View Full Version : Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now
Hi everyone! I haven't posted for a few months because I haven't had much to contribute, but I have stopped by every once in awhile to read up on what everyone else is up to.
So, I've had quite an upheaval in my life lately. My husband decided to leave me during the holidays with no discussion at all, and without packing his stuff or anything. Every few days, he shows up to pack a few clothes and that's it. I'm not really sure where he's staying or what he's doing, but I am sure that he lost his job a few weeks ago because I started opening his mail and found his final paycheck stub (zero dollars after deductions and garnishments). The lack of communication is nothing new. It was one of the main things that strained our marriage. That, and his drinking problem. I'm sad about the whole situation, but it was a long time coming. I'm actually feeling relieved that I don't have to deal with his drama on a daily basis anymore.
But I'm left to worry about several things:
My son will be moving into a residence hall on his university campus. We can't afford to stay in this duplex on my paycheck, but I will need to find an apartment big enough to accommodate him when he's home for summer break.
I'll need to pay the rent here until my lease is up in August, and still have money to pay a deposit on an apartment in the summer.
I'll have to find a higher-paying job. Or any job really, because the seasonal job I'm working at now ends January 22.
I'm worried about having the strength to move both my son's stuff and my own stuff (with my son's help) when the time comes. We live far away from family and I don't know anybody around here well enough to ask them to help.
I have a ton of cleaning and decluttering to do in the next few months, while working full-time. A lot of items are suitable for selling rather than giving away, but that's a big hassle in itself.
At some point, filing for divorce. I can't afford that yet.
And anything I haven't thought of yet.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, some advice would be appreciated!
Stacy
I am so sorry you are going through this, that's very tough. I just got off work and am very tired and scattered, so I don't have any advice to offer right at the moment but I wanted to let you know I read your post and hope others can chime in with help and moral support. Hang in there and hopefully things will unfold in some sort of fashion so you can get done what needs to be done. Bless you and take care of yourself during this difficult time, okay?
Stacy I'm sorry you're having this trouble. Hugs to you.
rodeosweetheart
1-3-16, 4:16pm
Stacy, like Siouz, I just want to say I hear you and am here for you, and I probably need to mull over the situation and see what occurs to me.
One thought it I would try to put aside worry about the future and moving your son's stuff; if he is in college he can come home and help, and maybe has high school friends who can help. I know my kids were a lot stronger than I was by that point!
Some of the recovery groups like Al Anon, and there is an online version, with chat rooms, can be good places to hang when you want both support and ideas from folks who have lived through similar.
Please take good care, and hang in, as getting rid of a drinking, non-recovering alcoholic is hard to do,and a blessing if they just leave, although it does not feel like that now, I'm sure.
Oh but you do have to deal with his daily drama. As soon as you wrap your mind around that the better off you are going to be. I know you aren't flush but the first thing you need to do is get an attorney. You have no idea what shape your finances are really in. Check you bank balances ASAP. Take if from somebody who learned the hard way back in marriage number #1. Just because he isn't working doesn't mean he isn't spending and accruing debt that will have your name attached to it.
I figure it never hurts to ask, the worse anybody can say is no. Ask your current property manager if there is any way you can get out of your current lease. Even if there is a penalty it might be cheaper than paying rent until August.
Anything that you have in your place right now that is of value and important to you, do not leave it where it can be taken and sold. Do not be complacent in this. I know you are in shock. He has had a lot of time to think about this and you have not. You must protect yourself.
One thought it I would try to put aside worry about the future and moving your son's stuff; if he is in college he can come home and help, and maybe has high school friends who can help. I know my kids were a lot stronger than I was by that point!
Some of the recovery groups like Al Anon, and there is an online version, with chat rooms, can be good places to hang when you want both support and ideas from folks who have lived through similar.
Please take good care, and hang in, as getting rid of a drinking, non-recovering alcoholic is hard to do,and a blessing if they just leave, although it does not feel like that now, I'm sure.
I'm trying to convince my son to only move the essentials into the dorm. He's got a huge gaming computer and game systems (all paid for with his money), and a few bookcases full of books, but he doesn't need to bring it all. He can come home to visit his games at any time. During the time that I move, I can recruit my brother and his teenage kids to help. It will be a lot of work, but we can do it. I just know that I'm not in any kind of shape to move heavy things up and down stairs.
I agree that finding a group would be a good idea. I've gotten pretty isolated.
