View Full Version : resentment
What is the best way to get past resentment?
Ultralight
3-2-16, 11:32am
What is the best way to get past resentment?
Revenge.
Or perhaps a practical joke on whomever caused the resentment, and ideally one that teaches them a lesson.
iris lilies
3-2-16, 11:35am
is it justified "resentment?"
To answer your question in pushing back any negative emotion: do something positive. Move your body and get endorphins flowing. Get out of your house and see nature. Change your routine, see something new. Give your head something new and different and interesting to contemplate.
margene, you have a fair number of posts here that center on your unhappiness. I don't know that this community is the best place to ruminate on unhappiness although talking about strategies to lift yourself out of an unhappy place can be a good topic.
and ask yourself this: what are you getting out of being unhappy? Why do you like to hang on to resentment? Be objective, what are the positive things you get from this in ypur life?
Ultralight
3-2-16, 11:39am
is it justified "resentment?"
To answer your question in pushing back any negative emotion: do something positive. Move your body and get endorphins flowing. Get out of your house and see nature. Change your routine, see something new. Give your head something new and different and interesting to contemplate.
margene, you have a fair number of posts here that center on your unhappiness. I don't know that this community is the best place to ruminate on unhappiness although talking about strategies to lift yourself out of an unhappy place can be a good topic.
and ask yourself this: what are you getting out of being unhappy? Why do you like to hang on to resentment? Be objective, what are the positive things you get from this in ypur life?
All my snark aside, I agree with Iris here.
and ask yourself this: what are you getting out of being unhappy? Why do you like to hang on to resentment? Be objective, what are the positive things you get from this in ypur life?
Wise words. Who was it who said "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"?
Ultralight
3-2-16, 11:52am
My sincere advice:
And I say this as a generally unhappy person who carries around a lot of resentment and anger...
You can reduce the amount of unhappiness, resentment, and anger. But be aware that it will not go away. It may not even be reduced enough that you become a generally happy and forgiving person.
But you can make gains! I know I have. Meditation, simple living, and my dog have really helped. I am less angry, less sad, and less resentful. But I am still an Eeyore.
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 1:13pm
I can usually let go of it after I bitch abut the person for awhile to someone close to me. But in general I see the glass as half full in my outlook to life.
But in general I see the glass as half full in my outlook to life.
Care to share the reasons why?
I have resented lots of people over my life. Now I am 60 I figure it is just not worth it. We only get so many years. I often imagine myself at death's door thinking of all the bloody time I wasted in life either worrying or resenting or being mad at someone.
Do I still resent people? Sure, just not as much and I realize how it takes my own life down.
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 1:56pm
Why would I choose to be unhappy? WE can't control what happens to us but we do control our reaction to it.
Why would I choose to be unhappy? WE can't control what happens to us but we do control our reaction to it.
Do you think there are circumstances where folks cannot choose happiness?
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 2:06pm
If people that survived the Holocaust can choose happiness most people can-unless of course you are mentally ill. I actually have 2 friends that have lost children-they do not wallow in pain. Yes they have profound sadness and pain but they choose life and to be happy in general. If you have a serious MI, serious depression then seek help for that (meds & therapy).
if you are unhappy more than not, if it affects your ability to function, along with all the other depressive signs and symptoms, then I would see someone to be evaluated for depression.
I still have resentment towards my ex-husband for terrible things he did but we separated in '02, if I had continued to carry that resentment for 14 yrs it would've killed me. Somehow I learned that what is best for me is to compartmentalize him in my brain and heart and then never look in there unless we are embroiled in another pointless court case and I am forced to deal with him. I cannot say I have totally forgiven him or that the resentment is gone but 90% of the time, he is not in my head. I refuse to give him that power over me. I agree with that poison saying in another post
ApatheticNoMore
3-2-16, 3:52pm
is this about the roommate? (I think I remember the story here, but my memory is only so good) Get rid of them! They seem to be nothing but problems. :~) It's one thing talking about resentment of something in the past but if one's present roommate or whatever continually causes resentment ..
since I'm already wading into this conversation today I guess. I don't know if there are exactly circumstances in which we can't choose to be happy so much as circumstances that interact with our unique selves that make it hard. Should someone who survived being imprisoned in the holocaust and NEVER completely recovered from it, pick on themselves for that, because they should have been Victor Frankl and yet they never fully got over it. That's seems utterly absurd. But that's an extreme example of course. I don't think grief (deaths) even take most people there as grief though it may be tragic has a natural timetable (usually ... unless you fall into what the shrinks call complicated grief).
