after "the bird incident" when I realized that she is not malicious she is just totally lacking in empathy. One of dh's nieces found a fledgling bird on the ground with a probably broken leg and called grandma. Grandma stood over the peeping creature and identified it by species, lectured he child on the diet and living habits of these birds and then told her "don't touch it. It could have a disease. Something will probably come along and eat it. Maybe the fox. Come inside and help me with lunch."

The whole time the child grew visibly more upset and I became more and more horrified. Mil remained oblivious. And I realized that she literally didn't see our reactions. (I know this because when you are clearly sad/angry over something that she desn't think you should be sad/angry about she says "don't be sad/angry (thing) doesn't matter."

So I bent down and told niece to go with grandma and I would move the bird somewhere safe where its parents might be able to find it.

In my eyes I was helping the child by giving her the comfort of false hope. In mil's eyes she was helping the child by giving her information and good guidelines for dealing with wild animals. Both of us were loving my niece the best way we knew how. And suddenly, so many of the things this woman had done in the past made sense. It wasn't that she didn't care how we felt, it was that she ddn't realize that we felt at all.

Confronting her would do no good. She has an unshakable confidence that she is always right. implying that she should change simply demonstrates that you are wrong. If you persist in being wrong she assures you that you shouldn't be embarrassed about it, you should just change. Example, 10 y.o. leaves the room on the verge of tears because mil says she is fat and denies her a cookie. Mil asks why she left. You say "her feelings were hurt.". Mil says "well she shouldn't get her feelings hurt just because somebody points out that she's fat. She should know she shouldn't eat so many sweets and then she would lose some weight." (very practical my mil)

My favorite mil conflict was when mil insisted that a particular family car from the past was blue in spite of all the other people who rode in it insisting that it was grey. Bil left the room, dug through a bunch of photos and came back 20 minutes later with a photo of the car, which he handed to mil "there!" and she said triumphantly "see, I told you it was grey. I don't know why you people insisted it was blue.". We all just looked at each other in silence.

[iris lilies]

This points out yet another reason why the world is better off that I dId not reproduce. I would have been a terrible mother in law. The MIL sounds a bit like me. Just to point out, Blue/grey is in the eye of the beholder.

[Chicken lady]

It wasn't even close. Tan she might have had a point.

[ToomuchStuff]

I probably would force the issues. Ask if your husband has taken his anti mom anxiety medicine. Send the invite addressed to his father., Ask her about her martyr feelings (if she has them, sounds aspergery), and explain to her martyrs get that way by dying, and she should probably go that way so her money can be yours (oh wait, you mean you think you have to right to your money, like your father has the right to his).

Silence may be golden, but duct tape is silver.:~)

[creaker]

Along with cleaning and sweeping, lighting a smudge stick and going room to room is a good way to wipe away some of the negative energy and evil spirits :-)

[Chicken lady]

Lol!

Last visit her parting words to dh were a breezy "well I hope we didn't stress you out too much!". To which dh replied "I have enough Valium to deal with it."


When she talks about her father I just sit there thinking "someday you will live in that same home and I will never have to visit you.". Actually, the next time she starts on about how they have to go over there all the time, maybe I'll say "no you don't" and see what happens. (he's her father. She has a duty to visit him. Honestly I think she feels the same way about visiting dh. But in 25 years, he's convinced his father to do a just the two of them thing exactly once.)

[freshstart]

duct tape is platinum

I feel bad your DH grew up with her, I hope his dad provided some balance.

My ex-mil was a peach, she had had a mild stroke before I met her but from what I hear, she was always difficult and downright mean or barely acknowledged her son, he was the youngest. He was around for her messy take him back/kick him out relationship with his alcoholic dad, she put her need not to be alone over her child's needs. Luckily, she lived far away, such a martyr and truly acted like a toddler. I never heard either of them say they loved each other. So once when we were putting her on the plane, I coaxed my ex to just say, "Goodbye, I love you," see what happens. I was sure she would say it back and a little light would shine on the relationship. She said a breezy "bye" and never looked back. I know in her way she loved him but she had no positive way to show it. At least she had her own valium, so she was peachy-keen, the rest of us suffered.