Hugs along with the wise advice others have already given.
Oh but you do have to deal with his daily drama. As soon as you wrap your mind around that the better off you are going to be. I know you aren't flush but the first thing you need to do is get an attorney. You have no idea what shape your finances are really in. Check you bank balances ASAP. Take if from somebody who learned the hard way back in marriage number #1. Just because he isn't working doesn't mean he isn't spending and accruing debt that will have your name attached to it.
I figure it never hurts to ask, the worse anybody can say is no. Ask your current property manager if there is any way you can get out of your current lease. Even if there is a penalty it might be cheaper than paying rent until August.
Anything that you have in your place right now that is of value and important to you, do not leave it where it can be taken and sold. Do not be complacent in this. I know you are in shock. He has had a lot of time to think about this and you have not. You must protect yourself.
I mean that I'm glad that I don't have to see him every day. It's like a breath of fresh air. I do need to take care of some things. Changing my bank account number would be a good idea, because he probably has that information on his online accounts. I was the one in charge of make sure the bills were paid, after all.
Good point on asking my property manager if I can get out of the lease early. Even a couple of months would help. I am going to stick around for a few months, anyway, because this is a college town, and loads of apartments become available in June. I'd have my pick of affordable housing, instead of the sparse offerings that are available now.
I actually wish my husband would take most of the stuff here, because I've been wanting to be free of this clutter anyway. There are things that obviously belong to myself or my son, and those are the things I want to protect, but he can have the rest. I don't think he wants it either, though. So I'm going to have to deal with selling/giving away things.
Thanks for the help you've given so far, everyone.
rodeosweetheart
1-3-16, 5:13pm
If you have not done so already, make sure to open a bank account in your name only at a different bank and deposit at least half of the money in your joint account into the separate account.
If you have direct deposit, make sure that you change it so that your paycheck is deposited in the account with your name only.
I would get copies of all the tax returns for past several years. I would close out joint bank accounts. I would close any joint credit card accounts.
Personally, I would go to an attorney and file for a divorce on grounds of desertion.
I would also be aware that he might sober up and try to come back "home," and I would not let him do that. Those are just what I would do, thinking back to my first marriage and my divorce.
If you have not done so already, make sure to open a bank account in your name only at a different bank and deposit at least half of the money in your joint account into the separate account.
If you have direct deposit, make sure that you change it so that your paycheck is deposited in the account with your name only.
I would get copies of all the tax returns for past several years. I would close out joint bank accounts. I would close any joint credit card accounts.
Personally, I would go to an attorney and file for a divorce on grounds of desertion.
I would also be aware that he might sober up and try to come back "home," and I would not let him do that. Those are just what I would do, thinking back to my first marriage and my divorce.
We haven't had joint accounts in years, because he would always overspend and I would be unable to pay the bills. So he started to get his paycheck direct deposited into my account, and I would pay the bills and give him some cash for the week. And yes, I knew that it was a very unhealthy relationship where I was acting like the parent, but at least the bills would get paid.
You're right, I need to get an attorney and file for divorce ASAP. Maybe I can find one that will let me make payments.
He's been coming home every few days and either sleeping on the couch or taking a shower and then leaving, and it fills me with anxiety every time. I've got to put a stop to that behavior. He's got to just pack his things and be gone.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this, Stacy. Even though very good things may come out of it eventually--like a chance at a happier life for you--I know firsthand how painful, confusing and frightening divorce can be, especially in the early days. I send you my warmest thoughts.
Chicken lady
1-3-16, 5:37pm
You need to find our what the joint property laws are in Wisconsin. Some states will give him the right to half of your assets and hold you responsible for his debt even if you have everything seperate. If you are the name on the lease and the state does not have joint property laws - spend the money to change the locks or take his keys and be done.
I'm sorry things worked out this way for you, Stacy...
I have not been in a similar situation, but I have been divorced and it was less than amicable.
First thing I would do is to ask your landlord if he would change the locks on your apartment. Is the lease in both of your names? It may be tougher to do this if H's (he's not DH at the moment) name is on the lease. But given the situation, you should not have your and your son and your belongings available any time H chooses to show up. Doubly so given his stress level (lost job, drinking, etc.).
Second thing would be to get a lawyer. If nothing else, Legal Aid might get you some representation and legal advice on debts, etc., either for free or at a rate you can afford. Call 211 United Way if you need to.