But much of the regret may be about lives we think somehow we should have lived. Sooner or later your going to ruin what potential exists in your actual life thinking about these lives you should have lived. In another life you had the perfect major, got the perfect career, got that promotion, had kids or didn't have kids, got married or didn't get married (whatever your mistakes were). And yes there are all the reasons you didn't and this can be the source or resentment (and they may indeed be the real reasons, childhood was horrible etc..). But these alternate lives are just phantoms haunting the present, they aren't really real, I know in some sense we are encouraged to live in fantasy of all that could be but ... then we resent if we can not actualize it and all the reasons why.
if you are unhappy more than not, if it affects your ability to function, along with all the other depressive signs and symptoms, then I would see someone to be evaluated for depression.
In this world perhaps depression is just the natural feeling that comes with a heightened state of awareness.
I've always found the "some people lived through the Holocaust cheerfully" references unhelpful. They tried that on us in the context of some motivational program or other at work. I guess with the idea that compared to confinement, starvation, and near-certain death, working for Acme wasn't so bad. I don't think anyone bought it.
People come into this world with all kinds of personalities, and most of them are necessary within the context of tribe. You need bold, cautious, creative, steady, adventurous, watchful, cynical, and cheerful people to contribute to the well-being of the group. We're not all cut out to be Merry Sunshine, but if we find the right tribe, we can at least feel as if we're valuable members of it.
I've always found the "some people lived through the Holocaust cheerfully" references unhelpful. They tried that on us in the context of some motivational program or other at work. I guess with the idea that compared to confinement, starvation, and near-certain death, working for Acme wasn't so bad. I don't think anyone bought it.
People come into this world with all kinds of personalities, and most of them are necessary within the context of tribe. You need bold, cautious, creative, steady, adventurous, watchful, cynical, and cheerful people to contribute to the well-being of the group. We're not all cut out to be Merry Sunshine, but if we find the right tribe, we can at least feel as if we're valuable members of it.
Very good points here!
I guess I would do all I could do to leave the situation or change it. If I was unable or unwilling to do that I would just not do much with that person. If that was impossible I would wish them well in my heart, try not to bitch TOO MUCH about them and just get on with things.
Not saying that is easy, especially the bitching part.
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 6:33pm
People that can thrive and not just survive are resilient. Resilient people tend to be happy. I never look back at what could have been because that is not the path I chose. My Dad hated his job for 32 years and I never knew it until I grew up. He was the happiest person I know. He stayed with it for the good pension and it worked out well. He would have done something more fulfilling if he had the opportunity. He was a product of his time being born in 1920. All the people loved him at work too. I doubt anyone outside of family knew he disliked his job. He filled his free time with family, hunting, walking the dogs and community service. He choose to love life and was a great role model.
People that can thrive and not just survive are resilient. Resilient people tend to be happy.
I would agree with this. Unfortunately I am not this way.
I have been depressed since the summer of 1979. But dagnabbit, I am an interesting person! haha I use my dark sense of humor to cope with negative emotions. :)
As Joni Mitchell said: "Laughing and crying, it is the same release."
As K-Von said: "I'd prefer to laugh than cry. There is less to clean up afterward."
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 7:22pm
If I had been depressed for that long I would be exploring medication. But in some ways your depression is serving you-providing you with something you need and whether you ever address it or not depends on the value you are receiving from this condition. We feed whatever serves us even if it is not good for us. This is human nature. At this point you are probably wasting your $ on therapy since you admitted not doing the homework, etc. You are not ready to change and nothing is wrong with that. I would revisit this when you are ready if ever. We are all free to choose our attitude towards life.