I hope I am not a PITA MIL. I hope I realize what a burden having me in their house 24/7 would be and I would instead stay at a nearby hotel.

[ToomuchStuff]

Take some elocution lessons before she arrives!

NSFW, language

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JddNDtC-Yrs

[freshstart]

that was nice, lol

[Chicken lady]

I feel bad for him too. Although sometimes I appreciate her making me look so good. MY mother is amazing and I could never live up to her (and if she read this she'd feel bad for making me feel that way) but dh thinks I'm mother of the year and the best wife ever. So I can thank the woman for setting a low bar.....

Dh had a wonderful grandmother and a couple of pretty cool aunts. Some of his favorite childhood memories are summers spent with them (his mom was a big fan of shipping the kids off)

[Chicken lady]

Round here we say "bless your heart."

[catherine]

Shoot. You're all of a sudden making me feel like I should cancel my flight to Burlington tomorrow. I did see the kids over Christmas (they came here). But as it turns out, I'm going to be just 146 miles short of Gold status on United. So I booked a very cheap flight to push me over 50,000 miles.

I told the kids that I'm going up tomorrow just this morning, and I emphasized that I under no circumstance want anyone changing plans/work schedules to accommodate me. I'm fine walking around, doing some work on a report, etc.

BUT, as it turns out, DS35 is working all day, DS31 is working until 2, DD is working until 1, and the only person who has the day off is my DDIL. I'm sure she's just jumping up and down for joy right now at the prospect of giving up a precious day off to pick up her MIL and host her, for however short a time, at her home.

I'm planning on simply accepting her offer to pick me up at the airport (which is 10 minutes from their house), maybe having a cup of coffee with her and then excusing myself and going for a walk around town until my two kids get off work. Then I can see my son's new apartment and hang out with my daughter, and then DIL and DS can join us for dinner in town.

Do you think that will be appropriate? I don't want to barge in and steal her day, but I also don't want her to think I'm not interested in her company. But I'm sure I'm more interested in her company than she is in mine, so I think I'll just try to keep as low a profile as I can.

I hate these mother-in-law from hell stories--as Robbie Burns said, all my hopes of being a cool MIL may be just an illusion.

"O wad the Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!"

[Chicken lady]

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Don't insult her house or her children and don't tell her she's fat or stupid or needs to change her hair or clothing or make different life choices.

[CathyA]

I wonder if she has Asperger syndrome.

[catherine]

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Don't insult her house or her children and don't tell her she's fat or stupid or needs to change her hair or clothing or make different life choices.

OK, I guess I'm safe.

Sorry to make your thread all about me. I feel bad that you are spending the last days of the year in such stressful circumstances.

[rosarugosa]

Catherine: Just the fact that you're concerned about your DIL's feelings says you are nothing like CL's MIL! I love my MIL and she loves me; we are good friends.

[mschrisgo2]

Chicken Lady, sounds you like you'll do fine. Just remember she'll be leaving in 3 days.

[Tradd]

I deal with people like this via sarcasm. They often don't understand the sarcasm. I will say things in a very saccharine voice. They think you're being nice when in fact you are vicious. ;)

CL, you poor thing. I would want to stick a fork in the woman!

[rodeosweetheart]

Just saying a little prayer of thanks right now for my lovely DIL.

She is a gem. I am lucky.

