has anyone changed their name back after a divorce? [Archive]

freshstart

2-25-16, 7:58pm

I stupidly did not do it 12 years ago because the kids were young and I wanted us to have the same last name. Well, now they are almost 17 and 18 and my son asked why I haven't changed it back. The honest answer is purely not wanting to deal with the hassle. I never really cared which name I have, although my old name would be my preference if I could change it easily. I'm sure my ex wants me to change it. I'm right in the middle of getting SSDI, my medical records are bounced from one specialist to another and my given name has always been spelled incorrectly at several MD offices, leading to "you are not a patient here". It is a name everyone misspells, whereas ex's name is easy. When I think of all the things I would have to change, it is easily overwhelming and I'll need back up to check my list of everything that needs to be changed because I'm sure I won't remember it all. I think you have to go to court, too.

has anyone done it and it wasn't incredibly onerous? After talking to my son, I realized I do kind of care. I do want my name back, it's ok now if I don't have the same name as the kids. Grrr, why didn't this matter to me 12 years ago when tackling this project would've been nothing to me? I definitely think I should wait until SSDI starts and maybe wait until some of the specialists slow down. My friend said do I want his name on my tombstone, well, I'm going to be cremated but I get her drift, do I really want to hang onto the name of a man like him? That answer is NO.

Sigh, research to commence tomorrow. I hope you don't have to show up everywhere official in person, that will a pain getting rides. Someone tell me this is an easy process.

Zoe Girl

2-25-16, 10:09pm

I did it right away. We both hyphenated (isn't that supposed to be a sign of an enlightened marriage? didn't work) so we both went back to our 'maiden names', It took a few steps but I did get it done. The confusion about my name went on for a little while but not forever. Most of it was good when I made sure the bank had copies of the name change and that helped with any financial documents. I would keep copies of the name change with you during the transition. The kids all have hyphenated names so there was not a problem with the kids and school.

It was important to me for a couple reasons, One was that my last name is very unique. You can spell my ex's last name easily, not too uncommon, It was always weird. I went back to spelling my last name for people including 'yes that is D as in dog and T as in Tom'. The other reason was that I graduated with my BA under my name, then I went to grad school during my divorce. I worked my a** off while dealing with difficulty from him so I REALLY didn't want his last name on my diploma. I had finished and changed my name in time to have my master's diploma also with my own name on it.

Funny thing, my kids don't get along so great with dad, they have gone through times they just use my name instead of hyphenated including his. It will be a tricky thing when/if they get married though. Lots of last names to choose from.

iris lilies

2-25-16, 10:14pm

This is one of my favorite hobby horses, thanks for bringing it up!!!

Names are not very important to me, just like labels arent very important to me. It took me a while in life to figure out that most people care more about a name, a label, than I do. That is ok! We all have our priorities in what we value.

That said, I tire of learning new names for women who change them depending on the man-no man situations in which they find themselves. I worked with a few women who had at least 3 names in the time I knew them. They test my patience, I just am not that interested in them to re-learn their names each time a man drops in or out of their lives.

This is me, go on and change your name if thats what is important to you. Actually I changed my name when I got married, and my motivation was that I figured it would help me stay married, plus it would immediately identify us as a couple, and his name was easier. The fact that I loved my maiden name and all of the history that goes with it didnt keep me feom jettisoning it, I can still claim that clan.

If I got divorced I wouldnt chnage my name, its not worth the hassle.

It iis a pain in the ass to change it. Just this week I am moving a financial document to another broker and It is still held in my maiden name, so I have to include a marriage certificate in the transaction. ive been married for about 26 years and not all of the documents have been changed, there is still one more financial document in my maiden name.

Kestra

2-25-16, 10:22pm

I briefly considered it but it didn't seem worth the hassle. Most of my work stuff is with my exes name and it wasn't worth changing all that. I don't have a big attachment to names one way or the other (my parents had legal name changes as adults so multiple names are normal to me).
However, now that it is likely I will marry again I really don't want to go back to my maiden name, just to change it AGAIN, but I will definitely take my second husband's name as it would be really weird and make me uncomfortable to have ex's name with a new husband. However for work use I'll probably hyphenate and/or slowly transition. When I'm retired it will be all new husband's name.

iris lilies

2-25-16, 10:24pm

Oh dear god, hyphenated names.

It is what it is and I have to accept it. I roll my eyes at women and men who think they will be all equal and chit with a hyphenated name, but they just make it difficult for those who deal with their names in databases and etc.