I would call all your lenders and explain the situation as objectively as you can -- including the loss of your seasonal job. This is much better on your credit rating than running late a couple of months in the hopes that things will magically resolve themselves, and you may be able to get a break on things like payments or interest rates so you don't end up on a real debt treadmill. All this assumes H will be of no help at all (can't get blood from a turnip). Again, legal advice can tell you about protections against things like H choosing to clean out joint savings accounts, incurring debts for himself, etc. And be careful about moving all the accounts to your own name without H. Some states have rules about how that can be done.
Get rid of non-essential expenses, even if it's only until you land another job. Maybe start decluttering the place by boxing up H's stuff and leaving them someplace he can pick them up outside of your apartment.
I, too, would not worry about filing divorce or moving your son or anything beyond the next couple of months. Plenty will happen before then and you've got bigger fires to fight right now.
rodeosweetheart
1-3-16, 5:38pm
I guess Chicken Lady has a good point--apparently Wisconsin is a community property state, like Texas.
Definitely get to a lawyer, and hang in there.
Teacher Terry
1-3-16, 5:41pm
I lived in Wis for a long time and it is a community property state. I would tell him to come get all his stuff at once and then change the locks. The reason you need to file for divorce or at least a legal separation is that you will be responsible for any debt he racks up until that is done. With him not being employed and depending on the length of the marriage you could also have to pay alimony. However, with your job ending soon this would be a good time to file since I assume he will get unemployment so he will have something coming in. A decent lawyer will really be able to tell you what is best for you and your son. Hugs:))
Chicken lady - Wisconsin is a joint property state. I'm pretty sure that I'll be cleaning up his debts for him. Not for the first time.
Teacher Terry
1-3-16, 5:55pm
You will get stuck with half but not all of them.
I lived in Wis for a long time and it is a community property state. I would tell him to come get all his stuff at once and then change the locks. The reason you need to file for divorce or at least a legal separation is that you will be responsible for any debt he racks up until that is done. With him not being employed and depending on the length of the marriage you could also have to pay alimony. However, with your job ending soon this would be a good time to file since I assume he will get unemployment so he will have something coming in. A decent lawyer will really be able to tell you what is best for you and your son. Hugs:))
Thanks, Teacher Terry. This is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not sure if I can legally change the locks, though, because I don't own the house and I don't feel threatened physically by him. But the rest, that's definitely what I'm going to do.
Teacher Terry
1-3-16, 6:02pm
I know this is a rough time but in the long run I bet you will be better off. Living with all that drama is tough.
have been through this and learned some stuff the hard way. Most important is to get copies of anything related to finances, change the locks- he left, you probably have some rights to do this, he should not be allowed to stroll back in anytime he wants and certainly should not be sleeping there. If he does, make sure you lock up those marital financial documents (also sure to get his latest retirement statements copied, that may be your biggest asset if you do not own a home and you are entitled to your fair share, this is figured out in a court document called a QADRO. If he starts talking about you taking something in lieu of going through the QADRO, just don't) where he can't get them. If you can't lock him out, put a lock on your bedroom door or office. Get him off your credit cards, get yourself off his, which usually means you both have to get new ones.
Get a lawyer before doing anything else and do exactly what they say even if you think you don't need to do something because "he would NEVER do xyz," because that changes real quick once talk of money gets throw around. You don't have to bear the expense of filing for divorce, let him file, unless your lawyer says differently, depends on the state if you need grounds. Do not engage in conversations about the divorce, if he seems to be acting amicably and is trying to talk you into some scenario that may seem fair, DON'T, tell him to talk to your attorney.
Check with your lawyer about going back to work when your job ends, I was working half time, he would've had to pay alimony because we were doing that to avoid day care costs. I did not listen to my lawyer, I did not want a penny of alimony and I easily slipped back into full time at my job. But I left money on the table and my lawyer did not agree with my choice. Who knows if he's working again, he may well be and he will probably owe alimony if the difference between your salaries was large.