[freshstart]

this thread keeps bringing up memories of my MIL. She lived near Miami U in Ohio and considered that the south (?), the town really did have a southern flavor because it is so close to Indiana and Kentucky. She hated my cooking, ex and I ate lean meats, steamed veggies, rice, salads, etc. She would gag on the freshly steamed string beans and would tell me for the umpteenth time that they needed to be cooked in fat back, actually everything I cooked should be done with fat back and for Pete's sake, who eats rice? So I took her to three stores, no one knew WTH is fat back, even the old time butcher said he heard of it but certainly didn't carry it. Finally, we found lard somewhere and I suggested she get that and maybe she could show me how to cook. Her lard made me gag as much as my beans did her. However, she could cook the s*** out of fried chicken, something I had never made and never have since. She told everyone in ex's family that it was no wonder he weighed 135lbs with my cooking! I don't think there could ever be two people so different as me and MIL, well, except her son and me, lol. That's poor grammar, whatev tired brain.

[Chicken lady]

Well, the wall of my house is too thick and the rug at the bottom of the step nearly killed her and the spaghetti was too sticky, but she had seconds and she seemed to enjoy my pie from all the extra "little tastes" she had.

Now she's doing something in the guest room that sounds like vaccuuming (i vaccuumed) and then dd will be presenting a slide show of her design work in reponse to "we visited you at school when you first started and saw some of your work. have you gotten any better?"

[freshstart]

how many times a year does she fly in on her broom? Mess with me, don't you dare mess with my kids

[Williamsmith]

I know this is properly a girls only conversation but I just have to interject one thing. I loved my father-in-law like he was my own father because he treated me like I was his favorite son. He taught me patience and how to do a thousand different jobs with tools in the construction trade and he gave me the hand me down tools to do it with. He never criticized me and never expressed an opinion where it wasn't asked for. He was always available to help and I never heard a sarcastic word come from his mouth. He is gone and I sorely miss him.

okay, thank you.......you all may go back to bashing on your terrible mother-in-laws.....I'm sure it is great therapy.

[Chicken lady]

Tell you what williamsmith, I will instead praise the kind and long suffering man who thanked me for dinner and told me I made his favorite pie and praised my daughter's work and affirmed my son's career choices this evening. And is the reason we let this woman come visit.

He is now in the basement offering approval of dh design and the work thus far (mil thinks it's too bright down there. And she liked dd's screen saver - the puppy photo from the Internet).

It is in fact excellent therapy.

[Chicken lady]

And then he made a general announcement that everything is fantastic and said "come on (b) it's after ten o'clock. It's late and everybody wants to go to bed."

and she looked at the clock on our living room wall that is broken and dh said "that's broken." and she began informing him that he should fix it and how it's easy, you just go to the store and get a new clock and put it in (the face is wood inlay) and dh said "tell you what, mom, you can do that tomorrow if you get bored."

And then fil took her away to bed.

[CathyA]

I know this is properly a girls only conversation but I just have to interject one thing. I loved my father-in-law like he was my own father because he treated me like I was his favorite son. He taught me patience and how to do a thousand different jobs with tools in the construction trade and he gave me the hand me down tools to do it with. He never criticized me and never expressed an opinion where it wasn't asked for. He was always available to help and I never heard a sarcastic word come from his mouth. He is gone and I sorely miss him.

okay, thank you.......you all may go back to bashing on your terrible mother-in-laws.....I'm sure it is great therapy.

You were very fortunate WilliamSmith. Not everyone is, so maybe you should try to understand that. I had a totally wonderful MIL, but appreciate that not everyone is in the same fortunate position. Freshstart's MIL sounds like a bitch. I have a friend who has that kind of MIL....and it makes her life miserable. I'm glad that Freshstart feels she can come here and unload some of her frustration.

[rodeosweetheart]

I'm in the camp of those who had an awesome, lovely mother-in-law. I am more worried, reading this thread, that I am more like Chicken Lady's mother-in-law--I can't resist offering to fix things if I see they are broken, as I like to help and I like it when people help me. I guess it never occurs to me that my DIL might think that was criticizing her. A broken clock is a problem to be solved. CL's MIL sounds like a problem solver, and maybe she does have Aspergers! She doesn't sound like she has that empathy gene.