I've always found the "some people lived through the Holocaust cheerfully" references unhelpful. They tried that on us in the context of some motivational program or other at work. I guess with the idea that compared to confinement, starvation, and near-certain death, working for Acme wasn't so bad. I don't think anyone bought it.
People come into this world with all kinds of personalities, and most of them are necessary within the context of tribe. You need bold, cautious, creative, steady, adventurous, watchful, cynical, and cheerful people to contribute to the well-being of the group. We're not all cut out to be Merry Sunshine, but if we find the right tribe, we can at least feel as if we're valuable members of it.
I agree, and I'll own the Merry Sunshine of this tribe or any other. I think the point is, do you feel empowered to claim your own life, whatever it is? If you're feeling cornered by your feelings or your circumstances, can you change them? If you're not cornered, be free to be a Steve Jobs, or a Genghis Khan or a Mary Tyler Moore or whoever it is you really are.
I don't think we can underestimate the power of alteration in brain chemicals in I would guess most depressed people, those who truly have it and not a case of the 'blues". When certain meds worked for me, they just did, I was not doing anything different in therapy or my life. I truly believe (I'm having a bad brain couple of days so bear with me if I use the wrong words, please) the change in brain chemicals was from the meds and not will power or that I had the power to change my emotions, it was and is mostly a brain chemical issue for me.
And oddly, even in the pits of a bout of major depression, somewhere in me I was able to find the happy things in my life and express gratitude for them. I would focus on those things, attend therapy weekly, doing whatever was suggested to try to change a mood disorder. The bottom line- I need meds and probably will for most of my life since it started 18 yrs ago. You can try to choose happiness, you can do CBT or other types of therapy, but I don't believe we are "wimps" if happiness doesn't just magically appear even after very hard work. I am actually a pretty strong, resilient person and major depression has brought me to my knees countless times. I am not "allowing" it to happen, I am not choosing to be unhappy, I am not ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life, I believe, for me, most of the time it's a chemical imbalance that has unfortunately been very resistant to meds. Also, really bad things can happen in my life and one would think these things would trigger a depressive episode but for the most part they don't and I get through those times with my own resilience and therapy. My point is let's not forget the role of brain chemistry.
As an example, I finally gave in and tried the very old group of meds called MAO inhibitors. Within 2 weeks, I felt like the old me of 18 years ago for the very first time, I felt normal. It felt like a miracle. Well, those SOBs have terrible side effects and they bottomed out my blood pressure and practically killed me but I would give anything to have them back. It comes in a patch and that did not carry the terrible side effects but because it coincided with me being very sick, every doctor wanted me off that, they don't like MAOIs. I am hoping to have final clarification on what is wrong with me neuro wise, treat it or whatever and then I am asking for a trial of that patch again. I had a glimpse into the life I could have and OMG I want that. No matter how hard I worked in weekly therapy, I never reached the level of normalcy and joie de vivre that MAOIs unlocked and unlocked very quickly. Unfortunately, I cannot get into the geneticist to see if I have my dad's mitochondrial disorder until June and that will lead to a long period of testing so it's gonna be a long time before I get that patch back. But my shrink does not believe the patch contributed to what is going on because everything started a long time before the MAOIs, I've been off it a year so it's very unlikely my neuro stuff is related to having been on that patch for a short time. Oh, how I want that shot at a new life again, I can't describe how good it felt.
I agree, and I'll own the Merry Sunshine of this tribe or any other. I think the point is, do you feel empowered to claim your own life, whatever it is? If you're feeling cornered by your feelings or your circumstances, can you change them? If you're not cornered, be free to be a Steve Jobs, or a Genghis Khan or a Mary Tyler Moore or whoever it is you really are.
You be Merry Sunshine but I am claiming Rhoda, that is who I am meant to be, head scarves and all, lol
For sure, depression is a medical condition that calls for the right treatment. freshstart, DH just got a prescription for an MAO inhibitor--for smoking cessation. Since he has a rather low "happiness set point" I'm hoping a side effect will be greater sense of wellbeing.