Divorce is scary and hard but you will come out the other side all the better for it, especially if there was a lot of marital drama. But the first steps are important, you can be fairly sure that he's already got a lawyer if he already bailed. Be tough, stay strong and I am sorry you are going through this. It helped me to read books about divorce in my state. Also, you don't have to pay for the best lawyer in town, your divorce sounds straight forward if your son is close to 18, just go to the free consultation with a few and pick the one you gel with best. My ex got a pit bull lawyer, his share of the divorce cost 30k, I had a great lawyer, she won nearly every point (because my ex was ridiculous) and I paid 10k, part of which he had to pay. I've had her since 2002 because my jackass likes to keep me in court as much as he can, so make sure you do like and trust whomever you pick. Try not to worry too much until you see a lawyer, there was so much I did not know and just from the interview with her, I felt stronger and ready to protect myself and the interests of my children. I was so naive I was not sure I could afford to raise my kids and be divorced so until I got my lawyer, I was falling for the "just let me sleep on the couch" and "we can work this out" nonsense that was unnecessarily stressful (and meanwhile he had that pit bull lawyer the whole time). The best advice I received? Do not talk to him, get the financial papers in order and change my locks.
Hi Stacy,
So sorry you are going through this, but as others have said, but I suspect when you come out on the other side of it (which probably seems hard to imagine at this point), you will be much happier.
I would also recommend Al-Anon, and I would recommend you go to 6-8 (different, if possible) meetings before giving up on it. I hated it when I first started going, but eventually, it totally changed by life for the better. And I know many people who say Al-Anon really helped them through a divorce. You will find a lot of empathy and support there.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We are rooting for you.
I was in the same situation in 1982, but it was with a lesbian relationship so we didn't have laws involved. But it was harrowing. I didn't talk as openly with people as you are (I wasn't saying to people "she's an active alcoholic"--though some of them knew that from her abuse toward them, but I was protecting her, right?) I do know from that experience that the "can't get blood from a turnip" is true in the hardest way.
I think the advice and support you're getting here are invaluable and that Al-Anon is worth a try. I also know your psychic energy may be low now for a while, so getting all the help you can, as you are doing and as people here advise to do further, is fantastic. I think with all that intelligent support you have a chance to recover from this more fully than I ever have. Nobody should have to go through this.
I know you said you're doing seasonal work and your job will end on January 22, but see if your employer has an employee assistance program (EAP). You could get advice from them about attorneys, other housing, etc.
I'm sorry things worked out this way for you, Stacy...
I have not been in a similar situation, but I have been divorced and it was less than amicable.
First thing I would do is to ask your landlord if he would change the locks on your apartment. Is the lease in both of your names? It may be tougher to do this if H's (he's not DH at the moment) name is on the lease. But given the situation, you should not have your and your son and your belongings available any time H chooses to show up. Doubly so given his stress level (lost job, drinking, etc.).
Second thing would be to get a lawyer. If nothing else, Legal Aid might get you some representation and legal advice on debts, etc., either for free or at a rate you can afford. Call 211 United Way if you need to.
I would call all your lenders and explain the situation as objectively as you can -- including the loss of your seasonal job. This is much better on your credit rating than running late a couple of months in the hopes that things will magically resolve themselves, and you may be able to get a break on things like payments or interest rates so you don't end up on a real debt treadmill. All this assumes H will be of no help at all (can't get blood from a turnip). Again, legal advice can tell you about protections against things like H choosing to clean out joint savings accounts, incurring debts for himself, etc. And be careful about moving all the accounts to your own name without H. Some states have rules about how that can be done.
Get rid of non-essential expenses, even if it's only until you land another job. Maybe start decluttering the place by boxing up H's stuff and leaving them someplace he can pick them up outside of your apartment.
I, too, would not worry about filing divorce or moving your son or anything beyond the next couple of months. Plenty will happen before then and you've got bigger fires to fight right now.
GREAT advice!
Also get the locks on your car changed (doors, starter). He could take the car. He could drive it when he is drunk and kill someone.
It must have been a long, grueling, and horrible marriage...
Sorry this is happening. But in the long game, you might end up better off.
a little overwhelmed, this is a lot and any level of overwhelm is okay ya know.
Lots of good advice, and more of us are reading and thinking supportive thoughts.
awakenedsoul
1-4-16, 6:01pm
I'm sorry you're going through this. You've gotten a lot of good advice. One step at a time...
Free legal advice in WI:
http://www.legalaction.org
:( So sorry to hear about this, Stacy. Hope you're bearing up ok today, and being especially nice to yourself. You deserve it!
Stacy, I'm just now reading this and everyone has given you great advice so far. I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to say I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time. It sucks, but as others have said, I think brighter skies are ahead. Keep your chin up!
rodeosweetheart
1-5-16, 11:36am
Stacy, hope you are feeling a little better--one thing you might want to do is keep a journal of your interactions with him and his comings and goings, as you might find it handy later when you are conferring with your attorney.