As to Miami Ohio, I spent the night there on route to VA last year and yeah, it is extremely Southern, not very Midwestern at all.

[Williamsmith]

You were very fortunate WilliamSmith. Not everyone is, so maybe you should try to understand that. I had a totally wonderful MIL, but appreciate that not everyone is in the same fortunate position. Freshstart's MIL sounds like a bitch. I have a friend who has that kind of MIL....and it makes her life miserable. I'm glad that Freshstart feels she can come here and unload some of her frustration.

I was being sarcastic and understanding. Don't take that as an offense. I was sitting here confirming what you said that ai am very fortunate. Now my wife, she could could tell a few stories about her mil no doubt. How about the time she told me, " If you marry her, don't think you will ever come back here and live." Or , "Where did that hundred dollar bill go, it's just you and her living there." After she sent an empty card to the house sealed and I opened it. Yep.

[Chicken lady]

The thing is - she didn't offer to fix the clock. She told dh to fix the clock. Classic.

[rodeosweetheart]

The thing is - she didn't offer to fix the clock. She told dh to fix the clock. Classic.

Yeah, nit picking is stereotypical Aspergers behavior, and it can relate to OCD, too. Just sayin'. I have a son who is the world's biggest nit-picker and I used to joke that he would grow up to be a quality control inspector. He was just born that way. He is still that way, although you can hear him stop himself when you are talking to him; at 30 he is definitely learning that these behaviors can bug others. I have to do the same thing talking to him. It gives our conservations a certain stilted quality, as we self-filter!

I am just suggesting some of this might be beyond her control. Of course, I don't know her, and these suggestions could be very unhelpful.

[CathyA]

I think I'm a nit picker. Like you said about your son, rodeosweetheart, I feel like I would make a perfect quality control inspector.......except they would probably fire me for finding too many flaws. haha And I agree, it's a type of OCD too. I always feel that I have to point things out to people.........thinking/feeling that I'm doing a good thing.

I think I'm, at least, sensitive for the most part, about how my nit-picking affects people. It's easy to think that I'm just "helping"....to point out how things are or should be.......and it's definitely taken as being too negative, especially by my DD.

Funny though......it's those same qualities that made me a good R.N. I noticed every little change.

By suggesting Freshstart's MIL might have Aspergers, I too wasn't excusing her behavior. But I think it's true that some people have brains that just don't let them have that insight into the effects of their words. I remember on "Boston Legal" they had a guy with Aspergers and it showed how unknowingly inappropriate they can be.

Freshstart......what do you think your FIL saw in her, to marry her?

[Teacher Terry]

I think having had 1 bad MIL and 2 good ones was good training for me:~). I try very hard to be like the 2 nice ones and never criticize and compliment, etc. It is easy though-I have an awesome DIL that I love very much. I just got lucky. Her parents are wonderful to my son so one big happy family.

[Chicken lady]

I don't think she has aspergers. Some of the kids I teach are spectrum kids and they are actually some of my favorite and easiest to get along with kids. Tone doesn't come across in a post and she has tone in spades.

Today I took her out for the afternoon. She tells the same stories over and over. For example, If I say "my cat caught a mouse", there are three mouse stories. If I say "in the barn" I know which one is coming. So I played a game where I tried to get her to tell specific stories. 11 for 13.

I also listened to her describe the itinerary for her upcoming trip complete with stock photos on the Internet where she said things like "wait" and "I didn't touch anything" and "no that's not what I want" to the computer and pulled up 2 or 3 ads per photo attempt. I avoided causing conflict by trying to help her by counting to ten after the first time she spoke and then seeing how high I could count each time before she spoke again. If I got to 20 I said something nice about the photo.

Dd2 thanked me for taking her out. Now fil is playing the piano - which he does beautifully, and mil is shut in her room because she doesn't like the noise and no one can hear her talk. (actual statement edited for 2nd person)

Positive note, for the first time in years she actually brought Christmas gifts for my kids! Pretty earrings for dd and a sand painted picture for ds for his apartment.

