View Full Version : the longest chapter of my life is closed
I was folding laundry next to the two cardboard boxes a colleague had packed for me back in June. I had been walking by these boxes since, dreading opening them, fearful I would be really sad over the end of a 22 yrs 360 day run as a nurse for one company. To know I will not practice again truly breaks my heart. But I was sick of tripping over those boxes. I unloaded all the stuff I used at work like paper plates, plastic silverware, pics of my kids, drawings my kids did, that kind of stuff, easy peasy. But then the box with my evaluations, extra credentials, programs I developed, special thank you notes from families, all of the printed resources I use to do my job- that was overwhelming. In the end I got it down to 2 manila folders. 2 manila folders after 23 yrs. I started to keep all the books and articles I had collected on all kinds of hospice stuff. Instead, into the garbage. If I ever work as a nurse again, that stuff will be very outdated. Very sad but very glad that chore is DONE. I closed that chapter of my life and I realize it is one of the longest of my life; longer than my marriage, longer than I have been a parent. There I was fresh-faced at 22, ready for anything. And boy, did I see everything. I wouldn't trade even the worse times for anything in the world. I laid my last resume from 2004 and a few letters of recommendation I got when I thought I might be able to come back and do a different job at the top of the folder, closed the drawer and I don't need to look in there for a long time.
Oh that is painful even to read about. It is hard to retire by choice and move on but your decision was driven by the necessity of poor health.
All I can offer is hugs.
Nothing can take away the thousands of families you helped and healed, physically and emotionally. You served your calling well.
Thank you for your service, and I hope that there can be some peace in this.
thank you, all. I'm not quite at total peace but I am headed in the right direction. I have to change my mindset from "you'll never help again," to "you helped a lot, and you will help someday in another way."
I had to stop reading the thank you notes from families, they were describing how I helped but my once perfect memory remembered not one of the cases. That is so unlike the old me. Oh well, they were happy with whatever I did so that's all that matters.
Teacher Terry
2-2-16, 7:44pm
So awesome that the families really appreciated the work you did. I bet you were a great nurse. There is real grief in having to retire-it is a death. Hugs:))
It is a little like a death. My primary would tell me point blank I was not going back to hospice or nursing and I refused to really hear that for 9 mos, I kept believing 1 more month and I'll go back. When it finally hit me that last time she practically yelled at me to apply for SSDI, I burst into tears. She was so great, sarcastic, which is what I needed. Then for a long time after that, if someone brought it up I would get weepy and I am so not a crier. I felt like my identity was gone. I'm still sad but not heartbroken anymore
I'm calling it early retirement because I cannot stand being disabled, even in my head, lol. Once I get SSDI (if I get it) or the last few pieces of medical stuff gets figured out, no more using the word disabled.
Agree with other posters here, freshstart, take pride in your career, and give yourself time to mourn its end. Good idea to consider it early retirement because that's really what it is.
Also hoping you get the SSDI soon.
I so understand how you feel. Even though I went by choice and wouldn't change leaving at 55, it was a HUGE part of my identity. It was 3 1/2 years ago and I still think about it in some way almost every day. I loved being "in the know" all the time. I often miss the adrenaline rush of the crazy antics on night shift when the cellar dwellers come out to play.
That job was your youth and ideals. Fear not! You still have a lot of mileage, just in a different direction. God bless you for all you have done for others.
you all are so kind, thank you
freshstart, I was just reading your very wise and compassionate comments to TeacherTerry and others on the thread about Alzheimer's. There is no danger that you will never help again -- i suspect you've never stopped helping. Let me add to the chorus of respect for the work you've done, and the wisdom you still bring to difficult situations.
freshstart
2-3-16, 12:36pm
thank you, I feel like you guys understand and that helps.
I dreamed about work so realistically last night, I woke up ready to hop in the shower and go but there was a pit in my stomach because I knew I could not do the work or even the driving, so what was I going to do? I could not remember who my patients for the day were, I couldn't remember what was wrong with them. Almost panic. And then woke all the way up and remembered. A relief in a way because as much as I miss my job, I would never want to do it very poorly like I would if I tried now.
Williamsmith
2-3-16, 1:05pm
Freshstart, I know you realize lots of folks on here have tremendous respect for you and I want to join that chorus. You know it, but reading it makes a difference doesn't it?