I had to get a protective order against my first husband for stalking, and the journal of incidents helped.
and keep every email, create a paper trail, you never know when it might be helpful down the road
Thanks for the link! I'll look through it when I get a chance.
Free legal advice in WI:
http://www.legalaction.org
Thanks for the kind words and great advice, everyone! Sorry for not being able to respond to everyone. This has been a hectic week, between working, looking for jobs, and figuring out how the pay the bills in the meantime. And now my cat's sick, the poor thing.
As soon as I get my son settled in his university residence hall room, I'm going to be looking for another place to live. Get a fresh start in a new apartment that my husband won't think of as home. He's welcome to take over the rent here. One thing I didn't mention: The owner of the house and my husband have gotten to be friends, so I would always feel awkward staying here anyway.
I've been gradually packing my non-essential items and packing them in a storage unit that he doesn't know about. I'm only planning to leave behind the things I don't care about. Of course, I'll be taking the cat.
I have a long to-do list written out of things to take care of, and I've added to the list with some of your suggestions.:thankyou:
iris lilies
1-7-16, 7:30pm
Beware of what strategies and info you post on the Internet. Depending on how computer savvy he is, he could come here and read.
He could, but I'd be surprised if he knew this forum even existed.
Williamsmith
1-7-16, 8:34pm
What happens if both of you decide to move out and neither of you pay the rent?
still thinking about you and hoping for the best. I do have an idea about moving heavy stuff.
See if you can have your son's friends help out. Or start asking other single or elderly women who live alone.
They usually have a trusted handyman who would know how to get some help.
What happens if both of you decide to move out and neither of you pay the rent?
I've actually been thinking about that lately. When my husband signed the renewal for the lease, I asked the property owner if I should sign, too. He said it wasn't necessary, so I didn't. I might be able to remind him of that. After all, this happened without my input, and I just happened to be outside when he was signing it on the tailgate of the owner's truck! There's an option on the lease to switch to a month-to-month rental after the first year, instead of renewing the lease. What if I had wanted to do that?
I feel like I've been handed a responsibility that I didn't agree to.
still thinking about you and hoping for the best. I do have an idea about moving heavy stuff.
See if you can have your son's friends help out. Or start asking other single or elderly women who live alone.
They usually have a trusted handyman who would know how to get some help.
I'll look into that. I've just recently started people what's been going on, and someone might know somebody who could help.
Williamsmith
1-8-16, 9:23pm
I've actually been thinking about that lately. When my husband signed the renewal for the lease, I asked the property owner if I should sign, too. He said it wasn't necessary, so I didn't. I might be able to remind him of that. After all, this happened without my input, and I just happened to be outside when he was signing it on the tailgate of the owner's truck! There's an option on the lease to switch to a month-to-month rental after the first year, instead of renewing the lease. What if I had wanted to do that?
I feel like I've been handed a responsibility that I didn't agree to.
Id definitely find out my status and financial obligation before I signed another lease on another place. Another good question for an attorney. Not having signed the lease appears to be a plus to me but don't forget if the landlord wants to choose sides, he could be a nuisance to you. At the least you need to pick the best divorce and family attorney available and work out payment plans. Get a consultation as soon as possible.
You could rent a storage facility to temporarily stash items you don't want to disappear in the meantime, if you get my drift.
Are you in a community property state? If so, you are probably legally liable for the lease even though you didn't sign it. (and you live there, i.e. you personally benefited from it)
Would it rent quickly? If so, it's not much of an issue, because they can only recoup "vacant" time, i.e. they cannot legally collect rent from you on an old lease, AND simultaneously lease/rent it to someone else.
Having been though a divorce myself, and watched what happened to the "stuff" over time, I'd like to suggest that you ask your son if there are things he would like to have at some future time. Because the reality is that the ex will dump most everything when he moves the second time, if not the first.
My daughter was very young when we divorced, but there were a few small things I put away for her- a music box, a couple of pieces of art, cards/letters from "daddy's grandma" - things that she resonated with as a small child. (I put them away so they wouldn't be taken in spite, and because for a while I couldn't look at them.) She has them now as an adult and they are precious to her, because they are things she grew up with. It has been part of how I provided "roots" for her.
This may not be so important because your son is older, but older also means he is closer to having his own family, and there may be a thing or two that he would like to have.
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