[Tammy]

I love the games you're playing with this! :D

[Williamsmith]

Chicken lady, I hope you are keeping a journal. There is definitely a good book or a play in all this material.

[freshstart]

she's comedy gold

[Chicken lady]

Oh, she is.

Last night we watched a movie. I had seen the movie before, so I told everyone to go start and I would clean up from dinner. There is an open doorway space between the kitchen and den. Fil walked into the den and asked "when did you get this chair?"(sitting down) me "we've had it for ages, I recovered it." fil "it's very comfortable!" mil "it's too hard to get out of."

Mil "I get this chair. (rocker) But not on the rug. It's too wobbly on the rug. (moves chair to open doorway to kitchen) there's a glare on the tv. Turn the lights off. (lights in room are promptly turned off.). No, it's those other lights. (turns head toward me - I am washing dishes in the kitchen, it is after dark) Can you turn those lights off?

Me "sure.". Turns off lights, opens door to garage, now washing dishes by the light that comes in from the garage door opener.

Meanwhile mil has removed her shoes. "oh! Now with my shoes off ths chair is too tall without the rug.". No one speaks. Movie continues to play....

Now she is making cookies with my younger dd. she is explaining to her why my eggs (fresh from the chicken coop) and equipment (hand mixer, measuring cups) are no good. She is also demonstrating how to use sheets of wax paper instead of extra bowls so that you don't have so much to wash (better to buy and throw awy the wax paper than wash out a bowl.). She made a great face when she found my vanilla - she uses artificial vanilla flavoring. Mine says "made with bourbon" in big letters

Also, just noticed dd keeps saying "that's nice."

[sweetana3]

Your DD has acquired a valuable skill.

[Ultralight]

I think I'd only put up with that kind of nonsense and mistreatment from the person who pays my salary.

Otherwise I'd tell them to go kick rocks. I don't care who they are.

[Teacher Terry]

Tomorrow should be a day of celebration since they leave-happy dance time:cool:. Doing dishes in the dark-I can't believe that anyone would be so self centered as to expect you to do that. She has princess and the pea syndrome.

[Ultralight]

Tomorrow should be a day of celebration since they leave-happy dance time:cool:.

Amen to this!

[Tammy]

This doesn't sound like autistic spectrum to me at all. It sounds totally like personality disorder.

[Zoe Girl]

Could go either way. I used to amuse myself with my former in-laws by diagnosing them. They were both counselors (one with a masters and the other with a Phd). They would even get mad at a waiter who brought a wine menu because of former FIL's alcoholism, sigh. I really wished I did drink back then :)

If you wrote this as a story no one would believe the character I bet.

[Chicken lady]

So she just explained to me how instead of donating things that are worn out to goodwill, she takes them on her trips and then folds them up and leaves them behind after she wears them (including underwear with holes in it) "because you know, in those countries (Israel, china, Egypt) people don't have anything. And then you have space to bring stuff home."

Yes mil, I'm sure the hotel maid is delighted with the gift of your dirty underwear. I just said "good idea.". In my birth family "good idea" is secret code for "you are psychotic."

Also, we received a surprise Christmas gift from her that i really like. Her nephew is a professional potter and has given her his work in the past. She used to have a set of his mugs we liked but she ddn't and we would use them whenever we visited. She slowly got rid of them to make room for things she liked better until there was only one left (her call, but the day we asked where the other mug - of six- was, she swore there had only ever been one.)

So he and his family drove 11 hours to visit her this past summer. When I opened the box - of four beautiful mugs, she said with great pride "you know how we had C and his family stay with us over the summer and we fed them all that food. I told him, what I'd really like was a set of mugs like the one he made for me to give you for Christmas, because you really liked it.". So she extorted mugs which he sells for a living in exchange for her hospitality during a visit his mother probably guilted him into making ("you know, aunt b hasn't seen you in years and the boys are growing up so fast..."). He even paid to ship them to her. I need to write him a thank you note.