The obsession with names seems self important and impractical to me. I told you, this is a "thing" for me, you were forwarned! Haha. I always give this example of the most ridiculous and seemingly self centered name I ran into my in my work, a woman who had multiple names and most were compound. While technically not a hyphenatedname, it was way too long:

GraceAnne A. AnDreassi DeCandido

sure, I'll remember all of that, Grace. Not.

And then, there are the women who truly do not know what their surname is. Or at least, they were unable to tell me when I asked for purposes of scribing their name on forms. Jennifer Jason Lee could not tell me if her surname was Jason Lee or just Lee. "My name is Jennifer Jason Lee" she would say amd look puzzled when I ask what her last name is.

mschrisgo2

2-26-16, 12:03am

I never did change my name back, and now I kind of wish I had. 38 years ago, my daughter was only 9 months old when we divorced, and I decided it would be a good thing for us to have the same last name, especially as she does not look like me at all. And in fact, when she was in 6th grade she told me out of the blue one day that she was glad I kept her name. Never did learn what prompted the comment, but it was affirming.

We had been married for almost 7 years and I had completed my degrees and earned my teaching credentials, all which would have cost money to change. As I have changed school districts over the years, I realized what a Huge hassle it would be to get employment records in 2 names transferred, so I've stuck with it.

Now as I'm getting close to retirement, I'm wondering also, if this is a good time, how much hassle would it be, and how much will it cost. On the other hand, I'm not keen on using my father's name now, either!
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Hyphenated names? Hmm, I have a facebook friend who lists her maiden name, and all FOUR of her "married" names, in order, as her name.

rosarugosa

2-26-16, 4:51am

ctg492

2-26-16, 4:51am

Not divorced, but changed my name. Did the - name thing in the 80s when I got married. That was a 4 name pain in the a** to sign. Felt when the kids were grown I would drop the - married name and return to maiden name only. At 40 I said why what's the difference, easier to have same name as husband, so I dropped the maiden - part. That was a huge pain for 7 years, as every document has a line aka, had to fill that out too now. Now I am just a three name person and Ok with it because what's in a name.

I say change it if you want.

ctg492

2-26-16, 4:55am

lmerullo

2-26-16, 8:02am

I always told dh that if we divorced, I'd keep his name. He didn't seem to care. We've been married 33 years and the kids are grown now.

Even back when ds was in second grade (he's 28), he was the ONLY child of 25+ that had a mother and father still in the home and a married couple. That trend has continued and I think names are not an issue with most places.

My SIL has a professional name that is her maiden name and a married name. She began earning her degrees while single and it is cumbersome to update those records. She is now nationally recognized in her field and likes the semi-annonymity of two names. Unfortunately, her hubby my brother is also known, but that last name is incredibly common, so he often flies under the radar.

All that to say that I guess legally one must pick a name and stick with it or go through the hassle of changing it, but one can also have a "commonly known as" identity without a formal name change. Whatever works for you.

freshstart

2-26-16, 8:27am

Jennifer Jason Lee could not tell me if her surname was Jason Lee or just Lee. "My name is Jennifer Jason Lee" she would say amd look puzzled when I ask what her last name is.

that's a whole new level of stupid I didn't know existed

freshstart

2-26-16, 8:42am

I never changed my name when I got married. I too find it annoying when the names of people and things keep changing, so there was that aspect. I also don't like the cultural implications of a woman changing her name when she gets married. I had never given the matter much thought until I was getting married, and then it was a really easy," hell no, of course I'm not doing that." DH has always been fine with this decision, and we've felt no less married because of it.
I don't think I would want to keep the name of former partner whom I didn't even like, as much as I would dislike the hassle of the changing process.

I never thought I would take my husband's name either. Then he had a name I liked better and was less of a problem spelling-wise, so stupidly I changed it. And if we had had an amicable divorce, I'd probably just keep it.

I didn't even think about the professional implications if I go back to work. I've had his name for 22 years, no one remembers me in my field with my maiden name. I decided to wait one year, let SSDI get established, get through the specialists and see where I stand. If I am able to work, I won't change it until after I have gotten a new job to avoid confusion and I think more interview doors will be open to me if using the name I'm known by in my field. If I'm not anywhere near going back to work, I'll start the name change process. Maybe by then there will be an app for that, lol. Hey, I should make the app for that, I'd make a killing.

iris lilies

2-26-16, 9:06am

My favorite name story, a Couple in Ann Arbor who own the Birkenstock store, from their web site: We’re Paul & Claire Tinkerhess, owners of Fourth Ave Birkenstock. Paul was Tinker and Claire was Hess so when we got married we just squeezed our last names together. With our three boys we think we might be the only Tinkerhesses in the world.

