kids, frustration,

[Zoe Girl]

First of all my middle kiddo is doing great! She is the one who went to rehab last May on her own! She is working and likes her job. I have her cat at my place and this summer her boyfriend and she are looking for a new place to live so they can have their cat. However the place in the meantime has been very good. It is a basement apartment with a family, don;t have their own kitchen and the little girls who are 5 & 7 really spend time with them. Cute but going to be time to move at some point. And my son and his girlfriend are easy to live with, our issue is where the shoes are left when you come into the apartment. For 18 year olds, really good.

Meanwhile the relationship between E, my oldest and T my son has fallen apart. They used to spend a lot of time together and now we are having snake custody issues. I won't let T have a snake at my place but his girlfriend got one, it is at sisters, etc. But in this blow-out I have learned more about the drug use at E's house. She got really unhealthy skinny for awhile and it was drugs. We don't tend to talk about weight but it was shocking and we all told her so, she has been looking better for about 6 months. Her boyfriend is dealing harder stuff as well. My son's girlfriend let it slip out but it makes a lot of sense of things.

She is 25, lots of sadness really. She has chosen to be around guys like this for 10 years now, has a good job and a chance to get on her feet on her own, but unless she wants to change her relationships it is not likely going to change. I got her in counseling when she was still under age but she has been refusing counseling or ADD meds since she was 19 (even after the baby and shooting). I don't know if her addiction to the men is worse or the drug use that I have known was happening for just as long (but have not really dealt with to be honest)

Thanks for listening, I don't want to tell family members or anyone but my one friend who has a similar issue.

[lhamo]

Sorry you are having to deal with this, ZG. If you haven't read it already, you might find the book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate interesting/helpful. The author is a doctor who worked for several years in the first rehab center in Vancouver that provided a safe place for people to shoot up. The book is not easy to read, but provides a good balance between the stories of the patients he worked with (mostly very sad/tragic), an overview of recent science of addiction, and his own struggles with compulsion/addiction (expressed mostly through career striving/perfectionism and compulsive shopping (he had a classical CD problem).

And Frontline has a two hour special coming out this week about heroin addiction.

I have appreciated how more of the public discussion of these challenging issues has been shifting to treatment/support, rather than punishment. I think the more that is learned about how addiction is rooted in brain chemistry and neural pathways, the more sane and hopefully compassionate our treatment models will become.

[freshstart]

I have appreciated how more of the public discussion of these challenging issues has been shifting to treatment/support, rather than punishment. I think the more that is learned about how addiction is rooted in brain chemistry and neural pathways, the more sane and hopefully compassionate our treatment models will become.

ITA with this. Hugs and I wish you didn't have to deal with this.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you, I will check out that book. I really like the book Refuge Recovery that I got for my middle daughter. It is based on Buddhist principles for recovery from addiction. She is not reading it so I am going to ask for it back to read. I know there are many routes to addiction and I hope to stay in compassion. I know there has been a connection between brain chemistry and eating disorders. Mostly I am concerned about how I have almost no contact with her. I may try again to have her over for dinner on a regular basis, I used to have family dinner night once a week and whoever could come was great.

I did tell my son I don't want him going over there at all. He is pretty much done but I am pissed. My son was paying 'snake rent' to the boyfriend and the only way he wanted it paid was drugs. My son generally is smart but that was dumb and dangerous. I am glad he is out of all of this, still super pissed off.

[Lainey]

. . .And Frontline has a two hour special coming out this week about heroin addiction.

I have appreciated how more of the public discussion of these challenging issues has been shifting to treatment/support, rather than punishment. I think the more that is learned about how addiction is rooted in brain chemistry and neural pathways, the more sane and hopefully compassionate our treatment models will become.

I saw the Frontline special. What struck me is that the science is saying addiction is 50% genetic. I knew there was a genetic component but didn't realize it was as high as 50%. I lost an extended family member to alcoholism, and there were "functioning alcoholics" in the family tree. So far no sign of that in the latest generation, thankfully.
And I agree the tide seems to be turning against the punishment-only model which is not working.

[catherine]

A few years ago, I bought "in the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" upon lhamo's recommendation and I agree that it is wonderful--compassionate but realistic, and very thorough.

[JaneV2.0]

Is it possible her BF is abusive? That might explain her avoidance of you--abusers often isolate their victims from friends or family. Of course, it could also be about drug/alcohol abuse. It's a tough issue to deal with.

[Zoe Girl]

Yeah tough to tell, She has chosen guys like this for a long time. I thought he was the best guy in the beginning and he really did some awesome things. Sounds like he is struggling, his friends are moving on to more stable lives, he has depression, etc. My son says that he alternates between anger and then calling himself a loser. So just all around crappy. My son is nervous about not going over because he is concerned for his sister but right now it is not good to go. We haven't seen any signs of abuse at this point.