[CathyA]

...."In my birth family "good idea" is secret code for "you are psychotic."
LOL!

Has she always been like this? If not, do you think she's developing dementia?

[Chicken lady]

I don't know if she has always been like this, I've only know her for 30 years. ;-)

Over lunch dh asked her if she gets his e-mail because he sent her photos of our family on Christmas day along with merry Christmas wishes and she didn't respond. She said "it didn't need a response. It wasn't a question.". So my game for this afternoon is to not respond to anything she says that isn't a question. This is actually really hard with some of the things she says.

Fil, ds, and dh are installing our new chimney.

[mschrisgo2]

So cool that FIL can help with the chimney installation!

If MIL leaves without someone throttling her, you win!!
Chicken Lady, you have a wonderful sense of humor!What a lifesaver.

[razz]

Sounds as though DFIL needs a huge hug of appreciation and support for his assistance during this visit. Can you find a way to support him quietly throughout the year till their next visit?

[rodeosweetheart]

What a lovely gift, the pottery!

[Chicken lady]

I keep snacks lying around everywhere for fil and fill him with baked goods. The man is healthy and fit by any measure and I think he spends half his life hungry. Meanwhile, she ate 6 pancakes drowned in syrup this morning while saying "oh, pancakes, we never have these. They're terrible for you." he had two with a little jam that she served him instead of passing the plate. Then she left the table and I said "dad, are you sure you don't want any more of these? there isn't much room in the fridge." and he said "oh, well i guess I could eat a little more." and had another three with butter and syrup.

[nswef]

You need a little halo around your head....and a brace to keep from biting through your tongue Chicken Lady. How many more days?

[freshstart]

This doesn't sound like autistic spectrum to me at all. It sounds totally like personality disorder.

like borderline personality disorder, maybe?

[rodeosweetheart]

I'm really sorry I mentioned Aspergers, as I don't know this person and have no business speculating on anyone's psychological conditions. I'm glad for your sake it's a short visit, CL, it will be so great to have your house back after the holidays!

[CathyA]

ChickenLady..........I admire your patience and fortitude with this woman. But I think she's crazy.

And I think she's probably been allowed to act this way for many, many years. I'm even thinking she was probably somewhat like this when your FIL married her. People like this are tolerated because they're so obnoxious.......which is positive reinforcement for their behavior. I wouldn't put up with it. Period. I know you're doing it for your DH, and that's exceedingly kind of you. But I would figure out a different way of meeting with your FIL without her. I know that sounds drastic. But if no one is ever going to confront her, she will never change. (and she might still never change.......but you don't have to be around her). I know it seems like a horrible life for your FIL, but he has chosen it and must have somehow accepted it.

It's just so dysfunctional. I wouldn't want my kids around her. I really encourage you to find a way that your DH can visit your FIL, without his mother. And if the only way for this to play out is to have him come to your house, then I would totally lay down the law with your MIL. If she can't say anything nice, then she's not allowed to say anything. Period.

I'm not trying to offend you. I've seen this family dynamic before, where one person is the dictator, and everyone else has to follow or there's hell to pay. It's hard to understand how anyone would get anything positive from acting the way she does, but she must get something....in her own mind.

I just hate seeing you all put up with this totally unacceptable situation.

[Tammy]

Fresh start - it smells like narcissism to me. But then borderline is quite similar, as they are both in cluster B.

[Tammy]

I would not want to have anything to do with her either. But it's tough to extricate oneself from these family connections. You've got to have everybody on the same page and then be prepared to never have contact again with those who choose to stick with her. It will separate families forever.