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 8:09pm
FS: Having spent my career in various occupations within human services I know how powerful brain chemistry can be and how hard it can be to find the right meds. I just hate it when people are clinically depressed and won't go on meds even though it is taking a huge toll on their lives. For many of our clients it meant the difference between holding jobs, keeping their relationships intact, etc. As you also mentioned it has to be balanced with the side effects because some of them are permanent and terrible. I really feel sorry when people try various meds but can't find the right one to help. I also hate it when people refuse to go on meds when they could probably really benefit. Our mental health is more then attitude but I was not talking about people with MI or serous depression. I was talking about people that just choose to be unhappy in general.
FS: Having spent my career in various occupations within human services I know how powerful brain chemistry can be and how hard it can be to find the right meds. I just hate it when people are clinically depressed and won't go on meds even though it is taking a huge toll on their lives. For many of our clients it meant the difference between holding jobs, keeping their relationships intact, etc. As you also mentioned it has to be balanced with the side effects because some of them are permanent and terrible. I really feel sorry when people try various meds but can't find the right one to help. I also hate it when people refuse to go on meds when they could probably really benefit. Our mental health is more then attitude but I was not talking about people with MI or serous depression. I was talking about people that just choose to be unhappy in general.
No, I realize you were not talking about serious depression, I wasn't trying to imply that.
It is very sad when you think someone would benefit from even a low dose of something temporarily and they won't try it. There's so much stigma. I rarely told anyone I had depression for so many years because of stigma, now after all these years, i am past that. It was stupid of me to believe the stigma when I knew as a nurse there is nothing to be ashamed of. It was ok for everyone else to take meds and talk about it except when it came to myself. Letting friends and family in on it was freeing and I got nothing but support for the most part.
freshstart
3-2-16, 10:00pm
For sure, depression is a medical condition that calls for the right treatment. freshstart, DH just got a prescription for an MAO inhibitor--for smoking cessation. Since he has a rather low "happiness set point" I'm hoping a side effect will be greater sense of wellbeing.
wow, haven't heard of using that for smoking, good for him, I hope it works. If he's on a pill, they gave you the MAOI diet, right? certain foods can be fatal. with the patch, no diet necessary
ApatheticNoMore
3-2-16, 10:03pm
. Our mental health is more then attitude but I was not talking about people with MI or serous depression. I was talking about people that just choose to be unhappy in general.
How would one even know, only by trying meds I suppose.
Teacher Terry
3-2-16, 11:55pm
There are screening tools a professional would use to help decide if you have situational depression or clinical depression. Some people with situational still use meds but not permanently to help them get through that time. Also not all meds work for everyone so often it is a combination of trial and error. I know for some people it is the difference between not functioning well at all and having a good life.
Williamsmith
3-3-16, 3:07am
We had a program called Peer Contact. The theory was that first we acknowledge that we had a profession with a higher incidence of depression. That because of that we also had a higher incidence of suicide on the job. That there was a stigma attached to seeking help which worked against us. And there was a real threat to our employment because a mental health exam might determine it necessary to take away our right to carry a firearm. And so we trained regular Troopers to be counselors and to be totally separate from the administration so officers would feel safe using the program for referrals to professionals.
I don't know what good it did. I personally used my wife as confidant. I never trusted anyone else with my issues. And really there are a few I never trusted anyone with. I always felt like sharing it was like passing on a terminal disease.
I can look back on it now and see, yes maybe a professional could have helped me from sleep walking or from medicating myself with alcohol. I knew a few guys that took "happy pills" and the truth is many other guys looked upon them as weak minded and fit for only office jobs. I know one guy who only worked three years on the road, claimed he was a traumatic stress victim from seeing too many bodies and was assigned dispatch duties for the rest of his career. Nobody respected him. Those are just facts.
It sounds trite, but when I am struggling to let go of resentment of someone for some real or perceived slight or wrongdoing, I paraphrase a line I heard in some movie a long time ago: "They're not paying you rent to take up the space in your head." That reminds me to shift my perspective, if I can, to questions like "In ten/twenty/fifty years, will this really matter?" And "How long are you going to keep poisoning yourself with these toxic thoughts?" It doesn't eliminate resentment immediately, but it starts chipping away at it, slowly but surely.