You facilitated lots of healing in the face of suffering over the course of your career by the things you did and by the way you cared. You have not lost a ministry, you have just exchanged the tools you use to provide healing. It is no mere coincidence that you belong to this forum and your words here are not mere words......they are part of your work.
I too, had a few boxes. My retirement came early but it was needful. At 51 I had accomplished much in my career but I was in need of an oil and filter change. I needed to be removed from the violence. I purged old accident investigations, death investigations and I threw away some memorabilia that just brought back disappointment. I did keep a few things that I thought my kids might want in the future but past that It was necessary to get rid of my old self in order to discover my new self or as it turned out rediscover my core beliefs again.
As you know more than us, suffering sometimes is like purification. I wish you the best in your rediscovering and your writing the next chapter of your life.
I still think you should consider writing as your second career. You have a certain way with words, and many stories within you.
early morning
2-3-16, 2:23pm
As someone who has been in and out of a fair number of hospitals/hospice/long term custodial care with loved ones, I can honestly say that those who give care make a huge impact on their patients and families. I don't care if NONE of them remember me or my family members - that does nothing to negate the wonderful care and support we have been privileged to receive. There's really nothing I can say that someone else hasn't already said better, but THANK YOU, freshstart, for all you did, and continue to do in a different capacity, to support your fellow human beings.
you are all too kind and you made me cry! thank you, this stuff is hard for me to explain in person so I don't talk about it a lot so your kind words are really helpful.
JaneV2.0- I always wanted to be an English major, maybe it's not too late! well, memory wise it's probably too late. But it's never too late to write even if you only remember that day, right?
you are all too kind and you made me cry! thank you, this stuff is hard for me to explain in person so I don't talk about it a lot so your kind words are really helpful.
JaneV2.0- I always wanted to be an English major, maybe it's not too late! well, memory wise it's probably too late. But it's never too late to write even if you only remember that day, right?
I was (among other things) an English major. You didn't miss much >8). You've shown that you can remember--and vividly. Write what you remember down, and keep writing!
it's so weird, I do remember certain things vividly, but at 10 pm I have to find someone to make sure I ate today. It makes no sense. Huge gaps in the past but other memories are as if I am right there again. The brain is a mystery.
awakenedsoul
2-4-16, 9:52pm
You are still helping many people, right here. I understand how you feel. It's difficult to be forced into retirement. You can make a big difference just by your presence and energy. I always enjoy your posts. You have brought a lot of light and kindness to this forum.
that is so nice of you, thanks
Gardenarian
2-5-16, 3:22pm
Congratulations on your retirement! I can completely empathize with your feelings of loss (that's why I ended up starting a new job 2 weeks after my official retirement.) I'm glad you feel you are headed in the right direction. It takes a lot of guts to make that move.
I'm still stuck - I don't feel I'm working for the right reasons, and I admire your courage.
I hear you, freshstart. One of the hardest moments for me was several years ago when I didn't renew my
RN license. I physically couldn't do it anymore and knew I never would so why spend the money. my best friend was still working(in nursing) and she was 12 years older than I. It was a hard moment.
I moved, got to know a 1/2 dozen other retired RN's and we meet every couple of weeks for coffee and share war stories. That helps.
freshstart
2-5-16, 10:29pm
Congratulations on your retirement! I can completely empathize with your feelings of loss (that's why I ended up starting a new job 2 weeks after my official retirement.) I'm glad you feel you are headed in the right direction. It takes a lot of guts to make that move.
I'm still stuck - I don't feel I'm working for the right reasons, and I admire your courage.
It really wasn't courage, my body made the decision for me. It takes more courage to retire and then go back to work and trying to find the right fit. I hope you find it.
freshstart
2-5-16, 10:32pm
I hear you, freshstart. One of the hardest moments for me was several years ago when I didn't renew my
RN license. I physically couldn't do it anymore and knew I never would so why spend the money. my best friend was still working(in nursing) and she was 12 years older than I. It was a hard moment.
I moved, got to know a 1/2 dozen other retired RN's and we meet every couple of weeks for coffee and share war stories. That helps.
I think I expire in March, I think I am going to renew one more time even though it's $250 and I have to pay to take the Infectious Disease course again. Just in case I do get better because if you don't renew, I assume you have to take the boards again. Yeah, PASS, not doing that, a monkey would score better than me, lol. I'm just not quite ready to give up that last piece.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.