[corkym]

hahahaha I am loving this and at the same time feeling huge sympathy pains for you. Hilarious but mind boggling that someone can be so narcissistic. I have the same kind of mil. I may be a few pounds overweight but not obese and she would buy me things with pigs on them for every holiday and my bday. The straw that broke the pig's back was when she brought home a case of slimfast for me. She is a subtle one she is. I am serious when I say when my mil would leave to go home we literally would hear all the little Disney birds singing in the sky and the sun broke through the clouds and all of a sudden my husband and I knew how to do an Irish jig in the driveway. I hope so much your mil is back home where she belongs now and is far away from you. You deserve a good attitude trophy and a prize for making us all laugh :D

[Chicken lady]

It was really hard with my kids when they were younger, but now they are adults and have their own relationships. Dd1 came for dinner tonight and spent about 3.5 hours. She had a nice visit with her grandfather and then took her sister home with her. - they are flying to see my parents in the morning. Ds also left with his girlfriend after dinner.

She will never change. But I have changed. I don't have to be nice to her, I don't care if she likes me, i just have to manage her. - like the water in my basement. And she is much funnier than the water.


Tomorrow we have the disney birds. :-)


After breakfast. Which I can serve at either 7:30 or 8:00.

[Chicken lady]

And then she packed up all the cookies in my kitchen without asking so she can eat them on her trip home, allowed my fil one slice of ham, two pieces of bread and a clementine for his lunch, and went away. (actually, last night she said "I can just pack these cookies up and put them in the car tonight and get them out of your way." and I said "no. Leave them (dh) will eat them.")

Also, when fil was carrying stuff out dh said to her "are you sure you don't want more ham?" and she said "no. He doesn't need it. He eats constantly. It's terrible.". I couldn't reist saying "he's hungry." and she said "no. I give him plenty of food. He just wants to eat all the time.". I didn't bother to say "because he's hungry."

For over 30 years she packed him a lunch to take to work every morning "to save money" and for over 30 years he ate it at his desk to suppliment breakfast when he got to work and then bought lunch at lunch time without her knowing. We were all afraid he'd starve when he retired.

[jp1]

hahahaha I am loving this and at the same time feeling huge sympathy pains for you. Hilarious but mind boggling that someone can be so narcissistic. I have the same kind of mil. I may be a few pounds overweight but not obese and she would buy me things with pigs on them for every holiday and my bday. The straw that broke the pig's back was when she brought home a case of slimfast for me. She is a subtle one she is.

I'm fortunate to have charming in-laws and was quite upset when FIL passed away almost two years ago so it's been interesting to read all the horror stories in this thread. But your story. All I can say is wow. Just wow. I can't imagine behaving in such a cruel way towards someone like that.

[Float On]

This thread has been very entertaining. I'm almost sad to see the posts end with her leaving.

[Chicken lady]

She'll be back in May for my son's graduation.

While she is here for that I am going to ask her if she would like us to find her a campground reservation for the Winnebago or put her up in a hotel for dd's wedding in August, or if she'd prefer to make her own reservation. If she says they'll just stay here, I am going to say "no, you will not. That is not an option.".

And corkym, I am very sorry. I apologize for being too caught up in my own situation to share my response to yours.

[herbgeek]

After all these stories, the fact that my MIL completely ignores my existence even after I've been married to her son for > 30 years doesn't seem so bad at all. Its not me specifically, she ignores EVERYONE who isn't blood family. I can be in the room with her, and she'll only speak to my husband. Luckily I only visit once a year, for my husband's sake. He visits routinely on his own with her.

[CathyA]

hahahaha I am loving this and at the same time feeling huge sympathy pains for you. Hilarious but mind boggling that someone can be so narcissistic. I have the same kind of mil. I may be a few pounds overweight but not obese and she would buy me things with pigs on them for every holiday and my bday. The straw that broke the pig's back was when she brought home a case of slimfast for me. She is a subtle one she is. I am serious when I say when my mil would leave to go home we literally would hear all the little Disney birds singing in the sky and the sun broke through the clouds and all of a sudden my husband and I knew how to do an Irish jig in the driveway. I hope so much your mil is back home where she belongs now and is far away from you. You deserve a good attitude trophy and a prize for making us all laugh :D

That is totally awful and unacceptable corkym! I'm so sorry that you don't have a better MIL. I wouldn't let her into my house..........