I've found that putting a lot of daylight between me and any objects of resentment does the job. Better yet, I try not to get into situations that might lead to bad feelings--the essence of simple living for me.
I honestly, assiduously, patiently question the veracity of the beliefs about whom I'm resentful. Self inquiry.
I've found that letting go doesn't work, the stressful thoughts always find another way to manifest.
If I experience any kind of suffering, it is always my thinking and never what someone else does or doesn't do.
Simplemind
3-4-16, 12:28am
Williamsmith we had a similar program called TIPS (Traumatic Incident Peer Support). It didn't last long due to trust issues. Bottom line, if something went down those peer counselors could be compelled to testify as to anything you said. I know because I was...............
ToomuchStuff
3-4-16, 2:40am
What is the best way to get past resentment?
The way that works for you!
Now I will wait for you to post in this thread again.
Williamsmith
3-4-16, 6:00am
Williamsmith we had a similar program called TIPS (Traumatic Incident Peer Support). It didn't last long due to trust issues. Bottom line, if something went down those peer counselors could be compelled to testify as to anything you said. I know because I was...............
Yes, trust was compromised by peer contact members breaking confidentiality. In my state, a spouse cannot be compelled to testify against their partner. Even in a homicide case. So, my counselor has always been my wife.
Quote:
42 Pa.C.S. § 5914. Specifically, it reads: "Except as otherwise provided in this subchapter, in a criminal proceeding neither husband nor wife shall be competent or permitted to testify to confidential communications made by one to the other, unless this privilege is waived upon the trial."
One of the great advantages of being older (at least for me) is that I can put all of the past in perspective. I could easily resent some characters in my past life but why anchor my present to bad feelings from something that has already happened? On the medical issue, about 15 years ago, I had a major depressive/anxiety state arise out of nowhere. I could not eat and I would feel nauseous and anxious on waking every morning. I was put on an SSRI since doctors had no other idea. Those made me feel even worse. After a lot of false starts, I was found to have a significant thyroid imbalance. Once that was addressed, my thoughts returned to normal. Like every other human out there, I have negative thoughts but they seem to be cyclical. I have learned to sort of "observe" them until they pass as I know they will.
Here's an interesting article about turning resentment into compassion:
http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/when-another-person-makes-you-suffer-it-is-because-he-suffers-deeply-within-himself/
What is the best way to get past resentment?
Small steps in being thankful.
I always keep a thankful/gratitude journal. This year it's 3 things a day. One year I did 10 things a day. It does change your viewpoint and your mood over time.
I know many here would throw out any advice that comes from scripture but I think this is very wise. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to "Give thanks in all circumstances, for that is the will of God...". Being thankful brings us to a place of peace in our mind regardless of our circumstances. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that a situation is shitty. That's the way it's going to be. But you can have peace in your mind that you've done what you could and move on.
I'm not a hugely religious person but this has gotten me through bad days "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it". You're not getting that day back, is the way I think of it
Well yes this is about the roommate. She and her daughter have been gone since November. I've just been holding on to some resentment towards her for bad mouthing me while she lived here free of charge. And Apathetic, you may be right, this may be about me not dealing with what needs to be fixed in my life right now. I will make an effort to focus on more positive stuff.
Oops I'm sorry that was Iris Lilies that posted that.
iris lilies
3-6-16, 12:12pm
Oops I'm sorry that was Iris Lilies that posted that.
Hey, believe me when I say that I dont think you (the generic you) have to be happy happy positive fairy all of the time. You, and we as humans,may harbor ill will aganst someone who did you/us wrong.
To me, the central issue is really HOW MUCH time negative thoughts appear in your head, and do you ruminate on them? Fleeting thoughts of "that roomate, she was trouble, glad she is gone!" is perfectly normal. If she takes up long term residence in your head, that is NOT healthy.
I assume, because you ask here, that you are spending too much time thinking about her and "too much" is your valuation.
Well you are right she is taking up too much time in my head.
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