Our nephew and his wife created a new surname when they got married, one that was a blend of both of their names. It is a little odd, but I like that tradition. Names are important to them. Their two children each have strange middle names. One is "Danger" cant remember the other one. These are solid citizen people, one a physician, One a science teacher/nowmstay atbhome dad.

Mary B.

2-26-16, 9:30am

Our nephew and his wife created a new surname when they got married, one that was a blend of both of their names. It is a little odd, but I like that tradition. Names are important to them. Their two children each have strange middle names. One is "Danger" cant remember the other one. These are solid citizen people, one a physician, One a science teacher/nowmstay atbhome dad.

My goodness! I read your message and thought, "Are we related?" Our niece and her husband did the same thing -- but the professions don't match, so I guess not.

Tammy

2-26-16, 9:57am

I also know a couple who named their son Finnegan Danger. It must be a new trend in middle names.

Ultralight

2-26-16, 9:58am

I also know a couple who named their son Finnegan Danger. It must be a new trend in middle names.

My middle name is Jaguar.

cdttmm

2-26-16, 1:13pm

My mom had taken my dad's last name when they had married. Then my parents got divorced when I was 13. My mom waited until all three kids had graduated HS and then changed her last name. Not to her maiden name -- she didn't particularly like it or her family -- so she chose a completely different last name. Her full name is very French-sounding now; it's quite beautiful and I like it. However, we're not French or anything close to French. It is kinda of funny because I have a very German-sounding name and people get confused when I introduce her as my mom. I remember her saying that the name change process wasn't overly challenging and she was very happy to have put in the little bit of effort that it took to make it happen.

Teacher Terry

2-26-16, 2:45pm

Having been married 3x's so I am no stranger to changing my name. However, the 3rd time I did change it but because I was known professionally by my 2nd hubby's last name, my diploma's are in that name, etc I changed it back because people couldn't find me to hire me to consult. So I have my legal professional name and my personal married name. I have 2 different email addresses, etc. I like that work does not get mixed with personal stuff. I used a para-legal which is not legal in all states. It cost me $600.00 which included all the filing fees. I never had to go to court. I did have to write a justification for why I wanted to do this. Then I had to change SS, DL, etc. Really not that big of a deal.

freshstart

2-26-16, 3:04pm

$600? ack, I thought it would be free, maybe have a filing fee.

I think my dad would be happy if I change it back. My brother is the last to carry on the family name and it doesn't look like he's going to have children. Me changing it would make him think I'm proud of the name. I told him today if I can't be a nurse within a year, I'll change it and he said, "you should've done that a long time ago," all gruff-like but I know he would like it.

Ultralight

2-26-16, 3:06pm

I think everyone should be able to change their name one time for free at age 18.

iris lilies

2-26-16, 3:42pm

that's a whole new level of stupid I didn't know existed

Well, I will give them the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps their names were brand new and they hadn't thought through the consequences of piling on a bunch of names. Or maybe I used the word "surname" and they didn't know what that meant.

But I had two instances of it take place.

freshstart

2-26-16, 4:02pm

I think everyone should be able to change their name one time for free at age 18.

I asked DD if she could do this what would she choose? she picked a male name that is a mashup of 2 One Direction members. Oh, swell, I'm raising one of the great thinkers of mankind. So I said you will be stuck with what you choose your whole life and she said, "ok, Emma," a name that I kept choosing then discarding because it was my grandmother's name (DD had forgotten this) but it sounded horrible with out last name and it was too popular. She had no name for 2 days as I struggled between Emma and Claire. She looked like a Claire. 17 yrs later, she wants Emma, with no idea that that was so close to being her name. She still looks like a Claire, lol

Teacher Terry

2-26-16, 4:19pm

FS: I hired a paralegal to do it and of course she charged me. I could have gotten the forms and done it that way but I went down that road when I gave away a timeshare and it took me 3x's before I got the papers correct so the county would file them. I decided that this time I wanted a professional.

freshstart

2-26-16, 4:24pm

I have a longstanding relationship with my divorce attorney's paralegal, I can at least ask her how much it would cost.

KayLR

2-26-16, 5:53pm

I kept my ex's last name. We'd been married 11 years and had two young daughters. I wanted to have the same name as them, too. By the time they were out on their own and changing their names, the last name was on years of medical records, job history, etc. There's no way I'm changing it. Ironic, I haven't been married to him for 27 years, but I still keep his name. My husband now doesn't care. I've thought about changing to his last name now that I'm probably not going to be looking for another job before I retire, and it would kind of be nice to "go missing." But wow, I can't imagine all the hassle. Guess I'm lazy.