[CathyA]

It seems to me that the men who are married to women like this, just put up with it. ....You know......like opposites attract.
But........that being said, are you ever concerned with your MIL abusing your FIL? She obviously abuses him psychologically, but have you ever suspected any other kind of abuse?
Does he have medical issues or is he morbidly obese, that she would feel it necessary to not feed him when he's hungry and to lord over his intake??
This is all very disturbing........

[kib]

Wanted to thank everyone for this thread! It's been amusing / bonding, Chicken Lady I salute you and congratulations on surviving this, but it's also reminded me that my own MIL, while sometimes a challenge to me, is nowhere near this level of awful, she's actually a very decent person with a few irritating personality traits. Thanks also to the MILs here putting in their own two cents about behavior that we the SILs and DILs might otherwise not understand. Now, go dance in the driveway everyone, Christmas is over!

[Chicken lady]

I don't generally try to get in the middle of other people's relationships, because you never really know what goes on when you aren't there. And fil has activities outside the house several times a week and runs most of the errands, so he can easily feed himself without fighting with her. He's fit and healthy and much larger, stronger and more agile than she, so while I understand that doesn't mean there can't be physical abuse, it's not an area I feel a need to go poking into.

I've seen pictures of her when they were dating and she was beautiful. I sometimes wonder if he was just dazzled or if she got him in some kind of compromising situation and he felt he had to do the right thing. He's definitely a man of honor and my theory is that he promised god he would love honor and cherish ths woman and I think he will die trying.


She did starve my dh, which is something I will never forgive her for. He remembers always being hungry and in pictures of him at 14 he's a foot shorter than his friends and you can see both bones in his arms clearly. He was still extremely thin when i first met him a year out of her house. He had gained 20 pounds that year, eating as much as he could afford. His driver's license said 85 lbs. All the men in his family are at least two inches taller than he is, including ds. His sister is obese and has major food issues. The two of them fed his little brother. (6 and 3 year age gaps)



Mil once scolded me for nursing my firstborn too often, saying "every fat cell she makes now she'll have for the rest of her life!" and I said "well, if she makes it to five feet she's going to be pretty darn thin."

[catherine]

I agree--it's been kind of fun to share Chicken Lady's New Year's with her MIL..

My NJ DIL once said to me, "at least you're not a MIL from hell." Reminds of all the Henny Youngman jokes ("Take my mother-in-law... Please!") A bit of a back-handed compliment, but I'll take it.

I had a very interesting relationship with my MIL. You couldn't get two people more dissimilar but the wonderful thing was that we truly admired what each other had that we lacked. She was a super housekeeper; I could barely keep my head above the dust. She left school at 14 to work in her small town in Scotland; I was college-educated. She would suffer NO fools and spoke her mind unabashedly; I'm more cowardly...er, diplomatic. She had a terrific work ethic, loved her family, was funny, well-groomed, and very frugal. I really miss her.

thanks for sharing your adventures, Chicken Lady.

[iris lilies]

It seems to me that the men who are married to women like this, just put up with it. ....You know......like opposites attract.
But........that being said, are you ever concerned with your MIL abusing your FIL? She obviously abuses him psychologically, but have you ever suspected any other kind of abuse?
Does he have medical issues or is he morbidly obese, that she would feel it necessary to not feed him when he's hungry and to lord over his intake??
This is all very disturbing........


I like to to think that women like this do not work out there in the real world, that their petty dictatorships take place only in their own homes. but that's not really the case.

They tend to have long held low end jobs with weak supervisors, and the bossy-crazy women run the show. I've seen it in city clerks in tiny municipalities, front office heads in small companies or privately held companies where she's a long term friend of the family, and any situation where supervisors are absent and customer service isn't valued.